Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Real Housewives of Miami Hatecap: Somnambulists In The Mist

Some of you have heard of the blogger boycott of this stupid show, and while I refuse to do an actual recap, at least I can try to break down what you aren't missing.

Scene 1- Madriana tells her BF about the night out with the ladies, tries to explain how she loves women, just not these women. He gets right to the heart of the matter and compliments her boobs.

Scene 2- Lea has a charity. She is sending gift bags to various Qlist celebrity's rooms one of which is Joe Francis. That's all you need to know about Lea. Pitooey! Still not convinced? One of the others is Kim Zolziak.

Scene 3- If Complexia is a REAL editor, then I'm the president of VanCleef & Arpels.

Scene 4- Another stupid meal at another girl's house, this time Christy. Crusty is a jealous bitch who covets everything everyone else has, and if she bobs her head one more time while demeaning others, I am going to kill Tito Puente. Again. And Lea, you are not the Crackie of the Right Coast, for all your talk of full days and wasted lunch hours. And that chef? He was the Sandra Lee of Cuban fud. Authentic, my ass! Everything came out of bags and cans!

Scene 6- Madriana gets mad at her BF for not wanting to leave work to pick up her son so that she can stay and eat non-authentic Cuban parfaits. Complexia thinks that her priorities are messed up and I agree. GOD HELP ME. 'But she's beautiful!' say the hos. These people are fucked in the head.

All of them look surreptitiously at the camera, by the way. Amateurs.

Scene 7- The deck at Casa Stupida. Unlike Marysol, Madriana knows what time of the day it is. More BS @ picking up the kid. If someone gave me this much shit after I did them a favor, the next favor I did for them would be rearranging their face.

Scene 8- Larsa wants to live in her bikini. I think she should put it on right now. Right before she throws herself off the top of the Gansevoort Hotel. The way she goes on about how she hates The Help! If there is a God, her next nanny will be Rebecca de Mornay. 

Scene 9- Mad and Complexia on a porch. We learn a new word, 'lapidated.' When you figure out what that means, you let me know. Oh, and men have it easy cause all they have to do is make money while we have to live out the Enjoli commercial everyday. Hay-Zeus take the wheel for me, I'm going to go try and uncross my eyes.

Scene 10- Larsa is a shitty mother with lazy children and she will blame that on the nannies, TRUST ME. And she doesn't deserve that closet. Is there a way to get a petition together and have her thrown on 'Cut Off?' Throw her Mom on there too, she's an enabling hag.

Scene 11- Lea and Joe Francis. You are the company you keep, right, Lea. Oh wait. She doesn't care what I think.

Objectifying women is so amusing!

Scene 12- Marysol's make-up artist has more plastic surgery than she does. He's not as beautiful as Elsa, but it's close. Lube Stop is doing some amazing work these days.

Scene 13- The party/event/benefit/wake. Lea fawns over everyone, starfucker that she is, and Marysol does the red carpet. Why are we watching Lea get a security wristband? DULL. Someone needs to give Marysol and Elsa their own show, this is just BORING. There are missed opportunities aplenty.

You could've given the queen a speaking part, sheesh!

At least they raised a bunch of money and Lea worked that auction like it was an old geezer with overflowing pockets.

Scene 14- Crusty and her friend crash the party. She lies and says that they were late because of a flat tire. I sure hope she's there to scout for another sugar daddy because if you can't afford $500 for a seat, you are in trouble, girl. No one cares that she crashed but they pretend they do as an excuse not to deal with her anymore. Hey, whatever works!

Are any of you even watching this crap????

*chirrup chirrup* 

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