Monday, April 25, 2011

Real housewives of New York City Recap: Barely There

This was a strange episode. There were a couple of hilarious moments, but for the most part none of it propelled the story lines further. It really felt more like a 'lost footage' reel, rather than the real thing. We did get to know Cindy a little better and I wish we hadn't. Geez, what a sad sack BORE. Why is she single again? You know, other than the fact that she looks like Steven Tyler with an unhinged jaw?

Oh, and no Jill! She getting a facelift in Australia because the Zarin hate hasn't reached that continent yet. Poor Bawby. I hope he doesn't get overwhelmed beating back all those fans of hers.

First up, Leather and LuLu meet up for pedicures because they have feet and everyone knows that suede boots will callous up a hoof in no time. It's weird that they're friends now. Well, they are neighbors in The Hamptons. I'm sure they bonded when they gossiped over fences and loaned cups of vodka to each other.

They also have marriages to older men in common. NOW LuLu admits it! She sure put up a fuss when Ramona brought it up at The Cancer center. Now that she's boinking a new, younger piece, she's okay with admitting it. LuLu is such an asshole. Things that will never change- death, taxes and LuLu's special brand of hoity BS.

She tells Leather about some stupid 'Wine Connection' event that Jack is throwing where you taste wine and meet men to scare off. Know anybody into social retards?

Because do I have the woman for you.

At a very different meeting uptown, Alex is back to being the normal rational human being we all know and don't hate. She's meeting with Sonja to smooth things over and be ignored some more. Alex says she doesn't want to rehash, let's agree to disagree and move on. Sonja says nothing until the end when she makes up some lie about throwing Alex out because she was afraid that Simon was coming over any minute to mess up her sophisticated FART party with all her chi-chi friends. Oh, NOW she remembers his name? What a crock of shit!

Of course I remembered. It happens to be the name of the Russian John I'm shtupping later.

Scenario numero tres. Leather is meeting Cindy at a seedy little basement bar where the smell of cat pee isn't quite as obvious as it is on a yacht. Poor Cindy had to fire a nanny for looking at her funny!

You don't say..

What's with these bitches getting other people to do fire their nannies? She made her brother do it. LAME, and discourteous to boot! Does he fire all her bad employees as well? Do your own dirty work, lady. 

Leather gets out her phone and shares the fascinating fact that she doesn't want to attend an event where Ramona is being honored because she is incapable of setting aside her insanity and sitting and chatting nicely with rational human beings. She is also incapable of texting without revising the text fifteen times. Cindy had to practically write her regrets for her!

I have this theory about Leather, aside from the fact that she's a spoiled brat that never had to learn to deal with icky situations. We discussed this ad nauseum last year and it's pretty clear that she has some form of autism. Most of us learn social cues at an early age and refine them as we grow up. She still acts like she never got past Judy Blume books and episodes of Little House on the Prairie. Her emotional growth ended there. She really and truly does need an older/responsible person around to make sure she doesn't accidentally end up on Riker's Island instead of Governor's Island, or as she puts it later, 'Gramerdice Island.'

Is Gary Busey single? I think they'd be perfect together, her wonkay tittays and his wonky eyes.

I have really been missing Ramona so I was so glad to see her back this week with another trip to another designer. She walking in a fashion show again, so excited!

Free Crazy Eyes publicity for all involved!

She walks around and Sonja tries to get her to squint a bit more so she doesn't do this-

I say let her do what she wants to do. It worked the first time and provided us all with a gif to end all gifs. It was AWESOME. Sadly, she wan't be as nervous this time because it's a much smaller affair, not the huge event that Brooklyn Fashion Week *cough* was. She blames the crazy eyes on the wall of photographers at the end of the runway even though that's pretty much the way her eyeballs operate, whether she's at the Cleaners or on her fifth glass of Pinot Grigio.

They discuss Ramona's upcoming award dinner and she admits that she was hurt when she found out that Leather declined her invitation. So she sent a mean text back. It said, 'If you can't support me, I can't support you.'

What's there to support? Is Leather doing Penthouse now? Is she writing the definitive book on cooking meth creatively? Is Oui back in print? I would love to hear her advice on picking out vibrators. She's been single so long, she must have quite a collection by now.

The night for Jack's wine tasting arrives and he's looking as donkey fabulous as ever.

You better be hung like one too, buddy.

So that's an upgrade from the old guy HOW? Free wine? Sorry, I just don't see it. If you're going to go for a younger guy make sure he's more than one generation past being related to Mr. Ed.

She seems to really like him, though, and the added bonus is that he's Jewish and the old Count was a raging anti-Semite. Why, he wouldn't even loan them money in third world countries and we all know how he loves to loan shark pretty much anyone.  Oh, and call it being charitable. What a slime. 

But that's a whole other ball of wax. We're here to get LuLu's single buddies Leather, Sonja and Cindy hooked up with some suitable guys that like to guzzle wine almost as much as Alex does!

It's set up like speed dating where the girls stay at one table while the guys play musical chairs. It goes exactly how you think it would, with Cindy rushing the question about liking kids,  

Sonja whipping out her girls

And Leather being authentically clueless.

She finally gets the young guy that Cindy dismissed based on age alone and she asks him what he's doing in New York. It turns out that he goes to Julliard which Leather assumes means he's a dancer because those are the only parts from Save the Last Dance that she remembers, but no! They teach acting and music there too, and our 23 year old wine dater here wants to be the next Brando. So, what does Leather do? She asks what musical instrument he plays.

The world's tiniest violin.

She then makes him stunt act a scene where he tells her he has cancer and then asks her to marry him, which would be perfect if he was 50 years older, terminal and rich. But then Sonja would be flopping all over the guy and that wouldn't be nice. At least we wouldn't have to see another painting by the numbers.

LuLu sees them hug from afar and thinks she's made a love connection. I don't think she was looking too closely.

And myeeee brain will be back in two and two.

I did laugh a little at that scene but I completely lost it at Alex's birthday party. It's being held on Governor's Island on a cold and blustery day. This is the perfect opportunity for Swilling McCord to chug more Champagne which she accidentally dumps on poor Johann's head.

I'm sorry, Johann! Now let Mommy suck on your hair.

After Cindy complains and complains about everything from the weather to the food, she and Leather grab their kids and go, but not before Johann gives her the cold shoulder.

Mommy, why does the old Indian Lady smell like Fluffy?

It's time for Ramona to walk again and LuLu actually shows up because she missed it the first time around and doesn't want to lose a chance to make fun of someone. 

Ramona does fine even though she isn't quite capable of reining in those creepy peepers of hers.

The evening is a success, everyone claps and laughs and it's a moment that could have been so much more, but wasn't. Are the producers slacking yet again, or are these bitches getting DULL? I read that there are 16 freaking episodes this year, when at this rate they could have done fine with ten. Editors, cut the flab!

Scene number who cares- Leather, Sonja and LuLu arrive for a private spa day at Cindy's Barely There Salon of nothingness and stilted conversation. The only fun I had in this scene was drinking because those stupid suede Gucci boots are back-

...Girl, get a Bluefly account already....

And LuLu was clearly uncomfortable with the idea of talking about her lady hair or even being in a hair removal salon.

Then don't go! You don't go to anything else, ya hag!

She ends up getting her pits lasered. Why did she do that? I thought she loved all thing French? If she ever wants to show her kisser in Paris again, she's going to have to get a pit merkin.

I don't care what people do with their body hair. It isn't interesting in the least, so it's kind of fitting that Cindy is so fascinating as well. Once again, I don't get the casting. It's lazy. I never thought I'd say this but couldn't they find an Elsa in New York? Not even one? How about a drag queen that looks like her? That would be cool. This Cindy has the personality and verve of a Ben Stein character, and I just can't get into anything she says or does because it's all so reactive. You know the type. They sit back and judge instead of doing things and making waves. She's the social snoozefest to Leather's social retard. 

Alex had her photo shoot this week, which we've already rehashed. She looks pretty manly, and the photographer keeps asking her to look softer and less dramatic. She looks like a demented fairy and that's fine with me, even if she was channeling the wrong Swan.


We go from Alex's new endeavour to Ramona being celebrated for all of hers. She's getting an award for Celebrity Entrepreneur of the Year from the Women's Venture Fund, a group that helps women start their own HSN empires and Spanx rip-off lines.

Alex arrives in the same make-up and hair from the shoot and everyone makes fun of her, even a certain Sassy Singleton

who has a freaking BOW in hers.

When did everyone start snarking on looks? I thought this show was above that, especially with The Zarinmonster off on foreign shores getting her nose shaved down. These women are starting to act like their less classy counterparts and I am not liking it one bit.

What do I like? That old Crazy Eyes made such a success of herself and that her daughter Avery has become quite the beautiful young lady, even without a title.

Or cigarettes and booze.

Unlike the daughter of a certain snobby French couple. 
Hey, if I buy a title can I go around shitting on people and stealing their money? In that case, call me the Marquise de Muffin Tops. I promise to limit my withering looks to weekends and holidays.

Ramona steps up to give her speech with minimum miss-steps but Sonja talks through half of it, prompting Cindy to, you guessed it, complain about her nonsensical non-sequiturs. Golly gee, why isn't her phone ringing off the hook with potential suitors? You have to wonder!

But this isn't her night, no. This is about Ramona. It's HER night to shine and it's her night to be congratulated for not being a grifter wife or a sociopath narcissist on wheels.

 And I'll buy a case of Ramona Grigio just for that!

And I don't even like white wine!

Tune in next week when Sonja finally finds something she doesn't know how to ride.

Your Twunt

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