Friday, May 13, 2011

Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: Cheap Tricks

I think I've had it with this show. My attention wanders and I keep waiting for the big Jeana show-down with Tamra that never comes. And I keep waiting. And waiting. Meanwhile, I have to watch Jimbo and Slade be pieces of shit. This is entertainment? For who, assholes and the ignoramuses that love them? Ugh. So, on to one long infomercial YET AGAIN.

Tammy Sue Bob is having drinks with Slurry since Slurry's entire story line revolves around being the person who found out about The Kiss. Otherwise, what would they talk about, how her daughters do drugs at raves now, instead of at dealer's houses? How it's her and Frank's Best Year Ever?  

Tamra blames the whole snog session on being trashed on Brazilian moonshine, which is a joke. If there's anything Tamra knows, it's moonshine, since mama put it in her baby bottle at the trailer park to get her to shut up during Hee Haw. She'd stare at the screen in her flannel onesie, drooling and buzzing and soaking up every frame.

And that's how Tamra's fashion sense was born.

Then she blames it on Fern being so damn hot. She just couldn't help herself. It's not her fault if Fern fell in love with Tamra since Tamra's so damn hot too. It was like some crazy flame to flame experience never before seen in the annals of dumb cougars who can't keep their panties from being around their ankles. She can't help it, so tough shit. She just flirty. She flirts with everyone, dogs, cats, lawn furniture, swing sets, all of which are up her cootch right now.

Ack, the doberman just shifted.

She's not just flirty, she's flippant about it. She could give a rat's ass who it might hurt. She's TAMMY SUE BOB, Epic Hotness Tease Machine! You might as well ask the sun to stop giving off heat.

I cannot wait until she reaches 50 and doctor's can't lift all that saggy skin back up. She'll still be hot, all right, to guys looking to make a quick buck. They can sell her lipo fat back to her as soap, a la Fight Club, only with a higher alcohol content. She could do a body shot of her own body!

Okay, that was gross. I admit it. The truth is that I have to let my mind wander so I'm at least slightly entertained, especially during the colossal meeting of the minds between Mallard and Greggy.

Greggy brings up Jimbo ducking out on her party again. It doesn't make sense because she knows that Jiggly Walrus Dickwads set their own schedules, since she's married to a scamming chode herself. Mallard comes clean and admits that Jimmy Blubbellino doesn't like any of the other women on the show. He's pees his pants over the mere thought of speaking to a real business person like Crackie or a loose canon like Tammy Sue. So, she admitted she lied and she hated to do it but God forgives! I think there are limits to what God forgives, like loan sharking, or treating people like shit your whole life.

Or Greggy's boots.

Did she get those from Leather? They're so Clan of the Cave Bear. Funny, since she could be living in one soon.

Greggy brings up a slight from the past, a diss from Jimbo when he was speaking to Formicah about Lamborghinis. See, Chinless Jimbo has had FOUR to Micah's two, so he knows more about ditching leases and shit. Whatever, this pissing match bores me. Both couples suck and if they can't stop out-Jonesing each other, they should just agree to stop being friends. 

On to Crackie giving Donn the silent treatment. It was awful to watch, also completely vile on her part. If she's mad about the way he acted at the party, she should say something, but this situations are touchy. I should give her some lee-way. Right up until she starts talking about Tamra, how happy she is with Eddie and how every girl needs to be treated with respect. Wow. Donn must be calling her a bitch a lot more than I thought. Either that, or she's a self centered bag of shit. Both, probably.

Next, she spews out another one of her horrendous motivational poster metaphors. This one's about having four flat tires and no spares. Maybe you should spend more time talking to your husband and less time thinking up lame excuses for leaving him. You want new peen, admit it!

Poor Donn. His only reaction is to suggest that they hang out with Tamra and Eddie more. He looks like a man who is searching his brain to find a solution for something that may not have one, and I have a nice little homonym for you to describe his plight.

Something's dawning on Donn

Heading for a split. 
She's an idiot. She wants happiness and fun and all the good stuff, but who will put up with her like Donn has? I bet she got a taste of fame, saw that younger guys would let her buy them drinks and now she thinks she can live out being the popular and desired pretty girl she never was. 'Work hard, play hard' may be her motto, but she parties with an immaturity and pretension that I find unsettling. The only person I can recall her having a normal conversation with, was Jeana. Otherwise, she mostly reacts to other people. She's hiding something, I just know it and I can't shake the feeling.

Actually, she rewrites history, as we find out later. But, first Slade must pack up Retchin's goods for a TV appearance in Texas. They bicker over the weight and the cost of hauling the bags until Slade finally backs down and shuts up. He really has become a visual metaphor, hasn't he? He's her handler all right.

BAG handler

He must have zero self respect left, which is fine by me. I hope he spoon feeds Retchin' too, and wipes her ass, stuff he should be doing for Grayson. Tell me, if your kid had brain cancer, which is excruciating, by the way, wouldn't you get a job with excellent health care? Become a garbage man if you had to, a hospital janitor, then hold fundraisers, walk-a-thons, bike-a-thons, sell your shit on Ebay, ANYTHING to help? He's a piece of shit, and I'm sick of the excuses, which brings me to Slade's supposed Mom.

So, this lady is supposed to be Slade's Mother and she asks him a host of questions about Grayson and why he isn't working. Another website claims she's an actress which is interesting to me.

Since even SHE can't stand him.

That's pretty bad. You have to hire an actress to play your Mom, because your own parents don't want anything to do with you and your quest for fame, and even she thinks your a loser? Guess what, you ARE a loser. 

She asks him what his job actually is, why doesn't he go back to the title business or work for Retchin's Dad?He claims to be in marketing and a job he had just ended two weeks ago. 


I'm pretty sure picking up Gretchen's tampons at the supermarket doesn't count as marketing, ASSHOLE.

Later, they go to Texas to sell her stupid make-up and bags on a local morning show. This actually makes sense to me and may be one of the smartest things she's ever done. Lord knows those Lone Star gals love their stuff extra BIG.

Now she just needs to tone down the tacky.

Like that will ever happen. It was really extra special for Slade to talk some more about his girlfriend handling skills and then call Jo lazy. I'm sure she loved that. Please, that girl is doing cartwheels and high fiving bums in the street, she's so glad she dumped him! Can you imagine the two of them still together? It would be like watching Chaotic, only without all the money and *cough* talent.

Miss Andy has something different in mind for Crackie and Tammy to do with Greggy. He knows that they are only entertaining when they're drinking so he sends them on a tour of wineries. SO DIFFERENT.

Greggy dumps the screaming toddlers on Daddy-Do-Nothing and then hops into the limo with a subdued Crackie and a flirty Tamra. She exchanges chipmunk air kisses with her.

Don't get any closer. That's how the last driver went missing.

They observe how much Greggy sounds like Mallard. That's odd. I never noticed it before, but they both have a slightly low but fast delivery, drop their g's and use big words like, 'starvation' and 'ritalin.' I wonder if Jimbo didn't decide not to go to the party because he was afraid that they might have a power outage and he might have stuck his hand on the wrong thigh and come back up with a handful of ball hair. Oopsy!

At any rate, she tells the other girls that Jumpty Dumpty thinks they're mean and he doesn't want to hang out with them for fear that they'll steal his mojo. He should be afraid. He should be VERY afraid. Crackie could introduce Mallard to someone with REAL money at one of those conventions of hers, and Rhesus Barbie could be picking much more rewarding pubes out of her teeth. I'm all for it.

Instead, Crackie decides to spin her own marriage to Greggy when she asks about it. She claims that there was a three year gap between her first marriag and meeting Donn. Then she goes on to say that she got her tubes tied because she didn't want to bring any more children into a marriage that she wasn't sure was going to work. Okay, believe that if you want to, but I don't see Crackie doing anything that she didn't want. There is no way in Hell that she would have tied her tubes if that was the situation. If Donn was the only one barking about not wanting kids, HE would have gotten snipped, not her! What a crock!

They head off to the winery where they bond over taking beautiful surroundings and turning them into a dog & pony show. They hoot and bray and say stupid shit. Greggy weighs like 50 pounds, so she gets drunk in a hurry. She slips and says something about being on ritalin which goes a long way towards explaining how she stays awake while drinking and eating in that strange slow-motion way of hers. 

How many ailments does this girl have, anyway? She has postpartum depression, ADHD, DDs from body dysmorphia, a probable ED, and is addicted to hormone stickers. Unbelievable! That's a lot, and I haven't even gotten to the F's yet! And don't forget that she's had Jimbo's DNA inside her.

  So, probable VD.

This girl is way more messed up than we think, but at least she isn't hooting out stupid jokes that were old before I got out of college. Here's Tamra's latest- 'Good girls go to heaven, but bad girls go everywhere.'

Except where there's good weaves.

But, wait! They have another winery to go to, and this one is presided over by a Mexican, or a Dominican, or a Puerto Rican, who cares? They're all darkies to Crackie and she says that OUT LOUD after Tamra makes a silly comment about going to the dark side, meaning she's naughty, not shtupping dark skinned men!

Is that really what Crackie thinks about Latin men? She has one point, and one point only. Tammy Sue Bob does seem to have a taste for the hot Spanish people, including her fauxmance with Fern. She should turn it into a business. Orange County isn't that far from Mexico, and plenty of Mexicans want to be Americans.

She can smuggle them over the border in her vagina.

To change the subject, Greggy brings up Crackie's marriage again and cracks appear in Crackie's facade. She says they're perfect in a tone of voice that says that she's poisoning his casserole every night, and then she gets up to leave. Gee, thanks Miss Andy. You were right.

They're SO much fun when they're drinking.

A few days later, Tamra meets with Fern to look at the NO H8 pictures. Now that all the scars and age spots have been airbrushed out of Tammy Sue, they look pretty good, but why is she wearing that stupid fedora?

I'm a guy but I'm a girl, get it? You know you want me..

They talk about the kiss and how utterly clueless Tamra is for expecting it to mean nothing. She says that when straight girls kiss it's no big deal and she assumed Fern would see it the same way. Newsflash, Tamra. Fern is a lesbian and she is not in love with you. Actually, this is a first!

You just turned her straight.

She uses people when it suits her, just like Mallard. It turns out that her assistant Dylan is an unpaid intern who is attending a local college. For what, I don't know. He just started classes and Mallard wants him to skip them so he can stay with her all day, so he can learn about ugly fashion for free! GOD, she's repulsively stupid. There's just no other way to put it.

Dylan applies her make-up and they get down to picture taking so Mallard can get her reward for all her hard work making a QVC killing off of the back's of other people's rudimentary talents. She really sucks at taking direction. She barely understands how to mirror Tal's poses when she tells her to pretend she's running down the stairs. As a matter of fact, she looks downright confused.

Wait, are these 'up' stairs or 'down' stairs? There's no sign!

She figures it out eventually once she starts imagining that her titties are being repo'd and she has to outrun the repo man. I saw real fear, folks. I did! Then she throws on one of Endora's old cast-offs that Tal was kind enough to shorten and twirls her necklace just like the good old Hooker Barbie days, when money was tight and her childless cootchie was tighter.

Jimbo arrives and bosses everyone around. What a shocker. Stick your butt out, straighten up, turn this way, wipe my cum off your cleavage! He's just assertive, though, and bimbos need direction. She's lucky he's there! She's lucky and should be thankful for all his help! He is selfless and giving beyond the call of duty.

He even shows her where the chalk outline will go if she leaves him.

They set up the last shot which involves a smoke machine indoors with fire alarms directly overhead. Yet another shocker when they go off. The photographer tries to turn the machine back on after the intitial panic, because what the hell, the damage has been done, but Jimbo stops her.

Cuz if there's any smoke to be blown, it's gonna be up his ass.

He's a charmer that one, slapping her ass and making her uncomfortable. What is his problem? Was he afraid she was going to spot someone less repulsive by the pool? It wouldn't be hard, so there's that.

I'm going to leave you with a lovely picture from the photo shoot Greggy did as a gift for Formicah for him to fap over as a reminder of her beauty, once she's old and ugly.

Which should be next week.

Your Twunt

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