Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: Cowardly Lyin'

The housewives sure can throw a dinner party, can't they? They eat, chat and respect each other about as well as The Huns respected enemy women. Yes, I just compared the gals to rapist barbarians, and why not? They rape my ears and eyes with their stupidity every damn week!

Formicah and Greggy are each getting ready for their big exclusive party for their closest friends that they've known for two months. Greggy by tucking and spackle-ing, Formicah by choosing one out of a few hundred pairs of jeans.

Where do you live, The Gap?

Actually, they might be, now. Foreclosure's a bitch, and it sure likes to latch onto other bitches.

Greggy interviews that she hopes there's no drama. Yeah, right! Me too. I'd just feel awful if someone said something out of turn or drank too much. God knows we don't need anything like that on Bravo! 

Somewhere in another part of town, Retchin' is getting her roots done by Victor. They gossip over whether Eddie will be there bearding for Tamra since no man in his right mind would actually want to date a real life cantaloupe in heels, especially one with the hole on the outside, sucking up all their NASCAR posters and Coors mirrors and whatnot.

Talk turns to Slade since he was in the news that day for being in arrears in child support. This is one of the reasons that Retchin' won't marry Slade. He needs to get his shit together since poor Retchin' doesn't appreciate how it reflects on HER. That's right, Retchin's the one that's been dealt a hard hand, not THE KIDS. Talk about being thick-headedly self-centered. At least she's honest about it? I'll be honest right back. She is looking REAL purdy today. Who does she remind me of?

For the best car insurance rates in town....

Tamra's getting ready, too. She's at Eddie's locking the closet and shutting off lights. Thank God she puts tanner on those piano legs of hers. I would hate for her to be mistaken for one of Liberace's Baby Grands.

Though it might get Eddie to actually touch her without puking.

She tries to prepare Eddie for meeting Crackie, but how does one do that? You might as well explain what it feels like to take actual crack. They arrive at the Crackhouse where Donn serves them drinks.

To getting our women Naked Wasted, and leaving them by the side of the road.

Crackie comes out and gives Eddie the once-over and says, 'He's got the muscles, let's see if he has the brains too.'

Just keep them away from Greggy.

They all share a big laugh over Slade having to go to court regularly and show proof that he has applied at different jobs, then Tamra makes a comment about McDonald's not hiring. 

Is she reading the blogs again? I'm pretty sure everyone made that joke in 2009. Hell, I probably did! Whatever, as long as she cracks herself up.

Lord knows she's the only one.

The party's beginning and Gretchen's the first to show up. She didn't come with Slade because Slade's a coward. She says that she doesn't want him to have to deal with the mean girls but let's face it. He's a loser with no balls.

Instead, she came with one of her gay friends, Jack. Yay for him. I hope he's like her Palm Springs buddies, and he's ready to call her 'hot;' thereby bringing value to their lives.

We all know she ain't getting it from Slade!

He looks like Joachim Phoenix. I sure hope he doesn't like to perform fake rap too, though I'm all for perpetrating a hoax. 

Retchin' compliments the decor, saying that it's done-up 'eloquently' since 'elegantly' isn't a word. Smart, that one. Then she compliments Greggy on her surgery earrings, saying that  if joorey was the pay-off, she'd stick gravy in her tits too. I don't know if I'd bother, Retchy.

Do they sell fine joorey at homeless shelters?

In the limo, Crackie's tourettes pops up and she asks if Jimbo works, at least six times, like a broken record. Everyone finds it highly suspicious that the Bellinos are always moving and driving different cars. That's the life of a grifter for you, moving from cheat to cheat. If Alexis wasn't so freaking stupid and saw him for what he is, he'd be on a new model of wife by now as well.

Eddie says that Jimbo's source of income is a secret, a code Donn says they'll try to break tonight.

I got a clue for ya, it isn't WORK.

Back at the party, Mallard arrives without Jimbo. What the? Like Retchin,' she's brought one of her gay friends, Dylan. He looks like a cross between Charlie McCarthy and Peter Lorre.

Still prettier than half these bitches

Mallard's excuse for not bringing Jimbo is that he had a business dinner. Boy, is she a shitty liar. She babbles on and on, flipping her head about as Greggy voices her consternation since everyone knew about the party a month ago. Could it be that Jimbo was nervous about seeing his old paramour, Greggy? So weird that they used to date. I wonder if she and Mallard share old war stories and compare notes.

 No, Mallard. You do an 'M' sound when you blow him, not an 'O.'

The real reason Jimbo didn't come is that he's a coward just like Slade. He doesn't want to answer any of those annoying questions about how he gets away with not paying for homes by incorporating the ownership and then declaring that company bankrupt. I don't know why he should be embarrassed. I'm sure Formicah would be grateful for any advice he might have.

Almost immediately, Mallard runs back into the house to text her hideous walrus faced husband.

911, my lips are falling off again

Crackie and Tammy Sue Bob arrive late. Astounding. Greggy informs them both immediately that neither Slade nor Jimbo is attending. Now it's Crackie's turn to look flabbergasted. Warning- huge run-on sentence alert. 
What a coincidence that both men wouldn't want to be at a party where their personal lives would serve as cannon fodder for a couple of bleached bitches with double standards on what is and isn't personal and off-limits for discussion. Maybe they're off fighting to see who wins Male Asshole of the Year.

In the girl's case, it's a tie.

The party begins with a performance by Jessie, Philly's answer to Sade, and Eddie, who is lip locking FOR HIS LIFE. PDA overload!

Don't make me pay extra for tongue again, Eddie

I spared you a screen grab of the actual kissing. Living through it once was more than enough.

Jack tells Gretchen that he wants to call his madam and see if Eddie's on the rolodex, insinuating that Eddie is less than sincere in his adoration of Tammy Sue. How awful! Really, shame on him, that was totally inappropriate and just plain mean. And totally worth it for the look on her face alone.

Not enough.

Tammy is outraged! She tells Crackie who has the sense to not say much, and then Eddie, who could care less! And why should he be? Escorts are nothing if not discreet.

and you brought the money, right?

Donn asks Retchin' where Slade is and then laughs when she tells him that he's at home with his boys. Ick. I didn't know Donn could be such a jerk.

He then whispers to Crackie and Tamra that Retchin' looks like the lady from The Munsters. I'm not sure if he was referring to Lily or Marilyn, but it was a pretty shitty thing to say with her sitting right there. Then he compares Mallard's date to PeeWee Herman. Huh? Who the Hell is he to talk?

He's sitting with Babe and a Gremlin

Mallard is still missing her puppet master so she's heads off to the head to cry about it. She's gone for 20 minutes and then she AND Retchin' disappear. It's just as well. That way she doesn't have to listen to Crackie's lecture on business practices, or Formicah insult Dylan about being PeeWee's stunt double.

Drunk and rude, what else should we expect? I sense a bit of homophobia on Formicah's part. I think that's the reason behind his next comment. He says that he would never let another man escort his wife. Well, duh.

You're the only one with the zombie antidote!

I am honestly starting to feel badly for Greggy. Her guests keep getting up from the table and insulting each other.

And then laughing like retarded seals

Is Tamra related to LuLu's Frenchy boyfriend? They both guffaw like they're getting a dental exam and the laughing gas just kicked in. It freaks me out.

In the bawling bathroom of bullshit, mallard is still bewailing her missing blubbery hubby. 

Honey, you're one WITH him.

Tammy Sue Bob is itching for Naked Wasted Part II and want to go spy on them. She asks Crackie to come with her.

Are you having another Prom baby?

Tamra listens at the door while Crackie sits at a nearby table, clearly trying to rise above stirring up drama (eyes still rolling from that one). Tammy Sue Bob looks like she's going to have an orgasm over Mallard's pain. The poor child is just not used to being on her own!

..except on play dates, shopping, getting manicures, meeting with the dress designer..

Please! She's really crying because of the financial problems they are having, and Jimbo's probably making it worse by trying to control her from afar. He's no doubt been texting her all night to make sure she says the right things and doesn't blow his cover.

So, now all FOUR women are away from the table. Poor Greggy has to leave the table to find out what the Hell is going on. She tells Tamra to use the bathroom upstairs and then asks Mallard to either compose herself or leave. I agree WHOLEHEARTEDLY, and that does not make me a hypocrite for what I said last week about Ramona.

Mallard was in that bathroom for a long ass time, for one thing. For another, she already had a shoulder to cry on in Retchin.' Now she needs Greggy to join the pity party? Uh-uh. NO. Ramona got emotional for five minutes, tops, and that was at a casual affair. This was a sit-down dinner prepared by a well known chef. Mallard should have left, plain and simple.

Everyone finally sits down, sans Mallard, for the main course. That's right, all this drama went on BEFORE the main part of the meal was served. No wonder all the women are so thin.

Toasts are made to each other, happiness and the longevity of their relationships. They talk about their kids and Tammy makes a dig at Slade by saying something about good Dads, then calls Slade 'Slimey' in interviews. Stolen blogger joke number 562, folks.

She goes on to say that she met a 43 year old woman that was on her 9th kid, and Tamra wants to have one because Eddie wants one. Crackie flat-out tells her she's not having another kid. the whole idea really does seem a little far-fetched.

They'll have to keep it up there with bungie cords and staples!

 Revelation time. Donn didn't want kids 16 years ago when he married Crackie. Now he wishes he had. Crackie says that he just didn't want one with HER. Where did that come from? It makes no sense because who else would he be having kids with if they were married? Then she says that he didn't want to commit to her, even though he raised her two kids that weren't hers. Donn loses it for a second and calls her a rude bitch. Wow, what was that about? Are the rumors about the abortion true?

Eddie politely defends Donn and gets the mother of all side eyes for his troubles.

Watch it, buddy. I got rid of your predecessor and I can do it again.

Gretchen comes back and tells everyone that Mallard is getting herself together and will be out shortly. Jimbo's much better behaved replacement says he's going to go help her powder herself, obviously meaning that he wants to make sure she's presentable. Fine, right? 

But, NOOOO. Crackie takes this opportunity to make a stupid joke about being able to powder her own nose all by her lonesome. It's a valiant effort at appearing presentable without anyone else's help.

But completely hopeless

Wow. None of these people has any sympathy, and half of them think gay people are only good for one thing- being the butt of jokes. 

Mallard finally comes out of her Snivelling stupor and apologizes to everyone for acting like a 4 year old at her first day of pre-school. No one cares.

At least it got them to shut up for two minutes.

She sits down next to Greggy and tells her that she's sorry about Jimbo's absence, he really wanted to be there but was too busy. LIE. Then she tries to make Peggy feel guilty for not supporting that lie by wiping her tears with enough sympathy.

They then argue over who is to blame for them not hanging out like they used to, and it sounds like it's the Bellinos who are at fault. They haven't made play dates and they haven't returned invitations to hang out. Hmm. What could this be? Do they not have the money, or is Jimbo afraid of losing more than just his house?

When Tamra interrupts, Mallard uses the opportunity to go all superior on Greggy's ass and tells her that they shouldn't argue in the middle of her dinner party, mkay? Freaking gross! She's lucky she gets invited anywhere to do anything at all at this point, and should she really be alienating the one person who knows what it's like to walk in her shoes.

You coulda had double garage sales.

They wrap up the dinner with Micah doing card tricks. Was he raised by Carnies? So THAT'S where he learned to grift!

Don't play the shell game. trust me.

Poor Jessie The New Sade sings one more song, this time to be overshadowed by Mallard and Retchin's drunk antics instead of grossed out by Tammy Sue's. When Mallard says that retchin' is her only friend, was anyone surprised? How pathetic! I'm getting a new bead on why their friendship unravelled. They BOTH suck.

The older people leave and the younger one's get trashed and act stupid. Just as it should be. We end on a high note with Crackie raining on Donn's parade of hilarity in the limo because she's tired.

And gassy too, apparantly.

Next week, FriendshipGate continues, Jimbo is back, as is Slurry. How nice.

How nice of her to take time out of her busy American Idol schedule.

Your Twunt

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