Friday, January 2, 2009

Jett Travolta Dies

There have been quite a few deaths during the holiday season, most of them older like Eartha Kitt. You don't expect a kid to die of a seizure and hit his head on a tub. That sucks. Sadness for the Travolta family. R.I.P.
I don't know all the details and don't want to speculate but correct me if I'm wrong. Don't Scientologists ignore modern medicine the same way that Christian Scientists do? If they knew there was a medical issue with their son and did nothing, then aren't they to blame for doing nothing to help him and possibly prevent this? It would be such a shame to have a child with health issues and do nothing about it. I hope that I'm wrong.

Red Wings Beat Blackawks 6-3

The best thing about this game was that it was high scoring and I watched it in HD. Last years was better on so many levels, more snow, a spectacular ending, the death defying blizzard we drove through on the way home, and there were Blackhawk helicopters insted of F-18s for the fly-over.
And the Penguins lost, AGAIN!

Thursday, January 1, 2009

What a Releif

Time Warner Cable and Viacom came to an eleventh hour agreement on a rate increase so now we can all keep enjoying our Comedy Central, MTV, VH1, Nickolodian, etc. Too bad that Time Warner didn't just drop the "music" channels. It's all reality tv except for the AC/DC concert I caught on VH1 Classic months ago. I haven't seen a music video on my television since Bill Clinton was president and our economy was healthy. It's all about the Youtube, baby.

You So Funny, Charlie

If you haven't already heard, Charles Barkley was arrested on suspicion of DUI last night. That's not what's funny. We all know that drinking and driving is bad, he could have killed somebody, he should have gotten a cab, blah blah blah. The funny part is that he was pulled over after partying with Urkel (Jaleel White) and told the officer that he ran a stop sign because he was in a hurry to get oral sex from some chick (he's married) who gave him the best BJ of his life. So, they take him down to the station where he tells the officer that he'll tattoo his name on their ass if they let him go. He then giggle and changes the offer to tattooing their name on his ass.

Wow. Happy New Year, Mrs. Barkley. You must be so proud.

Do You Kiss Your Mom with that Mouth?

Kathy Griffin doesn't disappoint. Here she is using the D word on CNN last night.

Start Your New Year With Ovechkin

Alexander Ovechkin had an amazing goal against the Sabres on Monday and here it is.

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

For All of You Who Cannot Dance

Live and learn, children.

I Want to Say

Happy New Year, everybody! Love you all and thank you for reading my blog and being all-around wonderful people. I hope that this year brings you love, prosperity and fun shit that you will share with me. I know that I am luckier than most, I am happy, healthy and am surrounded by great friends and family. There are so many crappy things going on right now but I choose to remain positive and I hope that I bring a smile to your face on a regular basis. I couldn't have done it without you.

Thanks to Billy, who made me start this blog in the first place. Thanks to everyone on the internet who provide me with my material. Thanks to Chilean wines, you make life worth living, and thanks to Rock. I love you more than you will ever know. I got lucky that day you found me on Myspace. Who knew? I just wish that everyone could be as lucky as me right now. Kisses!

Ice Bowl, Dammit!!

We went to the Sabers/Penguins Winter Classic last New Years and it was amazing. Snowed the whole time, the Blackhawk helicopters went over our heads and the Pens won on a Sidney Crosby shoot-out goal. Couldn't have asked for more except maybe that the people in front of us could have been less drunk and more dead. At least vomit wasn't involved.

So all you lucky bastards that have tickets to tomorrow's game, F**K YOU! Enjoy it. I will be watching from the comfort of my bed all snuggly with the puppies and some hair-of-the-dog wine, so freeze your asses off, bitches!

Who am I kidding. I wish I was there. Boo effing hoo.

Missing Manchester Tennessee

It is 25 degrees here in Cleveland and I am trying to channel the heat of Bonnaroo last June. We were sweating our asses off and the only thing that made it bearable was the copious amounts of beer and wine we consumed. If you haven't gotten your tickets for next year, do it now! We got the early $200 ones and they were gone within a few days. Hopefully there won't be any Kanye style fiasco this year. And for any newbies out there, it is the only time it is okay to wear Crocs. God will forgive you since you have to walk miles through dust and mud and spray your feet down every half hour.
And no, that is not your imagination. That purple guy in the photo above made his outfit out of Crown Royal bags. Love at first sight. We haven't set a date yet for the nuptuals, but I guarantee it will be whiskeylicious.

This is Why I Love Ricky Gervais

His Christmas blog entry:

Only 351 days till Xmas. Am I getting old, or was Xmas TV the biggest load of shit ever? Obviously TV in general is awful but there was nothing I wanted to watch. (except TV Burp) When will TV, Film and Comedy stop pandering to the brain-dead masses? Still, that's the way of the world. I suppose that's why excellence shines. Back in London after spending a couple of days with the folks being attacked by cats, dogs and children. It was like stepping out of the car in a safari park. And so that was Xmas. January kicks off the same way as last year for me with The Golden Globes in L.A. I didn't actually go last year as the writers strike meant there was no posh ceremony. Still won though. Still won. I missed the British Comedy Awards too. Shame. It would have been nice to be in a room with a load of of bitter drunks who were less famous than the presenters. Talking of which. Here is a compilation of me winning and rubbing salt in the wound. And insulting a little disabled fella. Oh, and if anyone thinks I'm going to rethink my act in the present "watch what you say" climate, they've got another fucking puff rapist cunt Jesus tits aids cock-sucking think coming. Happy New Year.

Your Daily Douche

(I have to watch this)

I Want a Bloody Smiley Face

More Watchmen stuff. Let's hope that Fox doesn't ruin the fun for the rest of us. They are still trying to block the release of the film and a judge will be hearing the case on January 20th.

Watchmen Exclusive

It's Going to be a Great Day

Good morning everybody! Let's start our day with some Kathy Griffin on Larry King Live talking about everyone's favorite newsboy, Anderson Cooper Dreamboat. Kathy and Cutie Pie are covering New Years in Times Square again which means that we'll get to watch Kathy say suggestive things to Andy, and we'll get to hear that goofy Cooper giggle. Seriously, I don't care if he's gay or straight, he needs to make some silver haired babies with somebody. Namely, me.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Christmas Takes Its Toll

Daniel Craig eating Ruffles potato chips. Look! He has a little holiday belly! How cute! Mine is not so cute. Mine is approximately ten times the size of that, filled with pretzels, chocolate, pork roast, deep fried tortillas and Hooters' wings. No lie. Please pray for me as I begin to suffer by eating salad, steamed fish and veggies so that I can fit into something other than holey sweatpants. Yay. Diets. And people like Madonna eat like this every day voluntarily? Assholes. Yes, that's right. Today everyone is an asshole.

Is It Retarded?

Bristol Palin popped her kid out yesterday, a little boy that they named Tripp. You heard right, the idiots named him Tripp. Only one of two things could possibly make you name your newborn baby Tripp. Either it's an homage to Levi Johnston's mother's career path or they're big fans of cheap East Village bondage clothing. Assholes.