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Saturday, January 2, 2010
Forget Everything Else, This Is What They Really Want
Not suitable to watch if their are little crumb grabbers in the room (I'm looking at you, Tobes).
Keeping It Klassy Part XII
Ah, yes. Is there any better way to start the new year than with a Pammy nip slip? I'm looking forward to many more of those, along with the smeared eyeliner and piquant camel toe. Nobody does it better.
Here's hoping that she keeps at it for years to come. Cheers!
Friday, January 1, 2010
Happy New Year Everybody
Thank you for reading my blog. Thank you for cracking me up and allowing me to be stupid retarded. I hope that you have a great year ahead of you where everyone blows sunshine up your ass and when it rains, it rains dolla dolla bills y'all.
And thank you, Kathy Griffin for saying fuck on CNN.
I'm off to drink some more now. Shocker, I know.
And thank you, Kathy Griffin for saying fuck on CNN.
I'm off to drink some more now. Shocker, I know.
Let's Start The New Year By Exposing Cheney As A Lying Cocksucker
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Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
The Only Top Ten List of 2009 That I've Paid Any Attention To
John Waters' top ten films of the past year:
1 Import Export (Ulrich Seidl) The most sorrowful movie of the year is also the best. The miserable lives of Ukrainian immigrants in Vienna make this agonizing but brilliantly directed opus the cinematic equivalent of slitting your wrists. A new genre? Depression porn? Hey, I got off.
2 Antichrist (Lars von Trier) If Ingmar Bergman had committed suicide, gone to hell, and come back to earth to direct an exploitation/art film for drive-ins, this is the movie he would have made
3 In the Loop (Armando Iannucci) A smart, mean, foulmouthed British satire about the struggle for global power that asks the all-important question: How do you debate the invasion of Iraq if your gums start to bleed in the middle of your presentation?
4 World’s Greatest Dad (Bobcat Goldthwait) Why, oh why, wasn’t this blackest of comedies a hit? Appallingly rude, decidedly family unfriendly, this autoerotic-suicide tale of a hateful son and his clueless father left the viewer gasping in surprise.
5 Brüno (Larry Charles) Don’t listen to the critics—it’s better than Borat. Imagine a hetero teen couple in a mall on a first date somewhere in Middle America watching Sacha Baron Cohen pantomime every known gay male sex act, ending in a joyous “facial.” Sometimes audiences get what they deserve.
6 Lorna’s Silence (Jean-Pierre and Luc Dardenne) How do these great art films get financed? European socialism, that’s how, and I’m glad the taxpayers abroad put up the dough for this Tracking Shots“R”Us masterpiece. Only the Dardenne brothers could get away with not showing the dramatic action that climaxes the whole movie. Just think if they had to test-screen this film in America!
7 Broken Embraces (Pedro Almodóvar) There was some grumbling from Cannes that this wasn’t one of Pedro’s best, but boy were those rumors wrong. It’s a beaut! A relentlessly intelligent melodrama filled with so many dizzying plot points that you’ll experience vertigo.
8 The Baader Meinhof Complex (Uli Edel) Now here were some kids who knew how to cause trouble! Hmmm...What should we do today? Stop the Olympics or blow up a commercial airplane? These radicals made the Weathermen look like pussies.
9 Whatever Works (Woody Allen) Gerontophilia never seemed so appealing. This time, Woody goes a little gay and lives to tell about it with lovely, comic success. I am so mad I don’t have this director’s career.
10 The Headless Woman (Lucrecia Martel) Bleached hair, hit-and-run accidents, in-laws with hepatitis? Huh? I didn’t get it, but I sure did love it!
1 Import Export (Ulrich Seidl) The most sorrowful movie of the year is also the best. The miserable lives of Ukrainian immigrants in Vienna make this agonizing but brilliantly directed opus the cinematic equivalent of slitting your wrists. A new genre? Depression porn? Hey, I got off.
2 Antichrist (Lars von Trier) If Ingmar Bergman had committed suicide, gone to hell, and come back to earth to direct an exploitation/art film for drive-ins, this is the movie he would have made
3 In the Loop (Armando Iannucci) A smart, mean, foulmouthed British satire about the struggle for global power that asks the all-important question: How do you debate the invasion of Iraq if your gums start to bleed in the middle of your presentation?
4 World’s Greatest Dad (Bobcat Goldthwait) Why, oh why, wasn’t this blackest of comedies a hit? Appallingly rude, decidedly family unfriendly, this autoerotic-suicide tale of a hateful son and his clueless father left the viewer gasping in surprise.
5 Brüno (Larry Charles) Don’t listen to the critics—it’s better than Borat. Imagine a hetero teen couple in a mall on a first date somewhere in Middle America watching Sacha Baron Cohen pantomime every known gay male sex act, ending in a joyous “facial.” Sometimes audiences get what they deserve.
6 Lorna’s Silence (Jean-Pierre and Luc Dardenne) How do these great art films get financed? European socialism, that’s how, and I’m glad the taxpayers abroad put up the dough for this Tracking Shots“R”Us masterpiece. Only the Dardenne brothers could get away with not showing the dramatic action that climaxes the whole movie. Just think if they had to test-screen this film in America!
7 Broken Embraces (Pedro Almodóvar) There was some grumbling from Cannes that this wasn’t one of Pedro’s best, but boy were those rumors wrong. It’s a beaut! A relentlessly intelligent melodrama filled with so many dizzying plot points that you’ll experience vertigo.
8 The Baader Meinhof Complex (Uli Edel) Now here were some kids who knew how to cause trouble! Hmmm...What should we do today? Stop the Olympics or blow up a commercial airplane? These radicals made the Weathermen look like pussies.
9 Whatever Works (Woody Allen) Gerontophilia never seemed so appealing. This time, Woody goes a little gay and lives to tell about it with lovely, comic success. I am so mad I don’t have this director’s career.
10 The Headless Woman (Lucrecia Martel) Bleached hair, hit-and-run accidents, in-laws with hepatitis? Huh? I didn’t get it, but I sure did love it!
Forget To Get That Fapper On Your List A Present?
They've got you covered.
And it comes in my favorite color, off-off-orange!
And it comes in my favorite color, off-off-orange!
In The Local Paper Today...
I'm sorry, what was your name again, kid? I'm kinda in a rush to make the first edition.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Blue Moon
It has been a long week. I'm tired and sleepy. I'll be surprised if I make it past 8 o'clock. I will be awake on New Year's Eve, though. We will have a blue moon (two full moons in one month and thirteen in the year) that will also be a partial eclipse.
The photos above I took in Colorado this past August. So pretty, so peaceful, like going to sleep on a cloud. That is exactly what I am going to do in a few hours. Right after I kill all the dogs in my house. Crazy freaking canines! Stop peeing on the carpet and waking me up at 4 a.m. or I get Michael Vick over here, I swear!
Bare Tushie On FSN
Shannon Brown's ass makes a special appearance at the beginning. Not to take anything away from him because it is a nice moon but why can't LeBron do this? Or one of the Staal brothers?
Merry Christmas, I Wrapped Your Whole Apartment!
You know that somebody had to be tweaking HARD to pull this kind of shit.
This Is What Happens When You Throw Your Police Cars Behind The Couch
Did I mention that it's cute video posting day?
So, What Did YOU Do This Christmas?
This guy put a camera on his remotely operated plane and let his kids shoot fireworks at it, set to a song by AC/DC, ftw!
Also, he's an unemployed chemical engineer, so hire him. Maybe he'll let you shoot fireworks at his kids and film it.
Also, he's an unemployed chemical engineer, so hire him. Maybe he'll let you shoot fireworks at his kids and film it.
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