Saturday, October 30, 2010

Friday, October 29, 2010

Ghost Stories, Please

I've only had a couple of run-ins with phenomena that could be interpreted as ghostly. One happened so long ago, that the memory is fuzzy at best. It involved a locked room in the home we were renting in Kent when I was three or four. The landlady stored some of her belongings up there, including a huge old sleigh bed. Why she would trust them to remain unharmed in a house with five children in it was beyond me. Well, she had met my father, after all. His solution to every transgression involved either a belt or worse, the silent treatment.

One day, in the long dog days of Summer when you can barely move, the heat is so bad, my sister came down the stairs all breathless and white. She was a sneaky little fucker and had broken into the locked room in the attic. I followed her to the door which she opened to reveal a bunch of boxes and a perfectly ordinary rocking chair. Only it was rocking. And no one was sitting in it. And the windows were closed so no breeze entered the room. The really creepy part was the fact that the floorboards in front of it were creaking, as if someone was sitting there pushing off with their feet. Needless to say, we went shrieking down the stairs. This is why I am the way I am today. Or it could have been the belt. It's a toss-up.

The only other time I remember, other than some freaky shit in a Brownstone in Brooklyn, was when I got an attic door slammed shut in my face by a jealous female ghost. It was in an old house in Medina that had been part of the underground railroad in the 19th century. The building had been converted into the law firm where my ex was not yet partner. They say the lady had wanted to marry someone that her mother did not approve of, so she died a spinster. You know, the usual romantic ideal of the sad gothic chick who can't make it to heaven because her doll got lost or something. Wah. 

She would do the usual light flickering and object moving but I'm pretty sure that I was the first person she actually hated. A guy's gal, she was, just like Camille! So, if you have any stories you'd like to share, I'd love to hear them. Happy Halloween, everybody! 

Thursday, October 28, 2010

It's Almost Barracuda Time

Camille needs to get laid. Russell dances about as well as a drowning Emo doll. Stretch wouldn't have rhythm if it you could get it injected at the doctor's office. Ken is starting to remind me of Richard Branson, Adrienne looks like she's going to kill someone and Mauricio wants me. Can't wait til tonight!

My PSA of the Day

It's election time, and if you're like me you've been getting a ton of robo-calls at your home. Yesterday was a canned Bill Clinton reminding me to vote early because, "there's a lot riding on it."

Don't worry, I'm not going to make a bad joke. Not this time anyway. 

I vote by mail and we mailed them in over a week ago, so it's even more annoying than usual. If I tell one of you people that I already sent my ballot out, will you leave me alone? Clearly not. Here's a tip, though, for those of you who still have home phones. When you pick up the receiver and hear that canned message start up, dial star, pound, and the number zero. Or throw the phone and break it. I hear that works too. 

Boughetto Is My New Favorite Word

Thank you, Kandi. I love her, and she hit the nail on the head with that word. Bourgeois and Ghetto. Phaedra in a nutshell.

I'm sorry. Did The Queen of Yikes fall face first into the '5 for a dollar' bin at Michaels? And ballerinas at a baby shower? Maybe, and I do mean MAYBE, that would be okay if you were an actual ballerina and were having a girl who might grow up to be one.

And that SMILE.
 I've never had a kid, so I'm just asking. When you are in your tenth trimester, do you start bonding with the baby inside you so heavily, that you actually start to look like a toddler? I half expected some soggy Cheerios to slide out of her mouth, half eaten and drool covered.

And why did the Michelin Man poop in her hair? Surely he has better things to do.

In related news, Mariah Carey finally confirmed that she is pregnant. She's going to make this shower look like lunch at the homeless shelter.

Caption The Housewife, Flip Your Wig Edition

NOW do you believe her? Me neither. Plus, someone needs to steer her in the direction of a decent blue rinse for that pile of brass on her head.

Audrina's Mommy Is Articulate

I don't watch Dancing With The FameWhores, but I did watch The Hills before Lauren left. Audrina is a dope. She doesn't have enough brain energy to power a keychain flashlight. How did she get that way? I'm going with fetal alcohol syndrome. Judge for yourself with her Mother's charming little rant before someone makes a call and it gets pulled down.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Is It Me?

Or is Snooki starting to look like Tila Tequila?
Hm, she's kissed girls, she's on a reality show, she's tiny and has indiscriminate taste in men. She should be her for Halloween. All she needs is a wig, a push-up bra, mini skirt and heels, and she can borrow those from The Situation.

A Commenting Note

I disabled captcha and 'registered users only' since so many of you were having trouble commenting. Now anyone can comment in any way they please (not you, spammers). 

Did it help? I guess I'll find out. Also, I will be moderating any comments that are labeled Anonymous very closely.  They are usually a sign of a troll, and honey, I ain't got time for those. So, please, if you must be labeled anonymous, simply sign your comments with a moniker. That would be lovely, and then I will know who I am talking to. Thanks, everyone! I want this to be a nice place to visit and for everyone to feel safe and not judged, so have at it.
Your Twunt

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

For Coleen

I keed, I keed!!
Ha ha, your present is after the jump.

Caption The Housewife

Halloween edition!

Well, Well, Well

You gotta love her. She has that old school thing going on, a little Ronnie Spector with some Bardot hitching along for the ride. Plus, she puts hot men in her videos. What's not to like? I think this song is going to be huge.

for Billy

Monday, October 25, 2010

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: Sisters Ain't Doin' It For Themselves

Oh, these hos! They just don't get it. Some of them are worse than others. They remind me of overgrown babies, but instead of pacifiers, they have flutes of Champagne. You know how little infants are all helpless and need love in order to survive? Well, these ladies never grew out of that state. They grasp and grasp at whatever defines love to them at that moment, whether it's a dress or a child or a giant chocolate bunny. They have a love tank and it needs to be filled, dammit! Now, get to fillin' it!

Pure Joy

Thanks, Terese! Sometimes I forget how cute kids can be.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

How Do I Say This Delicately


Add to that the fact that every muscle in my waistline hurts because I tried to demolish several golf balls yesterday. I need to do yoga again. 
Big dummy.
The good news? The dogs slept through the night. The bad news? I still woke up with a uterus.

And how do I get this gif to work? Joe? Anyone? pfft.