Thursday, February 24, 2011

Real Housewives of Miami Recap: You're Not Worthy

What do you do when you have one of the most popular reality franchises in cable history? Do you coddle it, care for it, do whatever is in your power to cherish and protect it? Why, no! You ruin it by hiring a bunch of morons who wouldn't get hired to act in a third tier Telenovella!

We have a rootin' tootin' gal from Texas who sounds like a cross between Little Edie and Christy Cummings, a CUTE basketball wife, a quartet of Latina Spitfires, correction: Spitsputterers, and one crazy old bitch that I could watch all day, only I'm afraid I'll go blind.

On to this abortion, something I know plenty about.

Do these women even deserve new intros? I have no problem when dealing with the likes of a VanDerPump or a Crackie, but it's a struggle to remember anything these women said, let alone anything clever. Can you say DUMB? I think we could pool the amount of all their IQs and still not have enough to order off the dollar menu. Let's start with Miss Larsa.

Cute, that's cute! And hot, hot and CUTE. Did I say CUTE? I did? Sorry, I traded my brain for a Barbie doll. What? It was CUTE! 

And then there's Cristy. They don't get much more fascinating than Cristy. Why she practically sets the beaches on fire with her witticisms and gay repartee!

See this tongue? It's pink and bland just like me.

Adrian went to law school. Someone look that up for me. How did this moron graduate law school?

I am a HOT Latina. I will burn you with the heat from my tedious flirty-ness!

Marysol is the least of our worries here. If it wasn't for her crazy mother, she'd be the one whose scenes we all zone out on.

My mother is the only reason to watch this show. Please don't stare at my lips.

Alexia is a bimbo with a Stephanie Seymour complex. Here's hoping her son is gay too.

Beauty is power, otherwise I'd be handing you a Happy Meal right now.

Every show has a queen bee and this one gets practically shoved down our throats as such right out of the gate. She's another bore who thinks squealing and fawning over the famous can pass for a personality.

I don't care what others think of me. Unless they're famous!

These are the hos and I regret to inform you that it doesn't get much better. Recapping this snoozefest is about as fun as picking crumbs from between seat cushions and then finding that that's all you have to eat. Just as nourishing too! And how is it that two warm climates like Beverly Hills and Miami(ish) could be so different? Does humidity make you sweat your brains out? Does the Atlantic breeze fill your head with cottage cheese? Someone help a Twunt out, I'm disconfuddleded-ed!

Actually, wait a second. In the interest of full disclosure I must inform you, dear reader, that this steaming turd of a show is so uninspiring that it barely even engenders sufficient amounts of hate or love to make recapping it worthwhile. It's like they took all the most boring side characters and gave them their own show. I did notice one little interesting thing, and that is a really bad moment of continuity FAIL.

Scotty enters the boat apres yoga in full daylight..

And greets his wife in the dark!

Now that is some kind of time travelling! Do you think they could have a complicated yet ennui inducing story written about them too? Good lord, Bravo! Not only did you hire a pinhead to cast the show, you hired a crappy editor too? What happened? Did you lose all the good ones after Miami Social?

Here's another pretty site.

Can we not have just ONE Housewives show without wonky cleavage???

Lea loves to throw parties. I bet she throws a hell of a party at the unveiling of the portrait she commissioned of her unfortunate looking son. He looks like Roger from American Dad after they slapped a wig on him.

Lea likes to hob-nob with the humidity immune elite. She loves to put interesting people with other interesting people

None of whom are on this show.

Think what you will about her portraits or her parties, or even about her marriage to William Kennedy Smith's rape defense attorney after she sat on the jury, she is still an annoyingly boring pseudo uber-blonde. 

It's hard to choose who annoys me the most. Cristy's a good pick. She's Cuban you know. They started Miami, those Cubans. They practically invented everything caliente. Something tells me they're not going to want to claim this chick when all is said and done. She's about as caliente as Cream of Wheat.

She is the first to trot out a psychic, though. That's always a good sign, and what? No corpse hair? Step up your game, Crusty! Sheesh! The soothsayer of sun addled dunderheads tells her that she is destined for great things this year! Why, this year? This year is HER YEAR.

It's your year all right, to annoy the living shit out of me.

I tortured myself with re-watching her scenes to figure out who she reminds me of. The way she talks, her 'so what' demeanor remind me an awful lot of White Oprah. I wonder if she's a pathological liar too? One can hope!

Do you know how I know that Adriana is a piece of shit? Other than her putting down the very city she lives in? Other than flirting with every man at the fashion show when she has a boyfriend back home? Other than walking the runway on a dare that she instigated?

She wears the skins of endangered Joisey lemur babies!

She's Brazillian! She loves life! She also loves embarrassing herself, and cheers to that! If she keeps this up I might find my way to keep one eye open when she's on screen. Operative word is MIGHT.

Next up is Cuban Barbie, only she's not a doll. She's alive! She speaks, therefor she is! There is so much more going on there than beauty. She can't wait to show you. She's got so much to's right around the corner.......we're almost there.....


Alexia is what I refer to as the perfect example of God spreading his gifts around. Very rarely do you get a full-on complete package, an Angelina Jolie or a Veronica Webb. Most of the time those who get hit with the beauty stick also hit all the retard branches on the way down. ^ case in point. Hey, it's only fair!

What isn't fair is that she passed her brilliant brains down to her bimbo sons. They are perhaps the most unaware inarticulate shallow children ever. As an added bonus, she's raising them to be cripplingly attached to her and unable to function on their own. Bimbo #1 asks Complexia what grass fed steak is and she gives him a half right/half wrong answer that could only come out of the mouth of someone who comes from a long line of intellectual under-achievers.

But at least they'll be ill informed, they've got that going for them!

She married a real looker, too. She's not shallow! She didn't marry the guy for looks! How dare you even think that Cuban Dawn Doll would stoop to such mundane motivations like looks!

Why, she married him for money, silly!

That's not shallow at all. It's smart, like walking talking people types are wont to be. What else is smart? I know! How about not dancing like a floozy when you have a man at home? Larsa seems to have grasped this concept. Madriana, not so much. She dances, she flirts, she's spectacularly catatonia inducingly outrageous! I swear, if she gets any more tiresomely fascinating, I might chip a tooth nodding out at my laptop!

Someone needs to at least adopt a cute dog with alopecia on this mess.

On to Marysol. Not only does have a mother with a level of beauty not seen since Jackie Stallone, but she runs her own business populated  by female employees.

and Heidi Fleiss

Awful nice of her to give Heidi a job. 

You know what? I have to like someone on this show so I pick Marysol for a variety of reasons. She doesn't know what day of the week it is, her face is half frozen BUT she and her mother single handedly made black turtlenecks the new orange jumpsuit, and you gotta love a gal for that!

Don't hide those lips, baby, set 'em free! (so to speak)

She also hangs out with gay men, always a plus in my opinion, even if she is sorta lying about being anti-plastic surgery. I mean, I'll just give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she doesn't count fillers as actual surgery with a capital 'S.'

Ugly usually is hereditary, you know.

What's that other word that starts with a capital 'S?' Oh yeah. 


Complexia and her oldest bimbo are discussing proper nutrition for future model/actors. She wants him to be healthy and say no to junk food and $600 bottle service at clubs. What does she want him to say yes to? Being micro-managed by a control freak with the brain power of an olde timey metal wind-up clappy toy.

He's 17. But seeing as they live in an international city like Miami, they choose to let their children drink socially. Normally, I don't really have a problem with older teens drinking but why in the name of Saint Giggy would you announce that you let your kid break the law on national TV? Oh well, who cares. He's hot and he makes her melt. Why do you think I let Mr. McSlore get away with murder? Oh right, he's not my SON.

After the most boring vignette of all time, we come to the real reason I am watching this mess, super soothsayer extraordinaire, and God willing, my future wine guzzling buddy, 

Elsa Drunkerelli!

If you want an inkling of how I feel about this woman, try combining a 90 year old drag queen, a Cuban W.C. Fields and an Hieronymus Bosch painting. Yes, THOSE heights of beauty. I mean, look at her! I know that some of you have compared her to a toad, and while I will agree that she does kinda throw off that whole, 'Look. Mom! I made a frog out of clay in art class and put lipstick on it!' kinda vibe, I think her beauty is way more nuanced than that.

Like Charo after a really bad wig fire.

They discuss Marysol's relationship with her younger boyfriend and after Kermit Jr goes on and on with her relationship prattle, all Elsa Mensch cares about is their 'senxual' life.

Oh, you know Mom, he hops on and hops off just like you and Daddy used to do.

Of course, he's a French so we do it while watching Jerry Lewis movies.

Elsa and Marysol hatch a plan to get Felipe to come over so that Mama Seer can look him over and feel his energy or feed him flies, I'm not sure. They giggle over whether or not Marysol's true intentions are to get rid of him and use Mama as a means to do so. Who cares? As far as I'm concerned, she can preside over their break-up or make out session or narrate whatever they decide to do, whether it be licking their eyeballs or subtly fading into rocky backgrounds. It's all good, and nobody better tell me she does weddings too or I may keel right the fuck over and DIE.

Unfortunately, our time together is ever so short and it's back to Lea's house where she's planning another one of those infernal Housewife cooking parties. Quel YAWN.

 Really? Now I'm back to being pissed off by the lazy story lines on this half-witted show.

Lea, Lea, Lea. What a colossal phony. Her expressions make me cringe as her mouth widens and tightens in expressions of bland false hilarity. These are the women you run from at 'events.' The ones that surround themselves with flash and other people's vigor so you don't notice that they are essentially social ciphers. I hope to God I'm wrong about her but if I'm right then I can understand why so many of you couldn't sit through the whole thing. When I watched RHoBH, I didn't even notice the passing of time. With this incarnation, I'm checking the clock every two minutes!

Since we're all clamoring for excitement, how about some chef's hats!

It wasn't interesting when they did it the first time on the OC and it's not interesting now.

Too bad they probably already finished filming because they clearly need ideas. Most of you could come up with a half a dozen or so just in the time it takes to fast forward through this week's blueberry throwing vignette, why can't these bitches come up with better? It's pathetic.

I'm also terribly disappointed that Crusty didn't cut herself on the mandolin. They teased it and teased it like it was going to happen, then nada. I did learn a couple things, though. Number one- Madriana is definitely the nut job basket case of emotions of the group, and who could blame her? The most interesting thing about the girl is that her husband had a second family in Brazil with a 17 year old escort. That is some straight-up evil to have to deal with, so why don't I care? 

I just feel like I've seen it all before and if you aren't going to give me people that I can care about, why bother at all? I will stick around for one thing, though.

Elsa Slurperetti!

Here's a commenting rules refresher for anyone who might not have caught it the first time. XOXO

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