Wednesday, December 31, 2008

For All of You Who Cannot Dance

Live and learn, children.

I Want to Say

Happy New Year, everybody! Love you all and thank you for reading my blog and being all-around wonderful people. I hope that this year brings you love, prosperity and fun shit that you will share with me. I know that I am luckier than most, I am happy, healthy and am surrounded by great friends and family. There are so many crappy things going on right now but I choose to remain positive and I hope that I bring a smile to your face on a regular basis. I couldn't have done it without you.

Thanks to Billy, who made me start this blog in the first place. Thanks to everyone on the internet who provide me with my material. Thanks to Chilean wines, you make life worth living, and thanks to Rock. I love you more than you will ever know. I got lucky that day you found me on Myspace. Who knew? I just wish that everyone could be as lucky as me right now. Kisses!

Ice Bowl, Dammit!!

We went to the Sabers/Penguins Winter Classic last New Years and it was amazing. Snowed the whole time, the Blackhawk helicopters went over our heads and the Pens won on a Sidney Crosby shoot-out goal. Couldn't have asked for more except maybe that the people in front of us could have been less drunk and more dead. At least vomit wasn't involved.

So all you lucky bastards that have tickets to tomorrow's game, F**K YOU! Enjoy it. I will be watching from the comfort of my bed all snuggly with the puppies and some hair-of-the-dog wine, so freeze your asses off, bitches!

Who am I kidding. I wish I was there. Boo effing hoo.

Missing Manchester Tennessee

It is 25 degrees here in Cleveland and I am trying to channel the heat of Bonnaroo last June. We were sweating our asses off and the only thing that made it bearable was the copious amounts of beer and wine we consumed. If you haven't gotten your tickets for next year, do it now! We got the early $200 ones and they were gone within a few days. Hopefully there won't be any Kanye style fiasco this year. And for any newbies out there, it is the only time it is okay to wear Crocs. God will forgive you since you have to walk miles through dust and mud and spray your feet down every half hour.
And no, that is not your imagination. That purple guy in the photo above made his outfit out of Crown Royal bags. Love at first sight. We haven't set a date yet for the nuptuals, but I guarantee it will be whiskeylicious.

This is Why I Love Ricky Gervais

His Christmas blog entry:

Only 351 days till Xmas. Am I getting old, or was Xmas TV the biggest load of shit ever? Obviously TV in general is awful but there was nothing I wanted to watch. (except TV Burp) When will TV, Film and Comedy stop pandering to the brain-dead masses? Still, that's the way of the world. I suppose that's why excellence shines. Back in London after spending a couple of days with the folks being attacked by cats, dogs and children. It was like stepping out of the car in a safari park. And so that was Xmas. January kicks off the same way as last year for me with The Golden Globes in L.A. I didn't actually go last year as the writers strike meant there was no posh ceremony. Still won though. Still won. I missed the British Comedy Awards too. Shame. It would have been nice to be in a room with a load of of bitter drunks who were less famous than the presenters. Talking of which. Here is a compilation of me winning and rubbing salt in the wound. And insulting a little disabled fella. Oh, and if anyone thinks I'm going to rethink my act in the present "watch what you say" climate, they've got another fucking puff rapist cunt Jesus tits aids cock-sucking think coming. Happy New Year.

Your Daily Douche

(I have to watch this)

I Want a Bloody Smiley Face

More Watchmen stuff. Let's hope that Fox doesn't ruin the fun for the rest of us. They are still trying to block the release of the film and a judge will be hearing the case on January 20th.

Watchmen Exclusive

It's Going to be a Great Day

Good morning everybody! Let's start our day with some Kathy Griffin on Larry King Live talking about everyone's favorite newsboy, Anderson Cooper Dreamboat. Kathy and Cutie Pie are covering New Years in Times Square again which means that we'll get to watch Kathy say suggestive things to Andy, and we'll get to hear that goofy Cooper giggle. Seriously, I don't care if he's gay or straight, he needs to make some silver haired babies with somebody. Namely, me.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Christmas Takes Its Toll

Daniel Craig eating Ruffles potato chips. Look! He has a little holiday belly! How cute! Mine is not so cute. Mine is approximately ten times the size of that, filled with pretzels, chocolate, pork roast, deep fried tortillas and Hooters' wings. No lie. Please pray for me as I begin to suffer by eating salad, steamed fish and veggies so that I can fit into something other than holey sweatpants. Yay. Diets. And people like Madonna eat like this every day voluntarily? Assholes. Yes, that's right. Today everyone is an asshole.

Is It Retarded?

Bristol Palin popped her kid out yesterday, a little boy that they named Tripp. You heard right, the idiots named him Tripp. Only one of two things could possibly make you name your newborn baby Tripp. Either it's an homage to Levi Johnston's mother's career path or they're big fans of cheap East Village bondage clothing. Assholes.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Merry Christmas Everbody

I'm at Panera in St. Louis right now and some annoying little shits are singing Christmas carols behind me. I'd leave except this is the only place with free Wifi. So, I hope everyone is safe and happy and doesn't kill any of their relatives, unless they are in their will.

Monday, December 22, 2008

We'll See

We are flying to St Louis today and I don't know how much I'll be able to post in the next week. It could be a lot, it could be nada.

And thanks to Karen for watching the dogs while we are gone.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Speaking of the Pirates

Has anyone watched the 'Million Dollar Arm' special on ESPN? If you didn't, here's the deal; a Major League scout who once was a pitching coach for USC put together a baseball talent hunt in India. He wanted to see if he could find the next great pitcher in a country that loves cricket, but hasn't really latched onto baseball. He found these two guys who are sweet beyond words, grew up with nothing but the bare neccessities and now have a chance to make it in The Show here in the states. And the Pirates drafted them, yay! Here's Rinku and Dinesh's blog.

Let's See the Bratz do This

Dock Ellis Dead at 63

If you weren't a Pittsburgh Pirates fan in the 70s, you probably don't remember him. He helped the team win the World Series in 1971 and claimed that he was high on LSD when he pitched a no-hitter in 1970.

Now, that's talent.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Snow puppy

Thanks to Cute Overload and Bailey the crazy snow puppy!

Did I Tell You I've Been Knitting Lately?

It's fun.

Palate Cleanse

I apologize for posting that skanky picture below and to prove it here is Taylor Kitsch in Tribeza magazine. I hope it gets the taste of the CDC out of your mouth, and I'll try not to do it again.

They Could Just Follow the Trail of Crabs..

If they want to catch whoever burglarized Paris Hilton's house today. First off, kudos to a guy with balls enough to go into her bedroom and actually touch stuff. And secondly, they said 2 million in jewels were stolen. Who the hell did she get that much bling from? One of those stupid Greek heirs she gave the Herp to? I probably have about $29.95 in gems and I never gave anyone anything! Not one STD! I must be doing something wrong..

Watch Out for the Zamboni!

You don't hear that every day.

Must-Not-See TV

This is just a rumor right now so don't whip out the barf bags just yet. Frank Stallone and his mom Jackie are getting a reality show. That's right, Sly's big brother is going to try and drum up another 15 minutes of fame before his mother goes off the the big plastic surgeon in the sky. Well, parts of her will go, the remainder he can put out with the rest of the recycling.

This is why I thank heaven for Joel McHale and The Soup. I will never have to watch a minute of it because those masochists do it for me. I can just wait for something truly and deliciously retarded to happen and giggle at Joel's spin on it. See, everybody wins!
And I have an excuse to post this French and Saunders clip:

Li'l Gordon Ramsey

I can't decide which I like better. And I wish they could have left in all the F-bombs.

Li'l Bill O'Reilly

I'm surprised that none of you had sent this to me before.

Good God, Not You People Again

And the Palin clan rears its' ugly head yet one more time.

Bristol Palin's fiancee (cough, cough) and baby-daddy Levi Johnston came home to some unexpected house cleaning yesterday. Seems his mommy was arrested in a drug sting operation and faces six felonies including drug dealing. Oopsie! And just in time for the holidays.

It really was kind of nice of those considerate troopers to wait a reasonable time after the election to arrest her, doncha think? I wonder if any of the troopers involved was Sarah's former brother-in-law? It would make for a perfect 'oh snap!' moment. Imagine the look on her face. Somebody's going to get fired today, you betcha!

Bragging Rights Just Got Harder

So, you think you're a guy with a big peen? Prove it.

A company called Condometric has come out with a line of condoms that have rulers on the side, in inches for us Stateside, and centimeters for the rest of the planet.

I smell another great gift idea! Oops. That did not sound right.

The Child Catcher

What makes for a good children's movie? At least one creepy nightmare-inducing character. God, he gave me the heebie geebies.

Deep Throat Dead at 95

When I read that on my igoogle this morning the first place my mind went to was porn. Who on earth was in that movie that would be that old? Certainly not Linda Lovelace.

Anyway, the number two guy under Hoover and the big whistle-blower on Watergate died in hospice in California (he probably just saw Frost/Nixon and had a coronary). Nope, they said he was in a good mood, ate his breakfast and then, poof! He died. So, so long to the guy who helped to make my life a misery when I had the chicken pox in the 5th grade. All that was on the TV my mom wheeled into my room was the hearings and soap operas. I went back to school a few weeks later and was the Nixon/Erlichman expert of Case Elementary. Made me real popular, I must say.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Cutest Puppy Post Ever

How to Properly Hug a Baby

1. First, uh, find a baby.
2. Second, be sure that the object you found was
indeed a baby by employing classic sniffing techniques.

3. Next you will need to flatten the baby before actually beginning the
hugging process.

4. The 'paw slide'
Simply slide paws around baby and prepare for possible close-up.

5. Finally, if a camera is present, you will need to execute
the difficult and patented 'hug, smile, and lean' so as to
achieve the best photo quality.

Thank you Karen and whoever created this email. It made my day.

How Not to Comment

Love this article on blog comment etiquette.

Hell Must Have Frozen Over

Because it snowed in Vegas.

On the one hand, it's pretty cool to have snow on Palm trees and a white Christmas in the desert. But on the other hand, think of all the poor, freezing hookers in their mini skirts and sky-high heels slipping and falling on the ice, spilling condoms out of their purses onto the pavement in front of little Bobbie or Cindy who are there with their mom and dad because the travel agent says that Vegas is a family destination now. The humiliation! Think of the working girls, people.

I Guess You've Got To Do Something When Your Team Sucks

The rideable Browns couch, another great gift idea!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Merry Shoemas, Everybody!

Let's Make the Pro Bowl Relevant Again

The NFL Pro Bowl picks came out today and everyone is complaining. It's the usual bitching and moaning: The game is after the end of the season so it doesn't matter, my favorite team/player/water boy got overlooked, and it's just a free trip to Hawaii that they can afford on their own anyway. Well rejoice, children, for I have solved the problem.

Instead of picking out the best players let's poll to see who the hottest NFL wives and girlfriends are, put them in bikinis on the beach and make them play touch football. There would be nipple slips and bottoms tugged down so they might have to broadcast on the Playboy channel but I guarantee huge ratings!
Are you listening, Roger Goodell?

Rachel Maddow in Vogue

The fabulously witty and spot-on Rachel Maddow is featured in an article on newswomen in Vogue Magazine with Katie Couric and Campbell Brown. I skipped their blathering and just read Rachel's bit. Is she the cutest lesbian on TV? Oh wait, that would be Bill O'Reilly. God, I hate him.

It's the Year of Obama

My boyfriend and I were in the check-out line the other day looking at the magazine covers when I remarked, "I bet Obama gets Time's Man of the Year." He said that he didn't think so because he hadn't done anything in office yet. I guess that the people at Time magazine aren't waiting for him to get into office because I was right. It's more about what he represents, that over-used but needed more than ever word, hope, than any accomplishments he's made up until now. But I personally would have prefered Spaghetti Cat.

I Finally Figured it Out

There have been a lot of pictures of Mickey Rourke lately because he is getting accolades for his performance in "The Wrestler," but I've been tearing my hair out trying to put my finger on who he looks like. I am happy to report that I've found the answer: the melting nazi in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog on Global Warming

I read today that we are losing trillions of gallons of glacier ice as a result of global warming so I needed a laugh.

Drunken Fan Sign

I beleive it says, "me" and "your mom."

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Money Shot Commercial

Did Bailey's hire a porno movie director to film this commercial? Or maybe I just have a dirty mind? I think that it's just good marketing. Alcohol + big lips + milky liquid = cum buy me.

Find more videos like this on AdGabber


This kind of looks like something Tyra Banks would do, only way cooler.

Thank Heaven for Pretty Boys

I posted the Wolverine trailer yesterday and it made me curious about the actor who plays Gambit, a gambler and hustler from New Orleans. His name is Taylor Kitsch, he's Canadian and one of the stars of "Friday Night Lights," that high school football TV show I should be watching because it combines so many things that make life worth living; football, cute boys, sweaty cute boys half naked, girls drooling over brooding pouting cute boys and did I mention, hot half naked sweaty brooding pouty cute boys?

I need a shower. And he's 26. I'm not a perv!!

Now Mike Tyson Has Two Things Going for Him

He's got a terrible lisp and now he's fat too! Get in line, girls. He's mine!

Photo from some nerdy video game awards nonsense.

Heat Miser, Please Come to Ohio

It's freaking freezing here, ugh! Anyhoo, it's everybody's favorite from "The Year Without a Santa Claus." Hmm. Why do I have a sudden desire to watch Paul Lynde videos while eating red cotton candy?

There's Going to be an Album? Joy!

I loved "Dick in a Box" and "Jizz in My Pants" and now I find out that there will be an entire album of fabulously stupid songs under the group name of Lonelyisland. It features Andy Samberg, Jorma Taccone and Akiva Schaffer. It will be called Incredibad and it comes out in February. God, I hope they get Justin Timberlake to do a bad BeeGees type of song. The album cover suggests that I might not be disappointed.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Looks Like it Cost 5 Cents to Make, Probably Cost 5 Million

Lady Sovereign - I Got You Dancing

Weirdly catchy, though.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine Trailer


Congrats to Tobie and Peter

Yay! They got married yesterday! And no, that isn't really them above but it stays until I get some wedding pictures emailed to me from New York (hint, hint).

Steelers Squeek By the Ravens

If I knew a single person who admitted to being a Ravens fan, I'd be hearing about this touchdown all week. What an exhausting game. What defense. What hatred. Even Jeff Reed, the kicker, got a penalty for unneccessary roughness!

Sunday, December 14, 2008

This Has Gone Far Enough

Here is Naomi Campbell on the cover of Vogue China, botoxed to within an inch of her life, and pictures from the beginning and middle of her career. It doesn't look a damn thing like the cute girl with the big smile who started out 2 decades ago. Doesn't her face look like it went through a horrible Novacaine accident at the dentists? It seems as if the only thing she can move is her eyes. Are celebrities turning into ventriloquist's dolls? Is Jocelyn Wildenstein the new standard of beauty? I'm scared.

Can You Stand It?

Oklahoma's Bradford Wins the Heisman

I guess they have to give it to you if you have 48 touchdown passes and the highest scoring team in a major division ever. This also marks the second softmore in a row to win the coveted trophy, after Tim Tebow of Florida won it last year. Since they play each other in the BCS title game, it should make it interesting so I might actually watch.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but is there some kind of law for white college quarterbacks that they have to be goofy looking? This kid looks like a Mormon who still wets his bed and goes home whenever he can so mommy can do his laundry.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Hockey Tushies

Cuz I like big butts, that's why.

Hockey players are the single most under-rated sex symbols on the planet. After drag queens, of course.

Where's Steve?

Love this commercial.

Keepin' it Klassy Part III

And I'm sure that there will be a part 4 & 5 & 6, that's pretty much a given.

Here's Pamela Anderson doing that magic show stuff that she does which I assume is impossible for her to do with pants on. Love you, Pammie! Keep it up!

Friday, December 12, 2008

What's That in Your Hand, Kate?

No! Could it be? Really?? Well, if anyone can bring back poppers it's probably Kate Moss. It's so 80s of her!

It's Going to Be a Good Night to Lie on Your Back...

and gaze at the sky. What did you think I was going to say? Perverts.

The moon is going to be its closest to the earth tonight so when it rises it will appear super huge. Let's just hope it will be clear wherever you are, I'm pretty sure it won't be here in Cleveland. I don't think that I've seen the sun all week.

Bye Bye Bettie

As expected, Bettie Page has died of pneumonia in an L.A. hospital at the age of 85. I have so much love and respect for this woman, did you know that she had a Bachelor of Arts degree? Me neither. She was the bondage queen but she did it in such a flirty, innocent way that it looks kind of quaint to me compared with all the hardcore stuff that is out there now. The fact that gets 20 million hits a month proves that she will remain an American icon for many years to come. And I love the fact that she will be buried in Westwood Cemetery only a few feet from that other early Playboy icon, Marilyn Monroe.

Sports Quickies

Do the Pens have to score all their points in one game? The last time they scored this many goals was 2001 but they managed to beat the Islanders 9-2. Petr Sykora finally gets that hat trick he's been waiting his whole life for, Dupuis gets one too, Bears beat the Saints 27-24, the Celtics are 21-2, and terrell Owens is a paranoid little bitch who thinks that Tony Romo is out to get him. That dude has more estrogen than I do.