Real Housewives of Atlanta: The Emperor's Old Clothes

Hello fellow Fuck Sluts! I'm back and happy as a clam to be recapping those gloriously hot and messy Atlanta hos! And we've got a new ho, and another on the way! The reality Gods are smiling down on us. Oh, wait. That's Miss Andy, grinning maniacally in his wine sipping chair. What I wouldn't give to whack him with one. Dude is seriously off his rocker, but that's a topic for another day. On to the hos!

Last season was a big old mess. Kandi's fiancee with a questionable past died, more Big Poppa nonsense, you know, that whole 'I'm engaged to a married man' bullshit, the unholy song that Kandi helped Kim foist onto an unsuspecting public, NeNe's search for her daddy, and Dwight getting into everyone's business like he was the sixth housewife, .......and BREATHE. Like I said, what a mess. If I'm leaving anything out, feel free to fill me in. I'm still catching up on last season since this time last year my days were filled with golf and joorey earning. And no, nothing's changed.

Those of you that read my Gasm recaps know that I like to recreate the lady's intros, so here goes-

When I walk into a room, children and small animals run for cover.

People call me a gold-digger, but I'm really just proof that men will fuck anything with tits.

Who put Sheree's head on Marshall Faulk's body?

I have fame and fortune and I earned it by making your ears bleed.

I think my shit don't stink. I should fit right in!

I'm a model, I'm gorgeous and my boyfriend looks like Uncle Remus. (I'm going with daddy issues with this one. Call it a hunch.)

Sheree. She does everything half-assed. She's the queen of delusional pursuits. Last year it was that awful satin-y morass of a clothing line, and this year it's acting! The-uh-tuh! Trudging the boards! Evoking the spirit of greats like Ethel Barrymore and Annalynne McCord! It's her new passion, kids! You have to ask yourself, what's next? Will season 4 include her passionate pursuit of more and more ridiculously designed cakes? She should give up already and become a personal trainer. THAT she can do.

And since when do acting classes come to YOU? She was filmed doing a scene next to the island in her kitchen. That's odd. Maybe there's a resurgence in house calls now since the economy is so bad. People will do anything to drum up some business these days. Hmmm. I'm going to have to ask Mr. McSlore to see if he can get Jared to come to HIM for a change. 

A girl can dream.

So yeah, Sheree sucks, but that doesn't stop her teacher from kissing her ass and giving her encouragement, or wearing a newsboy cap in snakeskin. Please make the Jersey nightmares stop. Please God, please!

"So, after this I'm teaching some poor kid named Gia. Anybody heard of her?"

Sheree brags about never having had a lesson. She just took to it naturally! As a matter of fact, she can totally see herself on the podium holding an Oscar one day.

After she steals it.

You gotta love her. She comes from the 'saying it makes it so' land of never lifting a finger or wasting time on hard work when fronting is so much easier. She's on TV after all, and we're watching. Touche, Sheree, touche.

Isn't it funny how their lives have crossed over into all kinds of media? LuLu has her song, half the women have books, and Kim stopped breaking glass long enough to make it into the tabloids with her lesbian show-mance. NeNe brought a copy over for Sheree to see in between practicing voice projection and hitting her marks.

I have sex so men will bi me things.

It's true, see? 

Meh, it's irrelevant reality fame grasping ploy #238. Hell, even I'll come out of the closet if you buy me some decent earrings and a bottle of Treasure Hunter. Can I be famous too?

I love how Sheree says that she doesn't know if Kim is gay or not since she's never hit on her. Stereotypes are fun. All gay men want to fuck every man on the planet and the lezzies wanna lick all the girls, dontcha know! Isn't that how they are? Oh, and they're child touchers. I read that somewhere. Might've been the New York Post or the Vatican newsletter, I'm not sure. I get those confused sometimes.

Okay, let's take a moment to discuss NeNe's transformation. This is clearly pre-nose job, but what is with that side swept hair?

NeNe Beiber

Is she going to start singing, too? Actually, her voice isn't that bad, unlike Miss Zolziak. She and Sheree imitate the 'Tardy for the Pardy' song and then fall out laughing. I can't say that I blame them and we all know that Kim knows that she can't sing. She's a big old phony just like Ms. Leakes and Ms. Whitfield. She's just better at sniffing out money. She's the truffle hunting piggy of piggy banks, and kadooz to her! Why the hell not? Oh, that's right. HE"S MARRIED.

If his wife hasn't left him by now with all the gossip and pictures of him vacationing with a bikini clad Kim, I'm sorry. Thats on her. You have to assume that they have an arrangement, no? There's just no other explanation at this point.

Anyhoo, NeNe has invited Kim over so that they can discuss the state of their friendship. These two have more ups and downs than Danielle's head after a Vivid convention. That's okay. NeNe has more important thing to worry about, like the fact that her husband hates her.

He's standing around in their new rented McMansion, watching her fret and flit about as she prepares for Kim's arrival. Why is she so nervous? Kim's a moron. Maybe she's afraid that she'll drool on her.

They brought out the bug guns for the royal be-wigged one's imminent presence- a private chef, the good non-boxed wine, and heavens! NeNe's even wearing a gown! She's like a schoolgirl getting ready for her first date. What is up with that?

I thought I already explained that whole bi thing.

Kim pulls up in her Bentley. Sheesh, I should have bought stock in crappy dance songs on iTunes, or does Big Poppa just crap out luxury vehicles when you blow him? My money's on the latter.

By the way, why would you allow yourself to be a guest in the house of the person that tried to choke you? Call me crazy, but that's kinda a deal breaker for me. I'm old fashioned that way. Nipple flicks? You get a warning. Hands around throat? I'll sic Prodigal Cheese on you. I'm not kidding. Try me.

Kim's excuse is that she got so upset and it bothered her so much that she had to forgive her. Why, if she hadn't, think of all the terrible almost-cancer she could have gotten! She already has to wear wigs. What do you want her to do? Move on to merkins?

Greg actually does announce her like royalty, and Kim notices that NeNe wore a gown AND lotion for her. C'mon, now. Lotion? We all know that nobody like to look ashy around an assclown. Didn't your mama teach you anything?

They sit down like old friends, past forgiven and forgotten, as Greg rolls his eyes and says, "This is bullshit." Well, duh. I've said it before and it bears repeating: don't bite the Bravo hand that feeds you. At least NeNe is bringing a paycheck home, even if she does have to act a fool to earn it. 

I don't know, guys. I'm not feeling the Greg love yet. I've read about the sacrifices that he felt he had to make in order for her to become famous, but he's no dummy. Is he? I'll reserve judgement on this one. She can't be a picnic to live with, nor is it fun to be cuckolded, if those cheating rumors are true. ALLEGED. SUPPOSED. Or supposub, if you're a Laurita.

Greg leaves and the subject of Kim's girl-on-girl triflin' comes up. Nene isn't buying it, and when Kim tries to defend herself, she does what she always does. She looks to the left and she looks to the right, classic liar behaviour. Just ask Mr. McSlore. He's the one that taught me that shit, and look for yourself!

And just like that, we have ourselves a new drinking game.

That's right, she does it so much that it's the head cock of Atlanta. Every time Kim lies, you drink. There are gonna be some fucked up bitches reading this blog, you just know it. Just do me a favor. Don't post drunken odes to Anne Rice porn. No one cares that you get off on dildos with horse tails, plus I WILL delete you.

I'm classy like that, just like Kim. She tells NeNe that she was never in love with Tracy the DJ, and then says the truest thing that ever came out of her mouth, "I've been chasing dick since I came out of the womb."

Looked straight into the camera for that one.

Then she says that she doesn't understand why NeNe doesn't believe her when she says that she "went to the other side for a minute." Truth? Should we believe her? The proof is in the pudding. Wait, that didn't make sense. Anyway,

Drink!

Side glances aside, lines like these are why I don't believe her- "Only a woman knows what a woman wants." Where did she pull that line from, some cheesy 70s Penthouse Forum article? That lesbian homily has been around forever. I might buy it if she got more personal, but she doesn't. On second thought, I hope she never gets more personal. I still have that Gawd awful Danielle pierced beefaroni sex tape in my brain. I don't need another.

Okay. I regained my composure. let's look at NeNe's nose job, shall we?

Before..

and after.

It's actually not bad. it looks as though she only got a subtle one, maybe it's a little narrower in the nostrils. It sure looks a sight better that Dwight's. She dishes his, by the way, says he can't breathe properly because his nose holes are too small. That's weird. How does he get at those pesky boogies, a toothpick? That would drive me crazy. Not that I pick my nose or anything. I'm a LADY.

The reason that NeNe brought him up at all is because Kim told her that he's been going around town telling everyone that he loaned Greg $10,000. 

What? He has that kind of money? Well, there IS a lot of hair to be done in Atlanta. He must be charging by the strand, though.

NeNe is not happy. Would you be? This nonsense pissed me off when Crackie from the O.C. told the whole world that Jeana asked for a loan, and it pisses me off now. That is none of anyone's business. Tell her off-camera! Or not, because we wouldn't have the lovely scene at the end of this episode, now would we? Still, if a girl want the world to believe that she's flush, let her. I take no joy in other people's financial misery. It makes me uncomfortable and sad. For a minute. Then we come back from break to a montage of one of Twunty's favorite things, fine joorey!

That's a lot of diamonds. I'm getting lockjaw just looking at them.

It's Kandi time! I don't mind her. She works hard and I forgive her for producing that abortion of a song for Kim. She's cute, like a really adorable Disney character, and she's so animated! I am going to have a field day screen grabbing those wacky facial expressions. Here's a couple to get us started.

And no, she wasn't looking off to the side because she was lying, but drink anyway.

She's visiting Kim at her perfectly lovely townhouse. Not a McMansion, a nice, manageable condo with no unnecessary bells and whistles, if you don't count her closet. That shit is out of control, and a subject for another day.

They chit chat over a spread of food that would feed a platoon of pregnant hippos or the entire world population of fashion models, and we hear that Kandi has a new boyfriend who is in the NFL. Her face lights up as she speaks, and I notice something. She has a habit of talking while she's smiling, and showing all her teeth.

A little something I'm going to have to call SMALKING.

She also has a habit of calling out the other women's bullshit, and I love her for it. She asks Kim why she would befriend NeNe again after the choking incident, and then asks why she did the tabloid article about being bisexual after saying that she wasn't going to put 'that part' of her life out there for public consumption. 

Let me answer that. She only wants privacy when it comes to Lee Najar, silly! Plus, it's all a publicity stunt, and how can you have one when you don't talk about it? That's PR 101 and it's right up there with compliment the dresses of those you despise and envy.

Kim makes some excuse that she wanted to control the information that was out there, and I'll spare you another lying side glance. Why? Because there are bigger fish to fry.

Not to mention wigs to adjust

This is Willis. He's a running back for the Baltimore Ravens. I am willing to overlook the fact that I'm a Steelers fan and not supposed to ogle the enemy because the man is HOT, you know, if you like your men gorgeous and built. It's the simple things that get us through life, no?

He's cocky and I don't care. The two of them climb a rock wall and then sit down for a flirty chat. This is where I regret to inform you that Kandi has a bet with a friend that she can make it to New Year's Eve without having sex. Poor Willis. That sucks. No romantic Wu-Hartwell style bubble baths in your future. :(

But there is light on the horizon because Kandi plays by Clinton rules. Oral doesn't count!

....AAAAAAND we're back in business!

Lucky dog. Plus, she can buy her own joorey, thankyouverymuch. I'd say you have quite a catch on your hands, Mr. Football, at least compared to some of the other hos on this show.

Speaking of hos, Kim is on the computer.

 "A w- t o e....toon......f o r.....b e e  gin...ersss...."

I didn't know that she could read! Maybe her daughter's tutor taught her in exchange for some slutty wigs. Say THAT ten times fast. Pretty soon you'll be spitting and sputtering like an old washing machine,

like Brielle!

That was gross. Painful, really. Did you have as much of a hard time watching that child as I did? 

She is not taking to those braces very well, now is she? As for her hormones, THOSE she is taking a real shine to. 

She tells her mother about some French kid at her school, all googly eyed and metal mouthed. She's practically foaming at the mouth as she tells Kim that she wants to attend International Night so she can see him. She even rolls her r's like Eartha freaking Kitt in a Catwoman outfit.

Apple, meet tree.

Kim is scared. She interviews that she is frightened now that her daughter is dating. That's right, Brielle is dating at 13. Someone's getting a pretty little pink packet of pills for her 14th. I hope, anyway. This is not looking good, especially when Kim says that she hopes she's instilled in her the same moral values that she got from her parents. Doomed, I say.

Oh, and guess where Kim was looking when she said that.

Poor Brielle. If more spittle comes out of her mouth we can start loaning her out to drought ridden countries. She's also particularly good at eating with her mouth full.

Congrats, parental values instilled!

This scene was annoying on so many levels. We didn't get to see French Fabio's visage on Facebook and we have to listen to Kim lecture her daughter on the loose morality of chasing men. Rather, you should make them chase YOU. Until you lose your morals, apparantly. Stuff like that. Well, at least Brielle isn't a whore. She's only kissed a guy, nothing else, and someone get the girl a new tutor. She's in 8th grade and she doesn't know what superficial means. How is that even possible when the embodiment of that word is your mother? It boggles the mind.

Brielle keeps eating ice cream out of the tub and talking with her mouth full as mommy interviews that she wishes that her daughters could have stayed infants instead of growing up so fast. Well, she eats like one if that's any consolation.

I need a palate cleanse. I'm SOL, sadly. 

Here's Phaedra. She's a haughty ass bitch and she's 15 months pregnant with what appears to be a small rhinoceros.

Oh, joy.

She informs us that her name means 'the glowing one' and 'goddess of light' in Greek. I think it's fair to assume that the editors feel as warmly as I do about Phaedra because here's the picture of her, in all her lovely glory, that they show next-

Phaedra, Goddess of Yikes!

She freaks me out a little. Sometimes she looks really pretty and then she'll turn her head and you lose your sight for a minute. I think she's a shape shifter, which makes sense since she's a high powered lawyer. You have to have some pret-ty flexible morality to defend some of the criminals out there, not that I'm accusing her of anything. Time will tell. It always does.

She says that she's a Southern Belle, just loaded up with, "a certain kind of charm" and a grace that mere mortal women from other places, like you and me, simply do not possess.

Whew! Dodged a bullet with that one, eh kids?

Such charm and grace! I don't know what that function was about, but it sure involved a lot of hats, I mean HATS. Isn't that Lisa on the right? She committed a sin worse than child molesting, at least to Bravo. She was BORING, so they fired her. Sadness.

You don't fire the source of the word 'joorey!' It's illegal! 

At least to me.

Anyway, Phaedra's obviously friends with Drama, I mean Dwight, as he was shown escorting her to the podium at some ego flattering event. Oh, this woman is a doozy. Need more proof? I got it.

Obligatory Self-Celebrating Pregnant Photo Shoot.

Her husband may or may not be a criminal, but he is definitely younger than her. She knows that he didn't marry her for her money. How? Why, he signed a pre-nup! Guys with pre-nups always marry for love! That's why they spend their time frittering away your money on nice cars and discretely cheating on your ass behind your back. No, I'm sure he loves her. His name is Apollo. He's a God. They NEVER cheat.

If you close your eyes as she's talking, she sounds like an old lady. I tried it while they were sitting down to a foh grah dindin. It was more pleasant than watching her eyes glaze over as she expained to her husband that they were going to give their child a regular spell-able FAMILY name like Richard or Parker or Seth. He doesn't seem to bothered by it.

As long as little Seth comes with some of that Robot Chicken money, too.

She really, really wants this baby. Juuuuust as long as she doesn't feel trapped by it. What does that mean? I'm thinking that Apollo here is going to be spending some sleepless nights attached at the hip to a baby monitor. It's a small price to pay in exchange for a lifetime supply of free manscaping.

One more thing before we move on to a brunch of cake and lies with Dwight. Miz Phaedra is the attorney to the STAHS. There are pictures of her smiling alongside of Ludacris and Fergie, even President Clinton. That's always a good sign. She's the real deal, folks!

A housewife and a president. Where have I seen that before?

She's meeting with Dwight for fake Champagne and even more fake stories. The subject of fashion comes up and he tells her that he spent over $30,000 on She by Sheree's little couture experiment. 

Okay, that's 10 grand to Greg and 30 more to Sheree. Bitch, I need money! Hand it over!

He just loves to trash these housewives, doesn't he? He's got our poor little Goddess of Little Height in an uproar of polite outrage! Why, he should send a copy of Miss Manners to each and every one of them, highlighting their transgressions for the poor, badly raised fools!

Let's start with lady-like expressions. Pinky raised, of course.

Oh, Dwight. Don't burn all your bridges and then put all your eggs in one rich newbie's basket. That's not playing the odds very well, now is it? Talk turns to NeNe and we learn that both she and Phaedra know each other from Athens. I'm sorry. The Goddess is from Athens? You can't make this shit up, people.

She says that NeNe is not very lady-like and then curls her lips and lowers her gaze like she just smelled a particularly uncouth fart. I smell something too, if you can actually smell a future choke hold from NeNe.

I don't know about you, but I'd be happy to find out!

She'd be wise to just stay pregnant all the time from now on. NeNe would never hit a pregnant lady, right? Oh dear.

She does invite frenemies to shoe parties, which is what she's doing on the phone in her kitchen. It seems that she and Kim are back to  being more fren than emies, at least for time being, you know, until someone starts talking smack behind someone else's back. So, next episode? Probably.

Greg walks in the room with that look of love that comes over him whenever he gazes at his lady fair. Such romance between these two. They're our modern day Scarlett and Rhett, practically! Their marriage blossoms as Dwight's gaylanta rises in flames around them. I bet he could whip up a hell of an outfit out of curtains, too!

NeNe confronts Greg about the loan from Dwight. Why, glad you asked, my little harridan! It wasn't a loan, it was an 'investment,' and it wasn't 10 grand, it was 500 measly bucks. He says that the deal fell through. Okaaaay, so do you owe the guy money or not? 

This Greg is acting shady. He never told her anything, and he borrowed money from HER friend? That is so wrong. He must have been desperate because he never showed any interest in Dwight before. Am I wrong? Help me out here. This is all kinds of weird. 

Are they divorcing? This is not the face of a happy man.

I don't even need to caption it, do I? Ugh. It's like Frank Curtain all over again, but at least NeNe has more than five fried brain cells in her head, even if every last one of them has an agent and the number of a reporter on speed dial.

Vignette time. Oh, how I've missed our vignettes!

Okay....not so much.

Little Ariana is throwing a fit because Mommy won't let her go swimming. I say, let her drown. Kim says that the pool is dirty and she'll get an infection in her vajayjay. Who says vajayjay to a nine year old child? Dear God.

Let's pool our money and send those girls to Borneo. They'd be better off getting raised by cannibals. Perhaps they will come back and dine on old tits for brains too. Win-win, everybody! Moving on.

Have you met Sheree's hairstylist? He's fabulous. I love him. I hope he replaces that trifling Dwight. What sold me on him. Well, a couple of things. When Sheree tells him that Dwight never put a dime into her fashion show, let alone 30 thousand, Lawrence called him an old 'Stunt Queen,' meaning he pulls stunts (lies) to make a living. Plus, his nails match his Birkin bag.

You know me and my love of a good manicure. She should fire him, though. Your hairdresser can't have a better designer purse than you!

Or, for that matter, bigger boobs.

They head off to this so-called designer shoe preview which is what NeNe and Kim are doing as well. They're in a limo together, and it's just like old times. Can someone tell me how NeNe manages to look ten times classier than Kim, on what is probably a tenth of the budget?

Oh, well. Maybe she didn't have time to change out of her work clothes.

Once Kim gets her I.V. in (wine), NeNe tells her that she's trying to get her 'happy' back. She's been having a shitty time of it and she's up to her new nostrils in anger, the blame of which she places firmly at the feet of Greg. It's all because of his lies and the subsequent broken trust.

I'm going to try not to sound like a broken record here but don't most people have rough patches? This is so like the Slurry situation, and just like then, I am not going to be too quick to judge the husband. For all I know, her head is as much in the clouds as hers was. Maybe she wants what she wants when she wants it, and doesn't want to know the messy part about how she gets it. I'd love to know your thoughts on this. 

When Kim asks her if she's still in love with Greg, she says no and then whips out a check and writes it out to Dwight for $500. Uh oh. I feel a room shaking-earthquaking NeNezilla attack coming. Hide the kiddies and turn the stereo up, it's about to get ugly!

Who gon' check this check, boo?

In case you weren't aware, or don't often attend Bravo sponsored shoe shindigs, affairs of this sort invariably take place in hotel suites. I'm not exactly sure why, unless they are located close to emergency medical care in the inevitable event of a housewife blowing her stack. Anyway,

 SHOES!

That's all the joy we will be experiencing this evening. I'm sorry, but this is Bravo, not The Style channel. Things spoil faster. It's the damp, warm cellar of networks. You don't put anything on there unless it's too late and you expect it to go bad anyway.

Apologies to The Actor's Studio. I mean it. Move to HBO or something before things get really bad and Miss Andy books Danielle.

The ladies say hello to the nice lady who is responsible for this soiree and then they trash the entire proceedings, saying that the shoes are SO last season, as she walks right behind them.

Just like you, my dear. Just like you.

I'll be surprised if she's still around next year, seriously. 

It's almost like a game to them, to see who is more above it all since they can't afford any of the sparkly, pretty shoes in the room. They have to justify not buying anything, right? Right.

Dwight and Goddess Light Bright arrive, just as the other ladies stumble out of the bathroom after trashing him. You've entered the lion's den, my friend. One of your own creation.

NeNe, et al bump into walls and glance at the camera, CLEARLY drunk. Then Phaedra hugs NeNe. Someone didn't get the Bravo memo that the 'Lawyer to the Saths' was appearing on the show and NeNe lets her jealousy show by saying that she's surprised to see Phaedra there since she's a plain Jane, and this is clearly an event for FABULOUS ladies of Atlanta.

And I'm not talking about Kim

Whoa. I've never seen butch lesbian-goes-to-the-islands drag before. Give me a minute. 

NeNe's so jealous of Phaedra, SO jealous! Plus, she's pissed because she's with Dwight. She might as well have brought NeNe's high school sweetheart. It's so weird. Almost as weird as the fight of the queens is entertaining.

NeNe refuses to hug Dwight, shoves the check in his hand and then gets in his face like a madwoman. She is scary. Like, crazy scary. If she did that to me, I'd be packing faster than you could say, "concealed carry permit."

Or are they gonna make out?

Don't throw up, Dwight. It'll be over soon. Just close your eyes and imagine Tim Gunn or something.

Is this all about the lies? They're bad but I think that she got REALLY mad because he didn't back down. He tore her check up and then demanded cash. OH NO YOU DI'INT!! He never explained himself, or why he lied, but does it matter? The crazy is back and so am I!  

A big thank you has to go out to all of you that supported me during my hiatus. You know who you are. You have no idea how much that meant to me after I left TVgasm. I was so devastated and you guys encouraged me to keep recapping these nuts, and I will be forever grateful.

A HUGE amount of Love and Kisses to all of you,

Your Twunt