Saturday, April 30, 2011

Real housewives of New York City Recap: Gibe Talking

Good Lord this episode was wordy! I had to pause the damn thing every 30 seconds to keep up. In all fairness, there have been times where I have had diarrhea of the mouth like Ramona and Sonja, but never on this scale! It's like watching The Women as staged by Eugene O'Neill. Funny thing is, the only person I really prayed would shut up was Cindy. Girl needs to make some adjustments if she wants to get along with everybody.

She could start by putting a bag over her head.

I have to warn you. Some of the opinions expressed in this recap might be extremely unpopular. I was incredibly angry with the way Ramona was treated. Yeah, she has a big mouth. It's still no excuse for treating her like a leper, and Sidney is lucky she didn't end up in the emergency room with a bottle of wine sticking out of one side of her head and a toaster oven protruding from the other.

On to the episode!

Chrissy Hynde's uglier sister is meeting Sonja for shopping and lunch. They barely exchange pleasantries when Sidney informs Sonja that she busted her teeth on some nuts.

Surprisingly, not her own.

She got loaded at the Ramona business award dinner, went home and decided to eat pistachios in the shell  since her beaver ancestors were well known for it. Oh, the shame she must feel since she busted her veneers on them. Beavers have strong teeth that can cut through all sorts of things just like a Ginsu knife! It's a sad sad day in the beaver world. She'll just have to be content with bedazzling them.

They head into Vivienne Tam's boutique where Sidney insists on gluing the veneers back in, right in the middle of the store. Brilliant. I bet it took just as much time to put the teeth in that fancy box and grab the Fixodent as it would have been to do it at home! She wants Sonja to help her.

Ah, yes, Fixodent. It's like I'm married all over again!

My theory is that putting the temporary veneers back on earlier would have robbed her of her excuse to skip lunch, though why she would want to skip lunch at Cipriani's is beyond me. You chickens have any theories? I think it's because she eats like Bucky after a long, hard Winter and she'd rather we didn't see. Or she's cheap and she doesn't want to shell out for what is sure to be a steep bill. After all, she's watched the show before and knows that if you invite someone someplace, you pay. LuLu said so!

They try on dresses that are way too short in Sonja's case and way too ugly in Sidney's. Hers looks like it's made out of purple seaweed stapled to a fishing net. Fugliest Catch indeed. I have the perfect solution.

Throw her back!

They chat some more and Sonja says she wants to broker a truce between Leather and Crazy Eyes, only it'll be more like an ambush since neither of them will know about it. THAT always works! She calls herself an ice breaker but what she really is, is a meddler. Not everyone is supposed to get along, and not everybody needs a lesson in cooking with a toaster oven. In Leather's case, it could be downright dangerous.

Sidney is also having a party, only she's not using it to sell any stupid cooking ideas or business ventures. She did that last week with her hair removal extravaganza! No, she's having a horse themed party out in Quogue, Lon-Guyland. Sonja is going to be in South Hampton and she says that Quogue is too far. It's 8 MILES AWAY. She doesn't have to walk there, for goodness sakes! Wow, she must really like Sid.

She's just being a snot, and why not since Sidney is one too. I loved the 'I don't even come down here for my FRIENDS,' from Sonja, followed by the homeless in the Hamptons talking head snipe by Sidney. The difference is- Sonja says it to your face.

You can't tell if she's looking at you or not, but still, to your face.

At any rate, no booze soaked luncheon full of mogul ogling for her, sigh. But don't feel bad, she won't go hungry. She can always whip something up in the toaster oven!

Out in one of the nicer areas of The Hamptons, LuLu is enjoying her comfy sense of peace and entitlement now that the ghastly renters are gone. She's making le petit dejeuner for Vicky and Frenchy Schwimmer. As they await his arrival, LuLu is surprised and delighted to hear that Vicky likes Jack.

Yeah, in her coke.

They have a staged conversation about LuLu being SO concerned about being in the city so much and making sure that Vicky is cool with school in The Hamptons. Are you kidding? You mean to say that Mom's gone all the time? PLEASE. You couldn't make this kid go to school in Manhattan if you told her they had booze in the soda machines.

No worries, though. LuLu hired a 'Mother's Helper' who cooks, drives and tells them what to do. Kind of sounds like an actual Mom, no? Well, if it's one thing royalty's good at, it's delegating responsibility.

Jack arrives and hugs the ladies. I will give LuLu one thing, she sure looks happy around him. He does have a sunny disposition.

And, look. He brought Jill.

I thought she wasn't supposed to be in this episode? CAMERA HOG, doing tricks and shit. Sheesh!

Down the road in Methapotamia, Kelly is hosting Sonja for a ride around a horse pen. Sounds positively thrilling. It should be a walk in the park for Sonja, who grew up riding bareback.

Only never with horses.

Kelly is nice and patient, communicating with the only creatures she understands, animals. This truly is where she shines, like most mildly autistic people. If only Sonja would have listened to her when she told her to hold the reins in tighter. She didn't, which amounted to giving the horse a free pass to do what ever she wanted, which was to throw Sonja's ass.

Oh dear GOD. I'm usually on the bottom when this happens.

She got back up with only a bruised ego to show for it, thank goodness. What if something had happened to her, what if she hit her head and lost her memory? Who would take care of the starving artists of the world, what would we do without our Gay Icon?!? 

They sit down to talk, and Sonja brings up the Pop Tart party. Leather agrees to attend after Sonja butters her up and charms her like she was one of her gentlemen callers. 

And if you're REALLY nice to me, I'll let you tie me up like this afterwards.

Leather falls for this nonsense without knowing that Ramona is going to be there. This is so stupid. Sonja does know that Leather is insane, right? Why would you set up a looney tune to be confronted with a woman who has about as much of a filter as Jill has humility? She really, truly is losing it this season, and hallelujah for that or we'd all be watching Knight Rider reruns right now.

It's Columbus Day weekend which is a big deal in The Hamptons since it's three whole days to ditch the city and pretend you're landed gentry. As usual, the party comes to LuLu because it's convenient for her. Besides, where else would they go, Leather's? They'd be there for hours trying to find the litter boxes.

The first two to arrive are Sargent Sidney Sad Sack and Sassy Sonja. Sid brings up Quogue again and LuLu interviews that Sonja really doesn't want to go because everyone knows it's passed it's fashionable due date. Sid hugs Sonja and asks LuLu, 'What did my friend say?' Sonja says, 'What friend?' and looks at her like she's crazy.

You look more like my John.

It turns out that Sonja rented her house out for the Fall, which has to be highly unusual. She really must know people. Either that, or there's a really nice brothel somewhere between Sag Harbor and Montauk. 

Sidney tells them about the 'fahm' where her non-birthday party is being held and them makes a lame joke about how Quogue was good enough for Madonna but beneath Sonja. Seriously? First of all, I cannot stand when people bring up their birthday, make sure you know when it is, and then say that they don't like to celebrate it. That is such a crock! If you don't want it to be an issue, don't mention it! Secondly, who cares if Madonna bought a horse there? It doesn't mean she'll be asking you over to trim her bush or inviting you to a Kabbalah prayer circle. It means she wanted a horse, and if she wants to go all Catherine the Great on it, she sure as shit ain't selling the likes of Sid tickets to the show. 

What is it with these women and their references to Madonna? You'd think they would have updated their cultural reference points by now. If you want to go for real snobbery, drop the name Goop.

Sonja and LuLu want to know if it's going to be a kid's party since the wee ones are invited and horseback riding is part of the set-up. She says no, she's just accommodating them as a convenience. Then both LuLu and Sonja claim to have not gotten an invite, with the added bonus of Sonja telling her point blank that she sends all the Completely Bare emails to junk, so maybe that's why she didn't get it. Are they just messing with her? It sure feels like it. It's almost like she's getting hazed.

Sonja continues to interrupt her every few seconds until Sid has to ask her if she can get a word in edgewise.

Yeah, sure. Right after we bedazzle your shaved head and lock you in a room with Ramona.

Kelly arrives and in the true spirit of irony, gives LuLu a t-shirt with a picture of Native Americans on the front of it.

Gee thanks, Leather. I'll wear it to my next casino gig.

She should sing in casino lounges. It's one of the few places left where you can smoke, and God knows LuLu likes her Gauloises.

It was an extra special touch when Leather made completely UN-ironic Indian pow-wow noises as she danced her way into the room. Even Columbus rolled in his grave after that one. She spends WAY too much time around kids. What's she going to do when they get older, join the Girl Scouts? She does love cookies!

She's wearing a necklace that she claims to have designed, so she's still ripping off other people's ideas and passing them off as her own, only she picked someone a little too close to home to steal from. Sonja takes one look at it and says that it's 'so Elle MacPherson in St. Barts.' Oopsy. That was Geeel, THE GREATEST PHOTOGRAPHER IN THE UNIVERSE's wife before Leather. Hahahahaha!!


That's okay. She's not the only one who steals ideas. Look at Alex. She's channeling Leather from last year!

Only slightly less awkward.

Fur vests. It's what all the non-supermodels are wearing. What would PETA-loving Bethenny say? IF they're even still friends. Maybe Alex nixed the deal after realizing that standing next to B made her look fat. Of course, Bethenny makes Ethiopian marathon runners look fat, so the more likely scenario is that they caught Jason and Simon in bed together.

Anyway, Alex doesn't have much to do in this episode but hit her marks like a good little Bravo employee, and then fade into the background. It's just as well. This is Sonja's night, and she is busy setting a world record for most feet inserted in mouth.

Next up, she rambles to LuLu that she throws a Hell of a non-toaster party, unlike the flops she's been invited to lately and she looks right at Sidney.

What! I throw a good party. Joe Perry RSVP'd!

Ramona finally arrives, heads straight for the Pinot Egregio and starts drilling LuLu about being a weekend Mom, when she isn't even that since the kids are smoking and drinking with their friends when it's not a school night. How sweet! 

Just like dear old Maman!

LuLu says that it works for them and who is she to judge anyway? That's rich coming from someone who spends half her life laughing at other people's mistakes and the other half telling them what they did wrong. Oh, and I CANNOT WAIT for Ramona to Tweet those pictures of Vicky partying. It's going to make that bitchface pale on comparison.

Sidney decides to take Leather aside and warn her not to bring her kids to Sonja's. She doesn't tell her that it's because Ramona is going to be there until Leather threatens to ask Sonja herself. I really don't see what the big deal is. What's Ramona going to do, eat them?

NO! They're my only source of income!

Is this Sidney's payback for Sonja treating her so flippantly? It's a bitch move on multiple levels. She implies that Leather's kids should be afraid of Ramona, plus she took away what would have been a good buffer. Then Sidney interviews that she hopes Leather doesn't say anything. Once again, cameras are rolling. It's going to come out eventually that she did this, and it is not going to miraculously work out in the end like a fairy tale, nor will your brother take care of it for you. He practically pees his pants when Ramona's around, as we see later.

Ramona was actually on pretty good behaviour, jabs at LuLu notwithstanding. She even makes nicey-nice with Leather before leaving, saying that she hopes they run into each other sometime in the near future.

Just leave the Meth at home. We don't want any strays on our doorstep.

The next day is the Arf Walk which benefits puppy charities. I really really hope they earmark some of those donations to the Free Ginger cause. You just know that poor dog lives in fear of Jill sitting her size Sumo 2 ass on her when she passes out from the lack of oxygen in her Squeez corset. Have pity, Arf!

Ramona walks with LuLu and gets  very upset when trying to explain to her what happened with Howie and the dead guy's cigars. She compares Howie showing off that he was smoking one to her father having a new girlfriend wearing her dead mother's jewelry. Oh, NOW I get it. 

I'd be upset too, and who knew guys treated their cigars like we women treat our joorey? Maybe Ramona wasn't being an asshole. Maybe it was Howie. I really hope this doesn't turn into the he said/she said type of situation that Kyle's Kelsey comment turned into with Beverly Hills. It's no fun. How can we pick sides?

LuLu tries to be supportive when Ramona starts crying. She takes off her sunglasses and everything! It's really nice of her to give advice too, especially after Ramona's jabs the night before.

Jeez, Ramona. Didn't you buy my damn book?

It's short lived, though, because she interviews that Ramona must have said something pretty awful to be so upset about the situation. I didn't hear her say anything awful, did you? I guess it's logical to assume it, but isn't it inappropriate to say it out loud after someone cried on your shoulder? In any case, she's right that Ramona says stuff and then forgets what she said the next day. Mostly because it's not a big deal to her. She shit talks all the time and unlike Jill, she doesn't keep score cards.

At the same time, Leather and Sonja are walking their dogs on the beach. Talk turns to this infernal toaster party and Leather tells her that Sidney told her that Ramona was going to be there, so she won't be attending. Good, then don't. Who cares? The only thing interesting about that is you just told everyone that you aren't true to your word.

How authentically awful!

She then says that people should be accountable, just not her. Oh, and Sonja will never ever be able to superglue her friendship with Ramona back together.

Mostly because she sniffed it all.

La, la, la! I can't hear you!
Once again, why is this nutjob still on the show? She's so unstable that she can't handle being around a goofball like Ramona? I honestly don't get it. I would love to hang out with Ramona. She's alpha female insanity and she doesn't really mean any harm. People pay for that sort of entertainment. She gets it for free!

Besides, I don't think it's Ramona's responsibility to treat Leather with kid gloves. Like I said, Leather should be gone already, and doesn't she give Sonja a free pass for the exact some behaviour? I guess she has to have someone to dump on now that Bethenny's gone, and Ramona's IT.

The vignette this week involves LuLu's son Noel selling the skateboards he designed. LuLu calls him her 'little entrepreneur.' Okay, sure. 

He's selling a couple of boards on consignment in what looks like a head shop.

If you really want to make money, sell weed.

God knows there are plenty of rich kids out there who would buy it.

Hell, Ramona might even buy some if she doesn't get her Pinot Grigio. She's over at Sidney's in Quogue for the big 4 wheeler nag riding extravaganza. I'd get pissy about my wine too if I had to hang out with that slack jawed bitch. She is undeniably an effort to look at for extended periods.

Drunk goggles, STAT.

Ramona asks for the Pinot Grigio a few times and Sidney says she has it but makes no effort to get it. What a shitty host! This may not be the most popular opinion, but she should have hurdled chairs and flown over tables to get it for her. Instead, she tells her that of course she has it, 'We never mess up.' Okay, so did she have it? These bitches talk so damn much that I don't even know. BAH!

I am beginning to truly dislike this Cindy person. So far she cancelled lunch on Sonja after Sonja went out of her way to meet her, she then broke her confidence about the toaster party and now she's treating Ramona like a piece of Slade stuck to the bottom of her shoe, all while adding nothing in terms of style, grace or personality. I bet she and Jill get along like gangbusters. They're probably related!

Everyone else arrives and Ramona rides the nag for two minutes before realising she'd have a much better time riding Leather. She asks her where her saddle is and Leather grabs Teddy and runs away like Ramona's got a face full of impetigo and is about to smear it all over the poor child. 

Run, Teddy, Ramona has COOTIES!

Ramona then sits at the table where a group of the women are talking and gets treated like a pariah again. Sidney interrupts her when she tries to talk to Leather, by talking about a lunch that Leather's having that Ramona isn't invited to. How fucking rude! Ramona invites her to everything she does. She even tried to make a spot for her at the Mr. Gucci dinner. Oh, and the Ramona abuse isn't over yet.

She must have some form of white wine in her system at this point because she bravely attempt to have a conversation about the cigar incident with Howie without being blinded by his veneers. What is up with this family? Don't any of them have normal sized teeth? His mouth is so big and he pulls his lips back so far it's like the dentist forgot to take out the mouth prop.

Don't bug me, Ramona. I've got Rick Moranis AND Audrey II stuck in here. 

He ducks and dodges her, using his father's presence as an excuse not to talk to her. More bullshit. That old guy was taking pictures of Ramona and Sidney earlier, and I totally saw him cracking up in the background. Old people love other people's drama. Their kids treat them like retarded children and then stick them in pudding stained chairs in the corner away from sharp objects and Lawrence Welk seeking remotes. They're freaking bored!

These people suck. Really. Howie can't handle a conversation with Ramona? He's a grown man! Is he afwaid he might be embawessed by big, bad Wamona? Dude should be embarrassed all right. For being a COWARD.

Sidney finally pulls her away as she gets more and more upset. She tells her why it upset her so much to see him and his chompers chomping on her dead friend's cigars, almost crying again and clearly shaking.

I was so scared, Sid. Have you seen your brother's teeth?!

Good old Sidney tells her that it's up to Carol, Howie's Sidney look-alike girlfriend to decide who to give the cigars to, completely dismissing what Ramona said. That wasn't the point, you dumb man repellent! I don't know about you guys but I would never be so flippant when someone is that upset, I don't care what the circumstances. Unless it's Jill.

Sid's excuse for being a bitch is that she doesn't care what others think when it comes to family. Gee, is that why you have so many friends? 

Howie's right there but Sid tells Ramona that she has to make an appointment with him to discuss it? I don't know who is more immature, Ramona for pressing the issue when she clearly was getting nowhere, or this Carol person for demanding that it not be discussed. Why not? I just don't get it. Why is it such a sore subject? I get that it's Carol's dead boyfriend but she sure isn't the only person that cared about him. Why the Italian widow act? She's moved on with Howie, who I bet is a bit of a prick. We'll see.

I'll see you next week when Sonja reads Sidney the riot act, and Jill returns. I don't know about you guys, but I didn't even miss her! Oh, and LuLu ditches the Indian jewelry

 and sports garden ornaments instead.

Your Twunt

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