Wednesday, March 23, 2011

William Levy, Aieeeeeeee!

Since Elsa wasn't on the show last night, the only real reason to watch The Real Housewives of Miami was this guy-

More pictures and a synopsis of what you DIDN'T miss after the jump.

presented without commentary because, HOLY CRAP.

Before we get to this week, can I just say that Marysol has the tiniest pinkies I've ever seen? Both she and her mother do. Maybe it makes you psychic, or a drunk. Don't know, but for sure it leads to bad plastic sugery! Anyway, on with this week's Elsa-less episode!

We begin with Marysol and her roller coaster of nerves in anticipation of the wedding. First, she's a mess, then it's Phillipe's turn to be a wreck, but it all culminates in a nice bright white ceremony at the top of a mountain. I raise my glass to the new couple in the hopes that this 'whim' as Marysol calls it, goes into the win column and doesn't end up lining the pockets of a divorce lawyer. I think she's sweet and I want to see her marriage succeed. In order to do that, she needs to loosen up about the little things, like the wine refrigerator that Phillipe brought to her apartment. Priorities, woman! It's full of amazing wine, what's not to love? Oh, wait. Maybe she's afraid Elsa will find it the next time she visits. We don't need anymore black turtlenecked DUI mug shots. Just get her a driver already. She deserves it just for being her.

You know, there are A LOT of good looking people in Miami. Why did it take so long for us to meet William Levy? This guy is an Adonis and Alexis can't stop flirting with him. He's a model/actor and the first person to be on the cover of Venue twice. Alexis li-eeks heem. How can I tell? She doesn't treat him like her husband. Married for love, my ass. 

When we finally see the photo shoot the stylist in charge of oiling him up says that she loves her job. Really? If that's a job, I'll do it for free. I'll even bring my own camera! It's also nice to see someone that equals Elsa in beauty, though half her charm is her witty repartee. This William guy doesn't really need to speak. EVER, and that's okay with me.

I can't make my mind up on whether I like Lea or not. She failed so miserably when she spoke to a rag-tag group of sullen teens from the foster care system, probably because it's not a world she's familiar with, as much as she tries. They meet at a a place called Everglades Camp but the whole scene looks more like something out of Beyond Scared Straight. I do have a tip for her- when you do your creative visualization speech, try not to bring up the fact that they're all acne riddled and chubby. I did learn one thing, though. Dead people don't have problems! Except for that pesky part about being DEAD.

I also wish Lea would wake up and see that Madriana is using her. I don't buy for one second that Brazilian multilingual ART patron's ex called her up begging her to come back by dangling money in front of her. If that were true, her grifting tushy would be on a plane to Texas already. What she really wants is for Lea to pity her when she comes back to her in a week and tells her that the money she was counting on never came through. As for Frederick adopting her son? They aren't even married yet and that could be a problem, especially since she claims to want stability for the poor fatherless kid. Sorry, this girl is a con artist, always looking for a sucker and no amount of pole dancing lessons is going to change that. They could come in handy if this whole conning Lea thing doesn't work out, though!

Today is also the day of the big fashion show but Alexis gets into an accident and can't make it. They decide to let Cristy wear her clothes, which is like giving Giselle's Victoria Secret outfits to a dancer form a second rate strip club. Can you tell I don't like Cristy? No? She took what should have been a Cinderella moment and drags it down to the level of a bad rap video, tongue flicks and all. They should have given Alexis's gowns to another girl and let Cristy stick to the Club MTV outfits that better suit her. Oh, and Camille Grammer did that look better too. Did I say that I didn't like Cristy? I did? Cool.

Since we don't have enough cooking parties on this show, it's Larsa's turn and she wants hers to be 'funner' and super competitive. She wants to win the war of the cooking parties that doesn't exist! She tells her Italian chef, Steve, not to go easy on the ladies. In other words, she enjoys setting other women up to fail so that she can look good. Yeah, she's THAT bitch. The chef promises to deliver and I cannot get over how much he looks like Vin Deisel's slower brother, if that's even possible.

Adriana, Marysol and Alexis arrive first, and Steve tells them the rules- you have to wear an apron and if you drop something, you better pick it up immediately. Um, what about pulling their hair back? No one wants to eat moldy weave with their melanzana! Lea's late but Cristy's even later. She doesn't even step foot into the kitchen! Maybe she's afraid she'll get grease splatters on her skin-tight jorts. That would be TRAGIC. 

They eat their food, Marysol passes around pictures from her wedding (on her PHONE) and then Lea thanks everyone for their contributions to her charity. Nice, right? Not for Adriana. She picks this moment to needle Cristy about not wanting to pay for a ticket. Honey, that is none of your business! Lea can take care of herself, thankyouverymuch, and she does by saying that she got a check from Cristy, only it was for two people, not three. Cristy lies and says she only brought one person. Go to the tape, Miss Andy! 

Cristy tries to turn the things around on Lea by saying that she didn't handle the situation correctly. Why, she sent the invoice by certified letter. That's simple not done! Not a smart move, Cristy, Lea's got your number, hussy, especially since she's heard that you've been flapping her lips all over town about how Lea should be grateful to HER for even showing up. Nice try, Cuban Corgi! 
Sorry, that was mean. She does have really short legs, though. If this were Buckingham Palace, people would never stop petting her.

Larsa finally shuts down the discussion as Adriana sits there watching the havoc she's wrought, waiting for someone else to look bad so no one notices her slipping the silverware into her purse and rifling through the cash register. They depart with no one any better for the experience and new battle lines drawn. Next week should be fun! Not only will the girls be ready to stick knives in each other's backs but Elsa will be there with bells on, and a hangover, I'm sure. Phew!

twunty McSlore

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