Monday, May 16, 2011

Real housewives of New York City Recap: Heads Will Loll

Hey, all! Jill the evil bitch is back! Not that she was ever really gone in the first place. She just tried to wreak havoc behind the scenes, failed, and is now regurgitating blogger lines, Tammy Sue style. Remember last year when I said, in reference to Jill, that saying something doesn't make it so? Well, I should be so proud and flattered because she used that line against Ramona. Stop stealing my material, Jill! I work hard on this shit!

Should I send her an invoice?

I also want to give a special shout-out to SassNSauce on Twitter for using one of my favorite recap pictures of Jill as her icon. Ah, it brings back such fond memories. Sigh.

Hmm. Where did I put that nail polish?

You didn't think I was remembering Jill fondly, did you? Of course you didn't!

We'll get to her in a second, but first up is Ramona's skin care photo shoot. She's a bit tense so she's invited Sonja to help keep her loose, and not a moment too soon.Girl is looking scared and tense.

I think she saw Sidney again

The photographer has worked with the likes of Lady GagGag and Rhianna so he's used to crazy. She mispronounces his name and then Sonja walzes in with her plump ass. Sonja's ass is quite the star of this episode, I must say, and if lipo-ing your stomach makes the fat go to the booty, sign me up! I would love a bigger butt. It's not as flat as Jill's, whose is? Jill kind of has the market cornered when it comes to bad features.

At any rate, Sonja's is pretty damn spectacular. She says it's the jeans. Oh, it's more than that, Sonja. Remember how women used to pinch their cheeks before the invention of blush to make them rosy?

 This is just the ass smacking version.

I think she's a doggy style girl. I don't know why. I just do.

Ramona says that she runs through assistants like crazy, right before her assistant says that she looks like a young Pamela Anderson. I'm not going to argue with her, the girl wants to keep her job, after all.

But when did cameras start coming with built-in photoshop?

She looks lovely. Amazing, since she hasn't had a liquid facelift or anything. I think that part of the glow is from getting banged on the regular by someone worth banging, unlike some people. THOSE people are at Sid's apartment.

Jill is visiting and insults the place right off the bat. She says it's for babies now, and when they're grown she can fix it back up. Ah, Jill! Always knowing the right classy things to say!

I was surprised to hear that Jill was a grandmother. Who knocked up Alli? One of Jill's comment erasing assistants? They're all gay! OH. The kids are from Bawby's first marriage. THAT explains it. Who was Bawby's first wife, Kate Gosselin? She must have been pretty awful to make marrying Jill seem like a good idea. She must have had serpents growing out of her head or something. Maybe she was related to Madalyn Murray O'Hair.

Jill and Sidney are the same age, FUCKIN' OLD. Jill says she's jealous of Sid because of the babies but the truth is she covets the assistants Sid has running all over the place. What the heck? What do they do, and why does she need so many? Doesn't one of them know how to glue teeth back in? 

Sid brings up the lunch with Crazy Eyes and how she could feel the hatred coming from her. It wasn't hatred! There's a very good reason Ramona barely touched her food and wine.

You're nauseating to look at.

Sid lies and tries to give Jill the impression that she went toe-to-toe with Ramona when clearly she was bested. Jill eats it up and here's where her ugly starts showing through. See, Jill's feelings about Ramona have been validated by Sid, and it's practically Sid's duty to repeat these horrible things about Ramona, so others will feel like they can come forward too, poor victims! Why, Ramona is socially harrassing people. All of Manhattan must be warned!

What a fucking cunt! She wants to socially isolate Ramona, just like she did with Bethenny. Good luck, asshole! You just guaranteed yourself a dozen more weeks of being called out for the despicable piece of shit that you are, and I will happily dance around my house with my ass hanging out while doing so.

You know what? I just thought of something. Let's say that the other day I was at Bed, Bath and Beyond. My eyes, nay, the very core of my aesthetic sensibilities were assaulted by that hideous trash she tries to pass off as bedding. I think it is my duty to warn the world! If you or someone you know has similarly been visually raped, fear no more. Come forward! I offer you a sympathetic ear. Let us warn others lest they be similarly scarred for life!

You know, she's been doing this a long time. She is not a first time offender.

Exhibit A- the apartment.

Do you think that Gloria raised her on Hee-Haw, Tammy Sue Bob-style, or did Jill and Lisa just stay in a lot of tacky old hotels in Miami as kids? Her taste is so bad it's like the interior design version of a John Wayne Gacy painting.

Actually, look again at the picture above. Who cut her bangs, Ginger? Naw. Couldn't be. Jill would be missing an eye by now, and there would be poop in it's place. Free Ginger!

This week isn't all bad. Sonja is back to her old self and she's throwing a Masquerade Ball. I am so excited, especially when I see Chris March on my screen. LOVE him, right down to the human hair jackets he designed for his Project Runway fashion week show. He is a visionary and guess what I saw on runways for Fall '11? That's right, lots of jackets with long black hair on them! Even that nutjob Galliano did it.

He's helping Sonja with her Marie Antoinette costume, right down to that mess of a wig. He's going to have to do some serious rehabbing of that sloppy mess, and no, I'm not talking about Sonja.

But, Chris. This is what happens to wigs when they catch on fireman's waistband buttons!

Her costume is bottomless, of course, like some kind of upper crust slut version of 18th century nobility, and would Sonja have it any other way? If she was really part of that world, I bet she could have weaseled her way out of the guillotine, she's so charming.

Some head for a head?

LuLu and Jill are also getting ready for the party by shlepping themselves to a nice costume shop. Jill has a cold. The poor dear!

My doctor prescribed a facelift. Who am I to argue? I need a fwesh staht!

The saleslady remembers Jill from two seasons ago when Jill was flashing HER butt all over town. The only thing that's different is that Jill chopped half her boobies off so Ginger wouldn't keep getting suffocated every time Jill is too lazy to grab a Kleenex. Now Jill is sexy, so she wants another outfit that reflects that. "That's me! Sexy!" Sure, Jill. Sure it is.

To other elderly Basset Hounds.

LuLu tries on a Scarlet O'Hara dress and does lines from the movie in a weird British accent. She does know that Gone With the Wind took place in Atlanta, right?

Not a cockney whorehouse.

Of course she misquotes the damn thing too. What an idiot, and what nerve she has saying that Ramona is matronly. Do you even know who you're standing next to? Jill makes Dame Edna look like a cheerleader!

Nice how she wasted the poor lady's time, too. I assume that renting costumes costs money, right? Well, now you know that LuLu won't be going. Cheers to that!

Back at Sid's House of Pain, Howie the Prick notices that one of the twins has her first pimple. He kinda sorta jokes about scheduling her first acne treatment. What's next?

Vagazzling by five?

After reading about that lady who waxes her 8 year old, would you be surprised? This 'woman' Sidney has zero body hair. I hope the baby daddy keeps an eye on things. Speaking of which, he's over for a visit. His name is Kevin and he used to get along great with Howie. Now, not so much. You see, Howie wanted to make the babies with Sid. Now he's all pissy and pouty and drowning his sorrows by dating sister dopplegangers.

Dude, I just wanted to stick the tip in. Just a little.

He looks so sad! I bet if he gets her chipped tooth drunk, she might acquiesce. Have faith, Chompers!

Heads up, Sidney. You said it was weird and awkward when you all get together. You know what's weirder? Expecting them to still be buds after you break up. GOD, she's a moron. 

Howie leaves, so I assume it's Kevin's turn to experience the joy that is Sidney's World. She bosses him over every single damn thing he does with the babies. 'Be careful,' she says, 'these little fuckers cost me a lot of money!' I don't see what she's so worried about. They already dodged the biggest bullet of them all. 

They don't look like HER.

That was pretty uncomfortable. It felt like a supervised visit, all that bitching and moaning in that white sterile environment she calls home. Just because you work in antiseptic rooms, doesn't mean you should live in them, though who let her out of the barn in the first place is another quandary altogether.

On to better things. 
I like how we learn something new every week. For instance, where does Sonja get her man slaves? I was particularly curious since I will eventually have several positions to fill at the Full Service Twunt Retirement Community I plan to build one day. I love my girls, and I want to make sure they are taken care of, and I promise to test out each and every one of the houseboys for them. Know That.

Here's what I have to do: Become more friendly with the local colleges, like Mr. McSlore's and my Alma Maters. Then, after I've made a lot of friends amongst the alumni, I simply offer their sons 'internships.' They can have a spare room and I get my tea and cunnilingus delivered to my room each day. Why, I'll even put my cootch on a silver platter! Ain't I nice?

It works for Sonja, why not me? I'm embarrassing too!

Her hair and make-up people arrive, along with her niece. They busy themselves fluffing and rearranging her face until niecy-poo realises that she forgot her ruffled panties, just like her dear old Auntie.

Oh, so you've had sex with half of the Cipriani wait staff, too?

Chris arrives, and I must say that he did quite the miracle work on that ratty old wig. It no longer looks like it houses possums anymore, nor does it resemble something a turn of the century trapeze artist might wear at the circus.

But you can still buy it by the bag there.

Those are some queenie proportions, so it's perfect for her. He also did a bang-up job on the mask. Sonja calls it a 'piece of art.'

Not to be confused with what she trades for it.

She piles into the limo with her friends when LuLu calls to tell her that she's too sick to come. She's sick all right. She has a disease called tight-wad-itis and it mostly affects your wallet. OUCH.

The party is in the vault at Cipriani's of course. It's practically hers and Ramona's hang-out. Silex are already there, tall and ineffectual in their Cleopatra role playing outfits. Old Fern Mayo (thanks, PC!) tries to make witty repartee using erudite references like snake charming and Roman invasions, but she's playing to the wrong crowd. Now, if she referenced Tutenstein, maybe they'd get it.

Simon's been invading small countries of vodka and I've been charming no one.

Crazy Eyes arrives, so let the party begin! She looks like she's raring to go, and who wouldn't be? It's a Sonja party. It's NUTS. Jill saunters around, spreading her vile comments and cold germs like she's one giant petri dish of FUG. Can you quarantine double crossing mediocre glum cunts? No? How about shoddy underhanded pieces of steaming poo? That pile has got to be spreading some kind of disease. C'mon, now! 

Jill trashes Sonja's party, saying it's too crowded, but she sits down next to her and says she's honored to be included in such a small guest list. Then she calls the party non-important and half assed. No, dear. That would be YOU, bless your heart.

This one's FULL assed.

On the other side of the room, Crazy Eyes is joking with Brian about his lack of chest hair and he makes a slightly amusing joke about manscaping down one side and up the other. Leather laughs like a lunatic, and it's totally fake, like she learned to laugh by reading books about what it looks like, then practicing in the mirror.

Oh my GOD, that's so funny, Brian. HAHAHA, stop it! please make the voices stop I BEG YOU.

What is she supposed to be dressed up as, Catwoman after three shock treatments and a four hour glitter therapy art class? She looks like something that belongs at a kill shelter. Is that why she smells like cat pee all the time? She lives in mortal fear of being put down.

Sonja forgot her petticoat and Jill struts around the room telling everyone about it, not to mention the big bruise she saw on one of Sonja's ass cheeks. Shut the fuck up, Jill. That's what happens when you DO things. You get bruises. Young strong guys leave hand prints. They smack your ass when they bang you doggy style and then they play bullseye with your vertebrae. But you wouldn't know about that. The last time you had sex with Bawby,

Marie Antoinette still had her head.

How do you think they do it? I bet it's a lights off, done in five seconds, eyes closed, shame ridden affair. Then Bawby toddles off to the computer and closes the porn tab.

It gets even richer, though. Leather is simply appalled by this brazen display of flesh. Why, Sonja is 40-something! She should cover up! There's no excuse for it! What kind of person does such a thing, wearing a skirt up to her pubic bone?!

Why, you'd...have to be...insane..

This from little miss, 'Oops, I forgot my pants again!' at every damn step & repeat. last I checked she was in her 40s too. Well, chronologically, I mean. I wasn't talking about her mental age. By the way, what the hell was Slackjawed Sidney supposed to be?

My Brittle Mermaid?

I think she grabbed an old leotard and glued a bunch of surgical pads on it. That's talent with a glue gun, folks!

We're being set up to think Sonja and Ramona are alcoholics, as I said last week. At the end of the night, Jill says that Sonja was too drunk and she doesn't like to see her laughed at. WRONG. The correct answer is that Sonja was at a freaking party and had fun! Jill's the one I'M laughing at, for all the pwogwess she hasn't made.

Our boring vignette this week involves Leather buying shoes for her birthday. She splurges on Manolo's once a year. I think she should save some money.

And buy some damn barrettes.

Bitch is constantly flipping that mop around. By the end of the day it must be greased down with bong residue and Jill's butt cheese. Freaking nasty.

Next, we're off to the dentists with Syd Barrett and those domino tiles she calls teeth. She drags Jill along since all painful things seem less so with her screeching in your ears. Jill bosses the freaking dentist and tells him how she thinks Sid's teeth should look. He lets Jill get her way, so I guess we can blame Sid's hideous baboon grill on her, too. BORING. The only fun I had while watching was when the doctor called her teeth 'horsey.'

If the bit fits..

Now for the good part. Ramona is having another wine event. 

I want to be friends with Ramona! She passes wine out like party favors. She has a tasting every single week! If she were my friend, I'd be enjoying every single minute of it, no questions asked. Heck, I'll stomp the grapes for her, free of charge!

First to arrive is Jennifer, the girl that got married in The Hamptons. She has something to share with Crazy Eyes about what Jill said on that fateful day, and it goes something like this: Silex shouldn't be here, neither should Ramona, and I am going to badger you on your wedding day until you admit that you neither like nor really know them!

She did this to the bride! Then she went out back and made fun of them for wearing off-white and said that they didn't belong with such high class people like herself. You're right Jill. They don't! They're better than you! not by much.

I thought that saying anything at all to the bride that might upset her was classless and trashy, even more so than Ramona getting insulted by Howie chomping on a dead guy's cigar while Sissy's stand-in stands by. Bringing your own evil drama to someone else's big day is INSANE.

And Ramona's the crazy one

The bride said that she walked away because Jill was being rude and her friend was drunk and she didn't need the drama. Interesting. Getting someone mentally incapacitated to do one's dirty work. Where have I heard that one before?

Silex show up, dutifully performing their tasks of seat filler and wallpaper. Then LuLu is back asking all her rude sommelier questions since boinking ugly wine shillers constitutes expertise these days. All she does is expose her own ignorance since Pinot Grigio isn't aged, my love! She moves on to grape mashing and whether or not it's an estate wine, pushing even though Crazy Eyes is clearly feeling interrogated. It's LuLu's M.O., you know. If you don't like someone, batter down their self esteem. If you can make yourself look good in the process, you hit the jackpot!

Now, did the grapes get picked with the left or right hand and how many fingers am I holding up? Trick question! A Countess never lifts fingers EVER, Dahling.

Sit down, Twat. You're about as useful as that title you lost, ZING! 

Ramona finally asks her to shut it and than moves on to grab Jill for a little discussion. It's the same old same old. Ramona asks her why she said what she did, Jill lies and says it was the other person, then she gets all loud and demands that Jennifer gets her butt over there to back her up.

Because ruining only ONE of her days wasn't quite enough.

Such pwogwess! Gone are the nasty faces she used on Alex Mayo. In their place are smug smiles and fake confusion. Not so gone are the protestations of innocence, the assertions that "I never said that!" Ramona barely says anything before Jill declares that she's leaving because Crazy Eyes ambushed her at her own party. She had no right to do that!

 Jill didn't bring her list!

And no, saying something doesn't make it so, anymore than saying you're sexy makes it so, or declaring that you've learned fwom your mistakes and gwown and made pwogwess, or insisting on live TV that you never had a face lift, or giving your doorstop of a book 5 stars on! 

I'm glad that Ramona is finally seeing how truly evil she is. I hope it lasts. Jill even tried to bully the bride into agreeing that she didn't hear what she heard! She marched outside and confronted her, relying on the fact that most decent people will give you the benefit of the doubt if you insist enough on something.

Jen's no idiot and she insists that she heard both Jill and her friend say those things. How does Jill make up with her? Not by apologizing for what she did, but by asking her to come to her first if she has a problem, you know, so no one will find out.

Sorry, Jill. I only invited YOU because I needed the discount on fabrics.

You have to wonder.  Jill then goes inside and claims that she worked it all out with Jen, so everything's okay now. 

What does that even mean? The problem isn't with Jen, it's with that abyss of morality Jill calls a brain. She insulted Ramona and Alex and THAT'S the problem, you miserable ball of misplaced anger! You are the jealous, list making, favor scorecard keeping, bean counter of friends. Nothing's ever good enough because your value system is flawed. What you desire, you can't have, and it kills you to see others have it. 

You are surrounded by success and none of it's yours. Bethenny left you in the dust and now Ramona is parlaying this show into bags of money. Meanwhile, your books are outsold by writers from the Jersey Shore and your bedding gathers dust and asbestos in houseware storerooms. 

There's one thing assholes like Jill count on. They prey on, and manipulate other people's good will. People like Jill can't exist without those tactics. The only problem is that she can only get injured creatures to fall for it. The suddenly poor LuLu's. The mentally ill with an agenda, like Leather. 

After one last try at making Crazy Eyes look like the bad guy, Jill takes it out to the car where she cries to LuLu and Bawby. 

  You waited FOUR seasons to sabotage her..

Another crock of shit! Why does he swallow her garbage? Maybe he never got a pre-nup. Bawby, you big goof. You own a successful business! Always get a pre-nup, unless your wife is loaded and I'm pretty sure that Macy's didn't pay that much to their third tier Missies Better Sportswear buyers.

In the end, it's all so obvious. Ramona is genuinely hurt by being bad mouthed by someone she thought was still her friend. Jill's hurt because she got found out again. No amount of Jill's sobbing over what an evil bitch Ramona is will ever make it so. Ramona has real emotions on her side and Jill's tears are based on a reality of her own making. It must suck to be so transparent. Thanks for bringing her back, Miss Andy! We all needed reminders to take that blood pressure medicine, and a visual of Jill's lumpy torso. Buy Squeez Couture and avoid a similar fate!

And don't use bedding filler as the test product 

Here are some wonderful Ramona expressions to get us through to the next episode where we find out that Leather isn't going to Morrocco. I guess Miss Andy can't afford to insure her. I'm pretty sure every airline insisted on at least a mil.

And Ramona made that..

in one QVC appearance!

Your Twunt

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