Monday, December 28, 2009

The Only Top Ten List of 2009 That I've Paid Any Attention To

John Waters' top ten films of the past year:

1 Import Export (Ulrich Seidl) The most sorrowful movie of the year is also the best. The miserable lives of Ukrainian immigrants in Vienna make this agonizing but brilliantly directed opus the cinematic equivalent of slitting your wrists. A new genre? Depression porn? Hey, I got off.

2 Antichrist (Lars von Trier) If Ingmar Bergman had committed suicide, gone to hell, and come back to earth to direct an exploitation/art film for drive-ins, this is the movie he would have made

3 In the Loop (Armando Iannucci) A smart, mean, foulmouthed British satire about the struggle for global power that asks the all-important question: How do you debate the invasion of Iraq if your gums start to bleed in the middle of your presentation?

4 World’s Greatest Dad (Bobcat Goldthwait) Why, oh why, wasn’t this blackest of comedies a hit? Appallingly rude, decidedly family unfriendly, this autoerotic-suicide tale of a hateful son and his clueless father left the viewer gasping in surprise.

5 Brüno (Larry Charles) Don’t listen to the critics—it’s better than Borat. Imagine a hetero teen couple in a mall on a first date somewhere in Middle America watching Sacha Baron Cohen pantomime every known gay male sex act, ending in a joyous “facial.” Sometimes audiences get what they deserve.

6 Lorna’s Silence (Jean-Pierre and Luc Dardenne) How do these great art films get financed? European socialism, that’s how, and I’m glad the taxpayers abroad put up the dough for this Tracking Shots“R”Us masterpiece. Only the Dardenne brothers could get away with not showing the dramatic action that climaxes the whole movie. Just think if they had to test-screen this film in America!

7 Broken Embraces (Pedro Almodóvar) There was some grumbling from Cannes that this wasn’t one of Pedro’s best, but boy were those rumors wrong. It’s a beaut! A relentlessly intelligent melodrama filled with so many dizzying plot points that you’ll experience vertigo.

8 The Baader Meinhof Complex (Uli Edel) Now here were some kids who knew how to cause trouble! Hmmm...What should we do today? Stop the Olympics or blow up a commercial airplane? These radicals made the Weathermen look like pussies.

9 Whatever Works (Woody Allen) Gerontophilia never seemed so appealing. This time, Woody goes a little gay and lives to tell about it with lovely, comic success. I am so mad I don’t have this director’s career.

10 The Headless Woman (Lucrecia Martel) Bleached hair, hit-and-run accidents, in-laws with hepatitis? Huh? I didn’t get it, but I sure did love it!

Forget To Get That Fapper On Your List A Present?

They've got you covered.
And it comes in my favorite color, off-off-orange!

In The Local Paper Today...

I'm sorry, what was your name again, kid? I'm kinda in a rush to make the first edition.

Where Do I Send My Application?

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Blue Moon

It has been a long week. I'm tired and sleepy. I'll be surprised if I make it past 8 o'clock. I will be awake on New Year's Eve, though. We will have a blue moon (two full moons in one month and thirteen in the year) that will also be a partial eclipse.
The photos above I took in Colorado this past August. So pretty, so peaceful, like going to sleep on a cloud. That is exactly what I am going to do in a few hours. Right after I kill all the dogs in my house. Crazy freaking canines! Stop peeing on the carpet and waking me up at 4 a.m. or I get Michael Vick over here, I swear!

Bare Tushie On FSN

Shannon Brown's ass makes a special appearance at the beginning. Not to take anything away from him because it is a nice moon but why can't LeBron do this? Or one of the Staal brothers?

On A Slightly Less Adorable Note.....

Merry Christmas, I Wrapped Your Whole Apartment!

You know that somebody had to be tweaking HARD to pull this kind of shit.

This Is What Happens When You Throw Your Police Cars Behind The Couch

Did I mention that it's cute video posting day?

Possessed By Furballs

So, What Did YOU Do This Christmas?

This guy put a camera on his remotely operated plane and let his kids shoot fireworks at it, set to a song by AC/DC, ftw!

Also, he's an unemployed chemical engineer, so hire him. Maybe he'll let you shoot fireworks at his kids and film it.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Spartacus Trailer

I don't care if you're gay, straight or a freaking castrata, this shit is HOT.

Bad, Drunk Santa

This is for Mr. McSlore who spent all day Thursday trying to find this movie, to no avail. It figures. We should have bought it years ago, really.
Leave it to the WOW report to dig up this gem. I love the midget. Everything is better with little people and Tony Cox's side eye is unmatched in any realm of popular culture.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Christmas With the Puppies

Asleep by the fire and it's only 3 p.m.

Could This Kid Be Happier?

He was sick lot on his past birthdays with cancer etc. so his parents made this one extra special. Wow. Very sweet.

Merry Christmas everybody.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

I Knew They Were Really Thespians

I hear that support groups for people that watch Jersey Shore are popping up all over the country. It's like chocolate or crystal meth. Or chocolate flavored crystal meth.

And how do you not love this?

Real Housewives Say Merry Florida!

It is the last recap for 2009 and this week was a doozy. It took me forever to get it done but I hope that it's worth it for you guys.
What a bunch of cunts (love).

Sunday, December 20, 2009


I love James Franco so I put in an effort to watch his SNL appearance last night. After three dismal sketches, I quit watching, which means that I missed this-

Friday, December 18, 2009

Great Animation

The reddit link said that this was old. I don't care, it's new to me and pretty fantastic.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Laughed So Hard I Cried

This is one of those times where I wish that I still got stoned.

Asian Themed Ornaments

Last year our tree had an Asian theme and red lights and I want to do the same thing this year. The only problem is that, as you can see, it was really hard to find decently priced ornaments for it (there's like five of them on there, trust me). I found some paper lantern light strings at World Market and some random gewgaws at various stores here in Cleveland. Help me, please. Any ideas?

0+0= Fag

I watched the trailer for the new Kids in the Hall movie and it kinda sucked. It's almost as if they did the movie just because they needed the money. I was so excited too! Maybe they're saving the good stuff for when people actually go see it? Nah, doubt it.
David Foley isn't in it either. Not a good sign.
So, here's the drunk daddy sketch instead.

RHofLN Are Back

This is all kinds of fabulous, a complete laff riot.
And when I'm old, I am going to get one of those giant purses and shuffle all around the Heights randomly hitting inanimate objects with it. I've been dying to be a crazy old lady since I was about 12. I think it was even one of my Halloween costumes. I watched too much Mama's Family, I guess.

Teddy Bear Mass Suicide

I blame Jon Stewart.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Go Ahead, Laugh

It's monday and fat people that break chairs always make it better.

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Oh Shit, I Didn't Know The Kid In Front Of Me Had A Camera!

In my own defense, I'm in an interpretive dance group and I was practising my moves. Don't judge! It's for the big holiday extravaganza!

Courtney Love's got competition.

Well, That Only Took A Few Days

No surprise. Somebody took the voicemail and made a slow jam out of it. I'm waiting for the auto-tune version.
Oh, and here's a nice little tidbit- when he was fucking his side bitches in an Ambien haze, he wasn't wearing a condom. Maybe he was so stoned that he forgot how to put them on.
You know what I would do if I were him? Get divorced and fly the freak flag as high as possible! Start a new business venture- Tiger's Cocktail Waitress Cruises! Whatever, Tiger. Just quit lying. The cat's already out of the bag, so to speak.

I Recapped Those Bitches Again

This week we have grown women playing Bunko and getting trashed, grown children with no ambition or self control around alcohol, and an ex housewife who has really GROWN. Oh my God, when you see the cougar in the wigged out group picture at the 'Drunko' party YOU WILL DIE!

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Jersey, Hollaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!

I think that this clip stars the actual video crew from the Emmy worthy Jersey Shore. Try not to jizz in your pants. I failed.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Admit It. You'd Hit It

Obama acid!

Frosty the Inappropriate Snowman

CBS did an NPH voice-over to promote the actual cartoon that they are airing. Very strange to use his character from How I Met Your Mother to promote a Christmas special for the kiddies. But also, high-larious!

More Fun With Babies

Death Metal Baby

I see a bright future for this kid. One full of Manic Panic hair dye, hot topic spiked belts, mystical lyrics about ancient battles and plenty of alone time with his right hand.

Freestyle Play by Play Arrest

Dude sounds like he has Tourrettes or something or his mouth is cursed like the ballet slippers in The Red Shoes and he has to rap until he dies. Or it's the PCP.

James Lipton's Beard

It gives surprisingly good advice.
This is a genius new ad campaign for LG where the Beard imparts wisdom on the recipient. Teens should take heed, as should Tiger and pretty much everybody else.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Saturday, November 28, 2009

That's One Way To Earn Your Tuna Cassarole

And, Jazz Hands!

Did You Know...

Is that a picture of the ever popular anal bear? I know a few of those.

Pray For Tiger Part II

I felt so relieved when I heard that Tiger was okay and then I read that his wife was beating him with one of his own golf clubs and I felt even better!

Turns out that they were fighting on Thanksgiving over some chick who denies, denies that she had herself a little fun times with him in a hotel and wifey just went OFF!

I love how they are trying to spin the fact that she beat his car with a five iron, into trying to break a window to get him out. Wow. Who knew that Scandinavian girls had such vile tempers? The ones I knew were big boned stoners with promiscuous streaks and a penchant for skiing naked. Doing everything naked, actually.

Anyhoo, it's funny. I have remarked to Mr. McSlore on many occassions that if I could trade places with anyone in the world it would be Tiger. Now, not so much. Just wait until he receives that clubhouse ribbing from the other pros. Nothing like getting beat by your wife to humanize a fella. He REALLY needs your prayers now.

I Have Always Wondered If This Was Possible

Now I know.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Pray For Tiger

This is beyond sad. At 2:25 this morning, Tiger pulled out of driveway in Florida, hit a firhydrant that hit a tree and struck his Escalade. He's in serious condition and alcohol is not supposed to be involved. With the recent accusations of infidelity you have to wonder if he and wife Elin were fighting.

Either way, whatever the cause, I hope he makes a full recovery. Watching golf won't be the same without him.

If this were a year ago, I would be making a joke about where Phil Michelson was when this went down, but he beat Tiger this year so it wouldn't be as funny.

So wierd and sad. Ugh. I wish it was a joke or an internet hoax.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Maxwell Show Cancelled

I turned on the radio and.... bitch wasn't there! What the fuck?
Now I'm going to have to get Sirius or something because there is nothing good here in Cleveland anymore, nothing! Rover sucks balls and Opie and Anthony are gone, along with my need for anything other than college radio and an iPod.
WMMS used to be a great station. Now they play freaking country music Sunday mornings and enable someone as inane and insipidly stupid as Dieter to earn more in a month than anyone with an IQ below Derek Anderson's QB rating deserves. It must be a record. He makes this kid look like a genius:

Here's a link to sign the petition to get him back. If it does any good I will be shocked. Pleased but shocked. So go sign it. Do it for me? He was a victim of child sexual abuse, dammit! If you don't sign you're an un-American pedophile apologist.
Or a Catholic priest.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Sarah Palin's Book Is Out


And if you are like me, you don't want to read it except for the good parts. Azaria over at Jezebel has done just that. She's correlated the bits where Palin blames her failure on other people and says Katie Couric is suffering from "low self esteem."
She also blames Nicole Wallace, a campaign aid, for everything from her bad interviews to the corns she got from walking to podiums.
Okay, I made that last part up, but read the article and watch the video of Nicole on Rachel Maddow's show.

Visit for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Here's another site with a scathing review and an excerpt:

If you are in a hurry, here is the succinct version of this review: Going Rogue is shit. It is groundbreaking in its banality and disregard for facts. If you are sentient, it will pain you to read it. Imagine watching your parents 69 one another while John Madden sits behind you and bellows out color commentary and you will have some idea of how excruciating and profoundly scarring it is to plow through each page of this wholly fictional monument to self-aggrandized mediocrity. Going Rogue is to the art of writing what the Holocaust is to the concept of a just God – the piece of disconfirming evidence so overwhelming that we are left questioning whether it can exist at all.

Why Carrie PreJean Won't Drink Milk

More Evil From The House-Hoes

I haven't been blogging lately because I had houseguests for the weekend and then I had to recap those harpies in Orange County again.
It's the gift that keeps on giving.

Friday, November 13, 2009


Poor Jon Stewart. He makes himself watch Fox news in order to catch Hannity's apology for the old crowd footage he used to make it seem like the anti healthcare demonstrations in Washington had a bigger turnout than it really did.
I almost peed mt pants laughing.
Sean Hannity Apologizes to Jon
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Thursday, November 12, 2009

Is This For Real?

MTV has a new show on it's lineup starting December 3rd called 'Jersey Shore.' It stars a bunch of kids in their 20s living in a shore house together a la Real World. They are basically douchebags but the producers call them guidos, like it makes it better. Even the girls on this show are vile so it should be fantastic. Can't wait! It's like an early Christmas present from DB1!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009


I love this cat.

Hold Everything

If you haven't crank called someone you are either Amish with no access to a phone or a damn liar.
I'd share my stories if I could. The only problem is that I would end up with some serious lawsuits on my hands and it is really hard to explain to people why it was a good idea to get someone so confused and hoodwinked that the local looney bin started to look like a good idea. A REALLY good idea if you get my drift. Yes, I got someone sent to a mental hospital. What?! Don't judge. She came from there in the first place! It's not like it was something new for her. Hell, she probably missed the applesauce and creamed corn, not to mention the fabulous Xanax.
Fine downers do not grow on trees, people. You have to earn them.

Real Housewives Recap

Better late than never, right?
Some of you may not know that I do recaps for TVgasm. After the debacles of Megan Wants a Millionaire and the borefest of My Antonio, Flipit has given me a show that I can really sink my teeth into.
To read the reaming click here:

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Slideshow of One Of My Favorite Artists

Derek Hess.
Time to get those posters out of the attic, dontcha think, baby?

If It SMELLED Like Bacon, Then I Might Like It

Enjoli still smells like something a truck stop hooker would spray on to try to cover up her cigarette and meth B.O. before she goes down on Jeb in the cab of his Utility big rig. The only difference is that now instead of buying it from the perfume counter at Higbee's, you can get it in finer drugstores all across the country, as it should have been from the very beginning.

Forbidden Love

Cat falls for Chihuahua. Chihuahua does not return the favor. Date rape ensues. Struggle is one sided. Restraining orders are procurred.
This is some PePe Le Pew shit. Poor puppy.

The Droid Drops Tomorrow

My boyfriend is already in love, and he hasn't even met her yet.
It's the new Motorola phone, for you non-geeks out there who haven't already jizzed in their pants a million times over it. There are fewer apps than the iphone but everything else it has is cheaper and updated with all the latest google jazziness.
And if you guessed that I do not speek geek, you would be correct. When he gets home I'll ask him to help explain this thing so I don't sound like a beauty pageant contestant.

The Next Time That Stinky Homeless Guy Asks You For Money

Give him one of these.

Michael Musto As Palin On Countdown, You Betcha!

Not as funny as Tina Fey but still way more charisma and inner beauty than the real thing.

Too Big To Melt With A Lighter

Great costume idea.

Rhianna On Good Morning America

The full interview will air tomorrow but I'm glad that she finally spoke out about it. I'm also glad to hear that she realized that going back to him was not the right thing to do. She even says that she was embarrassed by the fact that this type of guy was someone that she fell in love with. Seems like she's been in therapy. How much you wanna bet that Jay-Z had a hand in that? Thank God for good mentoring.

Scientology Explained

A simple slideshow explains what loonies like Tom Cruise and Kirstie Allie believe, but is it really any worse than anything else? They all get to enjoy tax free status, unlike you and me. I need to create one of these religion thingymajiggies, stat.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

I've Been There

But now I limit myself to 27. It's called maturity.

Please Turn It Upside Down and Rename It The Daffy

Somebody over at reddit noticed that the Dodge Viper hood logo looks very peculiar when you turn it on it's head.

Judging by the assholes that I've seen driving these cars, Daffy would be an improvement. They are always the ones riding your ass on the freeway or cutting you off and taking your parking space. Every once in a while one of these jerks gets their due. Case in point-

Et Tu, Maine?

Everybody voted, the ballots are counted and a state that I thought was super liberal has overturned the gay marriage law. I guess I was wrong.

I am not a huge proponent of marriage, I think that civil unions are better for everyone, including straights, but why does fucking an entire part of our culture up the ass every few years seem to make some people (religious groups) so damn happy? I am not going to post the picture of them gleefully celebrating while gays and lesbians get their hearts broken. This is bad enough.

And New York? Bloomberg, for a THIRD time? Someone help me with this, it does not compute. Lawmakers like him changing the law to benefit only himself is beyond unacceptable, but you voted him back in on top of it! Blech!

Here in Ohio an issue allowing gambling finally passed, as did one changing county government to help rid us of some of the corruption that has been plaguing Cleveland for years now. I sure hope it works but I'm not holding my breath.

Remember last year? How excited and hopeful we all were because change was finally coming. Well, it looks like it is going to take a little longer than we thought it would.

The New V

We watched this last night and it was okay. Just okay. We'll give it a couple more weeks to see if the character development improves but other than that, where are the hot guys? Shows like this need hot guys! It's not just me, right? And that teenager doesn't count, it's not cool to mack on the underage, as Taylor Lautner has taught us. He turns 18 in February, by the way. Then all bets are off.

Battlestar Gallactica wrote the book on sci-fi TV show remakes (if you leave out the horribly disappointing ending) and this can't hold a candle to that. Maybe my standards are to high but you can't throw the whore from Serenity and the kid from Party of Five together and just expect it to be a hit. Meh.

On A Lighter Note...

Ha Ha, dumbass.

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He Likes His Women Dead

Dead girls don't put up a fight, they don't say no and you needn't take them out to dinner or worry about winning them over with your sparkling personality.

What you do need to worry about is where to hide those pesky bodies. Especially if you don't eat them like Jeffrey Dahlmer did. So, Anthony Sowell buried them in the back yard, left them to rot in the attic and wrapped their skulls in paper in the basement. That means that he lived in close proximity to the death he created on a constant basis. Maybe he liked it that way, I'm not sure that I want to know.

What will probaby happen is that people from his childhood will pop up and have things to say about their impressions of him, what he was like with girls and if he started out torturing animals. You have to take it with a grain of salt since some people will do anything for their five seconds on the evening news.

This is so depressing but isn't it fitting that the police caught him on Halloween? And just a few days before that he was up to his usual shit, getting a girl drunk in his house and attacking her with the intent to rape and kill. Thank God that one managed to get away.

The saddest part? All those families visiting the missing person's station that they set up down the street, hoping that one of the bodies is their missing loved one, just for some answers and maybe some closure.

By the way, we are up to ten bodies now. All this just a few miles from our home. Read the sex offender list from your neighborhood, people. There are plenty of sickos out there and they are not just in Ohio, though we do seem more adept than other states at creating them.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Clash of the Cretins

Do Philly and New York have the worst fans?
I can't answer for Philly but I did fear for my life at a Yankees game back in the early 90s. Then again, one of my favorite people in the world is a huge fan of the pinstripes and even worked for them so, yeah. I'm going to be wishy-washy on this one.
But what is with the orange and brown suits? I am not getting that part. Must be a Fall reference because I have worn my Steelers gear in Browns' stadium and only one drunk ass dude with beer fueled bravery said anything other than good humored insult banter. And then he saw my 6'4" brother and shut the hell up.

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Interview With Ian McKellan

I love him for so many reasons. For Gandalf, for his hilarious hosting of SNL, for the fact that when he laughs he really laughs and you feel it. He is a genuine human being who can act but doesn't seem able to lie, if you know what I mean.
I had to giggle at the bit about the hotel bible. I stole one back in September and I'm trying to figure out which friend's bedside drawer it is going to randomly end up nestled in. The biggest sinner, more than likely. Damn. That is going to be a hard choice.

Details: Is it true that when you stay at hotels you tear out the Bible page that condemns homosexuality?
Ian McKellen: I do, absolutely. I'm not proudly defacing the book, but it's a choice between removing that page and throwing away the whole Bible. And I'm not really the first: I got delivered a package of 40 of those pages—Leviticus 18:22—that had been torn out by a married couple I know. They put them on a bit of string so that I could hang it up in the bathroom.

Details: So did you?
Ian McKellen: It is in the bathroom, yes, but it's too much of a curiosity to actually put to use.

Details: Does it trouble you that after becoming one of the great Shakespearean players you'll probably be remembered as the wizard from a CGI blockbuster?
Ian McKellen: I'm well aware that when I go, the London Evening Standard billboard is going to say GANDALF DIES. No, it's fine. Gandalf is a great character, and I ride on the back of his popularity, not the other way around. And you could say I've missed out on having kids but I've grandfathered so many children through the role.


Humping Angel Rhianna Wants You To 'Wait Your Turn'

I don't hate it.
I love the gathered shoulder/asymmetrically buttoned jacket. So 80s.

I Forgot How Funny Onion News Was

If I run over Glenn Beck, will I become a national hero? Would there be a Twunty McSlore Day complete with bank closings and keys to the city? Actually, I'd settle for a Target gift card and a dozen Einstein Asiago cheese bagels.

Victim In Fatal Car Accident Tragically Not Glenn Beck

Congratulate Your Queen

Her name is Haruna Ai and she is a 37 year old transgendered person from Japan. The Miss Queen contest was held in Thailand which is so perfect since they are amazingly tolerant of all sexes there (and all sex if a friend of mine is to be believed).

Millions watched the pageant on television and girlfriend won $10,ooo, a years stay at a Pattaya hotel and a $500 surgery voucher. What will that cover, one ball?

She is pretty damn gorgeous, you have to admit. Makes me look like a damn cow. I'll be in front of the fridge if you need me.

Oooooo, Chrissy! That's Fabulous

Fall is slowly easing into Winter now that Halloween is over, and I hate it. I'm one of those people who lives for sunlight and hates the darkness. I'll start to get insomnia in about two months and begin haunting the heated tees in anticipation of better weather, all the while trying to pretend that I'm not getting crabbier and crabbier (and fucking fuck, the PMS excuse only works for a week each month).
What does any of this have to do with "Lipstick?' It reminds me of the late 80s and modeling in the fall and winter in freaking bathing suits, David Lachapelle making me stare into the sun over a grate on 6th Avenue. Those were the cold days where I was so insanely busy that I didn't even notice the weather. I need to get back to that. Anybody need a 40 something model to sell their golf clubs or hormone replacement therapy alternatives? I've already done a wrinkle filler ad, so it's no big stretch for me. FUCK! Getting older sucks.

Friday, October 30, 2009


Which makes me a total nerd but shit! He actually transforms!

Every Party Needs Drunk Ewoks

The moonwalking is special and something tells me that this isn't Al's first time to the leg humping rodeo.