Thursday, November 5, 2009

Slideshow of One Of My Favorite Artists

Derek Hess.
Time to get those posters out of the attic, dontcha think, baby?

If It SMELLED Like Bacon, Then I Might Like It

Enjoli still smells like something a truck stop hooker would spray on to try to cover up her cigarette and meth B.O. before she goes down on Jeb in the cab of his Utility big rig. The only difference is that now instead of buying it from the perfume counter at Higbee's, you can get it in finer drugstores all across the country, as it should have been from the very beginning.

Forbidden Love

Cat falls for Chihuahua. Chihuahua does not return the favor. Date rape ensues. Struggle is one sided. Restraining orders are procurred.
This is some PePe Le Pew shit. Poor puppy.

The Droid Drops Tomorrow

My boyfriend is already in love, and he hasn't even met her yet.
It's the new Motorola phone, for you non-geeks out there who haven't already jizzed in their pants a million times over it. There are fewer apps than the iphone but everything else it has is cheaper and updated with all the latest google jazziness.
And if you guessed that I do not speek geek, you would be correct. When he gets home I'll ask him to help explain this thing so I don't sound like a beauty pageant contestant.

The Next Time That Stinky Homeless Guy Asks You For Money

Give him one of these.

Michael Musto As Palin On Countdown, You Betcha!

Not as funny as Tina Fey but still way more charisma and inner beauty than the real thing.

Too Big To Melt With A Lighter

Great costume idea.

Rhianna On Good Morning America

The full interview will air tomorrow but I'm glad that she finally spoke out about it. I'm also glad to hear that she realized that going back to him was not the right thing to do. She even says that she was embarrassed by the fact that this type of guy was someone that she fell in love with. Seems like she's been in therapy. How much you wanna bet that Jay-Z had a hand in that? Thank God for good mentoring.

Scientology Explained

A simple slideshow explains what loonies like Tom Cruise and Kirstie Allie believe, but is it really any worse than anything else? They all get to enjoy tax free status, unlike you and me. I need to create one of these religion thingymajiggies, stat.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

I've Been There

But now I limit myself to 27. It's called maturity.

Please Turn It Upside Down and Rename It The Daffy

Somebody over at reddit noticed that the Dodge Viper hood logo looks very peculiar when you turn it on it's head.

Judging by the assholes that I've seen driving these cars, Daffy would be an improvement. They are always the ones riding your ass on the freeway or cutting you off and taking your parking space. Every once in a while one of these jerks gets their due. Case in point-

Et Tu, Maine?

Everybody voted, the ballots are counted and a state that I thought was super liberal has overturned the gay marriage law. I guess I was wrong.

I am not a huge proponent of marriage, I think that civil unions are better for everyone, including straights, but why does fucking an entire part of our culture up the ass every few years seem to make some people (religious groups) so damn happy? I am not going to post the picture of them gleefully celebrating while gays and lesbians get their hearts broken. This is bad enough.

And New York? Bloomberg, for a THIRD time? Someone help me with this, it does not compute. Lawmakers like him changing the law to benefit only himself is beyond unacceptable, but you voted him back in on top of it! Blech!

Here in Ohio an issue allowing gambling finally passed, as did one changing county government to help rid us of some of the corruption that has been plaguing Cleveland for years now. I sure hope it works but I'm not holding my breath.

Remember last year? How excited and hopeful we all were because change was finally coming. Well, it looks like it is going to take a little longer than we thought it would.

The New V

We watched this last night and it was okay. Just okay. We'll give it a couple more weeks to see if the character development improves but other than that, where are the hot guys? Shows like this need hot guys! It's not just me, right? And that teenager doesn't count, it's not cool to mack on the underage, as Taylor Lautner has taught us. He turns 18 in February, by the way. Then all bets are off.

Battlestar Gallactica wrote the book on sci-fi TV show remakes (if you leave out the horribly disappointing ending) and this can't hold a candle to that. Maybe my standards are to high but you can't throw the whore from Serenity and the kid from Party of Five together and just expect it to be a hit. Meh.

On A Lighter Note...

Ha Ha, dumbass.

EMBED-Parading Fan High Kick Fail - Watch more free videos

He Likes His Women Dead

Dead girls don't put up a fight, they don't say no and you needn't take them out to dinner or worry about winning them over with your sparkling personality.

What you do need to worry about is where to hide those pesky bodies. Especially if you don't eat them like Jeffrey Dahlmer did. So, Anthony Sowell buried them in the back yard, left them to rot in the attic and wrapped their skulls in paper in the basement. That means that he lived in close proximity to the death he created on a constant basis. Maybe he liked it that way, I'm not sure that I want to know.

What will probaby happen is that people from his childhood will pop up and have things to say about their impressions of him, what he was like with girls and if he started out torturing animals. You have to take it with a grain of salt since some people will do anything for their five seconds on the evening news.

This is so depressing but isn't it fitting that the police caught him on Halloween? And just a few days before that he was up to his usual shit, getting a girl drunk in his house and attacking her with the intent to rape and kill. Thank God that one managed to get away.

The saddest part? All those families visiting the missing person's station that they set up down the street, hoping that one of the bodies is their missing loved one, just for some answers and maybe some closure.

By the way, we are up to ten bodies now. All this just a few miles from our home. Read the sex offender list from your neighborhood, people. There are plenty of sickos out there and they are not just in Ohio, though we do seem more adept than other states at creating them.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Clash of the Cretins

Do Philly and New York have the worst fans?
I can't answer for Philly but I did fear for my life at a Yankees game back in the early 90s. Then again, one of my favorite people in the world is a huge fan of the pinstripes and even worked for them so, yeah. I'm going to be wishy-washy on this one.
But what is with the orange and brown suits? I am not getting that part. Must be a Fall reference because I have worn my Steelers gear in Browns' stadium and only one drunk ass dude with beer fueled bravery said anything other than good humored insult banter. And then he saw my 6'4" brother and shut the hell up.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
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Interview With Ian McKellan

I love him for so many reasons. For Gandalf, for his hilarious hosting of SNL, for the fact that when he laughs he really laughs and you feel it. He is a genuine human being who can act but doesn't seem able to lie, if you know what I mean.
I had to giggle at the bit about the hotel bible. I stole one back in September and I'm trying to figure out which friend's bedside drawer it is going to randomly end up nestled in. The biggest sinner, more than likely. Damn. That is going to be a hard choice.

Details: Is it true that when you stay at hotels you tear out the Bible page that condemns homosexuality?
Ian McKellen: I do, absolutely. I'm not proudly defacing the book, but it's a choice between removing that page and throwing away the whole Bible. And I'm not really the first: I got delivered a package of 40 of those pages—Leviticus 18:22—that had been torn out by a married couple I know. They put them on a bit of string so that I could hang it up in the bathroom.

Details: So did you?
Ian McKellen: It is in the bathroom, yes, but it's too much of a curiosity to actually put to use.

Details: Does it trouble you that after becoming one of the great Shakespearean players you'll probably be remembered as the wizard from a CGI blockbuster?
Ian McKellen: I'm well aware that when I go, the London Evening Standard billboard is going to say GANDALF DIES. No, it's fine. Gandalf is a great character, and I ride on the back of his popularity, not the other way around. And you could say I've missed out on having kids but I've grandfathered so many children through the role.


Humping Angel Rhianna Wants You To 'Wait Your Turn'

I don't hate it.
I love the gathered shoulder/asymmetrically buttoned jacket. So 80s.

I Forgot How Funny Onion News Was

If I run over Glenn Beck, will I become a national hero? Would there be a Twunty McSlore Day complete with bank closings and keys to the city? Actually, I'd settle for a Target gift card and a dozen Einstein Asiago cheese bagels.

Victim In Fatal Car Accident Tragically Not Glenn Beck

Congratulate Your Queen

Her name is Haruna Ai and she is a 37 year old transgendered person from Japan. The Miss Queen contest was held in Thailand which is so perfect since they are amazingly tolerant of all sexes there (and all sex if a friend of mine is to be believed).

Millions watched the pageant on television and girlfriend won $10,ooo, a years stay at a Pattaya hotel and a $500 surgery voucher. What will that cover, one ball?

She is pretty damn gorgeous, you have to admit. Makes me look like a damn cow. I'll be in front of the fridge if you need me.

Oooooo, Chrissy! That's Fabulous

Fall is slowly easing into Winter now that Halloween is over, and I hate it. I'm one of those people who lives for sunlight and hates the darkness. I'll start to get insomnia in about two months and begin haunting the heated tees in anticipation of better weather, all the while trying to pretend that I'm not getting crabbier and crabbier (and fucking fuck, the PMS excuse only works for a week each month).
What does any of this have to do with "Lipstick?' It reminds me of the late 80s and modeling in the fall and winter in freaking bathing suits, David Lachapelle making me stare into the sun over a grate on 6th Avenue. Those were the cold days where I was so insanely busy that I didn't even notice the weather. I need to get back to that. Anybody need a 40 something model to sell their golf clubs or hormone replacement therapy alternatives? I've already done a wrinkle filler ad, so it's no big stretch for me. FUCK! Getting older sucks.