Thursday, May 26, 2011

Real housewives of New York City Recap: Hugs to Thugs

So, THAT'S who the thug in the cocktail dress is! I had a feeling it was LuLu, with all her aggressive behaviour towards Ramona. We have talked about how she stands over the poor woman trying to intimidate with her much larger size and glamazon height. Well, this week it got even worse! I think she's still pissed about what Mario said in the Hamptons last year, the whole 'countless' remark that drove her nutty with righteous indignation. I am pretty righteously indignant myself, just for different reasons.

Stop trying to make Ramona look like an alcoholic!

It's a nasty set-up, and if Jill was selling her own line of wine? She's be shoving it down everyone's throats too! What a bag of bald lies these brunettes are trying to sell us. Oh, and by the way, when LuLu meets Sonja for lunch to discuss the trip to Morocco, Sonja drinks cranberry and soda.

LuLu the hypotwit drinks WINE.

Maybe Sonja was just trying to save poor, destitute LuLu some money. Very kind of her, if you ask me.

Of course, Sonja's up for the trip. She's probably already been on Craig's List looking up eligible millionaires and hard-up studs. Please let her get laid in a harem-like setting, please Miss Andy? We need to lighten things up over there at Bravo. Things have been WAY too negative lately.

Later on they call their respective friends, with only one person voicing the kind of trepidation I would have about going to a country where women are third class citizens. They take a back seat to men and nubile boys. I would never go there without Mr. McSlore. No way, no day. Ramona agrees, but she's going anyway. She pretty much has to, with all the stupid 'no drama' and 'isn't this fun without the other girls' talk that goes on with Jill. NO, it's not fun to watch you play word games that my eleven year old niece thinks are childish and stupid.

Since Leather isn't sure if she wants to go if Ramona will be there, LuLu decides to meet with old Crazy Eyes, to do what? Insult her and make underhanded digs and then downright aggressive comments. Telling someone that they screwed up their own party and cheapened it by fighting is beyond rude! What an asshole! She needs to take that meddling attitude and apply it to her kids instead.

Ramona points out that it isn't her place to say so, and besides, Ramona says stuff to people's faces, not behind their backs. Yes, LuLu. You talk behind EVERYONE'S back. All the time. Every episode, including the ones you are barely in. Ramona takes stuff up with the people she has the problem with, and she doesn't try to fight other people's battles.

I was very happy to see Ramona point out the utter hypocrisy of what LuLu was doing. She wants her friends' feeling validated but could give a rat's ass about Ramona's. For some reason, Ramona is not allowed to get upset. She should just sit in the corner waiting for the mothership to return, and rake in all that money she makes from her many endeavours, something LuLu isn't doing, since bitch can't even sing!

At least Ramona picked something she was good at, DRINKING.

You have to wonder if that isn't at the heart of some of LuLu's animosity. I think she's in awe of how everything Ramona touches turns into gold. Bethenny had it, and now Crazy Eyes. How many singles did LuLu sell, and did she sell any in buildings that didn't smell like ciggies and poppers?

What a drag. Both the scene and LuLu. Time for some Sonja!

She has a photo shoot lined up for that toaster cookbook of hers. She's says that she sees herself as a cross between Robin Leach and Martha Stewart, only with no underwear. Time is of the essence, and her hair dresser falls down as he runs up the stairs. Poor man falls flat on his face!

And comes back up with the pubes of half of The Social Register stuck to it.

I love the kitsch of the gown and the toast. It's goofy and having S & M burnt into the toast is also a nice touch. It's totally her, and totally awesome. Those aren't just her initials, you know.

It's just another ho-hum Thursday afternoon.

She kindly invited Leather over to watch and offer her two cents, neither of which she wants or needs. I think she was trying to be inclusive, but it backfires once the gown parts and Leather accidentally gets to see Sonja's snatch. She gets flustered and says that wearing gowns has nothing to do with toasters. DUH, dinglefruitbrain! It's meant to be silly and ironic. 

Leather's all, 'I can't, I just....I don't, it's just......just a huge disconnect.' 

You mean like the link from your brain to your mouth?

She is such a morass of misfiring synapses this year. She's calmer, for the most part, but that's only because she needs to exercise some serious Jill levels of spin control this year, and spin she does.

Sidney invites all the dark haired girls on a trip to Canyon Ranch. I won't even get into what a cunt move it was not to invite Alex. I know why Ramona and Sonja are off the list. They called her on her shit, that's why. What exactly is Alex guilty of? Did she poke her in her man boobs with too sharp of an elbow or something? Does she not wax? Did she kill a bunch of her relatives on a trip to Hoover Dam?

Also, I am sparing you any pictures of Ms. Wax On, Wax Off. She is revolting. Just a question- is there a disease where you suffer from lower jaw atrophy? Because if there is, she's got it in spades. You would need an army of engineers to hold that thing up.

On the van ride up to the spa, Leather tells the other girls that she saw Sonja's vagina, and she's never seen someone else's vagina before. She just posed in a girlie mag full of it. 

Then she talks to LuLu about how it was so darn awful being an isolated single Mom, eating lolipops in closets in The Hamptons while Sea and Teddy learned to read from Kermit the Frog and See & Say. Then, more bullshit spin, this time in the form of claims of abuse at the hands of boyfriends. Really. So, it wasn't you that bruised that guy, beat the shit out of him and scared him to the point that he RAN from your apartment directly to a police station? 

Oh, it must have been your even faker, evil twin, Pleather.

I believe that she's lonely. Plenty of people with mental illness are isolated and sad. Add being a former model to the mix and you have plenty of losers coming after you. She does need someone to take care of her, which Gilles is doing quite nicely, I might add. A loft and a house in The Hamptons? Yeah. The reason she can't find a man is that she has zero social skills. That, and they're afraid of her mean left hook.

She says that she wants a non-demonic boyfriend, yet she lets a serious demon like Jill give her advice and pull her strings. That is proof right there that this girl needs help. I haven't said this yet this week, but here I go again, GET HER OFF THIS SHOW! 

She signed on for the sole purpose of lying and trying to undo all the bad press out there. Not interested. She has no story line and does nothing. Wait a minute, she should be on Miami!

They get to the spa where Sidney gives them all robes with their initials monogrammed on the front. Gee, where did I see that before? Oh right, the evil tote bags from Hell on Scary Island. Funny, Leather has no problem with initials this time around.

They must have told her it stood for 'Kill Bethenny.'

They get massages, participate in a stupid drum class where they have to tell everyone something secret about themselves. I expected Jill to say that she's really named Susan, and for LuLu to admit that she doesn't have an ounce of Native American blood in her, she sucks at drumming so bad. Instead, it's boring and we learn that Sidney isn't as tough as she seems. No argument. She's more rough is all

Leather loves her drum. She should date it. It's made of leather, after all.

And she can beat it all day!

No pesky community service or assault charges that way! It's a perfect match!

They have dinner and I'll spare you the stupid conversation. It's all one big set-up to make Sonja and Ramona look bad, and frankly, I am not interested in whether Leather goes to Morocco or not. Leave Ramona out of it, and GOOD. Don't go! Do not pass go, do not collect a Bravo paycheck! 

A normal person that doesn't get along with someone would avoid them anyway, and if she can't accomplish that on her own, then she should not be hanging out with the likes of these women, period. It's funny, too, because she is so screwed up that she feels more comfortable with women that talk behind people's backs, than those that want to deal with you directly and honestly. 

So, that was the stupid brunette trip. That, and the fact that Jill is afraid of menopause.

and Kleenex

She makes a comment later about how she'd rather pick her nose than do something. Girl has issues with boogers. She's practically obsessed. No surprise since she's such a SNOT.

Back in Manhattan, Ramona is getting her face analysed by a dermatologist. I have to give her credit for having the balls to show her clinical pictures on television.

Mug is a pock marked mess!

On the other hand, Fern Mayo looks amazing! She has such good genes after all, passed down from Mom and Dad

along with a gallon of foundation.

I was shocked to hear of her horrible cleansing habits, leaving make-up on at night and never exfoliating. Then the technician shaves the baby hair off her face. Ick! She probably has a much smaller and prettier face under there, after all the dead skin, layers of Cover Girl and S&M club lube get peeled off. Cheers to that!

Ramona got her neck botoxed. Sonja got her tummy ironed and made a mental note to gang bang the Miami Heat after filming was over. That Sonja, such a multi-tasker!

Our last scene this week is at The Zarinmonster's fake bullying charity of un-ironic misrepresentation. Someone's been listening to their PR firm, that's for sure! If you don't know how completely wrong it is for Jill to create a bullying charity, you probably like LuLu too, and aren't reading this blog. So, moving on.

Fern arrives early to help with the gift bags. I think I saw Jill throw LuLu's CDs and some fabric remnants in there, along with all the Shapries she didn't use at book signings that were canceled. Okay, I got a good laugh out of that one, did you?

It's another set-up in a long line of set-ups to make Ramona look bad. This time because Jill is going to bait her and wouldn't it just be awful for Ramona to look bad at an anti-bullying event? She even says as much to Alex. See, she invited Ramona because it would be 'wude' to do otherwise, not because she hopes LuLu is wound up enough to go bananas on her. Why, no? She would never!

Jill looks like shit, by the way. Her posture is even worse that Alex's, and she makes even the best dress look like she pulled it out of a dumpster behind the Levittown Dress Barn.

Ramona arrives and hugs Jill. It's Jill's event and Crazy Eyes knows enough not to start shit, so they're back to the old Jill-Ramona silliness that we used to enjoy before LuLu tried to make everyone look as ugly as she feels inside, and trust me, it's hideous. That woman is a monster who wouldn't know a real feeling if it slapped her in her noble face.

Ramona and Jill don't fight, and instead agree to discuss Jill's lies on their trip. That's okay. Jill didn't want to get into any fights today anyway. She has LuLu for that!

Straight out of the gate she starts with a dig about not being introduced to Ramona's designer friends. Why?

Because you can never have too many free dresses, Dahling!

One of the hallmarks of a social bully is to make an attack on someone, and then look to the person next to them to affirm what you said. Strength in numbers, divide and conquer and all that. She tries this with Alex, since she's perceived to be weak. Alex stays out of it, thank God.

LuLu is a cheap dress coveting bitch who is hanging over Ramona and won't shut her meddling mouth even though Ramona told her that she spoke to Jill. She's very aggressive, she insults her and does everything she accuses Ramona of doing. It's humiliating in it's lack of self awareness. When she watched this, I hope she cringed. If she didn't, well, she deserves some pretty bad Karma to come her way. A little Jack infidelity wouldn't be out of order here. There has to be more than one African princess, after all.

This is where Alex makes her 'thug' comment and Jill waltzes up and doesn't back her up. Instead, she gives LuLu the old demeaning up-and-down look. 

Jill Zarin, setting up each housewife, one at a time.

That was pretty awful. She got LuLu all riled up about Ramona's rudeness and then didn't back her up when she saw that she was failing! It's okay, though. Jill has another trick up her sleeve.

She tells Ramona that her planner decided to go with Martini glasses instead of her wine in the gift bags. Okay, but then why did she say that the wine was for the auction later, when Ramona was drinking it? Oh, right. Because it's another lie.

The fashion show starts and Ramona is the only one drinking in the front row. 

You would too, if you had to hang out with these bitches.

All the brunettes gossip about it, also in the front row, so which is worse? Ramona imbibing while models walk past, or the freaking harpies across the way being disruptive and catty? And how is this any differnet than Ramona wearing her jewelry or her True Faith t-shirts, or handing out her cream. Advertising, HELLO. Jill didn't let her include the wine in the event, so she did it herself. Leave her alone!

There's a really uncomfortable scene where Crazy Eyes gets the designer's daughter to clear away some empty glasses from her impromptu sales table. Oopsy! See, this is the kind of thing I love about her. Foot in mouth, everyone laughs, move on!

Also, we meet Jill's stepdaughter who we've never seen up until now, since Jill finally has a use for her. The poor woman not only has Jill for a step-mom, but she has a bad discoloration on her face and was bullied her whole life for it. I feel awful for her.

Afterwards we find out that koo-koo-kadoodle Kelly is going to Morocco anyway. Great, and Kadooz to Miss Andy for finding a camera crew that never heard of her.

She and Ramona have a nice little chat, proving that they can get along when Jill isn't meddling. They hug and walk off into the sunset together.

Next week is Morocco Part I. What will the brunettes lie about next!

Your Twunt

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