Mirror, Mirror On The Wall, Who's The Vilest One Of All?

Whose voice shrinks men's balls up into their body cavities? Who makes sweeping generalizations of all men, including gay ones? Who miraculously still has a job yet has never been successful at it? Who tells women to amp up the titties while dumbing themselves down, all for the right RICH guy, of course?


Why, it's Batty Canker, of course!

Thank you, thank you to the geniuses over at Vulture. Their NY magazine recaps and TV reporting are my favorites by far.

TGIF With Your Tutorial On How To Dress Punk-Ish!

Where does World of Wonder come up with this stuff?

What If You Were Famous?

Sometimes (okay, MOST of the time) I look at these tabloid covers and I wonder how much is bullshit and how much is based on factual information. I'm going to guess that their stories are 15% factual, even when the crap comes straight from the publicist's mouth.

Anyway, it's been slow around here, I'm about to turn another year older this weekend and I thought we'd have some fun, get the blog back up and running, by asking you what YOUR tabloid headline would be. What perfectly innocent thing goes on in your life that people would point fingers at and discuss in hushed voices when you're around? 

I'll start. I am very good friends with my husband's ex-wife. Some people think this is odd and even have the balls to tell me so, including my own mother. If I were famous, the headline would probably be, Keeping Her Friends Close and Her Enemies Closer, or since this friend is also remarried, Lesbian Love Affair? Who Will Tell Mr. McSlore He Is A Beard? 

We're going for a walk today, so if that Sandra/Ryan headline is any indication, Secret Lesbian Tryst In The Mists Of Euclid Creek, FINALLY EXPOSED, as we innocently hug and say goodbye. 

See how fucked up this is? Your turn.

Boomer's Two Positions

First we have the splayed haunches, lying in wait situation.

Then we have the 'lying on the back until someone rubs my belly or I fall asleep' pose.

Faces aren't shown because she's on my shit list. She pissed all over the top of the couch when I was outside doing yard work and now I'm making her wear a Stretch mask on all her walks as punishment. She got heckled pretty bad by the Golden Retriever across the street, and don't get me started on the Australian Shepherd next door. I believe she yelled, "Barf!" or something, then coughed some unintelligible insult in her paw. I swear I heard her say, 'free Snowball.' 

The dogs in my neighborhood are so catty! 

Anonymous Probably Put It There

People could save themselves a lot of trouble if they just stopped and read the warning signs.

Fix Yah Hayyyaaah

Jill Zarin's next puppy.
Bawwwwbeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!

Sit Down, KatieBot

You are NO Judy Garland.

Heavy Sleeper

When Mom isn't around anymore to scream you awake in the morning, here is an extreme alternative.

Jersey Girls In The 90s

Do not fuck with the girl in blue, she's probably still putting bitches in the hospital.

More Housewives Crap

These trashy women will not go away.
Geraldo At Large (minus Geraldo) interviewed the guy that wrote 'Cop Without A Badge' and he says the same old shit about Danielle/Beverly/Angela in his Joe Pesci voice. You cannot make this stuff up, folks. Escape from reality indeed.

Very Impressed People

I am so glad that we didn't go V.I.P. this year. Number one: the price jumped to over $1200. Number two: none of our friends were. Number three: We had a blast down with the "everyday people" and unwashed masses while they could barely fill their extra special cordoned off bleachers. I'd rather sit next to diaper man any day. No one is dancing. No one is having any fun.

See what I mean? You can catch flies when you're dead, bitch.

DB1 OWNS Perez Hilton

I hate even posting about that asshole Perez but the blogger of Hot Chicks With Douchebags wrote the best verbal smack-down that I've read in a while.

In case you didn't know, Perez called Will.I.Am a "fucking faggot" and got punched in the head by The Black Eyed Peas' manager. He is making a huge stink about his barely there booboos and is even sueing like the punk ass bitch momma's boy that he is. Take your knocks and walk it off, loser!

Here's DB1's take:

For wasting the collective world's attention on inanity and purile poo, I'm giving a long overdue honorary Douchebag of the Month to ass pimple, blogger and whiny drama queen Perez Hilton.Normally I don't target the gaybags for the simple fact that it is those who douche it up to get the hotts that rankle me.

But for the fact that, despite all attempts to filter any and all knowledge of this Perez Hilton character from my brain, I still know that he got into a fight with William of the Black Eyed Peas last night, pisses me the hell off.After someone emailed me this whining testimonal, it was time to give out an award to this preening, vacuous waste of space.Do I care if Mr. Peas punched first? Do I care that you drew a penis mouth on Lindsey Lohan for the 400th consecutive day in a row?Hedda Hopper called. She says you suck.

You are Warholian superstar pastiche without the self awareness. You are dim echo of 1980s gay counterculture, reprocessed and defanged as a slightly edgier version of the typical host on "E!" You make Michael Musto look like Oscar Wilde.

All the Lohans and Parises and Jessica Simpsons of the world, penises drawn on their faces, will never bring you comfort, Mr. Hilton. Your successful spew is still the spew of 57 websites and nothing on. Except penises drawn on Lindsey Lohan.I may only make fun of Hot Chicks and Douchebags in my little corner of the simulacrum. But at least when I get into fights, I don't think the world needs to know about every detail.

You have become what you beheld, and no amount of ironic name moniker will save you from the fact you are driftwood monkey poo on a sea of crystalline narcissism and overhyped redundancies.Take your blank page and fill it with the latest starlet drama.

Repeat it enough times and the noise will be loud and fame enhanced. But it's simply a feedback loop of white-noise douchosity. Clown.Now get off my internets and go back to penis drawing.

The New Super Seven Incher

I'm just going to sit here and tap my fingers in the table, counting down the seconds until there's a moral majority protest. It shouldn't take long.

By the way, I get mine for free.

Another Loser Leaves Daisy

That's right, folks. It's the 4th episode in PBS's epic series on dating, Daisy of Love. Once again, a douchebag leaves of his own accord and poor Daisy cries a river of mascara down her butchered face and into her enhanced cleavage. It was drama on a scale unseen since Gone With the Wind.

Who am I kidding, it's total trash. Here's the link to my latest recap:

http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/daisy-of-love/daisy-of-love-e-3-9762.php?page=1

Did Karl Lagerfeld Invent This?

We know from his advice columns that he thinks that the western world is too fat but this is just too evil. Even for him. I give it two days before that bench is vandalized by a chick on a sugar crash. And I hope she films it.

Height Impaired

They're called shoe lifts. Look into it.

Look Fellas, This Is All It Takes

Sarah Palin Refuses Money for Special Needs Children

What a hypocritical asshole. She has a kid with Down's Syndrome! I guess that as long as you have that cushy governer's State sponsored health care, you really don't give a damn if other people are recieving what they need.
So, out of the money earmarked for Alaska, she took the construction dollars and refused the education and welfare money? I am in a purple rage right now, especially after reading back in February how thousands of Alaskans were literally starving because of fewer deliveries to their state and higher unemployment. They need to boot her ass to Russia where things are completely amoral and out of control. She'll fit right in..

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Farts Are Controversial

Who knew that a fart app would cause so much controversy? This story is so ridiculous. Does anyone own the "pull my Finger" expression? Why would you want to? I suppose that when money is involved people will fight over anything. Here is the story from Wired.com.

By David Kravets February 18, 2009 3:42:41 PMCategories: The Ridiculous
The producer of a farting iPhone app is making a legal stink over another flatulence app in a looming trademark battle over the phrase, "pull my finger."
A trademark dispute over the rights to the phrase was bound to happen as dozens of iPhone apps provide a way to fart like the professionals -- from Bigfoot to an old man.
The brouhaha concerns Air-O-Matic of Florida, the maker of the popular "Pull My Finger" app, which claims the maker of rival "iFart Mobile" is misappropriating the phrase "pull my finger" in its advertisements. Such an assertion, according to iFart Mobile maker InfoMedia of Colorado, reeks of an misunderstanding of American fart culture.
Kevin Houchin, InfoMedia's lawyer, explains:
The phrase "pull my finger," and derivations thereof, are generally known and widely understood in American society to be a joke or prank regarding flatulence. The prank begins when the prankster senses the deep stirrings of flatulence. The prankster then requests that an unsuspecting person pull [his or her] finger. The prankster extends his index finger to the victim. As the victim pulls the prankster's finger, his flatulence erupts so as to suggest a causal relationship between the pulling of the finger and the subsequent expulsion of gas. In other words, the phrase "pull my finger" is understood to be a description of the act of passing gas.
Houchin's comments were contained in a Colorado federal court filing (.pdf) seeking a declaration from a judge that InfoMedia's use of the phrase in its advertising campaign "did not and will not infringe upon any valid rights of AOM." A decision is pending.
Air-O-Matic, or AOM, claims iFart Mobile's advertising is creating confusion in Apple's app store fart space.
"InfoMedia's efforts have been directed at merging 'Pull My Finger' and 'iFart' in the consumers' minds, so that searches for 'Pull My Finger' pull up the iFart application," AOM attorney Karen Koster Burr wrote (.pdf) InfoMedia in a letter demanding $50,000 payment.
Burr wrote that "it all amounts to repeated trademark infringement and unfair trade practices that have resulted in substantial direct and indirect damages to Air-O-Matic."

Shopper Feeding frenzy

I do not understand bargain hunting freaks who will go to ANY lengths to get what, $5 off a freaking crap toy? I have never participated in Black Friday and now I never will. Michael K put it best in his post about the trampling of a Wallmart employee by crazed shoppers in Nassau county, New York. Here is the Dlisted link.

http://dlisted.com/node/29501