Sunday, April 17, 2011

Real housewives of New York City Recap: The Medium Is The Message

I was actually going to title this episode 'Getting Others To Do Your Dirty Work,' because Jill Zarin's filthy little fingers are all over what happened this week, even if she barely appears on screen. Suddenly Sonja is a condescending bitch? That makes so little sense that my brain naturally went to assuming that Jill was filling her head with nonsense. If I'm wrong, fine. Either way, Sonja's a big girl. She said what she said and she did what she did, she needs to take responsibility, and most of it was AWFUL. 

By the way, Countless, if you're on a reality show? I'm pretty sure you forfeit your right to claim higher social status. Emily Post said that, I think. Or was it Markie? Who cares? The point is, LuLu does care, when it is of absolutely zero importance.

I must say that this episode got me pissed off. I do not understand how grown women can act like such children with absolutely zero self awareness. The whole class bullshit that permeates the narrative is completely beside the point. People are most comfortable with others in their socio-economic strata. We know that, but how is Alex below all these women that married into money and barely contribute to anything other than their own self-aggrandizement? Her only real fault is that she doesn't know how to argue, and she doesn't understand that getting things done your way is better accomplished behind the scenes when you aren't a good verbal sparrer.

The reason why the Sonjas and the LuLu's of the world act high and mighty to the Alexes is a simple one. It's fear based. When your self worth is contingent on something as nebulous as your seat in the social hierarchy, you live at the mercy of changing winds. At any moment you could lose your wealth, your title, your home, your boy toy, or whatever it is that got you there in the first place, especially when you contribute nothing monetarily.

SO, I'm getting off my soap box and on to the March For Equality!

For some reason Sonja has been chosen to be the Grand Marshall of the March. I didn't even know that Marches had Grand Marshalls. I thought that title was only for Parades. Silly me. Why did they choose her? Because she's so light and air headed and she's a certified gay icon. She has papers and everything!

LuLu arrives at Sonja's townhouse where they will all be getting ready to head downtown. She doesn't bring any gifts to place at the feet of the Gay Icon but Leather does. How sweet of her to remember to buy her way back into the other housewives good graces! See, she's not crazy at all. Wily, that one.

Alex arrives to many a withering condescending look from LuLu. She really has that whole disdainful once-over thing down pat. She must have learned it from the early days when she went from community hospital nurse to Count-nursemaid. Can you imagine how she must have been treated by the upper echelons that can trace their blood line back to Hugenots and Infantas instead of Squaws and moccasin tanners? It must have been humbling, all that bowing and scraping. We must cut her some slack for being such a snot, we simply must!

The only one with her actual gown is Alex. LuLu eloped and Leather's is in a museum along with all the rest of her ancestors fur bikinis and rough hewn tools. Sonja doesn't say where hers went, so I'm going to assume she shortened it to show a hint of her labia for when she and Brian play 'virgin on her wedding night.'

It's all a big hoot and everyone is in the mood for fun and camp except for Alex who has the audacity to take this marriage equality thing seriously. It's like she has actual real friends that are gay or something. Doesn't she know that gays are for witty banter and fun shopping excursions? Take them seriously? What on earth for!

Sonja has the right idea. This day is all about HER. I am so glad she kept reminding us. In the two seconds between the 50 times she said it, I almost forgot she was GRAND MARSHALL. It's so over the top it almost feels like an act, all this thanking everyone for coming to support her. For one thing, if it was such a big deal for her, why was her speech so woefully unprepared? 

Once they get downtown we find out that Sonja stipulated that she would speak only if she was the sole person associated with the show allowed to do so, thereby preventing Simon from giving his. That's screwed up. If anyone on the show is a gay icon, it's Simon, for Pete's sake!

And kadooz to him for hugging his gay friends all day, especially in light of the fact that he knows people speculate about how he likes his penis buttered on an almost daily basis.

An argument ensues, if you could call it that. Alex tries to get Sonja to say the word and let Simon speak. Even LuLu tries to explain to Sonja that it's not about her, it's about marriage equality.

 Leather stands around looking uncomfortable since she can't hear herself think over their cross words. Plus, the only conflict she likes is the conflict over chefs vs. cooks, as we already know. I keep waiting for the book to come out. I'm dying to know all the finer points.

Jill arrives along with Ginger and her old face. Alex thanks her for coming and asks her if she was asked to speak. This escalates into a pre-emptive attack on Alex where Jill accuses her of picking on her. Oh, Jill. Shut up and let your canine Kleenex go to work. Nothing you say is relevant and you're a lying hag. Does constant jealousy and bile give you cancer? No, she probably causes it. 

I wouldn't be surprised if she was more radioactive than Chernobyl.

Poor Ginger. You don't have much time.

Just in time for Sonja's speech, it starts raining, and not men, Sonja! What a terrible speech. It's clearly not her strong suit and probably why she didn't want anyone else to speak. Simon would have blown her out of the water. Hell, Ginger could have done a better job!

That travesty over, they join arms and march across the Brooklyn Bridge with Alex leading a chant for equality. I noticed that LuLu looked unhappy, probably because she was stuck at the wrong end and didn't have anyone to whisper insults and jibes to. Bitch, work harder! Who do you think bought your stupid single? That's right, those gays you are supposed to be marching for.

Ramona is conspicuously absent. Not a huge fan of the LGBT community, that one. Does she even have any gay friends? I never really noticed until now that she doesn't. How is that possible for someone who has one foot in the garment industry and the other in a jewelry line? 

They all end up at Simon and Alex's boudoir townhouse to pop Champagne corks and let Simon finally have his say. I think he's already a bit drunk because it doesn't quite come out the way he meant it. It was something about how his life would have been so much different if he fell in love with an Alexander instead of an Alexandra, like he did. Sonja makes some shitty comment about being confused about his sexuality because of his clothes.

Spoken like a true Gay Icon!

Alex takes Jill aside and tells her that they need to talk at some point. Everything is perfectly reasonable. All is fine and dandy until Frankie comes out in Daddy's sequined jacket and Alex sarcastically tells him not to climb up anyone's legs. Then she chugs Champagne. Ugh, just ugh. I hope she doesn't turn into a lush this year. It doesn't make you any prettier and she isn't all that model-pretty to begin with.

 What is Cindy up to this week? Not much. Wearing a knit poncho and leg warmers circa 1975 and rehashing the wedding with her brother Howie. I still don't get the big deal about the dead guy's cigars. So he was good friends with Ramona and he dated Carol, Howie's present Cindy look-alike girlfriend. Once he died, Carol gave Howie some of his cigars. So what? I wish I could say that Cindy was going to stick to her word and stay out of it, but that would be a lie, as would be saying that I care.

 What I do care about is Brian's painting of Sonja. The rough sketch is just that, ROUGH. Judge for yourself. Is that Sonja or Sonja's corpse?

She isn't terribly happy about it but it's the risk you take when you ask the wrong artist to feed your ego. Dude is fucking you for patronage, not because you're so beautiful! Please! You look old in the picture because you have old features. You're cross eyed and you have a witchy nose and chin. 

If you wanted a Botticelli, you shouldn't have gone to Picasso's retarded brother.

Later on she meets LuLu for lunch where they trash Alex. That's the bad news. The even worse news? 

 LuLu broke out the taupe and turquoise again.

She laments the death of the drunken luncheon and they order wine served with a side of No Respect from Alex. How dare she treat them like Rodney Dangerfield! How dare she try to climb to their heights of the social strata without bowing and scraping at each rung! She's too aggressive and she should just shut up. Unlike, say, a Jill who is equally aggressive and half as cultured. Um hmm.

 I think I liked Sonja better when she shut up more.

By the way, Alex has every right to get pissed at thses two bitches. They proved her right at that lunch. LuLu even brought out her own version of Leather's 'I'm up here, you're down there,' speech.

Not at the March For Equality, NEVER at The March For Equality!

These two are superficial scumbags clinging to a hierarchy that is not only barely tolerated these days but out-and-out shunned. Flaunting some kind of perceived social status and demeaning someone for daring to have a differing opinion is just downright ugly. Besides, Alex acted the way she did because you don't listen to her. You dismiss her like a fly buzzing around your head. No wonder she gets pissed!

Yuck, and it doesn't get much better at the Gucci charity dinner. Ramona bought a table and invited everyone except Leather. That's okay because a gummy berry wielding fairy Mr. Gucci himself invited Leather, so she don't need your stinking table, Ramoner!

She arrives with Sonja and then sneaks around the door guy while he's temporarily blinded by the dual sight of her giant Smomp and Sonja's cross eyed flirt and crotch grab. Ramona finds out that Leather is there anyway and she tries to make room at her table for her. No need, leather isn't staying for dinner. They refused her request of cookies and meth cassarole, so she's gonna go hit up the first cat pee joint she can sniff out.

But first she and Sonja trash Ramona. See, Leather can't be friends with her because she's so much older. I mean, 7 years differnence for her is like 49 for you and me, you know! Then Sonja backtracks and blames Scary Island on Ramona's menopause. What the?

 Who is this person and what has she done with my Sonja?

Leather is still insisting that the other women bully her. So why are you back on the show? Leave! Go to sleep!!! Seriously, why is she back? Is she Miss Andy's drug connection or something? I just don't get it.

She says hello to Ramona and then calls Joni Pocahontas before taking her leave. Charming. And you wonder why people don't want you around.

No, look at Leather's. It inspired all the best of Mr. Gucci's purses.

Alex already told Ramona what happened at the march and now it's her turn to ask Sonja what happened. She said the same crap about not appreciating the lack of respect for her Gay Icon status and how it better not happen again or she's going to smear her name all over Soho and Williamsburg. 

She'll never eat with bad artists again, by golly!

Whatever, Sonja. You officially suck as a person. You were so much more likable when I didn't know you half as well. I also didn't need to know that Leather has eyelashes growing in the corners of her eyes, but Cindy needed more air time so they discussed it at the park. Spare us, Bravo. 

Now, if you told me she waxed her chest hair and hooves, then I might be interested.

Sonja is finally throwing another art party in her townhouse to honor bad art and provide her with an excuse to write off her living space. Brian's there, of course, as is an art groupie who races past Sonja and squeals like he was Ringo or something. Gee, how many benefactors does this guy have?

I hope you get a better painting, lady.

Alex arrives, and she forgot to change after playing Spanish Inquisition with Simon again. She would have been better off in a suit of armor after the argument she has with Sonja, and is she pregnant, or does she have the worst posture ever?

See, Sonja wants her to apologize obsequiously and when she doesn't, all Hell breaks loose. Ill spare you what was said and get right to the nitty gritty. Alex can't make a point and move on. Sonja yells and ignores, especially after pretending not to know Simon's name didn't have the desired effect of putting Alex in her place and keeping her there. 

Sonja keeps yelling at her to get some manners while she's the one that's yelling. Meek little Alex chases her around sayin, "excuse me, Sonja. Excuse me, Sonja," and not getting a word in edgewise. Someone teach the poor girl to make her point, then agree to disagree. This is just annoying and it gets her thrown out of Sonja's house.

LuLu and Cindy arrive just as Alex is leaving. "She doesn't get it." "But I've been so gracious!" "She didn't even bring a gift!" Those are just a few of the things that are said before the big unveiling. And here it is,

 'Sonja In A Towel in a Bad Thomas Kinkade Painting.'

Cindy says that she'd break up with anyone that painted her like that and I'm inclined to agree. But, honestly, it suits her. It's just as much of a false rendering as her persona was last season. If this is the real Sonja, I'd rather not have seen either.

Tune in next week, for scary modeling, speed dating, AND

The return of the suede boots!

Remember, you have to drink every time she wears them. Stock up on your preferred cocktail mixers now!

Your Twunt

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