Monday, November 1, 2010

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: A Guise Girl



When you hear a woman say that she doesn't have many girlfriends, do alarm bells go off? They do for me. The excuses vary, from saying that women are vicious to other women, to claiming to like sports (and only guys like sports, right?...ASS), to just never having met another girl that they felt they could trust. Why is this such utter bullshit to me? Because there is no way that you reach your 40s without realizing that people should be judged on an individual basis, not lumped into a group. Not to mention, how do you get through the really tough times without your girlfriends (or gay friends) to help you? After a certain age, it doesn't add up. Oh, screw the pop psychology, Camille is a conniving cheater who drove her husband away and we're all thinking it, so what the Hell. I'll say it.
Let's get to the highjinks after the jump.


Bravo lets us have it right out of the gate. The first scene of the week is of Camille and her tennis instructor friend Nick. See, when Kelsey is away she hangs out with male friends that are very athletic.

And if their very athletic dicks fall into her mouth, so be it. It's exercise!

She makes a bunch of ball jokes, stretches and preens in front of him, then flushes when she calls him a stud. But it's okay. He's good friends with Kelsey! Nothing untoward going on here. No, not at all. Even though she's completely breathless and distracted around him and can't play for shit.

Honey, the body moves WITH the arms, kinda like when you pull yourself up on that pole.

 And this is only ONE of the sporty men she hangs out with when Kelsey's away. How many more are there? Does she have one for swimming, handball, golf, running and tiddliwinks too?

Something tells me none of them are ugly either.

I'm starting to get a bead on this Camille person, or as Prodigal Cheese calls her, Cameel-Toe. She doesn't exist outside of how she sees herself reflected in the eyes of the men around her. She's a dangerous woman in that she has a bottomless ego that has to be fed compliments and male attention constantly. What would a woman like that need girlfriends for? I bet she doesn't even miss them.

What she does have are the keys to Shangri-La. And yes, I am still pissed about it.

Unless Dr. Moreau is hiding in those bushes somewhere.

Come to think of it, that's probably how some of these housewives came to be. Some definitely seem half human- half beast, and if Crackie is half piggy and Tree is half ape, what is Camille? I'm going with lizard. A lizard with jaundice. Have you looked closely at her skin? It's all yellow and scaly. And would you be surprised to see her pull bugs out of the air with her tongue? Oh, and that explains the surrogate. Most half breeds like mules, for instance, can't reproduce. I learned that in biology in between getting high on formaldehyde and watching football players faint at the sight of fetal pig innards.

Back where the wealth is just as plentiful and it doesn't bother me a bit, is Adrienne. She's on the computer planning a trip to see Jay-Z in Vegas, and she wants to take all the girls again. I think we just found out who our cruise director is, kids.

And the whereabouts of the Wicked Witch of The West's hourglass.

Would you be surprised if she owned it? I'm sure that she can afford all the Hollywood memorbilia that her little heart desires. I still haven't figured out a word to properly put in context their indescribable wealth, and I wonder. Do you get bored when you have everything at your fingertips, or do you just buy increasingly ridiculous items? 

She calls Paul on the intercom to talk to him about the trip to Vegas and once again, her voice echoes all over the huge house.

Paul........PAUL....

....PA-AUL!

Get out of your Etruscan sleigh and get down here!

Hey! I think I solved the mystery of the blurred out art! Here I am typing, and I look over at Mr. McSlore, he's cute, it happens. At any rate, his business is risk management. He would know why they can't show the paintings, right? Then it hit me. The bitches on this show aren't trifling wannabes. They're actually rich. I think that those paintings are priceless works of art and showing them on television would seriously compromise their insurance and the security company's ability to protect them. 

Or maybe the Maloof money comes from super sexy art heists and Angelina is going to play Ad in the movie. She better learn to take down 200 pound men. And not just the married ones.

Paul finally saunters in the room wearing a PALMS CASINO basketball jersey. Boy, their whole life is one giant advert. It's cool, though. They have casinos and sports teams, not make-up lines and faux couture vanity projects. Their stuff is FUN. I am more than happy to help promote it, even though the Kings beat the Cavs the other night.

Ad tells him about her plans and he says, "Why not invite the guys, too?" She reluctantly agrees, so no drama a la Crackie's Florida trip. Do you think they watched the O.C. ladies? I don't get a scripted vibe from them but I wouldn't be surprised if this was a subtle way of sending a message that the BH bitches are above that childish shit.

They don't argue over trips and such, they just fume over squeaky sneakers. Money can't buy you class, you know.

But I'm pretty sure it'll get you a hall carpet.

Hey, can I just say one more thing about these two? As unattractive as I think that Paul is, I just don't get the Adrienne looks bashing that I've seen on other blogs. Yeah, her hair can be messy but I don't think she's unattractive at all. On the contrary, whatever surgery she's had seems subtle compared to Stretch, and she's got the kind of beauty that is the opposite of a full-on Monet. She actually looks prettier up close than she does from far away. I guess it's all a matter of taste in the end, and I'm fascinated by powerful Persian looking women. Go read her Wiki Page, she's no dummy either.

She just has the hair of a drugstore one.

I should talk. You don't even want to see what mine looks like right now. For all I know Mr. Jiggy is up there snacking on my dandruff. I don't care. I'm sick again and if the sweat running down my face is really dog pee, I wouldn't know. I can barely see the TV right now.

I could really use a trip to Vegas. Call me, Adrienne! I emailed you all my information. Sadly, the phone isn't ringing for me, but it is for Camille. Ad is inviting that bitch to Vegas and she's going to get to stay in MY suite for free. Life isn't fair, you guys. If it was she'd be circling my Kohler right now.

I guess she beat me out because she has those four nannied kids to take care of and she's plum tuckered out. She's another one of those me-time women who have all the help in the world but still try to pass off the impression that they are up to their booby tops in household drudgery. Oh, and this is the same desk that she claimed was so messy in her Bravo Cribs web extra-


Saying that the desk is messy is just a subtle way of trying to leave us with the impression that she has higher standards than we have. It's about as genuine as Teresa saying that she doesn't exercise.

What else chaps my ass? Adrienne inviting her after saying that she missed her. HA! Not for long. The only people that miss strippers for any meaningful length of time are the guys that run the VH1 casting couch.

Puppy shaming time! This week it's a Maltese in a purse! How do you fit anything else in there, make-up, cell phone, wallet? Maybe they stick it all up their poonanes, like Paris and her coke.

Mommy, yer pussy's ringing again.

Lisa is having all the ladies and their husbands for dinner at her restaurant Villa Blanca, in Beverly Hills. She's very nice about it, too, making sure that the chef doesn't serve too many carbs to the weight conscious women.

Give those to Camille, won't you Dahling?

She says that the restaurant is her baby and she has to check in every four hours to make sure that everything is going okay. Kadooz to her! I'm sure she sees her baby waaaay more than Camille ever saw hers. Still, that's a bit less than I saw any of the restaurant owners that I worked with. And no, that's not because I was boinking them. Pervs.

I have another question. Why do half of the chefs we see on Bravo have faux-hawks? Is there some kind of secret Marcel Vigneron fan club that I don't know about? Cuz I wanna join! He was cute, like a human Ewok/Wolverine. They should make Marcel stuffed animals. I'd buy one.

ehn. I changed my mind 

I'm not sure why I like Marcel so much from season 2 of Top Chef, but I have a hunch that it had something to do with my overwhelming hatred of Ilan. He was a passive aggressive weasel, a wimp and a dickhead. I hope he's running an Eat 'N Park in Toluca Lake and his claim to fame is crying into Miley Cyrus's blueberry pancakes every morning.

Also at the restaurant is Cedric. He's all manscaped with his George Michael five 'o clock shadow, and is wearing his shirt unbuttoned almost to his navel. 

The hostess with the mostess chodeness!

Cedric is helping out with dinner and serving as a visual balance for the mostly unfortunate looking husbands. What else does he have on his resume? Does he have any purpose other than making the scenery pretty? Can he design? Is he good at hair?

Cuz Ad could sure use some pointers.

She has a rhinestone butterfly clip in her hair. I'm sure that it's really dye-muns and cost a fortune at Swarovski or Cartier, but it's still a butterfly clip. No amount of tinsel from Rite Aid is going to change that. But since she isn't Camille and she probably actually plays with her three boys, I'm going to chalk up her hair situation to being a busy working mom.

They chit chat about how neither Kim nor Lisa has met Russell and oh, boy are they going to be disappointed. They're all expecting J.R. and they're gonna get

J. Aren't

Ken meets the industrious rustler and promptly asks him if he's finished doing his taxes, and if so, he could have just called. He didn't have to show up at the restaurant. OH! You're Stretch's husband? I'm sorry, you look like that dude from H & R Block!

What a joke. Why would you describe your husband as the Marlboro Man when you know that eventually everyone will meet him and discover that he isn't even as macho as the Tidy Bowl Man? What a crock of shit. I think that she had to create this fantasy in her head to justify being with someone so obviously beneath her in looks and charm. Trust me, girl. You could do better. D I V O R C E him. Then have Lisa introduce you to one of her many cute friends of questionable sexuality to take the edge off.

Camille arrives, followed by everyone else and the air kisses are out of control. I had to keep rewinding in order to get my screen grab and the "muah, muah's!" were insane! Can't you just say hello, give a hug to those you are close to, and then move on? All this kissy, kissy face bullshit is an annoying upper class pretension, like curtsying to the queen of England.

 And staring daggers of lust into other men's wives.

Oooooo, he's creepy! He makes me want to cover the ladies up and protect them from his Housewife-undressing gaze. Someone needs to tell him to tone down the letch factor a bit, he's making all the rapists out there nervous.

When Kim arrives, Kyle puts on her bitch face. Geez, what happened to all that talk of fighting and then moving on? 

it's in the trash, along with her career.

I don't hate Kyle. really I don't. I just think she needs to loosen up when it comes to Kim. Stop judging her so much. It ain't helping.

They all sit down and Lisa informs them that someone stole the mirror right off of the bathroom wall again. Again? I bet it's still in there. Russell just moved it so he could see the ladies peeing better. It's probably on the floor of the middle stall right where he left it.

Cedric helps serve the sashimi.

 That's the closest you'll ever get to warm fish.

Good news. He doesn't have any chest pubes so none fall into the food and spoil Kyle's appetite.

I guess she's just going to have to wait and pick them out of her teeth later.

Speaking of doing naughty things to hot blooded men from warm climes.

Mauricio!

I only have a couple more screen shots of him from this episode but I savor every one. He is TO DIE FOR. I sure hope that Kyle doesn't turn up dead herself under mysterious circumstances. You bitches will probably send the FBI straight to me.

Or to Kim, poor dear. Her loudmouthed sister tells everyone that she has a date later that evening. The entire table gets in on the teasing, saying that they will go along as chaperones to check the guy out since, as Kyle puts it, she's made so many bad choices in the past.

Like deciding to dress like Betty Rubble this morning.

When will women of a certain age, SINGLE women especially, learn to step away from the animal print dresses? Maybe single men on the prowl find them irresistible, I don't know. What I DO know is that they make you look desperate to appear young and wild. Who started this trend? I blame Jackie Collins. She was wearing that shit 30 years ago.

In her 60s.

I know she's only 70 something now, but don't you think it ages her? The only gals that I see rocking leopard under the age of 40 are those Guidice monkey babies and that's because they watch Tarzan movies on a loop from their cages in the basement. That Nona loves her some Johnny Weissmuller. It makes the pain of having a moron for a daughter ease up a bit.

Here's Shut-In Kimmie's bad spouse choosing run-down: Husband number one didn't stick around because they were young and once the shine wore off of shtupping Tia, he was gone. Hubby number two sounded like your typical Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde of suitors. Everything leading up to marriage had him on his best behaviour, and once he got her, poor Kim found out who he really was. A dick. Who hasn't had one of those mistakes in their past? She doesn't say anything about bachelor number three, the long term relationship that led to an out of wedlock child.

So, the only bad guy that I can come up with is bachelor number two. I don't see why she should be stuck with the label of having shitty taste in men. It seems to me that little Miss I Boink Mr. Perfect Every Night has a divorce of her own in her not-so-distant past. Judge not, lest ye be judged.

 And right now I'm going to judge those tie-dye ruffled shoulders.

Eeek! So 80s.

I found something pretty about Camille! She has two different colored eyes.

Green for husband envy and brown for what she's full of.

What brand of bullshit is she spewing now. Oh, that's right. More crap about how life is so much easier with a husband around. Now that Kelsey is away, she has to lift half a finger every other day instead of none. Poor thing. Maybe she should hire someone for that. Go ahead, Camille. There's no shame in admitting that you'd rather waste your brain cells on flirting than on taking care of a sick child. If people don't understand, it's their problem, right?

VOMIT.

I guarantee that she wasn't up all night cleaning up any of her son's vomit or poo. Kyle is a little miffed by her tale of woe and reminds her that Kim may not have a husband but she does everything for FOUR kids without the aid of nannies. I think that Cam may have realised how horrible she just sounded because she gives Kimmie a hearty, "Good Job!" in that slithery nocturnal voice of hers.

"Oh, Cammy. You wouldn't know a good job unless it slapped it's balls on your chin and called you whore"

I wish she had said that. She'll be thinking it very soon, though. Oh, and Stretch bought that Chanel dress I was screaming at her to bypass last week.

Couture makes me feel giddy!

I can't begrudge her the simple pleasures in life. We all know what she puts up with. And it ain't worth it, if you ask me. 

Not unless you get to live like this.

Seriously, if you had Lisa's home you could just hide from the creep all day, have people over every night and then pretend to have bad IBS so he won't complain when you insist on your own room. Or cut the brake lines on his Beemer and blame it on the gardener. 

I think I read too many romance novels as a teenager.

Lisa has my dream closet. Right now I am using the back bedroom as a kind of dressing room but it looks nothing like her arrangement. Hers is all so beautiful and color co-ordinated. And the quantities of stuff, it's out of this world. This section is just dresses that fall above the knee-


And look, she even gets Ken to wear pink! This woman is living the dream. Not to mention the shoes. The Shoes!!!!

Hell, I'll not fuck Ken for that closet

Kyle's packing too. Her house looks a lot bigger from the sky. Not Ad big, but definitely adequate.

Oh Hell, who am I kidding? I could live on her patio and be perfectly happy.

As long as I could see into the bathroom window when Mauricio has his morning shower. 

We see Kyle packing as well and she is your classic over packer. She has to be prepared if it's cold or if the weather is indifferent or if she's feeling skinny or bloated. How about you just pack for the reality of the situation, not what might be? I know we girls can sometimes dress to suit our moods but I'm pretty sure what mood she's going to be having in Vegas- PARTY.

Besides, we all know you're going to wear caftans and jeans anyway.

Stretch is packing up Russell. I wish that I could say that it's because he's moving out, but no. She makes some crack about him getting his ass in gear or he'll be naked in Vegas.

Um, yeah. I'd rather stick hot pokers in my eyes.

You might as well have just told me that the People of WalMart website just went all-nude. 

Stretch shows him what she's picked out for him and he stares soullessly at her then say that he doesn't need a bathing suit (thank GOD) because he has to go to Arizona for the day on business. Don't look so upset, Stretch. He said that he'll only be gone for 3 hours.

2 1/2 on a plane and a half hour with a hooker.

What's the point of going? Can't he just use GoToMeeting or something? Those people in the commercials seem happy with it. He has really tiny fingers too.

I wonder if he can fit them all up his own ass.

That's right. I just implied that I think he should fist himself. I can't stand him. He's a big phony. He looks shady, he acts shady and he has no personality detectable to mankind. Perhaps he can only communicate with newts and frogs and other creatures as toady as himself. God, I shudder to think of the Pharmacy it would take to allow this guy penetration. If I were Stretch, I wouldn't be worried about him leaving me for a 20 year old girl. I'd be worried about him eating one. This guy has 'secret life' written all over him.

Whenever he's on screen I cannot wait to get back to the frivolity. I don't have to wait long, as they touch down in Vegas and we get a glimpse of Lisa's make-up bag.

And that's just for KEN.

I kid, I don't think that he's effeminate. He's just British. They can get away with more.

They all hop into the limo, have some Champagne and then Camille interviews that she isn't bummed that Kelsey isn't there because he sucks up all the attention in the room (well, duh) and she kinda likes getting her own attention (double duh). For once I totally believe her. Why? Because she says all this while barely opening her eyes, as if she were swooning or something. But I'm sure that she loves her husband, and I'm sure that she has other, more lovely thoughts of him in her head.

excuse me *giggle* I just had a dream that Kelsey's plane crashed

They get to the hotel and head straight to the Hardwood Suite, complete with Shaq-sized beds and a half court that can withstand the scraping and spiking of high heeled shoes. Must be made of strong stuff.

You might want to stick some of THAT in your face.

The Armstrongs head up to their suite with it's lovely views of bank drive-thrus and trailers. I think they give the ones with the good views to more respectable people like high rolling gun runners and Jeremy Piven wannabes.

Russy wants to find the mini-bar and get naked. Thankfully, Miss Andy runs this show and we are spared burnt retinas. 


Most of us, anyway.

He must have a huge schlong like the Pawn Preacher. There's just no other excuse because none of us are buying this "I married for love" bullshit. Maybe she has a thing for guys that resemble Insurance salesmen. Maybe they make her fell secure. Maybe that's enough for her, cuz if that were me and I had to sleep with that dishrag, you'd have to whack my clit with a sledgehammer in order for me to feel anything.

Ew. I'm sorry for that visual. I'll give you a better one. 

Mauricio!

In case you couldn't tell, this is my drinking game. I shout his name, do a shot and throw darts at my Kyle poster. Then I check in to see how cloning is moving along in the science world and book my trip to steal his hairbrush.

We watch as Kyle calls him "Money" instead of "honey" and he buys her a stupid hat and seals it with a kiss. Men, watch this guy. He's doinitright.

Meanwhile, Kim's all sad and lonely in her suite. Couldn't she bring a friend? There's no reason why a person should have to be alone in Vegas. Even Nicholas Cage had his Elizabeth Shue, couldn't someone over at Bravo get her a GAY husband? You shake a bush over there and one falls out, metaphorically of course. 

Though it could be how they found out they were gay in the first place.


Slut time. Did you watch Camille's face as they all entered the Fantasy Tower? It was gross in it's predatory nature. She's chomping at the bit to cause some mischief. She bit THE AIR, I'm telling you!

Just another day in the life of a perfectly independent doin' it for herself producer/whore.

I guess that's one way to hog all the attention- by being vile. She has this weird way of being competitive with women. SHE has to be the most attractive. SHE has to have all the male attention. SHE has to have the best body, most cleavage and shortest skirt. If she loved Kelsey so much, she wouldn't have done half the dumb douchebagette stuff she did on this trip.

At dinner she says she's not a big drinker, then orders a Martini. A PICKLE Martini. Good Lord, girl. Could you be more obvious? Plus, why would someone not used to drinking order something that is almost straight-up alcohol? Is it to excuse her behaviour later? Or is she just full of it? Does it matter? I'm just hoping that she really does have IBS and shits herself on the dance floor.

Dinner looks amazing. These women sure do eat well. That's another advantage to being wealthy. You can afford the best of everything AND have someone serve it to you. That's probably a good thing in Ad's case since the only thing she's ever cooked for Paul was a lonely grilled chicken breast when they were dating. He married her anyway *cough* (wayoutta hisleague).

Ugh. Camille sobers me up. Not in a good way. I need to do something about that.

Mauricio!

Prepare yourself. He's about to get a whole lot hotter. Paul says something about Ad remaining cool around a yapping dog and how it convinced him that she would be a good mother some day. Mauricio picks up that conversational thread and says that, contrary to being a turn-off, single mother Kyle and the way she acted with Farrah convinced him of the same thing.

Then he looks at her the way that every woman wants to be looked at- lovingly, even adoringly, and he brushes her hair back from her face.

And that sound that you heard was the plop of a million panties hitting the ground.

Kyle really hit the jackpot with this one. Handsome, well-to-do, kind, a good father and......... did I say handsome? The only way he could get any hotter would be if he threw Cameel-Toe off the balcony at the club.

Since everyone is sharing the stories of their first moments together, Mauricio asks Camille to share the circumstances of her own fateful meeting with The Best Actor In The World. Surprisingly, it doesn't involve eying each other across a smoke filled room, Nickleback pounding on the stereo and dollar bills flying through the air. Nope, they met through his agent, a friend of hers, and he flew out just to meet her!

That's funny. I didn't know that high class call girls had agents. I thought they had pimps? Oh well, same difference, really.

Ever the charmer, Russell the Rotter says that he and Stretch hooked up through their attorneys, implying *chuckle* that she was after his money. You know, because everyone loves a good gold digger joke, especially right in front of the accused. 

The way that Camille looks past Stretch and makes a pre-nup joke with Russell endears her ever more into my heart, and then poor Stretch feels compelled to pile it on further. 

She tells the table that their eyes met across a crowded restaurant, she felt the sudden jolt like a bolt from the blue, swooned and knew, she simply KNEW, that he had just tasered her and was carrying her to the trunk of his car.

Okay, she had to have his average looking ass from a simple glance just like the Bellino Bimbo and her tall tale of glances across the pool at her lard ass loan shark of a husband. Nobody bought the scenario then and nobody's buying it now. Lisa even does the *ahem, bullshit!* thing in her hand, only she's too classy for the bullshit part. That was all me.

If you feel like you are drowning under a morass of Assyness, well, it's about to get worse. Russell claims that he had to run from Stretch for three months, she was chasing after him so hard, when the truth is that he mistook her for one of his bill collectors.

So, whore houses have collection agents these days?

Lisa jokes that opposites must attract since Stretch is so much better looking and charming and vivacious than  he is. Honey, the pimples on Ken's ass are more charming and vivacious.

Let's dance, shall we? This is where Camille the Writhing Chameleon whips her hair around trying to whip the men into a frenzy of lust. I half expected her to turn into Elizabeth Pena from Jacob's Ladder and fuck herself with her own tail.

Paul treats her like the stripper she no doubt was and sticks a five dollar bill in her blouse.

Dude, you overpaid.


She isn't the least bit insulted by the gesture, she's insulted by the amount. She throws it back at him. She must've been a high class stripper, then. More Scores than Whores R Us. But five bucks is nothing to sneeze at and Russell makes a mad grab at it.

Sorry, schmoe. Too slow!

He gets up to ogle Camille dance with his wife, something he didn't even do at his wedding. That's a good thing. He has the rhythm of a sedated sloth.

Camille is loving herself.

I think she just gave herself an orgasm

It's appropriate since it is also the name of her blush. She shares it with Stretch who offers some to Lisa in the bathroom. Lisa tells her, "No, thank you. I already had one today."

Yes, but was it from Jiggy or Ken?

Now it's time for me to be jealous again. It's the next morning and they all head down to the pool.

 Not once did I set foot in water this past summer. Not because I might melt, more because I'm a little self conscious about my expanding belly and most of the time I'd much rather golf but it's nice to see the VIP treatment that Adrienne has laid out for them. She treats everyone like they're special and it's first class all the way.

Aw, a butt plug just for Camille.


Russell could help her with that. Too bad he's busy digging holes out in the desert. Did any prostitutes go missing out there last Spring?

Lisa and Kyle chit chat about starving themselves before coming out to Vegas and how they feel really good about the way they look until Camille walks in the room. Ugh. I hate to hear that. I hope it's just a conversational segue into bashing her, and not a sign that Camille is getting to them.

Speak of the devil! Up walks our perfect 10 of up-chucking fuckery. I am not joking. She makes me sick. Isn't it funny how she is the exact sort of woman that she professes to hate? HILARIOUS. I hesitate to even showcase her any more than I have to, she's so nasty. I'm only doing it for the juxtaposition of the inevitable downfall.

She walks out in a robe because she's cold. That's a lie.

 Truth is, she doesn't want to be mistaken for a prostitute in the lobby.

She is wearing a negligee cover-up. her husband is out of town and she is flaunting that bod like a single woman trolling for cock. Is she wearing her wedding ring? I wouldn't be surprised if she 'forgot' to put it back on after her shower.

Ad and Paul arrive and she immediately jumps up to kiss him. Gee, I didn't see her kiss Ad. What's that all about. Oh, right. All women are catty. Too true, especially when you're an inappropriate whore.

She parks herself right in the middle of all the guys and starts talking about her boobs.  Okay, take off the robe. Let's see 'em. No? didn't think so.

What about her tits? Oh, they're so perfect that she decided to get her implants removed. The doctor finished stitching her back up and said that he should have listened to her in the first place and never put them in. What? Okay, I'm calling bullshit on several levels here.

Number one- why would you get implants if your tits are already naturally huge? She's a D cup now at the very least. What was she before she had them out- a triple F?

Number two- No doctor forces surgery on you. Didn't he actually see them before? Is this the same doctor? A different one? What a huge turd she is asking us to swallow.

Number three- no man cries because his wifey downgraded to perfect. He cried because he had to pay for boobie surgery instead of the lobotomy that he had planned.

Number four- Once you get impants, it is very hard to have a decent breast afterwards without them. The skin is stretched and the nipple is going to drop. At the very least she'd have to have it moved. I wouldn't call that 'perfect.'

And no, I don't speak from personal experience. I'm extrapolating all this from Dr. 90210 reruns because I hate Camille. So sue me. It's my blog. Plus, she's doing shots again. What a teetotaling paragon of virtue!

She says that she loves being around men because they don't censor them selves like women do.

maybe they just censor themselves around YOU

She sipped her shot like it was an elixir foreign to her. Could this woman get any faker? She's as big a phony as Russell is an ersatz carpetbagger, and why would he want to miss all this fun? It seems to me that if he really is some kind of venture capitalist, these would be exactly the kind of people he would want to hang out with, get to know and then craft huge money vomiting deals together.

Things just aren't adding up but at least he showed for yet another fancy dinner before the Jay-Z concert. Stretch doesn't look too happy. I wonder if they fought. Everyone at the table wonders how he managed to fit both Phoenix and Tuscon in one day. Um, cuz he didn't.

Then Nick shows up. What, what, WHAT???

They hug and kiss and act all surprised to see each other. I went back and watched it again. It looked SO rehearsed, the whole "Me and Trish came up for business." Really? Where's this Trish person? Is she your wife? If you, CameelToe and Kelsey are so close, wouldn't she want to hang out too? Bah, look at their body language. They're acting like freaking newlyweds! They even say, "I love you."

Look everybody! I already found Kelsey's replacement! What, he hasn't cheated yet? Details....

The men look pissed. The women just stare. I don't know. He's okay... but he's no Mauricio. He looks like he squeals when he cums. I bet he shaves his chest hair too. And he kicks dogs. And farts and blames it on others. Meh

Dessert is served and it is straight out of A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving. Cotton candy, ho-ho's, rice krispie treats and brownies. Ad ROCKS. She is the QUEEN. How thoughtful was that? She knew that all the ladies had been dieting before the trip so she let them have a sugar feast at the end.

I hope Camille's ass explodes.

Did you see Stretch's mouth stretch wiiiiide open in that scene? It's just practice. For soft core porn!

Wow. That is some talent.

I'm gonna guess that you ain't looking at Russell.

There's no way she could keep it down if that were the case. She was looking at Mauricio, I'm sure. Sadly, I'm all out of hunky screen grabs of him this week so you'll just have to scroll up. It'll be a lot more fun than the scene at the penthouse. They all head up there after the Jay-Z concert and another round of Grammer grinding.

The views are gorgeous and they get even more insanely fabulous

when camille leaves. ZING

Her excuse for leaving was that it was too cold, she felt like an outsider because she doesn't really know these girls and everyone was bonding. Errr durr, wouldn't this be a good opportunity to get to fucking KNOW them? Here's the Translation- Time to fuck the tennis instructor. Well, that was rude. She could have at least invited Kimmie the Shut-In. She's lonely too, ya know.

Kyle makes a silly joke about Russell wearing Stretch's heels when she's not around and he gets visibly uncomfortable. Out of Stretch's bowling alley sized mouth comes that BS line about how she married a rootin' tootin' Texas cowboy that would put Rooster Cogburn to shame. I tell you what, honey. You show me Russell actually riding a bull instead of spewing it and I'll shut up about him being a namby pamby cocktard. Deal?

His answer to the ensuing awkwardness? He tells her that they should leave and get something to eat.

As if Ad couldn't have a three course meal up there in the time it takes Stretch to roll her lips up.

I'm starting to really feel bad for this girl. Did you see her face?

I   love my.....rootin' tootin' texass cowboy. yep, sure do

What a catch, indeed. The girl is finally having fun and he can't stand it. He's a controller, that's for sure. I'm planning on bringing cotton candy to the divorce party, how about you!

Back home, Kyle goes shopping with Farrah and tells her about a scene that we viewers weren't privy to. Kyle and Camille were discussing Camille's upcoming trip to Hawaii without Kelsey and when Kyle started asking what she was going to be doing without him, Camile got all uppity and asked her "why does it bother you so much," and "I can feel your tension." Then she said that she didn't like being interrogated by the Aunt of one of the biggest whores on the planet. Okay. She didn't say that last part.

But she was thinking it.

The only person that would construe those questions as interrogation is someone that's got something to hide, no? Hmmm.

Meanwhile, in an overpriced ritzy boutique across town, Lisa and Camille are having an entirely differently slanted conversation about the same events. The only thing tying the two together is Camille's levels of louse-yness.

She tells Lisa that Kyle said (in a very haughty manner) "Why would anyone be interested in you without Kelsey there?" I don't believe it and I'm going to use the Zolziak Rules Of Mendacious Glances to prove it.

lookin' to the left

and lookin' to the right

The good news is her kids won't grow up to have the intelligence of your common household pet. They have nannies. THANK GOD.

Lisa isn't falling for it. She tells her that there is no way that Kyle would say anything with that kind of malicious intent. Camille must have misunderstood. This makes Camille a shit stirrer, right up there with Jackie Laurita and the dreaded Zarin.

And Lisa my new hero!

She points out that sometimes people think that they hear one thing, when the reality is that the person said something else altogether. Let me expound on that a little. Assholes like Camille are too stupid to keep their lies straight and they live in fear of 1) being found out, and 2) that people are talking well-deserved trash about them. Some people hear what they want to hear and others hear what they fear. Camille is the latter. Plus, she's a whore. THE END.

Next week looks like a sad episode. Another over the top birthday party, an old man in a hot tub with weepy titties, and horrors! (I mean that!) Lisa thinks her son might be on drugs! Noooooo!!!!!

Love and Kisses,
Twunty McSlore

40 comments:

shanti said...

Boy Missy, do you have Russell's number. He's either 1. a serial killer, 2. has another or 3 "families" or 3. he's Taylor's cousin/brother/friend that wants to be on tv. The Duke, he ain't. I don't think they'd even claim him in Oklahoma let alone Texas. Wonder if Taylor will end up going all Farrah in Burning Bed later this season. That would be sweet.

I thought Adrienne looked so much prettier this episode. Perhaps her muscles are relaxing a bit from the last round of shots.

And Camille - what can I say? I hope she shits herself too. Spot on with every point. <3 <3 <3

Prodigal Cheez said...

I love you Twunty McSlore. Awesome, awesome recap - especially because this one was super busy.

I love Lisa VdPump because she's saying everything w're thinking. But I want Adrienne to be my BFF - solely because she has that thousand yard stare that can stop strippers, Narcissists and assholes dead in their tracks.

I would love to be hanging out with Kelsey watching this so I could hear him say, "And the tennis game alone will save me $6 million dollars..." Camille-toe is awful, and you're so right-on she does have a reptilian quality about her... UGH.

Camille-toe is totally fucking around, I have a theory that she and Kelsey both knew the marriage was over before the show started filming and agreed to do it to try and jump-start something for her.

I'm actually finding the Maloof's husband surprisingly sexy, I'm not really into the physical looks of a man - I'm attracted to guys with a certain kind of personality trait and I think Paul has it. It's hard to describe, but it's a kind of soulful masculinity but very confident... Ah, I just like him! OKAY?!?! LOL.

I like RHOBH so much because in spite of the monumental wealth of some of the women, it's totally relatable. I've been to those get togethers where someone decides to get a bunch of "fun" couples together and it just has those cringeworthy moments with the husband who doesn't quite fit in or want to, the girlfriend who's great on a limited basis but pulls stripper/whore tricks out of her bag after a few drinks, or the couple that just isn't on the same page.

I also loved the scene by the pool when Lisa and Kyle were doing EXACTLY what my friends and I would after watching Camille the night before - which is draw our lines in the sand. I don't think any of the girls sees C-Toe as a credible threat, but that woman is definitely looking for another Hollywood player to replace Kelsey.

It amazes me how many of these miserable bitches come on these shows thinking they're going to be America's sweetheart - and they are just repulsive to watch. C-Toe is so fucking horrendous that I'm actually pulling for Kelsey to get the girl AND the money and send her bulimic ass packing back to the valley.

twunty mcslore said...

That's the reference, Shanti! The Burning Bed! Sorry I couldn't think of it on the phone.

IA, and I'll light the match for her. He's so gross and I have a hard time believing that she's in on his crap like Missy was in DC. I think she fell in love with the idea of the man, not the actuality. it makes her poignant and to be pitied, not the fronter I was worried we were seeing last week.

PC, Paul does have that confidence and self deprecation that goes along with being a good guy who married out of his league, as opposed to the other kind. I'm looking at you, Russy. Not too closely, though.

I do get what you are saying about the relatability of these gals. I've been in those same situations too, and I've been with the embarrassing person more than I'd like to admit. okay, it was me. I SHOWED my breasts, though. I'm no tease.

Anonymous said...

You have Camille peg since the get go, I think they had an open marriage but unlucky Camille, Kelsey got the girlfriend pregnant all when she was filiming so she is playing the poor victim but she is not.

Anonymous said...

Hysterical…as ALWAYS!

My sides hurt from laughing so much that I think they might hurt tomorrow. Then, of course, I figured that would count as a workout….so now I can lay on the couch with no guilt :)

YOLO

twunty mcslore said...

Lol, Yolo. LOLOYOLOLOYOLO. Sorry. I'm drunk again.

And anonymous @7:35, use yer name. How else am I going to use it in a silly joke? I ain't psychic ya know.

Robin said...

Leave My Kyle's ruffled sleaves out of this!

The sleaves were originally flat but Her and the hubby got a quickie while she had the dress on. He is so sexy that the damn dress got turned on too and it's toes curled up!

Back to reading..

twunty mcslore said...

LOL, robin. Mine curled up too. I rescind my criticism.

I have to link this. I HAVE TO. Look at the Halloween costumes Yolo made on the Bravo message boards. FUCKING HILARIOUS. I think she might be a closet sister.

http://boards.bravotv.com/index.php?showtopic=177256

tnbelle1123 said...

Oh Twunty, this recap was pure gold!! I don't know how you top yourself week after week, but you always do! :-)

Of course we all know Russy is fucking someone(s) else. First he said he was going to Scottsdale and then he said he was going to Tucson. He doesn't even care enough to keep the lies straight and Taylor is too afraid to speak up. As I said on the 'Gasm, she admitted she didn't really marry for money, he knows that, and doesn't pretend the marriage is anything more than it is. Just because he doesn't leave you for the 20 year old doesn't mean he's not fucking her. And please, I never want to see Horseface try and be sexy again.

I hate Camille. Enough said.

Mauricio was so cute, coming in and picking up the baby, giving her kisses....awww!

I love Ad and Lisa. I even like Kyle. I felt bad for Kim this episode. She just wants someone to love her for her. I don't think she's ever known what it is to be truly loved, except as a mother. Though I still think she needs a shrink.

Talk about acting like a prostitution whore...Camille and her dancing...UGH!! I HATE CAMILLE!!!

But love you Twunty McSlore!! <3

Anonymous said...

I thank you for the shout out Twunty, but I just find greatness on the net (like you) and promote it. The Halloween pics belong to Mickeymouth and here is the site… http://mickeymouth1.wordpress.com/2010/11/01/phaedra-chrsitmas-tree%c2%a0lights/

I hope I can still be a sista!

Much Love
YOLO

chemgal said...

I love Mr. Maloof! And I love Adrienne. I think her hair issues could be that it is her real hair, not the extensions we are use to seeing in all the housewives heads and it takes a beating. She is in great shape and isn't diet skinny, she's athletic skinny. I am betting her hair is in a pony tail at least 1 or 2 hours a day. I'm also thinking she only styles it for the show and isn't very skilled at doing it. I know I can't figure out how to even get a side part to stay in my hair when doing a low pony tail so I always look like I'm going jogging!
Camille disgusts me and I only realized after reading it here that she is what she claims to hate. Everything she says she hates about other women could be included in her autobiography. what a waste of an estate! I hate seeing women like her get the good things in life.

Prodigal Cheez said...

LOL!!!! Those costumes were great YOLO! Haha - My fave was The Maloof as Wonder Woman!

BTW - I think Russell looks like Harold Kunkle as played by Toby Radloff:

http://www.imdb.com/media/rm2025626880/tt0102209

Be careful, he's sporting an "O" face!

PottyMouth said...

LOVE the recap, Twunty - a great way to start my day!

I'm with everyone else with the Camille loathing. She is such a skanky hobag. I loved it when Kyle boxed her out of dancing with Mauricio. Damn that man makes my mouth drool. A LOT.

I was feeling Kyle on the whole overpacking thing. I'm an overpacker too because I hate not being able to decide that day what I want to wear. When I went on the cruise with my son this past summer I packed 4 suitcases. What? One of them was for him, the other for toys and books, and two for me. That's not overdoing it, right?

Twunty, I have also always liked Marcel. I fucking hate Ilan and the fact that he won his season has always royally pissed me off especially considering the fact that I think he should have been booted off the show fir his instigation of the whole head shaving incident. I'm happy he gets to come back (Marcel) and compete again.

Anyway, thanks for another FAB recap - you make my day!

SWAK!!!

twunty mcslore said...

I love you too, belle.

Mauricio was really cute kissing the baby. Can we get someone to do a Mauricio mash-up? I may try my hand at it if Mr. McSlore has the time to teach me. Between all the joorey earning and golfing, YOU KNOW *yawn*

Chemgal, I hope that Cam falls through the airplane pooper on her way to Hawaii. Or she could die in a bizarre handicapped toilet stall sanitary napkin waste bin accident. I'm not exactly sure how that would happen. Me and Russell are still in the early stages of our plan.

PC, Oh my God! Leave it to your evil genius to find a way to compare Russell and Toby! Btw, Toby is WAY cooler. I have several friends who have met him and he's really sweet and smart, and as far as I know he hasn't eaten any young women.

Pottymouth! Yay! I missed you.

I have a question. How in the name of all that is holy did you fit 4 bags into a cruise ship stateroom? Are you traveling top of the line Ad-style these days? If so, I'm coming next time. I pack lightly.
Swak back atcha

PottyMouth said...

Twunty, you can come along ANY time as long as you have no objection to being woken up by a five year old crowing "crock-a-doodle-doodle" in your ear at 5 am. Yes, you heard that right 5 AM!

And actually, if I'm totally honest, it was four suitcases (2 regular size, two smaller size), plus my carry on and a back pack carry on for Zach. Storing the bags wasn't an issue (we stayed in a suite which was freaking awesome and has now spoiled me for anything else), but getting the bags from the car to check in was something I didn't think about. Who knew a five year old couldn't carry his own bags???? Luckily a very nice family of four took pity on me and helped. It should be noted that they had TWO bags for their FOUR people. Yes, it's a problem. I guess admitting it is the first step, right?

The visual of a pants down Camille floating by my airplane window could put me off flying forever. That's creepier than the John Lithgow Twilight Zone episode!!

sheesh said...

Twunty I love you!

Ad just needs to ease off the makeup and her natural cuteness will show through.

How embarrassing for Taylor that her husband doesn't even TRY to cover his fucking around, or that he's an asshole.

Was Kim even in this epi?

Cameltoe, although I should be jaded to the delusions of these housewives I am once again slackjawed at her behavior. She has been married to Kelsey for how long and she still acts like her only worth is her slutiness.

I would have thought kelsey would have gotten her into therapy or laid down some etiquette rules.

Maybe that is why they are divorcing. He got tired of her making him look like a punkass within their circle of friends. Shit maybe he has lost friends because the women didn't want them or thie husbands around her.

Anonymous said...

I totally agree about Adriennes' looks. I think she's very striking. Her eyebrows are kinda.... I don't know if they're overarched or filled in a bit to much (dark). But still, I think she's getting 'Guilt By Association-ed', between her husbands job and well, the company she keeps.

You should be aware that many a Harlot over at Tvgasm are attempting to lay claim to your side piece, Mauricio.

skatt

twunty mcslore said...

Oh, Skatt. I'm not worried. I can out-harlot pretty much anybody.

Um,.....maybe not Camille.

twunty mcslore said...

And Sheesh, I'm starting to think that Russell is gay. Did you see how freaked out he was about the high heels comment? Plus, I caught him staring at Paul. Weird. i think he was drooling.

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