Friday, April 1, 2011

Boil The Bags

Why didn't they just call this show Cooking For Dummies, or skipped the cooking premise altogether and follow Elsa as she drinks her way through Miami-Dade and Broward counties? Half these women barely tolerate the other half and as for Phillipe and his boil-a-bag salmon? If I want something nasty and fishy, I'll go read Goop.

Once again, what you didn't miss on Real Housewives of Miami, after the jump.

Elsa is in the first scene, yay! She trekked on over to Mary's house to look at the wedding pictures. She's a vision in pink, all the better for hiding those White Zinfandel stains!

Love her socks, too. 

Dat Dandy deent send mee no flowersss, he sen mee sockss eeenstead!

She tells Mary that she looks like royalty but that Phillipe looks like the hired help, which Marysol basically treats him like, so whoopdeedo. We get our first talking head interview from the delightfully beautiful Elsa as she discusses how she's too old at 99 1/2 to want grandchildren.

That's okay. You'd just scare them away anyway.

Peter got his first magazine spread in an article on up and coming Future Coke Dealers of America! He looks AWESOME for someone with the intellectual temperature of  a big bowl of Gazpacho.

He and Mami Complexia 'ooo' and 'ah' over his foray into the only job suitable for little boys that hurt themselves playing sports. I'm not joking. I'm starting to think that this 'shy' boy not only busted his shoulder, but is heavily concussed. He can barely string five words together! But that's okay. No one minds dumb boys as long as they're beautiful and don't break anything while they're banging you.

Later on she takes him to Next Model Management where they sign him to a 2 year contract. She's super happy since he will probably make enough to pay for college. Huh? I didn't know there was a university degree for rent boys! What do you suppose they teach, pool cleaning in thongs 101 and mastery of naked feather dusting? 

Actually, that would be awesome. When Mr. McSlore dies, I am auditing the shit out of those classes. Hell, I'll TEACH. For trade, of course.

Complexia also throws a nice graduation party for the dumb sap and we get to see her devotion and love and blah blah blah, look! It's an old photo of Peter and a donkey! Wait, what kind of school did Peter graduate from?

I hope that's not his teacher!

God, I hate Larvae. She's having a trunk show for charity. What charity? All I know is that it's not The Adriana Private School Fund that Lea was going on about. I think that this is more along the 'Larsa Gets A Discount If You Buy A Ton Of Crap' charity.

Crusty confronts Madriana about her comments last week and then proceeds to act like a jealous bitch over her and Lea. This girl oozes pathological covetousness, from Madriana's thinner body to Lea's wealth and connections. I think the only reason she's friends with Larvae is because she's an even more pathetically shallow bitch that she is.

Madriana acts like the nutjob she is and struts around in a tiny bikini and hat, much to the chagrin of the Ugly Stepsisters, Crusty and Larvae.

Look at me, I'm Brazilian! We love to dance and wear hideous hats!

Oh my God, I hate that skinny bitch! Not everything's about looking good in a bikini! Now please agree with me while I eat my way through this buffet.

She and Larvae's third tier sidekick act all high and mighty when Madriana walks over to glance at the spread of food. She walks away without eating anything and they trash her some more for 'ruining' Larvae's pathetic luncheon. Oh, Crusty. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. All that head bobbing and rapid fire insult spewing is NOT attractive, my sweet, but eat up if it makes you feel better! 

The Grapes of Crass.

Mad and Fred take a hotel vacation. How romantic. They put mud on each other and she brings up the ex again as a way to get him to marry her. She's SO subtle about it, it's like watching a great master of acting, an Ingrid Bergman or a Meryl Streep. 

"Fred, my love. What does the guy say before he put that ring on the finger here?"
"Ummm, I don't know, Adriana, will you marry me?"
"I do!"

They have sex in the shower and then she gives him the lamest lap dance ever, complete with her ass smashed against the bathroom door's privacy glass.

Tamra, is that you?

How does Fred repay her?

With a sailing trip to Miami's Three Mile Island, of course!

That sand was nasty. I don't care how many towels and blankets you lay down on it, it's still going to drive me crazy, like the Princess and the Pea. Anyway, Fred tells her to set the date and he'll marry her conning ass and even adopt her brat. She must have something going for her. Other than stripping like Rose Nyland, that is.

It's Marysol's turn to throw a cooking party and it's worth it just for the ten hours it takes Elsa to get from the elevator to the guy holding a platter full of wine glasses.

Marrrpeeee! Ayyyyeee matsched myyyeeee dressss too dee roh-say ageen!

Larvae and Lea are off in a corner talking about her and her psychic gifts, which Larvae thinks are bullshit. When Lea suggests that they find their own card reader, Larvae insists that they dress up like poor people just to fool with the reader because everyone knows that only pretty rich people get told good things, while the ugly poor ones get told to work on their education. 

Oh. Dear. God. I am beginning to understand why this stupid bitch didn't show up to half the publicity events.

And then we'll ditch on the bill cuz that's what poor people do. Cyute, right?

Mary comes over and this smug bitch tells her that she wants her Mom to read her. I SO wanted to smack her in her face when she completely ignored Marysol's wishes and insisted that Elsa read her. Shades of crazy Allison fill my head as Elsa tells her that she has worries when it comes to men. Oh, please God! Let us have a Kelsey Grammer cheating story redux! PLEASE.

Elsa refuses to elaborate since this isn't the time for personal business. I thought that was pretty classy of her, unlike this cooking lesson of Phil's. The other girls arrive and he shows them all how to boil bags of fish and throw some garnish on it to make it purdy, and then they sit down to eat.

It's not the dinner party from Hell but it does prove that Larvae doesn't respect her elders at all. She won't shut up after Elsa tells her that she's emotionally immature. What she does is so much better. She interviews that Elsa was attacking her since Ms. Pippen is so much younger and cyuter than everyone else.

If you don't shut up, old lady, I'm going to make the same faces as you all night, ONLY CYUTER.

I don't know how that happened but I managed to grab a picture of her with Elsa's exact expression. God must be plotting her downfall as I type. Here's hoping that someone injects mashed potatoes into her face too.

Larvae can't be emotionally immature because she's 'so much more stable than anyone else!'

Girl, take away Scotty Pippen's money and what do you have left? No compassion, no charm, no nothing. You are as emotionally mature as Makenzie from Toddlers and Tiaras, only without the personality. If she hadn't been so overbearing maybe she would have heard Alexia trying to explain that she lacks the experience that comes from having lived through hardship, so she's lucky in a way. 

Nah, she's a bitch. She totally deserved it when Madriana lied and translated Elsa's Spanish to say that she'd be poor in ten years. I also didn't mind when Lea laughed in her face. It just goes to prove that you can like the unlikable for a moment when there's someone worse around. I'm looking at you, Bethenny Hoppy. The difference is that I'll remember who Bethenny is this time next year.

These bitches I'll forget tomorrow.

What a load. And why should Marysol make her mother stop talking about it? Larvae was straight-up asking for it, literally! She's the one who HAD to have a reading. Some people are too stupid to live. I've said it before. but we need to put half these bitches on You're Cut Off. They need to learn a thing or two about humility, especially in this day and age.

The next day Elsa doesn't want to talk about the dinner. She calls all the women stupid and retarded, a bunch of 'Miss Nobody's!' LOVE her. Then Lea calls Larvae 'an unsavory chick.' Good! At least two people on this show aren't afraid to speak their mind about her. Not Crusty, though. She's over at Larvae's telling her she should invite Elsa over to her house so she can get her husband to insult her.

Which he already did by paying for her Ed Farty bikini.

If you need any more proof that Larvae is a female Chode, I don't know what to tell you. Once again, no wonder she doesn't show up to the press events. She basically said that if you're ugly, you don't deserve to have an opinion. Then she says that she'd invite Elsa, only her husband isn't used to being around ugly people that don't stare back at him in the mirror.

Wow. I hope she's calling real estate agencies in Borneo because she just outed herself as being viler than Cameel ever was. Do you think she'll show up at the reunion? Right now I'm doubting it, especially because what she says gets worse. She insults Marysol for getting married so quickly and she says all this right in front of her kids. 

You know, it's no wonder she can't keep nannies around. How are her kids going to listen to them when their mom is busy trashing them within earshot? It's fucking gross. I hope every nanny agency blackballs her. Maybe she can get her bitch of a mother to move into the basement like Tree did.

This shit is finally almost over and it ends with Lea punking their spoiled asses with a 'hats and gloves' cooking trip to a lesbian organic farm! It's a two hour trip in a huge limo with each of them bitching on the ride up while Lea plays dumb about where they're going. This is Lea's payback for having to hang out with their sorry asses and deal with their childish drama. Good! I'm starting to like this Lea.

They meet their chef, Michelle Bernstein and they take a walk with her and the organic farm's owner to pick flora and fauna, and try out the sapphic sampling of herbs.

What, no peniseraniums?

It's no surprise. I mean, look at the tour guides.

I made this skirt from cunnilingustranious humpaflora!

It's freaking hot, the bugs find them tasty and Larvae won't shut the fuck up about it. The moron also asks what 'harvest' means.

It's a waistcoat for pirates, ya dumb twat.

Crusty thinks it's funny, and everyone else gets the joke except for, you guessed it, Larvae. They pick at their wormy salads and then she threatens to have another God-awful cooking party where she'll invite Elsa along with her nanny firing mama since her own mom is an even bigger bitch. Nice. You just called her centuries year old, elderly goofball of a mother, a BITCH. I think we have our new Marie Antoinette, folks, and I have to agree with Lea, I'm not going to miss a single one of these hos, except 

theeeeese weeeeeetschh!

Good riddance to bad trash!

Your Twunt 

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