Saturday, April 9, 2011

Real housewives of New York City Recap: Bumbling Blundering Artless Wonders

Here we go again! I'm exhausted just thinking about it. Much has changed except for the bile that rises in my throat whenever Jill shows up. I cannot stand that woman. I can honestly say that there isn't one person on any of these shows that pisses me off more, and why is she back anyway? It sure isn't to redeem herself because she's the same exact bitch as last year, perhaps even more unapologetic, if that's even possible!

Let's get reacquainted, shall we?
I have a touch of the plague, along with half of everyone I know, so here goes. Please go easy on me, unlike these hags.

If people can't handle my truth at least they can have fun watching me stick my foot in my mouth!

I thought I had it good before and then I discovered younger peen!

Good or bad, I know I'm a narcissist and I'll never own it

I've always gotten hives but now let's see if I can move on to shingles

I'm living the American dream one mistake at a time, starting with this dress

I have a taste for Luxury. That's the name of that guy I blew in Ibiza, right?

I have everything I've ever wanted, including twins from outer space!

Sorry, but what is up with those high chairs? They look like torture devices from Steve Martin's dentist office. And that dress! It looks like she grabbed a filthy drop cloth off the floor of an artist's studio and had a blind seamstress whip it up.

Yikes, we'll get to her in a moment. First up is Ramona's cocktail party for her new line of Pinot Grigio. Alex and Simon are already there since Simon's never passed up a free cocktail in his life. It's all light hearted good fun until The Wicked Witch of the Upper East Side arrives in her ugliest dress yet. 

Whipped up by one of her fabulous upholsterer buddies, I presume.

It looks like something I made out of construction paper in kindergarten. You know, those paper chains the teacher would make you put together until someone tripped and broke it? I swear that was a lesson in 'easy come, easy go,' but what do I know. I'm on the 'tussin again. 

Simon acts all chummy with her and Bawby and they joke about the trip the Zarins are taking to Australia. Alex stands around waiting for Jill to address the elephant in the room. She doesn't. She wants to pretend like nothing happened and go back to a time and place when everybody still tolerated her. You remember when she tried to sabotage Bethenny's new show? Just a wee misunderstanding. Amazongate- who cares? Nobody remembers that stuff a year later, do they? They sure won't remember that you called Alex ugly, right? No one's going to remember that.

Certainly not Alex

I guess Jill thought all was forgiven after the reunion, though why she'd think that is beyond me. Oh, yeah, it's because she's changed and grown in the last year. I watched her face very closely when she said that and she was lying with a capital L. She hasn't changed! Not only that, but she doesn't think she should have to! Just look at that face, it's so full of sincere contrition!

Yeah, I've changed, now buy my Squeez couture, coming soon to a Dollar Store near you!

She's begrudgingly paying lip service to the whole learning from her mistakes thing because Bawby is getting sick and tired of storing all those Secrets of a Jewish Shrew books in Zarin Fabrics' basement. Product has got to be moved, people! So yeah, she's changed all right. She's got more shit to sell!

Alex invites all the ladies present to The March For Equality, a charity event to bring attention to equal marriage legislation for gays. A bunch of society women are going to traipse across the Brooklyn Bridge in wedding gowns which makes total sense since half of them look insane anyway.

That phony bitch Joni is there which means the conversation gets dumbed down almost before Alex gets her invitation spiel out. Joni wants to march for smaller government! Jill wants to march for running around naked! What the Hell? Do we have some closet homophobes in attendance because why does the subject need to be changed? Awkward, like most of this episode.

Ramona says that Alex should lighten up, and maybe that's true but Ramona isn't the one that was talked over and barely tolerated. No one takes Alex seriously, half of which is her own fault for being socially awkward and the other half is due to constant undermining by Jill. 

Oy. I think that maybe I should lighten up. I'm already pissed! 
The next day Jill is packing for her trip to Australia with Leather. Not for Leather's stellar packing advice but because Jill is a good person that doesn't give up on friends when they go through hard times, you know like starting a new business, relationship and getting knocked up. Jill would NEVER give up on anyone going through anything like that. She would never turn her back on someone going through a particularly bad cat pee incident or a nervous breakdown caused by evil monogrammed tote bags, never!

You just know that Jill is praying that Leather doesn't embarrass her this year. With LuLu and Sonja off being occupied by boy toys, she's pretty much all she's got. They're both stuck with each other, and isn't that too perfect?

Kadooz to you, Kook-A-Doo!

So Jill just lies and lies and says that her friend isn't sick, she's perfectly fine, not dangerous at all. All circuits are in order, no worries here in Kellyland!

Those guards outside everyone's door in the Caribbean? They were all just guys Sonja picked up on her moped excursions around the island, silly, and Kelly had to fly out of there on that tin can the next day because she missed her kids, that's all!

Jill asks her why she didn't go to Ramona's party the night before and Leather says it's because Ramona is all diagnose-y and tailspin-y. Nobody likes to be around that, especially those that need to be diagnosed because they are in a tailspin. Then Jill brings up the subject of Alex, and just like how even the most backwards of children can say the most insightful things out of nowhere, Leather says that Alex just wants to be acknowledged. True, that. And it's not like it's hard, normal people do it all the time, and you don't even have to ask!

Anyway, there's another event tonight and Jill insists that she's going to be nice. She's learned and grown! That fight with Bethenny took years off her life, and she wants them back, dammit, so she's Nice Jill this year!

And, yikes! Not a moment too soon.

And the real reason she aged so many years is because she got jealous of Bethenny. She got used to feeling like she was better than her and got mad when she couldn't anymore. Ramona's right, she likes the underdog because it puts her at the top, but we already knew that.

Moving on to something new and WELL overdo, Alex and Simon have new music! Gone is the hoity classical stuff they used in seasons past to make them seem like social climbers, and now we have some funky stuff better suited to the goofy couple they are. 

If you followed them during the off season, you know that Simon quit his job managing that hotel and he now does something with social media which I assume means that he sells stuff on twitter all day. Don't know, I'm hardly ever on it.

They share a pitifully small office space in the basement where Simon serves her tea and waits for 11:30 and his seven martini lunch. I don't know if he's an alcoholic or not. Hell, I don't know if I'm an alcoholic or not, though I've had my share of loopy hangovers.

But I don't let pink elephants dress me in the morning.

Alex is on the horn with her new modelling agency and when she says that she's 36 I almost choke! She does not look 36. Not at all. I thought she was barely 30! Well, that's what staying out of the sun will do for a gal, not to mention those good genes, and Leather is right. Being a mosel isn't all about being pretty, it's about being photogenic, and Alex certainly is that, so I am not going to snark on her new enterprise.

I just hope she makes enough moolah to fix that tooth.

The pressure is on Alex to bring home the paycheck now since Simon doesn't bring home a steady income anymore. Is that wise? I'm kind of shocked about that move. They have two kids and someone needs to have some financial stability. Modelling and putzing around on the computer doesn't always pay the bills, that's why I have Mr. McSlore, wink wink.

It's time to meet the new girl, Cindy. She's throwing an art show/cancer benefit. She's single and she lives in the West Village which Ramona says makes her very downtown.

Not the part where she sounds like a Drag Queen.

Cindy gets very excited over advancements in the field of hair removal since that's how she makes enough money to keep IVF1 and IVF2 in Burberry onesies and nannies all year. She works with her brother Howie, who is borderline deformed ugly. She's a 110%-er and reminds me of a more successful and saner Danielle. She says she doesn't need a man, mostly because she is one.

The ladies start arriving and it takes Jill less than five minutes to compare her daughters to a dog. I'm sure she didn't mean it that way, but what do I care? She said it! When IVF1 got all fussy over being held, Jill said she was just like Ginger. Long Island's Finest, folks! And Jill, your dog doesn't like to be held by YOU.

Leather makes a completely unnecessary and snide comment about Alex & Simon not being in the market to buy art, and then tops it off by saying that they would come to the opening of an envelope. Well, that's an OLD fucking joke, Leather, and at least that don't snort shit out of them, unlike a certain bullying victim I know.

I am this close to simply ignoring her presence this year. She should not be on this show. If anything she should be on Intervention, or America's Most Smartest Model.

The artist comes out and makes them stick their feet in paint and then walk all over the canvas, symbolizing the absurdity of half of what passes for art these days. If you don't agree with me, that's okay. 

This guy does.

What follows is one of the most awkward moments in an episode chock full of them, as I said earlier. Jill, being Jill, is gossiping about her hostess's advanced age and ability to carry babies. When Cindy approaches her, she comes right out and asks if she birthed them herself, stumbling and bumbling over her words. I think she thought she had to ask since she's grown and changed and saying something behind someone's back and not to their face isn't very nice, and Jill is NICE JILL this year. 

Poor Cindy is equally uncomfortable, as she should be. It took her three years of invitro to get those babies,

And a sex change, to boot!

She needs a brar, too. Jill should hook her up at one of her super exclusive Saks parties. It's the least she could do.

Sonja has a new guy, Brian. He's big, hunky and totally out of his element. I assume he became an artist because he had a passion for creatively living off of wealthy women.

Oops! You picked the wrong one.

He should be hitting on Cindy. She's the one with the bucks on this show, now that Bethenny has left. Sonja is only a couple episodes away from bankruptcy, is she not? Oh, well. She still has all her cushy homes and little black book of aging industrialists, at least for now.

She also doesn't really work, unlike Ramona. She is interviewing girls for an assistant position since now she's not only selling wholesale clothing and HSN baubles, but she has and her newest endeavor, her very own Pinot Grigio. Smart lady, if her wine bill is anything like mine, which I'm pretty sure it is.

She also has no tact, opening those Crazy Eyes and staring down her victims like Hannibal Lector at a Dr. Chilton buffet.

The girls are too timid and sensitive, so what does she do? She decides to give one of them a makeover by saying, "You don't have to be pretty," you just need to look less spotty and Midwestern. Why, you need TruRenewal right this very second, and she hands her a tube of the gunk. Most of these girls, no, ALL of them, would probably rather sling hash at Howard Johnsons than work for her.

Can I go now? I have an interview with Terry Richardson and I don't want to be late.

I guess she didn't get the memo that in order to work for Ramona, you have to be a victim.

And immune to spittle

It's time for a date night so we can get to know LuLu and Sonja's fuck buddies better! Not much to see here, except LuLu may want to get in on the Brian action with Sonja (hello, have you seen her Ross-looking Frenchy boyfriend?), Jacques barks like a seal when aroused, and he ain't no brainiac because he only knows 'too theengs.' 

Aye luff Noo Yulk an Aye luff yoo, Rachel, Aye meen LuLu!

Next up is a trip to The Hamptons with Crazy Eyes. She's invited Simon and Alex to spend the night at her home because they are attending a wedding out there the next day, not because she wants to see Jill squirm or anything, Heavens No!

Jill doesn't know that Alex is attending. As a matter of fact, Jill used this wedding as an excuse not to march across the Brooklyn Bridge for Equality. Yet, she is on the committee. Ramona is loving this. Catch her in her excuses and lies, Crazy Eyes, I'm all for it!

Jill and Bawby arrive before the others and we get an early taste of Spanxx rip-offs to come when Jill complains about hers riding up. She's going to make her own, dammit, ones that don't ride up on flabby asses! We all know how that turned out, don't we?

The Singers and The Albinos disembark and Jill goes into a panic. Why would this bug her so? Why would her heart drop and what does she mean when she says she doesn't like not being prepared?

Fuck, Bawby. I left my Alex list at home!

They all make nicey-nice until Alex brings up how Jill's on the committee and she should be there tomorrow. Jill excuse is that it's an honorary committee, no one on the honorary committee is going to be there! Um, yes, most of them are, actually. I'm glad to see Alex not backing down and I wonder if her lack of hives is due to her Big Daddy sunglasses.

You can't hurt me, Zarinmonster, I'm invisible!

Awkward moment #10. Crazy Eyes is spouting off some 'very serious' story about Cindy's brother Howie, and the cigars he got from a dead guy. I don't get it but for some reason it's totally scandalous, mostly because the person standing behind her is Howie's girlfriend.

And just like that, I'm in love with New York again.

That was AWESOME. No one does inappropriate like Ramona. I assume this is going to turn into a big deal somewhere down the line, and I cannot wait. That lady (Carol?) looks like she could take her on, sending visions of a Dynasty cat fight dancing through my head. 
I wish!

As if! These women are much too passive/aggressive for that. At the reception, Jill just can't help herself as she gives two women her excuses for why she isn't going to the Equality March. She calls Alex a fucking bitch. My, how she's changed. Yes, indeed-y.

She's even more obnoxious than last year

She says that the party is above Alex and she clearly doesn't belong, you know, because weddings on Long Island are SO chichi. Her bitch friend then says that traditionally, it is impolite to wear white or cream to a wedding.

But tie-dye's okay apparently.

By the way, it's probably at least 80 degrees at this reception. What was Jill wearing? Freaking VELVET. Moron.

Alex and Ramona waltz up to stir up more drama because Crazy Eyes made it a condition of her friendship to Alex this season, and Alex asks Jill to explain her contradictions. Honey, don't use logic on a bully. It doesn't work! All she's going to say is, "what does it matter?" thereby belittling your concerns and dismissing you at the same time. You better step up your game. This is not Jill's first time to the mean girl rodeo, and it's FAR from her last.

Besides, Ramona is playing you too. Don't forget that. She is enjoying every minute of this. She gets to stick it to Jill without getting her hands dirty, and it takes the attention away from her own bad behaviour.

Now maybe nobody will give me shit for sticking my finger in the cake.

Well, guys. it looks like this season is going to be good. A bit long at 16 episodes, but good and juicy, unlike Miami and Orange County. YAY! What do you guys think, has Jill changed one iota, and is Alex taking this assertiveness too far? Everybody seems the same to me, it's just the circumstances that are different.

Your Twunt

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