Saturday, March 21, 2009

Pocket Pussy Dispenser

I've always had a strong suspician that Germans are uber-kinky, but this is just skanky. You can buy a pretend coochie from a machine in the men's bathroom for only 4 Euros. Why God, why???

Colbert vs. Steele Rap Battle

He's wearing a pinstriped hoodie! Genius.
The Colbert ReportMon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Michael Steele's Rap Battle Response
Colbert Report Full EpisodesPolitical HumorMark Sanford

Sarah Palin Refuses Money for Special Needs Children

What a hypocritical asshole. She has a kid with Down's Syndrome! I guess that as long as you have that cushy governer's State sponsored health care, you really don't give a damn if other people are recieving what they need.
So, out of the money earmarked for Alaska, she took the construction dollars and refused the education and welfare money? I am in a purple rage right now, especially after reading back in February how thousands of Alaskans were literally starving because of fewer deliveries to their state and higher unemployment. They need to boot her ass to Russia where things are completely amoral and out of control. She'll fit right in..

Friday, March 20, 2009

Cocaine Crockery

I have to hand it to whoever decided to compress 45 pounds of cocaine into this delightful set of dishes with a whimsical sunflower design. It is very creative and much safer than sticking it up a dozen drug mules' asses. Sadly, the police in Spain caught on to the ruse and arrested the recipient who had the stuff sent to him from Venezuelan drug lords. Can you imagine if it had been delivered to the wrong house? Somebody's Nana would be so excited by the pretty teacups she'd have to try them out right away, and maybe invite some of her septagenarian cohorts over for some Earl Grey with a little something extra. Grannies on coke, baking thousands of cookies, knitting afghans furiously and taking turns riding the fifty year old washing machine in the basement, gums a flappin'. Good times.

Line Up, Ladies

Meet Brad Gellert. He is a soon to be single guy living in Florida, the state that ranks third behind New Jersey and California in producing douchebags. I think this guy is trying to single-handedly move his state up in the rankings. Look at his shirt! That is what he was wearing when the cops picked him up for choking and beating his wife. So if you come home and your husband is wearing this t-shirt don't go, "Awwww, honey! That's so sweet!" Run for your life.

A Florida man was arrested for allegedly choking his wife during an argument in their Tampa-area home. According to a police report, the 32-year-old financial consultant got into an argument with his wife and “screamed at the victim and threw numerous items.” He then allegedly “grabbed the victim’s neck and strangled her,” which “prevented the victim from breathing normally.” [as strangulation so often tends to do] Gellert’s wife subsequently fled the couple’s Apollo Beach home and went to a nearby sheriff’s office to report the incident. Investigators noted that the woman had been “taken to the ground by the arrestee [clearly employing the "ground & pound" method of spousal abuse] and suffered an abrasion to her knee and red marks on her neck.” [TSG]

Year One Trailer

The movie comes out June 19th, stars Jack Black and Michael Cera, is directed by Harold Ramis and produced by Judd Apatow. It better be good.

Nerd Alert

Trekkies are reaching higher and higher heights of ridiculously obsessive behaviour.

So, you went the entire 20th century without getting laid? Why stop there? Guarantee your virginity will last well into the 21st by building or purchasing your very own Captain Kirk bridge chair. It only costs $2,700 and you can save that much in less than a year with all the money you won't be spending on dates (you will have to cut down on how many times you see Watchmen and the new Star Trek movie, though). In between feeding your cats and polishing your Spock ashtray (you don't smoke. you keep various Star Wars pieces in it until you have the time to put the Millenium Falcon you got in the 4th grade back together) you can climb up in your chair, watch those old DVDs in the uniform you wore to the last Trekkie convention and dream of a world where guys like William Shatner get all the primo tail and make men quiver with fright with just one brooding glance.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Christ Cookie Cutters

That's cookie cutters, not cootchie cutters. I haven't worn those in years.

Anyhoo, just in time for Easter!
Now you can deliver a one-two guilt punch to yourself. One, you're eating sweets. Two, that sweet tasty cookie died for your sins! Everybody's happy!

You can buy them from German cookware supplier Tadenberg for about $20. If you were beaten by nuns or just have a crazy born again baker in the family, here is the link to buy:

Hockey Players Are Dicks

Sorry. I couldn't help myself.

Mom.....Where's the Puppy?

Sorry, son. I think the snake ate her.

Lesson for the day: If you live in Australia and there are pythons roaming freely, don't let your pet Maltese wander around the backyard alone. Unless, of course you have a pet mongoose as well.

Underwater Volcano Eruption

An underwater volcano erupted 6 miles off the coast of the South Pacific Island of Tonga. Pretty spectacular stuff. I hope that the people on the boat got their asses out of there in a hurry.

John Galliano Fall 2009

I completely forgot to post this! Love the laser snowfall and Gypsy Couture Russe. Complete video below.

Look Who Got Old

It's Charles Manson! Now if only he would drop dead already, instead of people who deserve to live. (see Natasha Richardson, below)

Spring Break Grandma Style

Woooo Hooooo!! You know you want it.

Christopher Walken's Twitter

I love me some Walken, especially the stuff with animals. He's a brother from another planet.

There's a kid on a Pogo stick in front of my house. It's nearly midnight so let's assume he's been drinking. This should end well for him. from web

The Pope is in Africa "reaffirming the ban on condom use." His old stuff was funnier. I don't get this new material. Too edgy for my taste. from web

Someone corrected my last post; said it's "frightened by" not "frightened of." Know what else I'm frightened of? Crazy people. from web

I claim to be frightened of horses but do so only to get out of attending parades. It's peculiar but has served me well. The horses get it. from web

I made a little pimp outfit and put it in the yard. The bluejay hasn't come back since. Some weird shit going on with the squirrels though. from web

A soldier on leave told me how much he admired me. Without really knowing me at all. We're alike that way. I hope to see him again too. from web

I'll probably mention Elimae once a month or so. I don't know these folks but they do fiction and poetry right: from web

I spent $40.00 on a bag of food for a dog that eats extension cords. That's still probably cheaper than a bag of extension cords I suppose. from web

A dog walked by wearing a frilly sweater. The neighbor kid laughed and said, "That's gay!" He meant the cardigan, I think. Not the dog. from web

I don't remember saying that the geese had eaten all of the kittens in Central Park. No matter. She's upset and the geese are very confused. from web

She said, "What if you really are you?" and that blew my mind. Okay, it didn't blow my mind. It feels like a good answer though. from web

There are many people here now. More than before. It seems undignified to talk about that though so I won't. Welcome, I think. from web

Our driver told the story of his childhood spirit animal - which was apparently a civet cat or seasoned marmot. I'm hungry for a pickle now. from web

Thank you, new follower, for the offer to let me keep my fingers in the event of a kidnapping. I hadn't given it much thought before today. from web

No. I'm not really Tina Fey. That was an odd question but I applaud its random nature. from web

An escalator in Grand Central Station is out-of-service. I stood on it for a minute or two in the name of subtle irony. No-one else did. from web

Someone commended me for being "approachable." Okay. The truth is that I'm easily distracted and don't notice people touching me right away. from web

I buy a bottle of Green Tea with ginseng nearly every day but I don't remember why. I don't like tea and can barely taste the ginseng. from web

A kid was just now crying about a leaking balloon. I told him it was going to pop eventually anyway. He said, "Shut up, mister!" Smart kid. from web

I posed for dozens of photos in California last week. I closed my eyes or made a face in nearly every one. Sorry. I amuse myself this way. from web

Roving Reporter Outtakes III and IV

Roving Reporter Outtakes II

"Bitch wasn't there!"

Roving Reporter Outtakes

It's from last summer, and it still cracks me up.

R.I.P. Natasha Richardson

1963- 2009

I really hate to be wrong, especially in this case. I thought that Jade Goody would be the next to go, I mean she's already laid up half conscious on a 24/7 morphine drip. But no, it had to be Natasha. Gorgeous, classy, talented and respected, plus married to Liam Neeson who I hear is packing very large. So sad. Can you imagine? You tumble down a bunny hill at a ski resort and die? My friends would never stop with the jokes, I could be 30 years in the grave and they'd still joke that it was my last 'blonde moment.'
Anyway, my heart goes out to her entire family, especially her kids and her mom. It has to be God awful to bury a child.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Extreme Sheep Herding

This is amazing. I totally thought it was fake at first. I think it's because the video is sped up in parts.
P.S. I hope you all didn't think that I was posting something kinky. I don't mind nudity but I am revolted by anything even remotely close to beastiality. It's a sure fire way to make me vomit. I probabaly shouldn't have said that because now my inbox is going to be full of the deviant crap.
Anyhoo, if you only watch one video today, make it this one.

Best Nihilistic Bumper Sticker Ever

If you ever see this on my (nonexistent) car, just hand me the pistol and I'll get it over quickly. Promise.

"Get in the Water!!"

Are you as tired as me of listening to all the assholes that attend PGA events and scream, "Get in the hole!" at the top of their lungs every single time someone tees off?
Then this will be refreshing to you:

Valentino, The Last Emperor Trailer

This is the fabulous Valentino documentary chronicling his methods, his madness, his lover Giancarlo Giammetti and his retirement (not to mention, his beloved six pugs). I cannot embed so here is the link.

Obama Nominates Dan Rooney as Ambassador to Ireland

Wow. I know that he raised a lot of money for President Obama and helped him take the state away from McCain but I had no idea he gave that much. Here are the life-long Republicans credentials, as I found them on Deadspin:

Dan Rooney is the recent recipient of the American Ireland Fund’s Lifetime Achievement Award and honorary Commander of the British Empire for contributions to peace and reconciliation in Northern Ireland, has played an integral role in the Irish peace process since the early 1970s. In 1976, Rooney co-founded the American Ireland Fund, an organization which to date has raised over $300 million for peace and education programs in Ireland. Rooney founded the annual prize for Irish Literature in 1987 and co-founded the Ireland Institution of Pittsburgh in 1989. In 1993, the “Rooney Fellowship” was created to honor his generosity and charitable works. Chairman of the Pittsburgh Steelers, the winners of Super Bowl XLIII, Rooney was inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 2000. He has been the recipient of various awards in relation to his work within the community and for his involvement with the National Football League over the last 26 years, including: the Sporting News NFL Executive of the Year in 1972 and 2001, the Maxwell Football Club Reds Bagwell Award in 1999, and, in 2008, the YWCA Racial Justice Award and the Ellis Island Medal of Honor presented by the National Ethnic Coalition. Rooney also led the sports world’s efforts to include diversity beyond the field and into the front office through the “Rooney Rule.”

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Happy St. Patrick's Day

Hope you enjoy this lovely day full of imbibing and singing old Irish shanties. Parnell's, the Irish pub around the corner, was already packed when my boyfriend passed by at 7:30 a.m. I'm not sure that I'll do any drinking today but I do like a wee bit of the mushrooms found growing in County Cock, I mean Cork! Stay safe, everybody!

The Stranded Irishman
One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over ten years, saw a speck on the horizon... He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship."
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft. Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"
"Ten years" replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter. He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years." Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there, removed a flask, and handed it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too?!?"
Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

Monday, March 16, 2009

Cougar Barbie

Thanks, paul.

New Grey Gardens HBO Trailer

Drew Barrymore nails the accent and Jessica Lange looks amazing as big Edie. The movie looks STAUNCH!! Eh, Reavis?

Ron Silver Dead at 62

He had throat cancer and I didn't even realize that he was sick! 62 is way too young. It's strange too, one of his roles (and my favorite) was lawyer Alan Dershowitz in that Claus von Bulow/Sunny von Bulow murder/courtroom drama "Reversal of Fortune," and Sunny just died less than 6 months ago after being in a coma for two decades.

He won a Tony for his role in "Speed the Plow" which he appeared in on Broadway with Madonna and was on "The West Wing" for years. One other thing that I did not know was that he switched from being a life-long liberal to a Bush supporting Independent after 9/11. He even stumped for the Iraq war and was very vocal about his dislike and contempt for Michael Moore.

He leaves behind a son, Adam and a Daughter, Alexandra.
One more thing; we all know that these things come in threes. My money is on Ed McMahon and Partick Swayze tying for third, Jade Goody for second. If you have a choice, leave it below. I'm allowing annonymous comments now, if the idea of leaving your name with a death guess makes you squeamish.