Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Real housewives of New York City Recap, Where There's Smoke, There's A Liar

Vacation has put me a bit behind on things, so let's get right to it this week. Everyone is doing the same old-same old so that shouldn't be too hard. We have more back stabbing stupidity on the part of LuLu and more lying on the part of Sid. Does that hideous chick have any redeeming qualities? Oh, right. She's handy with a glue gun.

But just a so-so female impersonator..

Jill's back from Australia and she is having lunch with Sonja, LuLu and Leather. She's cheap so she brought them tiny koala clips that Quantas gives you for free. She waited until the other passengers fell asleep and stole one for everyone. How thoughtful! She got a special one for Leather.

It was under a fat guy and I think there still might be a gummy bear attached to it!

It's so exciting to see Jill. She's changed, she's making a fwesh staht! No more toxic gossip and no more mean Jill, The Social Vulture from Hell. Not Jill, no way! Ramona's the one leaving dead bodies all over Manhattan now, Jill says in a totally non-gossipy way as they all gossip about Crazy Eyes.

So, am I to understand from their judgmental conversation about Ramona, that it's only bad behaviour when it's in response to someone else's bad behaviour? Because that's pretty much the story behind everything they're saying, from the Pinot incident, to Howie the prick, to Leather dissing Ramona's event. It's so hypocritical that it's enraging. Good news though. Jill's still a bore.

And she's not wearing GaGa's hand-me-down's yet.

Clearly pre-surgery. Oh, well. The TSA is strict and you want to match that passport photo.

In Brooklyn, it's Frankie's birthday and his parents have gotten him a piano. Before we comment on his weird antics, let's remember, this child is head strong. He has been since the beginning when he told the IQ testing guy that his tests were too easy and then basically called him a moron. I'll cut him some slack because that cracked me up.

Frankie isn't co-operating with Mommy and Daddy's little smartypants display, he doesn't answer their questions, stares off into space and he won't act like a prodigy on cue. Bummer. I secretly love this. What's the saying about acting with animals and little kids? You are bound to be upstaged or humiliated, or both in this case. I think he was just distracted by the crew and grabbing at the mic boom. Alex is simply not that good at controlling him.

But, Mommy! You and Daddy left you handcuffs on the ceiling again.

I will say one thing, I like Alex's hair. She is looking normal and less like the artsy librarian who leaves her house every day without looking in the mirror. Natural is so much better on her. I wish she would quit trying to be pretentious and embrace her inner goober. Then I might like her and stop waiting for Crows to land on her arms.

The meeting that Sidney tried to sabotage is actually taking place in a nice restaurant overseen by a smug Sonja. Leather is there, still insane. She lives in as much of an opposite land as Tammy Sue Bob. 

Really, Leather? You are not trying to rewrite history by saying that Crazy Eyes didn't have your back on Scary Island? You went through withdrawal or had a specious panic attack, then bullied Bethenny like your life depended on it. YOU were the crazy one and you're lucky that Ramona doesn't want to see Act II! 

They make up and all is well until Leather brings it up again, which she will. Get her off my TV, please. She's useless and mentally ill. Besides, I was too busy admiring Ramona's skirt to listen to anything she said. It's the cutest little pleated LEATHER mini skirt!

This old thing? I made it from the skin you shed in St. John.

The next scene is as uncomfortable as the previous one was calm. Sonja invites Sidney over for tea and Champagne and a lesson in not fucking with other people's plans. Oh boy. Sonja better hide all the wood furniture. Actually, she better keep a close eye on everything. We don't know exactly what Sid is capable of  when she drinks and gets hungry. 

I sure hope she doesn't have a taste for luxurious porcelain.

Plus, she faux pas'd and waltzed into Sonja's townhouse and danced with the houseboy! Who does that? Everyone knows you can only dance with the houseboys when they are off the clock and by engraved invitation. Sonja should smack you with her latest copy of Playgirl!

Sid's clearly been caught meddling by telling Leather not to bring her kids to Sonja's toaster party, but she tries to lie her way out of it anyway. You gotta love the flashback. It proves that she did indeed tell Leather that Ramona would be there, like we didn't already know. Sonja says that she's seen girls like her come and go, something bound to happen to Sid since she doesn't even bother to learn the simple social rules of the social circles she wants to enter. 

Sid's excuse for what she did is that Leather was afraid of Crazy Eyes. She was just looking out for Leather, that's all!

So what if she's afraid! It's none of your damn business and stop letting shrill Yentas from the Upper East Side tell you what to do and think! You know that's who is behind this. Good old Jill. How do you go from being friends with someone who got you on the damn show to begin with, to open hostility at their expense? She should have provided the Pinot at her non-birthday party. And she sure as shit shouldn't have called Sonja a bitch in interviews and then asked 'who does she think she is?' for the umpteenth time. You should know by now, Joey Ramone's uglier sister.

She's the bitch that just schooled you.

There is a pecking order and we'd be lying to ourselves if we pretended there wasn't. I'm not talking about LuLu's brand of outdated nobility. I'm talking about making your place in life by respect and earning people's trust. You don't just saunter into a situation and do whatever the Hell you want. If that's how you operate, then don't act surprised when no one likes you but other twits.

She can go sit at Jill's dunce table with all the other lippy good-for-nothings. She lied and interfered, yet Sonja's a bitch? Honey, you are what my Grandma would call a 'pill.' You don't get it and you never will. In the meantime, you just clog up the air space and your only redeeming quality is that you make me want to watch Rock n Roll High School again.

I am trying to figure out why Sidney bugs me so much and Ramona doesn't. I think it's because Crazy Eyes isn't a lying sack of shit. Yeah, I'll go with that.

Plus, I admire her work ethic. She works harder than Crackie on a dirty martini fueled college boy recruiting mission. 

Today she is showing off her new joorey line for a host of friends, including LuLu. She wants women to sell it out of their homes, like Avon, and LuLu seems very uncomfortable with the whole scenario. I don't know why. Everyone seems so nice and friendly. They've all drank the Crazy Eyes Kool-Aid and couldn't be more excited to be there.

See this necklace, Countess? It spells out 'HELP' in diamonds.

That woman scared the shit out of me. I hate the hard sell. I'd rather ask for assistance when I need it and aggressive techniques actually make me less likely to buy something.

That's not LuLu's problem, though. She just likes to put the kibosh on anything anyone does to make money. Have you ever seen her touch any? Have we ever seen her buy anything on camera? Has she ever asked anyone to anything that didn't involve a charity or drinks in her home? Weird, no?

Then she disses the perfectly lovely jewelry by saying that it's just not for her. She only wears Native American inspired pieces.

And Leather's old hood ornaments.

Ramona gives her a glass of her Pinot Grigio which LuLu compliments right before she corrects Ramona's Italian. By the way, which one is it, LuLu, Ven-ee-toe or Ven-eh-toe? I'd love to know since you used both those pronunciations.

She tries to make it seem as though Ramona doesn't know enough about her own line of wine by standing over her and trying to be intimidating. She's got to know something herself by now, since she's dating Frenchy Rothschild, the uber Sommelier of the Loire Valley Kennel Club. She just doesn't handle it in a very classy way, grimacing and interrupting. Then she has the nerve to say that Crazy Eyes needs a crash course in manners after what happened at Sidney Doorstops' Out-Of-Vogue Quogue party.

And I'll send you a copy of my book just as soon as I'm done hulking over you and backing you into a corner.

Has anyone read that book? I need it. I want to compare what she says and what she does and write it all down. I'll call it A Dissertation in Dissimulation, only no one will believe me and I'll have to sell it in the fiction aisle. I just don't get how she can be so clueless. 

Speaking of, Sidney and Leather get each other. They're bound in their fantasy land where Ramona bakes children in her gingerbread house in the woods while Sonja stirs the cauldron in nothing but a cape and tiny witch hat pasties. They traipse through Central Park and share their aversion to people who place friends in pecking orders, something Leather would NEVER do.

Unless they're named Bethenny.

Sorry, there is one, as I said earlier. The only people that bray about the absurdity of it are the ones at the bottom. Just ask Jill, who just so happens to be there walking Ginger without a leash. Run, Ginger. RUN! Dig all the way to China and never come back!

Run into traffic and end it all before she blames her farts on you again!

Poor Ginger. Maybe Jill took her off the leash because she keeps trying to hang herself from the short little solar lights and lower rungs of park benches. She needs to go all gangster and get in a fight with a Wesside rat. This is New Yawk, after all.

Sidney tells Jill what Sonja said about Ramona being at the top of the pecking order. Of course, Sonja meant that Ramona is above YOU in the pecking order, Twat Jotter! Is Sid the Whiz Kid a complete ignoramus, or am I wrong? I thought Sonja was very clear that where Sidney was concerned, Ramona gets what Ramona wants. If Sonja were speaking to Leather, she would have said Jill was at the top. DUH. See, this is what I meant by not understanding the rules. Now Jill thinks Sonja implied that Jill was beneath Ramona which she is.

Jill is not happy. So, what can she do? She's not one to gossip, after all. She'll just make jokes about Sonja and Ramona being alcoholics. HILARIOUS, and totally not malicious gossip, right?

For it to be that, they'd have to be FWENDS.

I really don't think that Sonja is an alcoholic. I think that Sonja is INSANE. She's dressed like a patriotic hooker for a charity baseball game for the ASPCA starring some incredibly hot fire fighters.

FDN WHY couldn't they have asked me?

Not one to miss an opportunity, she lets her skirt fly up, enticing the men with her ass like a cat in heat.

Fantasy 69? More like a sure thing.

Whatever it is that she's got, it works because she gets a hot guy's phone number. Poor Brian the Artist. Whatever will he do? Maybe if he lowers his standards from hot-blooded blue bloods to Dollar Tree looking fuddy-duds, Sidney will sponsor him. Why, he can plot new twat designs for her in his spare time!

Actually, Sonja needs to pay more attention to pushing her goods and less attention to pushing her goods and services. She's having her toaster oven party and invites LuLu and Leather. The only way it could have been less successful would be to wheel out Gloria's carcass to stink up the place.

The food looked fine, sure, but why would you have your food try-out on a village idiot and a bossy bitch who orders you around in your own house? Leather won't remember she was ever there and LuLu won't buy anything! Plus, she thinks plugging your shit is beneath her and you aren't even selling the right stuff!

Silly Sonja, everyone knows Gay Icons only make money by releasing crappy dance singles.

Crazy Eyes decides to meet with Sidney to finagle some tickets to her latest Ramones cover band show, but first she must pretend to bury the hatchet. She already apologised for the scene at the party but that's not good enough for Sid, oh no. She wants to make sure that Ramona knows exactly what she doesn't like about her.

She says some stupid shit about being defensive and being bothered by the little things Ramona says and Ramona just stares at her, never ever giving her any leeway, and why should she? If you were being dressed down by a lying back stabbing ungrateful ass, you would do the exact same thing. Ramona is only showing Sid the same courtesy she was shown. 

Sid pulls out the same tired line she always does, and our drinking game has it's new catch phrase! Every time she barks out, "Who does she think she is?" you better be chugging. Don't let me down here. I also think we should all grow our body hair and put Skidney (typo and I'm keeping it) out of business.

The meeting ends in a stand-off, with Ramona insisting that Sid takes things too personally and Sid being tragically unable to communicate the phony bullshit she passes off as her excuses. Girl continues to get bested by everyone on this show! 

Why even bother trying when you are getting the stare down of stare downs from Crazy Eyes? Maybe she's staring at you like you have four heads because she looks at you and sees ghosts. I know I do.

I see Joey and Johnny and Dee Dee....

Another big meeting is happening across the river between Jill and Alex, and Jill brought gifts!

Totally not intentional bedding product placement.

She must have run out of free koala bears and dug into her co-ordinated crap bedding stash at Zarin Fabrics. I sure hope Frankie and Johnny like acid flash back patterns and cheap scratchy comfortors. They can play forts with them and pretend they're living in burlap sack wallpapered huts in Denang.

Jill rolls out the usual barrage of compliments that she uses to put people on her side. It's so transparent and lacking in finesse. 'If I compliment you, you have to be nice to me!' Oh, well. At least she's not wearing any Squeez KooKoo-KooChure.

She tells Alex that she's a different person and she wants to be fwends again. She's made pwogwess! She has! Okay, not really. She fake cries when Alex tells her the misgivings she has. It's all very civilised and boring. The good news is that my blood pressure didn't spike, and Jill actually let Alex get a word in edgewise. Pwogwess, see!

Jill apologises so Alex has to accept it and keep accepting it like some kind of never ending get-out-of-jail-free card. We'll see. Jill will call Frankie a wild animal again and I'm sure I'll care just as much as I did last time. They call a truce, a detente, if you will.

I'm not going to stab you in the back ever again, Alex. I'll knife you right here.

There is one thing, one little thing that made it all worth watching this visual dirt nap. Jill accidentally outed herself as master-minding Leather on Scary Island. She pulls out paper and has a little bad thought burn session with Alex, just like Leather tried to do in the kitchen on St. John. It doesn't escape Alex, and it sure surprised me. What was she thinking? Whatever it takes to pretend to reddem herself, I guess. Perhaps she really does think she can make us all forget what happened last year. I, for one, won't. No more than I'll forget that Leather is truly dangerously insane and may end up Broderick-ing someone someday.

Next time we get to listen to everyone call Ramona a drunk again, and Sonja too! Don't you just love scapegoats and attention diversion?

What? It's not drinking! It's product research!

Your Twunt

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