Real housewives of New York City Recap: Bumbling Blundering Artless Wonders

Here we go again! I'm exhausted just thinking about it. Much has changed except for the bile that rises in my throat whenever Jill shows up. I cannot stand that woman. I can honestly say that there isn't one person on any of these shows that pisses me off more, and why is she back anyway? It sure isn't to redeem herself because she's the same exact bitch as last year, perhaps even more unapologetic, if that's even possible!

Let's get reacquainted, shall we?

Caption The Housewife, Boo Hoo Skidoo Edition

By now you have heard that DC was cancelled, due in no small part by Bravo not wanting to worry about lawsuits every time someone called them party crashers. The entire series was a freaking bore anyway, so good riddance!

A Real Working Dog

As opposed to the one in the post below.
What? You didn't want me to leave her at the top of the posts, did you?

I need this dog BAD.

Squeef Kook-Churr

This is a joke, right? The Zarinmonster wore this bustier on WWHL last night after tweeting a picture of herself in it and asking the fans if she should wear it. Wow, her fans must hate her, if she was even listening to them. As usual, it was all about the sale, as it's from her line of Spanx rip-offs. I bet Bethenny could rock the shit out of it. Jill, not so much. She looks like she's about to star in bad middle aged Medieval Porn. 

GROSS

TGIF With The Hesher

I have no idea what that's about, none.
And some Reichen Lehmkuhl peen after the jump. NSFW times shaved balls! I warned you..

Caption The Housewife, I Scream Edition

Real Housewives of Late Night

Yay, there's a new one! Of course there had to be, with New York premiering last night.

Spring Came To Cleveland

And other than skipping around and randomly squeazing my dogs, I am happy as a clam. It is gorgeous today. I am playing music that make me think of this time of year and dancing like a goof. What songs put you in a Spring mood?




And here's the bee girl all grown up.

OOPS, Winter Is Gone, Oh My

Spring is for new life. Spring makes me h***y.

Grampires

When Harry Met Sally 2 with Billy Crystal & Helen Mirren from Billy Crystal

Caption The Housewife, Wonder Dog Edition

The big premiere of RHoNY is tonight FINALLY. Are you excited, or are you preparing to be disappointed like we were with Miami and Orange County? I am. I'm also preparing myself for the preposterous excuses that are sure to come out of The Zarinmonster's mouth.

Gandalf Is Gay

Shadowfax knew, why didn't you?

The New Trailer For Crazy Stupid Love

Ryan Gosling, SWOON.

Real Housewives of Miami Update

Last night was the live reunion. 
It sucked. Instead of wasting any of your time on it, go friend the fake Elsa on Facebook and stick it to the Miss Nobodies!

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Elsa-Patton-is-a-Rock-Star-Fan-Page/101292676622832

Westboro Church Assholes

I don't know if I can properly articulate the hate I have for this group. It's on a basic human level, this hate. If you don't feel it too, I probably don't want to know you.


There, I articulated it!

Caption The Housewife, God Hates Us All Edition

That isn't just the title of a Slayer song, it's how I feel looking at this picture of Heidi Montag with Dunyelle. What the fuck, you might be asking? Well, The Daily Fail says that they are shooting a reality show with one of those Bachelor guys. I am more inclined to believe that Spencer is following them around with a Flip camera and editing the footage on his computer, or he made it up so he could make a few bucks off the tabloid pictures. Does anyone care anymore? No? YAY!

Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: Jockeying For Position

Like in any good horse race, the fillies of Orange County are sizing each other up and trying to maintain whatever position they have while keeping from falling on their faces and having to be shot. It is not pretty. Actually, it's downright UGLY, just like Tamra's wedding dress, and with boxes just as hideous, I presume.

Let's head out to the track and try not to fall asleep on our mares!

The Most Mundane of Tasks

Jon Hamm has a really cute dog...

Caption The Bravolebrity, Ghost In The Surf Edition

Today we have yet another beach picture, only with a lot less tan and cellulite. Kathy looks amazing, right? Isn't she 50 years old? An inspiration, people, in more ways than one. LOVE her.

Ka-Boom

It had to happen sooner or later. It's just the law of physics. 
Last night Maks's thigh gave out as he was hoisting Kirstie Allie into the air as Somewhere Over The Rainbow played in the background. There is a God.
I know I'm a bad person. We established that a long time ago. I laughed and laughed, not just at Maksim & Kirstie, but at the entire concept of dancing to a traumatic moment in your life, I mean who's going to beat Petra and her Tsunami ordeal? You'd have to book beat-up Rhianna or Jennifer Hudson and her 3 dead relatives story.
I sure hope Kirstie sprung for some pie and ice cream after the show, you know, for insurance. Next time Maks may not drop her on her ass. 

Miley Sex Doll

Ew, just EWWW! 

I realize that she's legal now but you know that isn't the angle they're using to sell this doll. Pedophiles must be rejoicing over the 3, count 'em THREE, achey breakey holes! Okay, they don't use the break part because that would be too obvious, but the implied meaning is cherry poppin' and we all know it. 

After the gun show I attended this weekend, Let me just say that there is no shortage of white trash rednecks that will buy this. Oh, Lord. I need to move to Greenland.

Wining And Dining While Pregnant

I took a break today and wandered around the internet where I found this picture of Kate Hudson enjoying a glass of wine in Argentina while pregnant. I've never had kids so I've never had this conversation with an OBGYN, but some of you have taken that leap and I wondered what your thoughts were. My only experience with it was serving a lady in her ninth month and she assured me that her doctor was fine with it. Why not let the baby enter the world with a wee buzz on, you know? Knock out some of the trauma, which in some cases (Rapey Eyes) leaves you scarred for life. 

As long as it isn't Kitty Dukakis style drinking and you aren't reliving The Lost Weekend, I'm pretty sure your kid isn't going to come out missing half a spinal chord or with the brain power of a Tamra.

Map Of Penis Sizes

Are you single? Do you finally have enough money for that trip to a far away land that you've been planning for months, perhaps even years? Well, before you book it, make sure you get your facts straight and your peen priorities in order.
http://www.targetmap.com/viewer.aspx?reportId=3073

Hello, Congo and Ecuador! No thanks, India. Yikes.
Thanks, Alan!

Richie Jackson, Insanely Good Skateboarder

Who hasn't had a crush on a skate punk? Now, a skating hippie? I think my mind's been blown.

More amazing-ness after the jump.

Caption The Housewife, A Day At The Bitch Edition

Oh my.

He Takes A Licking And Keeps On Ticking

Kid gets hit in the head with a soccer ball and doesn't bitch an moan about it. Unbelievable!

Friday With Colbert & Friends

Thanks, Paul!

Liz Taylor Nude

Say it isn't so! 
Oh, who am I kidding? Who doesn't love to see naked celebrities?
Picture taken by Roddy McDowell as a present for Michael Wilding when Liz was 24. 

Caption The Housewife, The Horsey Set Edition

For the life of me I cannot remember LuLu's boyfriend's name. He's French and since all French guys are named Phillipe, I'm going to go with that.