Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: Strangerize in Paradize

If you had asked me a month ago who my favorite Orange County housewife was, I would have said Gretchen in a heartbeat. As soon as I knew that Jeana was leaving, I put all my eggs in her basket, a HUGE mistake. She's just as bad as the rest of them, only she was made likable by playing the good guy to Tamra's big, bad bitch. If only these women would just BE, instead of trying to appear as something they're not, like happily married to a sleazeball!

But at least you accessorize him so well!

The more someone insists on something, the more I'm inclined to see it as a cry for help. Bravo, bring back my fun bitches, this is just funny, I mean sad!

First of all, Gretchen's full of shit. Remember back during Beverly Hills when Cameel would go on and on about how hard she works, when clearly she did not? This is Gretchen's m.o., "I'm not a Princess! I work hard for what I have!" Um, no you don't. You work hard at keeping your lies straight, and sure, that's work for some people, but if you're making money that way, you're just a con artist. Pfft.

For instance, after she and Mallard rehash the whole princess conversation from Tamra's party, they head out to the mall in Gretchen's new Mercedes. How in the Hell is she able to afford this new car? We make a good living here chez McSlore but our new car is a Subaru. A Mercedes? I'd have to say bye-bye to any new joorey and the wine budget would be kaput. How is she paying for it, with her good looks? Oh, I'm sorry. I got that backwards.

SHE'S the one that paid for those.

Gretchen is flat out lying about how much moolah she got from Jeff. She got a lot. His kids said they had no plans on working because they got plenty of money in the will. I'm sure they'll run through it pretty darn fast because that's what kids do, but Gretchen? She's sitting on a pile, you just know it.

So, she and Mallard Mouth are meeting Peggy to go shopping for stripper boots, only Peggy's not allowed to wear them because she's oh my Gawd, old. Seriously? Has Gretchen lost her damn mind? Going on skin alone, Peggy is at least a decade more youthful! Anarchy said it yesterday and I have to agree, Gretchen needs to get rid of that cystic nightmare of a face before she starts hawking Gretchen Christine Clearasil, and I'm pretty sure Peg Leg was planning on wearing them for her husband,

not marching down the Costa Mesa freeway in them, sheesh!

I also have to agree with Peggy about Gretchen dressing like a Texan. The hair, the gaudy clothes, the HIDEOUS necklace. It's like some tacky old Avon crap from the 80s, or something a teen might make with a glue gun for her school's production of Marie Antoinette.

She knows not to wear ballet flats, though, since they remind Slade of Jo. Which reminds him of the days when he had money, and nice watches, and a house and kids that loved him and.......you can fill in the rest.

Quelle lose-air. And what the heck is up with only showing two minutes of Crackie on her own? This reminds me of the phasing out of Jeana, where she'd have a smaller and smaller role in the show just before announcing that she was leaving in order to concentrate more on her family and business. Sounds exactly like what Crackie is going through. I hope you're wrong, Chemgal, but it really does seem awfully familiar, doesn't it?

Crackie's clearly stressed, not to mention acting like an asshole with the Latino guys working on her stairway. "No scratchy new wood-y," is some straight-up retarded Rosie O'Donnell shit, and dragging her contractor around the house like a five year old is even worse! How he keeps from killing her is beyond me. Oh right, those checks she keeps writing.

What people have to put up with to earn a living these days. 

Who am I kidding? They're probably taking beer breaks with Donn out back.  And this is no smart assed crack on his drinking because if I were him I'd be half in the bag by breakfast. His life is all about not changing and Crackie wants change and she wants it now! He's going to just love it when she sells the house out from under him. I wonder if she'll get Jeana to list it?

Oh, and Slurry isn't the only one running into screens at Casa Crackapotamia. One of the workers does the exact same thing.

 He must be getting stoned on those beer breaks with Donn.

Back in Blondetopia, Mallard, Gretchen and Peggy Pee are fixin' to eat some grub. It's the usual salad, fish and Crackie bashing that we've all come to expect, only this time it's served up with a side order of "I never said I was never friends with Tamra!" from Jesus's shotgun bride, Alexis. Clearly Gretchen wants Mallard Mouth to be her ally this season and clearly Saint Jessica of Chesticles want to be everybody's friend so she can be Queen Bee of the Never Was's.

 Way to set the bar high, Mallard! Kadooz to youse! 

Can you guys tell I just took some medicine? It doesn't show, right? Good.

Poop on all that, what I want to know is when Mallard got so BAWDY. She comes straight out and asks Gretchen if Slade has a magical peen-sicle, and she says yes. Why, it gets soft and hard according to Gretchen's mood! Why, it's a mood-weiner! I call that a dildo, but hey, if she starts selling Gretchen Christine Vibrators that change color, she just might be a millionaire yet! I'd buy a couple. Why not? Mr. McSlore isn't home ALL the time, you know.

The conversation devolves from there into a competition between Mallard and Peg Leg over who boinks their husband in the closet more. There'd be a joke in there somewhere, only I'm saving it for Eddie. He's gay, right? No good looking straight guy willingly bangs living mummy husks, uh-uh. That dude is hiding something.

And I do not believe for one minute that Mallard ties Jimbo to a chair and then sexes him up! There is no way in Hell any sane person would tie him up and not take advantage of the situation to grab those kids and run far, far away from him. No WAY.

Tamra and Crackie meet up for their usual meal of identical outfits and near identical conversation. Time again for Tammy Sue not to apologise for being a cunt last year and time again for promises of a 'girls only' vacation, this time to Cabo. Please, please, let them go on their girly vacation after Crackie and Donn break up! I want to see the other 'girls' come out to play again!

 Not literally. I'm not completely mad, you know.

I find it hard to believe that Crackie hasn't taken a dip in her pool in over three years. That is messed up if it's true. Lordy, what I wouldn't give just to have that option right now. I don't want the $900 electric bill, though. That is insane, especially since the kids moved out. I guess the slumber party with no slumber from last year must have wised up Michael the Poker Star. I hope he didn't have to pawn that watch to Jimbo in order to rake together a security deposit. Jimbo like his watches, as we know. Mikey may never get to buy it back.

Do you own your own business? Do you like to travel? If you answered 'yes' then you are just like Eddie and Crackie. Congratulations, you won a trip to Spain with a 42 year old bitch with 90 year old skin and 6 month old lip injections! Yep, Eddie's taking Tamra to Spain so he can wow her with all the different ways he can say "I would like you to meet my mother, Tamra," in Spanish. I bet it sounds really sexy and humpable, I betcha, I do.

Is Tammy Sue ever going to apologise for anything, EVER? Just curious. I want to know so I can stop waiting for one.

This woman is about as self aware as the algae in our pond.

Speaking of pond scum, It's busy praying over It's children in preparation for the long dangerous drive to San Diego. Dontcha know that they could be robbed by the Frito Bandito on their way down, or what if Jeana's ex-husband decides to hop on the freeway with half a case of Simon's tequila coursing through his veins? You never know, people. It's best to let a fraudulent pawn broker lay hands on you first.

I like the way they set their marriage up. Jimbo gets to ride alone with the luggage while Mallard piles in with the nanny Sandra, the Future Gold Digging Twins and Jim Junior. Sadly, this leaves Jimbo alone and unloved, nay, hated, even by his own voice dialing system! The sight of him trying to get his phone to dial 'Dan' and getting rejected every time was almost worth having to watch him speed up to pass his family when they deign to catch up and wave to him. What a chode.

 I'd vomit but I'm trying to keep my pills down.

When they fianally arrive to the hotel, more Christian behaviour is displayed in the form of humiliation. I hope all you lapsed Christians that do not attend disco church are taking notes here. See, Jesus likes for you to embarrass your wife whenever possible. She must be kept in her place so she doesn't run off and leave her husband for a man that doesn't resemble a newborn Walrus, all greasy skin and wispy whiskers.

You make her pose for a picture surrounded by all that luggage she just had to pack and you make sure that Junior catches the whole thing.

In case you missed the memo that jimbo is the boss, he orders his assistant to pick up the luggage he forgot to load, then he orders the bell hops to move furniture around, and then he orders Mallard to order lunch. Gosh, he must be exhausted! I mean he has to be. The next morning, he's so tired that he has to ask Mallard to fetch his ketchup and toast! The things he puts up with in order to guide his pious family.

 Jesus must weep!

Let me take a moment here to address Peggy's holistic mother-in-law. Did I hear right? Did she say that she uses apple stem cells on her face? Was that a joke? What else did she spew, something about governing vessels and polarities and energies and pissing in cups? Then she says that Peggy has rusty pee and need  to wear shiny stickers that she waves a magic wand of hormones over.

If that's your plan for anti-aging, I've got some Scunci's you can wave that wand over so you can grow some decent hair! C'mon now, the weaves on this show are OUT OF CONTROL.

Good God, Rapunzel called, she wants her hair back, granny.

Old weave for brains Gretchen has decided to do an overnight in palm Springs where another of 'her gays' lives with his partner. This is also an excellent opportunity to treat Slade like the pile he is. She makes fun of his hair and his weight while eating a double cheeseburger. Then the bikes fall off the back of the Range Rover when they get to the desert. THIS bike gets scratched.

Yes, she bought Slade Slimey the gayest bike that ever gayed. 

Well, except for this one.

Her teasing borders on out-and-out hostility and it got me to thinking; do you think they have some kind of contract, some silent agreement that if he got her on this show she'd bang him and pretend to be his girlfriend? It's all I can come up with. NONE of their relationship makes sense. All I can hope is that another Jay Photoglou is waiting in the wings to spill the beans and publish her naked photos online. Woo Hoo!

Gretchen's poor dog is so traumatized by their bickering that he hides under the car, poor thing, then she makes one of the most ridiculous statements ever by saying that she loves Robert and Victor because they tell her she's hot and that brings value to their lives. HUH? Then they go to dinner which is depressing since Robert is 'the best cooker' under the sun.

What the? Did she sniff extra hairspray fumes before they left? Somebody better check that Gretchen Christing Byootay make-up for lead because girl done turned into half a retard. Now she's saying that Slade's always too tired for sex and then she brings up the whole, "I don't want to get married, I want to lease a guy," that she pulled last year on the trip with her parents.

It's funny. I don't remember her saying anything about leasing JEFF, did you? 

Hmm. I guess she changed her mind.

I will say one thing about marriage, though. If you marry someone expecting to get lots of joorey and stuff and then your husband turns around and buys himself TWO watches  for $27,000 while you get zilch, I'm pretty sure you can divorce him on those grounds alone. Something to think about, Mallard, while you're polishing his belt buckles and holding back the barf as he gives you another pearl necklace, and not the pretty kind.

Busy not being pretty back in Ladeira Ranch is Tammy Sue! She's meeting Eddie so they can go for cocktails and PDA with poor Marcos. Good for Tamra! She's brave, you know, brave for dating someone so much younger that it makes her insecure about her looks. Wow, she's really changed!

Except for those bunny lines around her nose.

And as always, be glad it's not in HD.

Eddie's 37 but he looks 25 and is legally blind. I'm not even sure if he should be driving his car at this point. Or maybe he used to be schizophrenic and he just assumes Tammy's one of his hallucinations, I don't know. I just can't figure out why he'd date her when there are so many hotter guys around. (NOT a typo)

According to Tammy Sue, she and Eddie started bearding two months after the split from Simon, and Eddie is not Simon's best friend. I believe it. He's Marcos's best friend which makes way more sense since they share a house down the street from Gretchen's gays in Palm Springs.

All this lovey dovey crap is annoying. What I wanna know is,

 where did he get the stoner cuff? 

And what kind of restaurant passes out Snuggies when there's a nip in the air? 

On to Tamra's totally not inappropriate porno. Who cares if you've got kids when you have a umphy humpable Latin guy who is so hot for you he has to down an entire glass of wine like Ramona on a Turtle Time bender before he can play tonsil hockey with your entire face?

Chug-a-lug ya big umphy stud.

GROSS. I will spare you the visual and instead post a picture of my favorite astronaut's wife from the 60s as realised on a Barbara Cartland book cover. Voila.

Your Twunt

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