Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: Jockeying For Position

Like in any good horse race, the fillies of Orange County are sizing each other up and trying to maintain whatever position they have while keeping from falling on their faces and having to be shot. It is not pretty. Actually, it's downright UGLY, just like Tamra's wedding dress, and with boxes just as hideous, I presume.

Let's head out to the track and try not to fall asleep on our mares!

Greggy's tits are wonky. I'm not sure how that happened. Maybe Granite decided to use them to play cornhole again. Maybe little Peoria sliced them with her Hello Kitty butterfly knife when she missed her veins last time, or maybe Greggy got a two-fer hatchet job in Tijuana. Either way, she's looking to upgrade for free, so we get to watch. Yay.

She got her first boob job in 1990. No, that's not a typo. 1990, not 1890. Hubby Marble jokes that he didn't know that they performed surgery on children, yuk, yuk!

No, honey. That's how many little Indians you scalped for that weave

Anyway, Greggy has to get new boobs if she want to model again. They are really picky about that at biker chick catalog casting calls. You can't just waltz in there and be Miss February Fatboy Gangbang, you know. Standards, people!

Quartz says that boobs are like pizza, there's no such thing as bad ones. Au contraire, mon frere.

Not when they're on a MAN, buddy.

I haven't seen it happen, so I'm still not convinced that Greggy pees sitting down. Maybe he was born with a micro penis and his parents cut it off and dressed him like a girl to save him later embarrassment and this whole PPD story line has been fabricated to make us believe otherwise. 

Gretchen IS a girl. I know this solely by going on the cheesy story lines she's chosen for herself. No self respecting drag queen would fabricate this stupid dress stealing caper. Most of the queens I know can take one look at you and clock your size. Why doesn't she just introduce her Mom to Kay Sedia? Ta-dah! Done.

But NO, she drags her assistant off to her parent's beach house where they rifle through her closet and pretend that Mom's arrival is imminent, all while Gretchen's car is parked right out front. James Bond, she ain't.
Double oh Bimbo

If that was cheesy, then the next scene at Crackie's house is downright meaty. The kids are over and they are having their first family dinner in months, if not a year. I cannot believe that Michael is 25 and Briana is 23. How time flies! It seems like only yesterday when Crackie was crashing keg stands at Michael's frat and popping up from behind the bushes on Briana's high school dates. Sigh.

Crackie is still really good at ordering everyone around, right down to the amount of minutes she wants her steak cooked. When she says 17, I am aghast. Who cooks steak that long? Nobody, so I'm not surprised when it comes out looking like this-

Ah, yes. Up in flames. I love metaphorical meat.

She's still treating Michael like a child, asking him if he wants to lick the icing bowl and then telling him not to eat anything before dinner. He LOVES that.

How about I go live with Wolfie, huh?

Crackie would have a cow, and you know it. That's why it totally needs to happen. Miss Andy, make it so! Take the money you were going to spend on Albie and Cwistopher Manzo's snooze-arama and give it to the Wolfschmidt boys! Who's with me?

Crackie then tries to get Briana to cover up her ample cleavage which is just flat-out ridiculous. Last week we saw Crackie in all her bathing suited glory and now she's worried about an inch of boob?  Cracks are really starting to show in this family and it's freaking me out a bit because I like her family. I like Donn and both the kids. It's really sad to see that it's just a facade now. Ugh.

I'm not buying it anymore when she says she's so close to her kids. One doesn't come home until after midnight every night and the other wants to move literally a thousand miles away from her. She bitches about them not spending any time together when it's clearly HER that hasn't made it a priority. Donn tells her as much and she gives him those Crackie eyes, like 'Shut the fuck up and go along with me!'

Or I'll give your balls to Tamra.

He tells her that he misses her, they all do but she's working so that they can have a beautiful home which she never spends any time in. That would be fine with me if I was related to her, but what exactly is she doing until one o'clock in the morning every night? I don't know, you guys. This is not adding up, and she only makes it worse by saying that "the kids aren't home, so what else do I have" but work. 
Poor Donn.

It's back to sexually harassing co-workers for you.

I think I care more about her family than she does. Is it her huge ego that is giving her this short-sightedness? It's all about balance. She needs to find a way to love her home life or man up, be honest and admit that it just isn't her bag. She's obviously out of touch with all of them.

She's not the only one without a firm grip on her surroundings, and of course I mean Tammy Sue Bob. She's shooting a NO H8 campaign with Fern, and as admirable as that is, they are going to need all the powers of the photoshop Gods, plus RuPaul's lens greaser to make her look HOT. She needs to forget about vaginal resurfacing and go straight to butt rejuvenation. That thing is gravity's biggest victim.

I'll take pepperoni on mine, please.

It looks like two slabs of burnt pizza dough. How is it even possible to have a square ass? Must be all that cowboy horse crop ass smacking Eddie and her engage in while he's dreaming he's inside Jake Gyllenhal.

I wish she would have worn that apron backwards, but at least I don't have to listen to her as much since they duck taped her mouth over. Yet she still manages to somehow talk right through it: "Does this match my outfit?"

I don't know, only if you're wearing a furnace. You know, cuz you're so HOT?

Fern won't shut up about how sexy and exciting Tamra is. Girl, you live in Orange County! There have to be more exciting and less annoying bitches around

With less obvious boobie scars.

I wonder if that's why Simon would never let her do anything like this. He cares about the viewing public. He doesn't want us having plastic surgery nightmares because of her Freddy Kruger tit job, and where are her nipples? Maybe Fern forgot to spit them back out.

Back in Greggy's world, she's taking little Hackensack and Parma to the modelling agency to see if they're fit to gaze alluringly over their shoulders in Pampers' ads, or giggle all rosy cheeked over Gerber slop. She even brings her Mom along and if her skin is any indication Mama Peg Leg was around when fashion consisted of togas and papyrus mini skirts. She also kinda looks like Anna Wintour after getting a facial transplant from Randy "The Ram" Robinson. 

Goddamn, they don't make 'em like they used to!

Do you know why Greg never made it big in the modelling biz? It wasn't because she only looked good in synthetic Walmart brands, no! It was because she's too short. If she had just been 6 inches taller, she'd be hosting Project Runway, not Heidi Klum! She'd be sporting angel wings and cooking up spectacular Halloween costumes! Why she'd be a supermodel, not a bloopermodel, for shore!

So sad. Instead she's just the stage mother of a child that is no more a model than Mallard is a dressmaker. Little Glastonbury pouts and runs about in her ballerina costume, not exactly inspiring confidence in the owner of the agency. 

Hampstead Heath, honey, look pretty for the camera or we're gonna re-enact Black Swan.

The lady from the agency is also better at dealing with children. When the kids fuss over leaving, she tells Greggy to walk out, they'll follow, and if they don't? They were closer to the nanny anyway. 

Also, help me out here. I thought Greg told Mallard that her daughter was already signed to the agency. This scene was more like an initial meeting that did not go well at all, not for young Berwick upon Tweed anyway. Her Mummy is going forward with her re-entry into fifth tier model-dom, though, and I look forward to her MySpace layouts with much anticipation!

Speaking of models, Daddy's little toilet poser is off at the jewelers getting the stones from her old wedding ring reset into a stunner as a gift for Mom at her 40th anniversary. It's 4 carats altogether and it's a stunner.

And it only cost fourteen blow jobs!

And a couple of scraped knees, but who cares? A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do!

I love the bag she took it home in as well.

As if there were a sad kind!

I'm sorry but shouldn't DAD be in charge of getting his bride of 40 years some fine joorey? That was weird, and the only way I will buy that Gretchen allowed her old stones to be used would be if you told me that Dad paid her for them. I'm starting to wonder if they don't finance her whole life. Once again, something's fishy with Gretchen and it isn't Slade's mood pubes for a change.

It's moving day for Tamra. She cashed the Bravo check and put it towards a new place with enough room for Little Sophie Richter, et al and all of Eddie's old Tom of Finland posters. He's there helping, and I use that term loosely, just as loosely as I use the phrase, 'Eddie and Tamra are in love!'

With Tamra's pink hat!

If he gets any more excited when he holds her, he just might pop a chap strap.

Is he on roids? He's always so stiff and tightly wound with barely controlled homosexuality emotions. His face scared me when they were packing up the garage and he found her old crap from the wedding to Simon.Oh, and PC was right! I had no idea she got knocked up at Prom!

See, Eddie. This is what I looked like when you could still feel my vaginal walls!

He wants her to throw out everything from her life with Simon, her candle, the wine glasses they used to toast their new life together, and even her ugly preserved wedding dress! This does not surprise me.

It even offends my sensibilities, and I'm not even gay.

I don't get it. Why does he care? The woman had a life before he came along and she'll have one after he's moved on to more muscular cougars with bigger wangs. He sure is immature, and he's beginning to sound just as controlling as you-know-who. Boy, Tamra. You sure can pick them. 

He leaves before things escalate into a full-blown argument, and then she puts the Blarney martini glasses in the dumpster.

Ah, yes. July 23, 1998. Back when faux Tuscan mansions were plentiful and you could blame all your troubles on Ryan.

I understand the need to move on, but you shouldn't be forced to make those decisions by someone you only just started to date. What if Little Sophie Richter gets all melancholy one day and wants to see the glasses Mommy and Daddy used at the Veteran's Hall to toast to future short sales? What if nasty cum stained satin comes back into style and Sidney wants to wear it for her 6 months pregnant wedding to Jimbo Junior? You never know is all I'm saying. You just don't.

I'm wondering how much of that bullshit was Tamra caving into the wishes of her younger boyfriend, and how much was to stick it to Simon on national TV again. I don't trust her motives in anything, not after Naked Wasted and certainly not after she trashed Vicki all last year, and definitely not after watching her insane jealousy over Gretchen for, well, ever since she met her. 

Tamra also didn't show up to Fern's citizenship party, which is absolutely shocking! Why? Because outside of Fern, she most definitely would have been the hottest one there! 

Hey, I thought Dog, the Bounty Hunter lived in Hawaii?

This is Fern's old girlfriend. She's a cross between Melissa Etheridge and one of the White sisters.

So now you know why Fern thinks Tamra's so hot.

The ex-girlfriend tries to get Fern all riled up about Tamra not being there by saying, "Well, she could have moved any old time, why today?" It was pretty bitchy of her but she does have a point. Also, let's not forget that Tamra is Fern's connection on this show. If she doesn't show up, who will? That's why we only get about a minute and a half of Fern's party footage and probably why Miss Andy didn't put her in the opening credits. Thanks, Tamra! You are SUCH a good friend!

You know a season sucks when you find yourself almost enjoying the scenes involving the girl that made you want to burn bibles the year before. I'm talking about Mallard, of course, and she's throwing a Botox party at that stupid surgery center she pimps for nowadays. Only no one gets botox but HER since she neglected to inform people about it ahead of time, and they're already 'toxed to their eyeballs.

Look at her, saving money for her bosses already!

Mallard is in desperate need of a fill-up, why, she can almost look surprised or make an expression! Dear God, girl! What are you thinking?

Everyone knows Jimbo doesn't like it when he uses the big switch and you wince.

On the way over, Tammy Sue Bob gave Crackie some pepper spray to help defend her from Gretchen. High-LARIOUS. Why doesn't she have her own show by now? She's a one woman sitcom. She's Lucille Ball with a looser seal and hairier balls! Why, the jokes should write them selves!

The Gregster uses this opportunity to trash Gretchen, saying that she has a negative aura. See, not only is Greggy holistic, and an atrologically inclined hormonally deficient bloopermodel, she's also a divide and conquer kinda gal. She's going to do what it takes to align with Crackie, even if it means sacrificing her friendship of convenience with Alexis.

You wanna be my friend? I got some papers in my car you gotta sign.

She kisses Crackie's ass by telling her how much she admires her work ethic, which is always the fastest way to a crackie's heart. Why, Greggy didn't even flinch when Crackie went through her usual array of Mr. Bean facial expressions and lied and said she wasn't fighting with Mallard. By the way, what is with the timeline on this show? In the first episode you could clearly see Mallard's nose job. Now she's back to her old honker and fat lip!

She must have read the blogs last year, or heard all the smack about Tammy Sue's bunny wrinkles, because she gets those filled up too.

Yeah, I like you better frozen.

In the massage room, Tamra and Greggy are discussing what drugs they used to snag younger men in night clubs. You know, a roofie here, a roofie there. As Greggy is showing off her tucking technique, Fern walks in to tell Tammy that she was upset that she didn't come to her party. She didn't grace Casa Lesbiana with her HOT presence and she didn't help her celebrate becoming a citizen of a country that only grants her partial rights. Since Fern probably isn't feeling discriminated against enough right now, Tamra says, "Hello, Charo!" in interviews. Nice. Why? Because Fern wasn't showing the proper sympathy for Tammy's traumatic move. You should talk, Tammy Sue Clampett!

 You just don't know how hard it is to beard and humiliate your ex-husband at the same time, ya damn lesbo!

See, being a good friend is really important to Tamra. Nobody should EVER question that, NEVER EVER. Just look at her track record! She's the best friend in the whole wide world! She's not used to being talked over or forced to look at another point of view! Can't Fern just understand that Tammy Sue is always right and her feelings matter more? Why,  Miss Andy? Why doesn't she get it?

Fernanda didn't start out angry when they began their little talk, but she sure is now. I think she picked the wrong housewife to be her buddy on the show.

She'd get more air time if she picked Mallard's old nose.

What a bunch of assholes, with Greggy right at the top, and what's with all the basing of friendship on astrology? "Gretchen's a Scorpio, she's full of dark energy." Since when? If she is, she's doing a bang-up job of hiding it!

"Crackie's an Aries, we're meant to be friends!" 
Good luck with that. Crackie's mostly befriending you for dirt on Mallard, I betcha, cuz it sure ain't your bloopermodel looks.

Just when I think that I can't hate any of these women more than I already do, Miss Andy trots out this tranny and proves me wrong. What is the world coming to?

Damn you, Miss Andy! Damn you to Hell!

Your Twunt

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