Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: The Turd Cage

I hate to admit to understanding why anyone would cheat on their spouse since I know it is such a touchy subject for most people, but I simply must make an exception. Let's look at some of the facts- Kelsey's a thespian who has made a living playing brilliant characters. Characters so smart that they use ten dollar words like they came out of the womb reading Shakespeare. Cameel can't even use 'pernicious' properly! Oh, and then there's the tiny little fact that she's using her own husband's status as a weapon against other people. Now, THAT'S pernicious behaviour.

Let the evisceration begin, and if she can spell that, I'll watch every episode of Millionaire matchmaker back to back(Hey, Patti, call her! she's single!).

Please tell me she can't spell that.

We begin right where we left off, at the dinner table of a crackpot, her consort, and everyone else trying to make sense of it all. Why bother? We are speaking of a woman who considers 'yes men' friends and real women as the enemy. That, my dear reader, is pathological, and has been the downfall of many a person in high places, even if they highjacked someone else to get there, and make no mistake Camille. Your lofty perch has absolutely nothing to do with you or any imagined talent you might have.

And giving Kelsey lap dances without pooping on him doesn't count as an actual 'talent.'

She's still insisting that her inner voices came out of Kyle's mouth since she "doesn't lie." She is not a fucking liar, people! No, says Kyle, but you sure do hallucinate plenty. Maybe she should lay off the Dulcolax for a while. Her brains seem to slipping out of her ass along with everything she eats.

She goes on and on with her imaginings, telling Kyle to just keep on insulting her, keep it going, egging Kyle on like a lunch room bully, knowing that Kyle's emotionalism will get the best of her. But, BUT, much to her surprise, I'm sure, Camille comes out looking like the asshole.  Her hubris knows no bounds as I sit in utter awe of her inability to relate to anyone at the table. Then, ding! A light bulb goes on in my head, as I realize what she thinks she is accomplishing here, and it ain't pretty.

This girl is competitive in one thing and one thing only because she is only good at one thing- getting male attention. Kyle is a threat because she has it naturally and she also has a super hot husband that Cameel no doubt lusts over. Kyle's cute and funny and gets attention by being bubbly and happy in her own skin. She is everything Camille is not, and let's not forget. Some women are like hyenas and have to be alone at the top of the pack. They will do what they can to get rid of the biggest threat, even fight.

I was feeling really bad for Kyle and it just kept getting worse. First off, Lisa isn't used to this kind of tacky behaviour so she tries to get to the bottom of it, which does not work. Her British sense of fairness and decorum is thwarted at every turn.

Yes, but you look like Angelina Jolie at 50. Camille will be lucky to resemble Angelyne.

Secondly, Kim doesn't come to Kyle's aid AT ALL, even though she is the only one who heard exactly what was said. She acts like she's confused and unsure of what is happening.

Let's see. I was on Witch Mountain, then Ponch was there, I did a movie of the week and before I knew it I had four kids. What?

Spineless! Gee, is everyone in competition with Kyle? Stretch undermined the truce, Camille attacked her and Kim goes mute when asked to do the simplest thing! Then she interviews that she knows that Kyle never said that. Then why didn't you back her up at the table? Were you afraid of Cameel and her crazy cackle of figmental superiority, or did ya kinda enjoy someone sticking it to her, huh? Yeah, I thought so.

I'm sorry, but if someone attacks your sibling like that, you better have a damn good reason for not defending them, and the only one I can think of would be if they were wrong. Not the case.

And she's not the only one who deserves to be taken out back and thrashed with a bull whip. Add Stretch to the mix, along with her phony baloney 'Holy Cow' expressions.

Hold up a sec. There's a hook stuck again. I told you we shouldn't have gone to a sushi joint!

Cameel asks for anyone at the table that called her insecure to fess up. Kim admits it, and then she points to Stretch, and her hotdog hallway mouth just gets wider and wider as she refuses to admit to anything. All she can say with any aw shucks certainty is that Kim ASKED her if she thought Cam was insecure. 

Yes, she did, We saw it and you said YES. It's on film, you fool. I'd love to know how you explained that little fact to IBAssy later, two face.

Even Lisa gets suspicion thrown her way. I have to assume that they were all so flabbergasted by Camillle's outrageous behaviour that nobody thought to call her out on it, or change the subject and ignore her. It could only be out of deference to the fact that she's their hostess. She kinda has them by the balls as far as that goes, which makes her an even bigger jerk in my book.

Ick. I'm so over that stupid fight. It ended with Camille leaving everyone to sort the mess out on their own. Then she called Lisa Machiavelle-ick for putting the word insecure in Stretch's mouth. Or was it Machiavell-ack? 

Those big words! They're so hard to pronounce!

It's Machiavellian, you idiot, and as much as I doubt she's ever read The Prince, it's description of power gained through a lack of moral compass does suit her.

Depends justify the means

Don't you love it when stupid people try to seem smart? It never fails to crack me up. It's so cute, like when toddlers try to help mommy and end up putting their pull-ups on backwards because mommy was blowing the ping-pong pro and KELSEY WASN'T THERE. Tee hee!

Back to the bull, and boy is Stretch full of it. Kim says to her, point blank, "You did say Camille was insecure," and her response is that she has no knowledge of the fight between Kyle and old poopy pants. That's not what she asked you, Blowpop, and as far as going Oklahoma on Kim's ass, what does that mean? Are you threatening her with severe weather, or are you going to throw a bible at her? Last I heard the only fighting in Oklahoma was between two old timers debating whether Okie was a slur or not.

She could always elbow her to death. Those look pretty deadly.

Poor Kyle starts crying. I'm sure she felt attacked, not something you expect from a 44 year old woman. 

Tear gas farts?? haven't I suffered enough?

I do feel sorry for her. How do you defend yourself from a lie, especially when the person throwing it in your face is committed to it 100%. For one, you don't get upset but it's too late for that. She'll just have to resort to locking her out of bathrooms and dropping whoopie cushions on her chairs, an idea I wholeheartedly endorse.

I cringed when Kim said that she let Camille make her look stupid. Then she told her what she did wrong in the argument, making things even worse. Kyle asks her to leave her alone but Kimmie the Shut-In can't resist one more dig, telling her that she needed to stay in her place, whatever that means. And will someone please dole out some slaps? To Kim for being the worst sister since that Van Tassel bitch in Sleepy Hollow, and to Stretch for all her 'who me, holy cow!' faces of wide mouthed fake innocence.

Bravo, Bravo. Turning healthy people into basket cases since 2006.

I was so relieved when Lisa dragged her out of there. How much can one person take? I think we should all raise our glasses to Kyle and make a toast to the big laugh she has to be enjoying now that Cameel's prestigious life of pomp and perfection has fallen on it's over-botoxed ass. Hey, can you botox your ass? Maybe Cameel should look into that before she goes back to her days of out-calls and anal. 

You know what else is sad? How little we've seen of Ad lately. It must suck to agree to be on a show and then a relative dies. By the time the cameras rejoin her, she's had enough space to grieve and it's back to bickering with Paul. It's like he can't do anything with his fingers unless there's saggy eyelids or boobies involved.

If you flash me, this'll go a lot faster

He fusses with the clasp and then her hair as she grows weary of his "diddle daddling." He moves his fussiness over to the thermostat and lo and behold, a thing of beauty enters the frame just as he exits it. I give you Ad's wedding dress hanging on the wall in a freaking frame! I wonder if Cameel did that with hers?

No point unless the cleaners got the skid marks out.

Ad and Paul agree that they bicker a lot. I don't do that, or I should say WE don't. I hate it. It reminds me of being a kid with four siblings, all of which had to be right all the time. It can drive a person crazy, especially when you have the sneaking suspicion that someone (Paul) is doing it on purpose for attention. And will someone please tell me why his watch case rotates? The first thing I thought of was that it was to keep him from wearing anything too expensive if he left the house drunk., and why are half of them missing?

Please tell me you don't live next to Charlie Sheen.

Wait. Lock up your cars too. Didn't he also have his SUV end up in a ravine? Help me out here. When it comes to that lunatic I can't keep track and who can? That man picks more cocaine out of his nose hairs than gets snorted by The Situation and Vinny combined. 

Somehow the Maloof-Nassif's managed to get to church without Paul getting castrated or any of the kids getting kicked. Those twins sure do whine, though. Time to invest some of that lower-tier basketball money in a decent paddle. Is four too young for boot camp?

Blech. This is the week of disappointments. It's the next morning and Lisa is with Kyle in the back of a limo discussing how little sleep they got. Between jet lag and listening to that snooty hag Cameel, it's a wonder they aren't still in bed. It's all about the retail therapy, baby. But first they share a joke when Lisa says she feels like she's been dragged through a hedge backwards and Kyle thought she said "shagged." Titter, titter, yuck, yuck! Nothing like a little naughty humor to make the day better.

Please, Lisa probably just gave her an idea.

Talk turns to that evening, with Kyle not wanting to go and Lisa insisting that she be the better person and put on a front until they can sort it out in L.A. Well, that's never going to happen but it sure is nice to see you two having so much fun!

Bloody 'ell. I should've stayed home and walked Ken, I mean Giggy, all week-END.

They arrive at the fancy atelier of designer Christina Makowsky and Lisa's all giddy to be wearing clothing that is one of a kind. To my eye it's all white and taupe and boring. Good heavens, once again, how are they keeping their eyes open. 

I love you, Lisa, but THIS DRESS. This dress looks like something a lady of a certain age might wear to her third wedding, not to a Broadway premiere. Now, if you told me you were wearing it to the funeral of a certain Broadway betrothed poopy pants

Why, then I love it!

I do love the shoes. Shocker, I know. They look like Louboutin skinned a python and painted them silver.

Sadly, not referring to IB Assy

Kyle finds a white lace number that looks like someone took a corset and glued a bunch of blanched starfish on it. It looks good on her, though. She's all excited and animated and now she want to go to the show! Why, she's even practicing her big entrance!

Hi Camille! Need toilet paper?

At least, unlike Cameel, you can wear white. Ugh. that reminded me of all those period commercials I watched in the 70s where only the tampon users could wear white. There would always be some lonely teenager sitting on the beach all covered up, maxi-padded and sad, unable to go in the water.

Here's the grown-up rich lady version.

Kyle IS the bigger person, by the way. She called Cameel and left her a pleasant message asking if she wanted her to come to the opening or not. She asks her to text or call back. Gee, I hope her phone handler tells her to return the call before it's too late. Twat.

All this negativity is bringing me down. Only one thing can save me- Giggy! 

Giggy the Pom is with Daddy for the weekend and they frolic along the rolling lawns and tend to the VanDerTodd menagerie of pets. A turtle gets rescued from certain chlorine death and as sweet as that is, what we are truly witnessing

is the death of this man's balls

He talks about what a wild child he was when he was playing soccer and partying with footballers and WAGs and all of the associated mood enhancing substances that accompanied it. Young Ken wasn't a bad looking chap and I'm trying to think of who he resembles here:

Why, 'tis the fifth Bea-ull, Jolly Rodger the Cuckold!

Leeeza saved him from all the glamourous self destruction, and he seems a bit lost with her off in New York. Poor thing. He isn't even allowed to touch the refrigerator. Gosh, that's a bit controlling, no? Oh well, they were quite the handsome couple in their youth, back when Lisa tamed her lion, and they sure are generous with the family photos. We see new ones practically every week!

Smile for the cam'ra, dahling. You're about to become one of my dogs.

I have a friend who says that she can smell when people are sick, or alcoholic. She picks up on subtle chemical changes in people because God gave her extra nose pores or something. Man, could I use her help now.

Can you smell brain damage too?

IBAssy is with her REAL friends getting her hair and make-up done. Real friends. That's a laugh. I'm pretty sure that if you shit down someone's throat on a regular basis and they call it filet mignon, they aren't your real friend. Real friends call you out on your bullshit. They do not encourage it.

A sweet little formerly gay bashed southerner named Joe is doing her make-up and DD (not to be confused with the cup size) is earning her supper by doing Cameel's lank over processed hair. This entire scene can be added to the trash heap of phony stagy-ness along with anything Sheree does or anything that comes out of Tamra's mouth, only these are professionals, masters of their craft.

Is there a union for Suck-Up Artists?

Camille is like Sheree in another way. They both speak in that halting and faltering cadence that pops up whenever they are trying to sound smart. They trip over sentence structure like it's unfamiliar territory and then we get these beauties of mispronounced brilliance and horrifying proclamations, like the fact that she's a survivor just like dear Joey. 

Gee, was she gay bashed? Did she fear for her safety just walking down the street? What is she referring to, the fact that she made it through her 30% more stressful vacation full of not playing with the fruit of someone else's womb and not lifting a finger except to wipe her own ass? No, she must be referring to the fact that she made it out of the terrifying world of GoGo dancing in New York. Gosh, give this woman a Purple Heart!

 She's already got the brown eye.

Not to be outdone, DD chimes in with how she can't leave Camille alone for an hour without bitches gettin' all jealous and shit and messing with her meal ticket. That's right, DD. Keep it up with maintaining that job security.

There isn't a big demand for people that can only do one hairstyle.

Doesn't she look like she got a face lift? I wonder if Camille paid for that but still refused to give her boobs. Whatever, it's still 30% more than anyone else would have done.

If that wasn't bad enough, Camille plays Kyle's voice message to them, breaking into JZ territory. I am starting to think that old ass-squirts is some kind of amalgamation of all the worst housewives. She's the Bravo Uber-Turd come to destroy us all!

Okay. I listened to that message several times and nowhere did Kyle apologise. We all know how sharp Cameel's hearing is, so is it any surprise when she claims she did? That's her excuse for letting her come to Kelsey's cross dressing play. I think she wants her there so she can see her squirm. 

Did you ever notice how the biggest bitches on these shows use the word 'inappropriate' a lot? Like loony bird Leather, or delusional LuLu. Well, i'm throwing Cameel in with those gals, too. She goes on to say that Kyle has a thing for her, a crush. 

I'm sorry, honey. the only person that has a crush on you, is YOU.

Excuse me while I take a break. WHOA, Nelly. I hurt my stomach muscles on that one! She's a comedienne, folks! Book her at the Improv. I hear they've got a serious laugh shortage out there. And if she sucks, put her on TV. Can't be any worse than most of the crap I've seen lately.

She truly is the gift that keeps on giving, as I think Bob said last week in one of the threads. It never ends, and it's okay with me as long as Kyle can move past this. She's going to have to make sure that she does the one thing you must always do with malignant narcissists, right everybody? Let's say it all together- NEVER BE ALONE WITH THEM. They will twist your words and make you pay for being better than they are. Sad, really. The upside is that I read somewhere that they get early onset irrelevance. Yay!

It's lunchtime with the other bitches and Holy Chuck Wagon, Stretch looks like she done fell in a prairie pastry with all the fixins, she's still so hog tied over the hornet's nest she done stirred up! Just take a looky look at her pie hole!

Shucks! Giddy up and call me a lilly livered nosy parker, somebody fix this mess a'fore ah gits nailed to the counter agin!

Jerk. What a shitty actress and an even shittier excuse for a housewife. 

I have a confession to make. I've been feeling this distaste since long before the show even aired. I saw her interviewed at some pre-party and she struck me as a huge phony. She got asked about the show and spewed all that "watch what happens!" boring bullshit. I dunno. Maybe I was just too mesmerized by the slugs she has glued to her beak to pay that much attention.

No one is speaking to Kim and Lisa jokes about needing a boxing ring instead of a table. So, yay. Another cheerful meal. 

it turns out that the previous day was Kyle and Kim's dead mother's birthday, she of the fascination with the letter 'K' and unevenly gifted DNA. In honor of this stage mom bar-none, Kimmie has created a joorey line, and gifts the stewing Kyle with the first bracelet. It's gorgeous.

Wha, wha, what fight?

In the Twunty world all would be forgiven. I'd smack the bitch, rue the day I ever agreed to be on a show with her and then send her packing back to her life of child obsessing and place set collecting. 

Did you see that? All the ladies have a Cribs style video extra and I watched Kimmie's after the others. Ad shows off her Faberge Eggs, Lisa shows off her everything, 

and Kimmie shows off her bowl.

They really don't have to try very hard to make her seem pathetic. Hell, next to these gals, half the Fortune 500 seem pathetic. But I digress! Let's get back to what a jerk Stretch is!

Kim gives everyone a bracelet, even Grouper Gills. So, what does the charmer say in interviews? She called it a peace offering that had no meaning because it didn't come with an apology. Bitch, number one- YOU are the one that swore at her for rightfully calling you out for what you said at the airport, you snake in the grass! Two- You owe HER an apology for lying about what you said. Three- FREE JOOREY!!! Where are your priorities? Gah!

However, Kim does owe an apology to her sister. Kyle doesn't get one and she stews and stews. Instead, she talks to Lisa about going to the premiere since she doesn't want to put the last nail in the coffin of her friendship with Cameel. Finally, Kim pipes up with what Kyle actually said. It was, very simply, "Kelsey isn't going to be there?" and no doubt it was a reflection of how Kyle would feel to spend Easter without HER husband and had nothing to do with Cameel's glaring lack of anything remotely resembling a personality.

When asked why she never brought it up the night before, Kim says that she couldn't get a word in edgewise, a blatant lie since she was asked point blank what was said. She looks confused and I start to wonder what Bravo is slipping into the Champagne these days that is making all these women into Leonard from Momento.

Maybe you should tattoo it on your forehead next time.

She looks like a very confused Ellen Barkin in the photo above, and I'm trying to figure it out if she sounds so stupid because she's just used to arguing with Kyle over everything, or if she truly is socially retarded. Either way, she says that SHE doesn't want to go to the opening anymore, just like the pouty overgrown child she is. God, I hope she's in therapy.

They head back to the hotel to get ready for the play and Kyle gets a text from Cameel. It said 'Sure, you can come! I'm gonna spend the whole night farting in your direction, but come! Enjoy!' or something to that effect.

Meanwhile, in the Okie Corrall, Stretch is leaving a message for Ad. It starts out simple enough with the faux sincere sympathy for her loss, but then wastes no time moving into the, "I don't wanna bother you while you're grieving but, boy do I have some drama you! But don't worry about that now, buh-bye." Nice. Way to leave Ad hanging and wondering what the heck went wrong.

Aw, fuck. I forgot to remind them to pack air freshener.

Stretch is an asshole who wants to be in charge of spin doctoring all the gossip. She's the Kim G. of the show, just like one of you bitches said. The producers need to replace her with one of Lisa's dogs. They're way cuter.

Paul laughs at Stretch's message and then he and Ad bicker over the sorry fact that he went out to dinner with the husbands instead of accompanying his wife to her mom's. Bicker, bicker, bicker. Just when I think that he didn't learn a damn thing from Mauricio! about letting your wife be right, he apologises. All it took was a carefully worded, "what if the situation were reversed and it was YOUR uncle?" from Ad. 

My Uncle? Where do you think I got the extra parts for your face?

I keed! You know I think she's lovely, and that isn't the end of the husbands this week. There's an entire block of them. First up is Daddy Russell and camera-shy Kennedy. She isn't nearly as suicidal when her mother isn't around. Strange, dat. She's still hiding, though.

Can I come out now, Daddy? I can't smell vomit and diet pills anymore so she must be gone.

Russell asks her what she wants for dinner, standing in front of the refrigerator with a doting, yet goofy grin on his face.

Mommy's not home, we can eat actual food for a change, yippee!

He ends up making her a plate of cherry tomatoes, carrots and sauceless ravioli, and Kennedy tells him that she's had better. He teases her about hurting his feelings, and she laughs!

Aw, I love you daddy. Can we get rid of the fossilized fish lady now?

I bet that those nasty old fish bones make for a not-so-pleasant mommy. I am willing to go out on a limb and guess that the kind of woman that buys herself Barbie necklaces on her daughter's birthday also treats her child like a burden (when she's not a showpiece). Doesn't sound like much fun, does it? Kennedy practically looks like she's on holiday without her around. Sad.

Not to worry! Mauricio! is here to make everything better! Wasn't it just last week when I was begging for a shirtless episode? Ask and ye shall receive! Thanksgiving is right around the corner and I am starting early

What I wouldn't do to trade places with a baby right now.

I bet her diapers are cleaner than Camille's.

He's on pool duty with the girls and Kyle interviews that he's not only a great father, but hot too. No arguments here. I do have a question, though. How are those girls ever going to find a man that measures up to their father? It's a Herculean task, much like trying to take your eyes off him. I sincerely doubt that they will ever find anyone as perfectly delectable.

Well, Brad Pitt has a son. That's about it.

He's hot. He plays 'Boo!' with his two year old. He teases his daughter about boys. He never comes off as creepy or manipulative or shady or mean. He may not be THE BEST ACK-TOR IN THE WORLD, but you are kidding yourself if you don't think that he is the source of some of Cameel's Kyle-envy. Everyone that watches him on TV wants him. Imagine how bad it is in REAL LIFE?!? He probably looks at you and you have multiple orgasms, he breathes and panties drop, he smiles at you and suddenly you're 12 and acting like a Bielieber. This is a real man. This is a good man.

This is why God gave me a clitoris.

Maybe it's also why I got turned inside out by Mr. McSlore last night. Dude does wonders for the libido.

So, if ass kissing soothed IBS, Cameel would be cured by now. That fucking DD. Instead of smacking the shit out of Cam when she says that the women are jealous because she's married to a celeb, she slurps on that drippy raisin some more, and says that as long as she's known Lady Grammer, every single human with a vagina has been throwing themselves off of buildings because they can't compete.

PLEASE be next.

Also, the issue isn't even about what Kyle said. Didja know that? It's about Kyle's jealousy. Not Cam's, Kyle's. I mean, come on! It's obvious! Kyle doesn't have a husband starring in a Broadway play!

Kyle isn't married to an ack-tor famous for parlaying lovable smartypants schlubbiness into a minor fortune!

Kyle doesn't have unironic halo-stars around HER head.

Heck, no! Loser.

She is also lacking the giddy excitement that talent by proxy engenders in the most shallow of whores. Bummer, that. No wonder Cameel has such a towering ego. She's fabulous by association!

She exits her limo, practically purring with excitement for the impending attention from reporters that are dying to know all about what it's like to not produce shows for cable networks. She passes off her purse and shawl to the ever-ready sycophant DD and struts up to take her place on the (oh so gay!) pink carpet.

Bitch, did you wear pink shoes to a pink carpet?

Say it with me, dear Twuntettes, "MOW-RAHN!!!!" 

Ick. I'm a shoe whore and even I don't covet those stripper heels. They look like something Jenna Jameson might choose for her bridesmaids. Luckily no one's there because of how she looks or what she's wearing, they want to probe her mind. Yes, it is time for her to answer some questions from the Fifth Estate.

Gee, Mrs. mayormaynothavebeenawhore Grammer, have you seen any of Kelsey's rehearsals? You haven't? Why's that? OH, you want the experience to be fresh, not because anything that doesn't revolve around you and your laxative intake just doesn't quite pique your interest.

Gee, Dame Diverticulosis, is this going to be your very first time seeing your husband in drag? What, no answer? You plead the fifth? REALLY.

Maybe she'll be getting a good divorce settlement after all.

If my spouse had a play, hell, if my friend's spouse had a play opening on Broadway, you best believe I would have seen a few rehearsals by now, or at the very least, walked past the Marquee and taken goofy elated pictures of each other. Nothing Cameel does seems a part of the normal scheme of human behaviour.

In the ladies' limo, Kyle informs the group that if any of them bring up the fight, she is going to go 'Paris Hilton on a Carl's Jr cheeseburger' on them. Trust me. It ain't pretty. Kimmie the Shut-In looks directly at Blair Witch Stick.

And if try any of that Oklahoma shit on me, I'ma strangle you with your chins.

Jeebus, Stretch! Your skin is hanging off of you. Eat a freaking bread stick already! I bet Lisa has some in her purse from her restaurant. Ask real nice and maybe she''l fork one over and the subsequent nutrient rush might loan you a half a personality for the evening.

Kyle and Lisa exit the limo as if they were facing a firing squad. Lord help them. I'd be on my third or fourth seconal by now, and my second bottle of Zin.

Oh, bloody 'ell, Kyle. She wore stripper shoes again.

They file into the theater with some trepidation as Camille rubs her tittie canyons all over Nick and then tries to get lipstick on his collar before he sits down with his wife.

Hold still while I suck your penis out through your mouth.

The ladies come over to say hello, everything is pleasant but strained and Camille asks Nick if she should cover up the remaining third of her Shaqhead sized sacks, in front of his wife, of course!

For a hooker? no

It's a big night for old Chestcurds and she voice overs that she's brimming with confidence. Who says that? Why would she say that? She's not on stage. We already got the memo that she's a super confident lady, especially for one with no talents and only rudimentary motor skills. Thanks for the reminder, I guess?

She's also super duper classy. She said hello to Kyle, then turned her back and called HER a petulant child for verbally assaulting her. Please, like no one's ever yelled FUCK in Cameel's face before.

The first act goes without a hitch and, for reasons beyond my comprehension, all the ladies go to the bathroom and we have to watch them come out of it, fetid odor clinging to their frocks, and Kimmie being left behind. For someone who grew up around cameras, she sure has a hard time maneuvering around them.

I'm sorry. I used the same stall as Camille. I'm a little disoriented.

The play finishes up, and no, Bravo didn't spring for any clips. Kelsey takes his bows and Camille looks around the room as if the applause was for her. This elation has to be pride in her husband, right? Must be. She heads back to his dressing room for one of the most awkward scenes between a husband and wife since American Beauty.

Don't worry about me, Camille. There's plenty of joy in my life, Missus Sharty Pants.

He wants her out of there so badly he almost shoves her out the door. All the while, she keeps looking back begging him with her eyes to play along with her facade of being the luckiest duck that ever plucked a dumbfuck with big bucks.

Jesus H Christ, I hate her so much I'm turning into Dr. Freaking Seuss. Excuse me while I grab a cocktail. I think it's time.

A big disco ball fills my screen and that means party time, right? Not so fast. It's the after party and Kyle sits at a banquette, still freaking out, this time over how she'll be received by Kelsey. I understand that her stress is not just over her own feelings, but over concern for her husband's business dealings with the odd couple.

Everyone is silent until Stretch pipes up and asks Cameel how she felt when Kelsey shared a kiss with another one of the ack-tors on stage. No biggie, it was just a stage kiss. It meant nothing, and she proves it by planting one on Kim.

See? Nothing. It's just like kissing a client.

Please tell me that she did not suck Kimmie's vagina out through her mouth. Thankfully, I think she kept her mouth closed. Kyle, not so much. She looks shocked. I hate to break it to you, Kyle, but I think that was the point.

Kelsey arrives and greets all the ladies with smiles and good cheer. Phew! Nothing to worry about, Mrs. Umansky. He is nothing like his wifey, and (bonus) he's really good at making HER uncomfortable.

He asks if they all came without their husbands and when Kim says that she doesn't have one, he tells her that maybe she doesn't want one. "I'm impossible," he says with a hearty laugh! This is when you or I would good naturedly agree with our spouse and perhaps give them a little shove before recounting some silly anecdote about hubby tracking half the golf course into the living room, or embarrassing you by recounting how you had sex in your host's bathroom last year and never told them about the broken towel rack, or something random like that, ahem.

Not Cam. Oh no. She looks at him like he's about to get punished, leans far away from him like he just automatically got landed on her shit list.

You are SO sleeping on the brown side of the bed tonight

Kelsey interviews in that exhausted resigned way of his that after years and years of marriage the most that you can hope for is to wake up next to someone who is kind. 

Holy shit. If that wasn't the insult of insults you can slap my face and pawn my joorey. I'll even eat Kyle's lovely emerald earrings. After all, they'll eventually come out the other end.

And still look less shitty that Cam

Then everyone dances, one like a slut. Here's a hint- it wasn't Lisa, Stretch, Kyle, Kelsey or Kim.

In the limo back to the airport, Kyle and Kim seem to be on better terms. They talk about how they all miss their hubbies and I'll spare you the lonely wet puppy in a dirty alley montage of Kim. 

She's not a complete idiot after all because she asks them all to set her up on dates. Her age range is 25-70 and I'd call that plenty flexible. Lisa's idea for a mate is a little more specific. Stretch laughs at her requirements. She's always laughing. Yeah.


I'd fall on my dildo if she made a funny, and no. By funny, I do not mean her face. Wah waaah.

Every last one of them dives right into the idea, with only one stalwart hold-out, that plucked chicken gizzard, Stretch. She doesn't want to do it because they don't get along, and Kim reads her for the useless Wicker Woman that she is, and so on and so forth. That's okay. Stretch would probably set her up with an 'amazingly dashing pilot' that turns out to be some guy who flies remote control radio planes at abandoned air strips on the weekends.

For a palate cleanse this week, I give you what needs no introduction. A gravity defying speciman that still has me agog. I give you..

Lisa's ass!

I need butt implants. I need to balance out my gigantic boobage so I don't look like a surfboard with two water balloons stapled to it when I turn to the side. Unless Mauricio mistakes me for one and decides to to ride me. Did I say that out loud? No? good.

Lisa is having Ad over for tea and sympathy, with a side helping of making Cedric feel useful. Lisa remarks that she is late even though they live right across from each other. Um, have you noticed the size of your friend?

For her it's like crossing the Sahara

Lisa is smelling like a rose again, informing us that she waited for Ad to call her, out of respect for her mourning period. She didn't want to rush to gossip (Stretch!) when Ad already had plenty on her mind.

She tells her what happened and can I just say how utterly gorgeous Ad looks? Unreal.

it's Persian Barbie!

I'm still not understanding the blogosphere hate on Ad's looks, so I'm going to ignore it. What do they say about living well being the best revenge? Exactly.

After hearing of all the stupidity of the fighting in New York, Ad says that they should just agree to disagree and move on. Sure, if you were dealing with a rational human being. I'm more in line with Lisa's take, that Kyle and Camille's personalities clash and they are best kept apart. No lunches for them, please. What's the point?

Cedric's contribution to this conversation is a lame joke about taking away the knives and forks before they sit down to hash things out. Ad looks at him like, 'since when do the hired help speak to me? Shut up and look pretty.'

Or it's back to Manhunt with you

What? I know lots of guys that have found quality tail on that site. There's no shame in it. I checked it out with my friend Mark when we were in Chicago. I laughed my ass off at the posing and all the different ways one could describe one's penis. After a while it seemed like one giant smutty poetry book, Ode to a Grecian Worm, or something.

Camille reads books. Correction. Camille wants you to think she reads books. She's posing with one now! let's go have a look!

It says War, honey. Not porn

And look who's here! Our very own surrogate Kelsey and awkward maybe-fuck buddy- Nick! Good God, that boy gets an awful lot of airtime. More than Mauricio and that's a crime! 

I hate these rehash scenes: I did this. Kelsey WASN'T THERE. Kyle threw me shade. Then Kelsey WAS THERE but he fucked me without looking at me. He must still be in the honeymoon phase with a stewardess his play.

We get treated to another "I'm rubber, you're glue," story about Kyle being jealous and then here comes a lie. I didn't believe it when she told her suck-up artists back in New York and I don't believe it now. There is no way in Hell that Kelsey said that Mauricio was no longer his real estate agent. He knows his wife. Heck, he knows Kyle. Here's hoping he called the guy, not to fire him, but to put the Malibu monstrosity on the market. HA!

Camille also claims to be all about empowering women. So much so that she wanted to eviscerate Kyle with words when she was not falling in line with IBAssy's victimhood. Well, bitch, what stopped you? The fact that you only just learned what eviscerate means? The fact that you only just found out what 'dictionary' means?

I'm telling you she was pernicious, as pernicious an ern in a niche in a....aw, Goddammit! Fuck me like I'm smart, Nick!

After her speech about how Kelsey is higher in the pecking order than Mauricio all I can say is, you can have all the money in the world and still be a loser. You can surround yourself with the heights of stardom, run yourself ragged chasing the elite in order to touch their hem and try to rub some of that glory off onto yourself. The sad fact remains. A ho is a ho is a ho.

And, oops! You crapped your pants again.

Love and Kisses,
Twunty McSlore

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