Friday, December 31, 2010

Happy New Year!

I want to say Happy New Year to all of you out there, your families, your pets, your plants, your bed bugs, your Juggies, your significant others, the guy you crush on at work, the girl you're too embarrased to admit you crush on, your hopes, your dreams, your resolutions and most important, your happiness. Let's all agree just to say FUCK IT and be happy this year. If it helps any, I have your back. No time to waste on the negative, and my only resolution is to DO NO HARM. It's pretty simple when you apply it to everything.

And I love each and every one of you. And no, that does not mean that my love is watered down. It is that much stronger for having so many of you to love. Thank you for making 2010 so wonderful.

Your Twunt

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Home Again

Hello, fellow drunken fools! I am back in Cleveland and happy to report that I have recovered from the holiday revelries that left me unresponsive and incoherent on the floor in front of Nana's kitchen. I am fresh and clean as a daisy, or the above floor, after Nana swiffered my drool up, and ready for the new year.

I've missed you all, and I'm eager to hear all your holiday stories, after I berate PC for allowing her Dad access to her iPad and thank JC for the calendar (half naked men! I love you, JC!). 

By the way, I intend to party for at least three more days. I'm just not sure how hard. Love you guys. Hope you had a great holiday. Xoxo 

Friday, December 24, 2010

Look What I Found!

St. Louis has this awesome store called Lukas Liquors. I walked through the door, found an aisle that was wall-to-wall Zinfandel, and laid out my sleeping bag. Just as I was taking the wine key out of my bag, I looked up and what did I see? Why, 'tis Bethenny Frankel, staring down at me! I regret to inform you that nary a bottle was missing from the display. Sadly, being a skinny girl isn't high on the list of things to do around  here. Not that the people are fat, they are just more salt of the earth and less trendy. Plus, alcohol content higher than 7% might be nice too. Seriously, who drinks Margaritas with less alcohol than Christmas Ale? NOBODY. Well, except the McSlore pre-schoolers. We don't start them on the hard stuff until they can read and write. It's a law or something.

What are YOU drinking? 

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Olde Timey Space Toys

I really, really want the housewares from the exhibit. Saturn shaped bedside lamps!

Out-of-focus Man-in-the-moon teapot!

Lt. Uhuru? How is this even remotely like Lieutenant Uhuru? It looks more like Flip Wilson. FAIL.

For the enterprising future astronaut, preferably with loaded friends and relatives:

My brother had this. "Look at me, I'm tiny and I'm flying to the moon!" But first, let me slam it into my sister's face a few times..(true story)

Okay, this is more of a historical flight thingy, but still. I have no idea what it is. It looks like it might scare small children, so I included it.


Tomorrow, we are touring barbecue joints and bungee jumping off the St. Louis Arch. Not in that order.

Omnimax Whatchamacallits Are HUGE

We went to the Science center here in St. Louis yesterday, and while it was full of slobber goblins and their enablers, we managed to have a good time in the McDonnell-Douglas Space Exhibit. 
This is the room where they run the film for the Omnimax movies, like 'Flight Yada Yada' and 'Boogers: Close-Up.' I wish I was lying, but that's what they called it. 

What? I'm not kidding. Google it if you don't believe me!

Downloading Fun

I'm at the St. Louis Bread Company (Panera) taking advantage of their free Wi-Fi and glacier quick downloading! Itunes is where I get most of the Housewives episodes and it is taking forever. In the meanwhile, here are some Mauricio pictures I grabbed a couple of weeks ago. 
Merry Christmas!

And my favorite facial expression by a Housewife EVAH!!!! Thank you, Cameel!

This Old Queen Wants To Poop On Your Holiday

Did you know that there is a Festus, Missouri? Me neither. I'm not going anywhere near it.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Merry Effing Christmas

My neighbor got burgled, ugh. I wish that I could say that I was surprised. I sure hope they don't try that shit chez McSlore. I put acid buckets over all the doors and one of those knife throwing thingies from Raiders of the lost Ark is rigged up to the side door. Uh-oh. Nobody better come to read the meters. Hmm.

I'll be very sporadically blogging, as there is only very limited Wi-Fi here on the North Pole. Sowwy!

Saturday, December 18, 2010

This Is Where I Live, Folks

Strangely beautiful.

Side Splitting Pretension, In Drag!

I've been catching these videos here and there as they're posted on the internet. The drag queen is Drew Droege and he captures Chloe Sevigny's silly dead-pan demeanor perfectly. LOVE. 

Thursday, December 16, 2010

West Virginia's Funniest Home Videos

I am embarrassed to admit that a lot of these people are from Ohio. The sad truth is that half the single mothers south of I-80 work at Walmart and still need a WIC card to get by. I hate this place. HATE.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

It's A Brad Pitt Post

We've all been good. We've all been busy bees working towards the holidays with five million things to get done, almost as much stuff to buy and the traffic! I know, order everything online. I would if I could. Some things you have to see for yourself, and touch..........which brings us back to Brad!

I like stoner Brad the best, though pretty much all of them will do. And Mr. McSlore is hotter than him, at least to me. I'm not bragging, he is. 

*Ahem, joorey*

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Caption The Housewife

Sometimes Bravo makes it too easy. Oh, JOY!
Cameel shopping for her Tony Awards gown.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Recap, I'm Working On It!

It's been a goofy week filled with drama and home improvement and we need to get proactive here Chez McSlore about building that bar! You understand, no?

Monday, December 6, 2010

Caption The Housewife

Oh dear God, it's Leather in a leather bikini. Where does she stop and where does it begin?

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Commenting Rules

99.99% of you have no problem commenting like a normal decent human being. This is not directed at you, though it doesn't hurt to have a refresher.
This is not a free-for-all. You cannot drop in and attack people. This is a benevolent dictatorship and I am the dictator. You show up and attack- you get banned. This goes for everyone. As a matter of fact, I reserve the right to ban you with impunity. If you don't like the rules, which I can and will change as it suits me, go create your own blog and rant and rave about it. It will only prove how truly insane you are.
In closing, in the immortal words of Bethenny Frankel Hoppy, 'get a hobby.' NO ONE CARES, and if you continue to violate the privacy of my readers, I will take further action. As a matter of fact, I will anyway. You cannot stalk a blog all day every day and then call the people on that blog stalkers. That is insane. 

Friday, December 3, 2010

There Is Nothing Like Some Puppy Love

Cold winter antidote. Warm puppy. 

Misfit Love

let's move on from this awful troll drama and watch an amazing band perform on the Rollins Show. Viva hot guys with instruments!

Blog News

I am so sorry everybody but we have to go private for a while. For those of you that weren't here yesterday, I got trolled by someone on a post about stalkers. How ironic is that? At any rate, this is temporary and something I had to do because the troll posted a friend's personal information in the comments and that is SO uncool. 
We'll be back to normal in no time and I apologise once again for the nastiness of yesterday.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Christmas Gift Ideas

Some of you people are so freaking hard to buy for. What do you give to the asshole that has everything, or the picky bitch with the insanely undeserved high standards. Why, you buy them funny crap! Here's where-
For me when I'm not drinking-

For junior-

We got the catalog in the mail today and Mr. McSlore is sitting on the couch snickering over it right now. If he thinks he can get away with giving me maple bacon flavored caffeinated lollipops instead of joorey HE IS OUT OF HIS MIND.

By the way, I picked some stuff out for you guys, after the jump. If you can't figure out what it is, just hover over the pic. It should say. Hope you like it! If not, you are an ungrateful child and you'll be lucky to get a shoe up your ass, compliments of moi.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Me In Four Years

Hell, it's me NOW!

World AIDS Day

Today is the day that I thank my lucky stars that I never got this disease, and believe me, anyone can get it. You don't have to be gay or a drug user. If you need proof, look no further than the epidemic in Africa, and the subsequent change in life expectancy, especially in Sub-Saharan regions. I have lost way too many friends to this disease. Hell, one was too many. I'm sure you have too. Here are some interesting links to read, and remind ourselves of how decimating it's been to an already dehumanized portion of our society.

From Bob's blog:
The Advocate:
The official website:
The gawd awful dead celebrity awareness campaign, though who doesn't want to see a Kardashian in a coffin? :
And Bunny's post on lame club kids. Why not? I knew club kids, now long dead from AIDS, that are still more interesting than these sad sack trolls! :
And just like that I made a stupid joke in an AIDS post. If that doesn't tell you everything you need to know about me, I don't know what will.

Mariah, Mariah, Mariah

Rich from FourFour is a saint. He watched all these HSN appearances and then made this powerfully redundant clip. It is unreal. What do you think it's like to be her? She's basically the female human version of Jabba the Hut. She lays around, gets carried and hoisted onto stages, has someone at the ready with an atomizer in case she farts, and has an infant's love of all things sparkly and cute. She must be surrounded with sycophants 24/7. How else do you explain that drugstore designed perfume bottle? It makes L'Air du Temps look like something that fell out of Marie Antoinette's ass.

Worst Break-Up

I am taking Sheesh's advice and starting a new thread for you crazies and all your insane exploits. I had no idea that the readers of this blog were a bunch of alcoholic outlaws. I thought that I was the only one! (((group hug)))

So, share your break-up and 'men are horrible' stories, and no, this is not a contest. I can't be giving away ALL my toiletries. Stanky ass janksters don't get the good joorey, as we all know.

As usual, I will start. This was a long time ago when I was a barely legal Twunt. 
I was 18 and dating a guy we'll call Asshole. He was from a fraternity that was loaded with future firemen and outdoors-y guys with inscrutable majors. It was fun, he was cute, but nothing serious. 

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

That's Okay. That Just Leaves Plenty For The Rest of Us

What the??????

Caption the Housewife: Name The Baby Edition

Kim Zolziak is with child, as we all know. I weep for the Atlanta school system, and God help Kandi Burress if the wee bugger feels like taking up singing. There's not a whole lot that we can do about that, but let's be pro-active anyway. Name the baby that she's carrying by football player Kroy Biermann. 

I'm thinking Doral for a boy, or Mentholia if it's a girl.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Patty Cake Pussies

For all you goofy pet owners that pretend your animals can talk. 

not like I do that. ever. that you know of.

Thanks, Tobes!

Musical Dichotomy

I have a diverse taste in music. You do too, I'm sure. We all do, as we should. For instance, I love everything by Orb, and everything by Thievery Corporation. They played at Bonnaroo last year, and I was surrounded by a thousand tripping children of children of hippies. Beautiful.

And I like ugly metal. Killing Joke, everything Mr. McSlore plays, Slayer, on and on, and Strapping Young lad.

And I like the really melodic Russian composers. I DIE for this, don't ask why.

Puppy Flashback

This is from last winter when my voice was all messed up from the flu and me and Mr. McSlore decided to do some dog mushing down the street. It was super snowy, I may have had a glass of wine or two in me and the dogs mushed me into a snowdrift. Expect another one in a month or two. Yay, puppies!

LMLMB's First Queasy Freebie

You know how much I love Cameel. She's just an inspiration to gals the world over who aspire to work a stripper pole without sliding back down it due to those unexpected squirts. SO, this is my first ever contest, and the prize will be.......ImodiumAD and some gibrone hair remover that I have lying around the house. You don't want to worry about any pesky dingles when you've got the runs, now do you? Okay, so the contest. I had to choose this topic. My Jersey friend That Must Remain Nameless suggested it, and you just don't say no to her.

It's simple. What's the coolest thing you've ever done? And you know damn well I will be sweetening the deal with more than the crap described above. Anything for my Twunderers. And just ignore those nursing pads. It was ages ago, and I changed my mind. The guy that knocked me up wasn't cute enough. Who wants an ugly baby?

Oopsy. Almost forgot. The deadline is 10p.m. EST on Thurday. Get 'em in before the next RhoBH.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Kenny Scharf's Mural Captured by Billy Beyond

It pays to be in the right place at the right time.

Grog Shop Graffiti

The Grog Shop is a local Cleveland venue for bands and comedians. I've seen everyone from Prong to Doug Stanhope in their dark rooms, and only rarely been disappointed. This past Summer Mr. McSlore played there and we hung out in the dressing room with all of its' fun band graffiti. I'd be surprised if some of this wasn't created by girlfriends of the band. Do you know how boring it can be to be a girlfriend of a guy in a band? No? Well, it's all worth it in my case.

Natural One

Remember the mid 90s? The movie 'Kids?' Remember Sebadoh? Remember Folk Implosion? Oh, I loved me some Lou Barlow. Still do.

Pictures From The New Space Station Cupola

I don't talk about it too much since there is so much housewife crap to discuss lately, but I have a profound love of space. Astronomy and the beauty often found in the outer reaches of our galaxy takes my breath away, as well as our humble planet seen here from about 217 miles out. That's from here in Cleveland to Cincinnatti, or New York to DC. The space station installed a new cupola and here is astronaut photographer Jeffrey Williams with his insane camera.

Here's an Aurora Australis,

And here is my beloved Italy-

The first places I visited in Europe were in Italy. Genoa, Naples and Ravello, on the Amalfi coastline. I fell in love immediately and never wanted to leave. There is something to be said about visiting the lands of your ancestors. It touches you in ways that can sometimes change you permanently, even if your taxi gets chased by horny Neopolitan teenagers all the way from San Giorgio a Cramano to Pompei.

Here's the link, to the pictures, not horny teenagers-

Sonja Morgan's Bankruptcy

Well, isn't this depressing. A week ago Gawker reported that silly sunny Sonja had to file bankruptcy, claiming 19 million in debt against 13 million in assets. The reason for this is not a Giudice spending spree with no intention of paying what she knew she didn't have, this one is due to a film deal gone bad when the big star, John Travolta, pulled out. If only it was to take place in a bath house, none of this would have happened. 

So, my question is, do you think that she is simply protecting her remaining assets from being seized because of the court's $7 million judgement against her? Or is she another devil may care chick who didn't surround herself with the right financial advisors after her divorce? She always seemed a trifle flighty to me, not in a calculated con artist manner, not like the Forehead-less wonder. More like someone who shouldn't have tried to produce a movie without doing her homework. Actually, it's probably both. 

She needs to put her thinking cap on, slide into those fuck-me heels and get back on the prowl again, this time for a fat cat and not a Eurotrash rent boy. Perhaps she could be a restaurant hostess in Dubai? Or she can downsize, like LuLu had to.Whatever she does, we'll be watching and judging. I'm just sad that it's one of my favorites instead of old Poopy Pants. sigh

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Nicholas Cage Feels Your Pain

The holiday season is upon us. For some of you that means dealing with Gawd-awful relatives and in-laws, so I give you Nicholas Cage letting all the pain out. Let him take your suffering and release it in catharsis. 

Or you can go ahead and beat the living crap out of your sister-in-law. Take your pick.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: The Turd Cage

I hate to admit to understanding why anyone would cheat on their spouse since I know it is such a touchy subject for most people, but I simply must make an exception. Let's look at some of the facts- Kelsey's a thespian who has made a living playing brilliant characters. Characters so smart that they use ten dollar words like they came out of the womb reading Shakespeare. Cameel can't even use 'pernicious' properly! Oh, and then there's the tiny little fact that she's using her own husband's status as a weapon against other people. Now, THAT'S pernicious behaviour.

Let the evisceration begin, and if she can spell that, I'll watch every episode of Millionaire matchmaker back to back(Hey, Patti, call her! she's single!).

Please tell me she can't spell that.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Man Meat Mauricio

Since I won't be done with the recap until tomorrow, here is what we've all been waiting for, what Cameel salivates over every lonely night and Kyle gets to gnaw on at breakfast, lunch and dinner, Mauricio! 

I was thinking about it today and I think that Bravo owes us for swallowing all the 'entertainment' they send our way, the Jill Zarins, the Salahis, the Mallard Mouths. They owe us BIG and I would like to see them start with an entire day of hot men chosen by us, the loyal viewer. You know who I want. Who would you ask Miss Andy to oil up and put on display? It's nearing Christmas. We've been good!