Go The Fuck To Sleep

I've been there, babysitting a kid, a niece who would NOT sleep. I ended up propping her in a chair in front of MTV. Maybe that's why she only listens to Christian rock these days. Rebellious, I tell you!


It's an actual book that you can buy at Borders. I already have it on my list for three people I know. HILARIOUS, plus Samuel L. Jackson. How do you beat that?

Caption The Housewife, Strollercoaster Edition

Pro-Ana Or Just Silly

Do you remember a couple years back when Kate Moss said those exact words? Do you think she was joking? Probably only half. Now there's a company in the UK called Zazzle that is marketing these t-shirts to girls of all ages. I think it's fine in a Spencer Gifts kind of way, but not to a tween, which this girl clearly is. With the amount of eating disorders out there, it's pretty irresponsible, and let's not leave the infants out!

So, funny or in terrible taste?

Wining And Dining While Pregnant

I took a break today and wandered around the internet where I found this picture of Kate Hudson enjoying a glass of wine in Argentina while pregnant. I've never had kids so I've never had this conversation with an OBGYN, but some of you have taken that leap and I wondered what your thoughts were. My only experience with it was serving a lady in her ninth month and she assured me that her doctor was fine with it. Why not let the baby enter the world with a wee buzz on, you know? Knock out some of the trauma, which in some cases (Rapey Eyes) leaves you scarred for life. 

As long as it isn't Kitty Dukakis style drinking and you aren't reliving The Lost Weekend, I'm pretty sure your kid isn't going to come out missing half a spinal chord or with the brain power of a Tamra.

Caption The Housewife, Babies and Puppies edition

See, I do have a heart. For puppies anyway.

Smoking Baby

Literally.

EMBED-Ardi Rizal - The real SMOKING BABY !! - Watch more free videos

What can I say? I read that this Malaysian 2 year old has a pack a day habit and his parents keep feeding it because daddy is a fucking moron, I mean little Marlboro man pitches a major fit if they don't. Is there no CPS in that country? What's next- internet porn? Some coffee to lubricate his infant throat? This is so beyond abuse that I want to scream, and you may want to scream at me after I say this but I truly believe that idiots should be sterilised so this shit doesn't happen in the first place.

Baby's First Explosive Candy

I don't have kids but if I did, this is the kind of stuff I would do with them. Too adorable.

Learn From the Best, I Always Say

Brian Cox teaches 30 month old Theo some Shakespeare.

More Fun With Babies

Death Metal Baby

I see a bright future for this kid. One full of Manic Panic hair dye, hot topic spiked belts, mystical lyrics about ancient battles and plenty of alone time with his right hand.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Vampire Pacifier

For the Twihard/teen mothers out there, or stick it in your toddler's mouth when you hear that doorbell ring to piss off all the Jehovahs that bother you on an almost daily basis.

I'm not lying. They were here this morning and if I had one I would have worn it. Maybe I should put a pentagram above the door or answer unwelcome callers with fake blood on my hands or in an SS uniform or a nun's habit? Any ideas? Help!

They are driving me mad, especially since they come in the morning when I am on the couch by the window next to the front door and they can see me when they walk up. Damn bible thumpers.....next time they come to my door they better be holding a check from Ed McMahon or I'm getting out the shotgun.

At first glance I thought that this was another fabulous product from Billy but on closer inspection it says Billy Bob, which is almost as awesome. You can buy them on Amazon.

Too Cute Not To Post

Rammstein porn, then babies. I have very diverse interests, obviously.

Found at ONTD.

Like Grandfather, Like Grandson

Comb-overs run in the family. Not even infants are immune. Poor little Donald Trump III. Be strong. One day you will be able to break the cycle.

Roller Babies

I still haven't figured out if this is cute or creepy. You decide.

Happy Belated Father's Day

I don't have one of those anymore, but I raise my glass to all of you great Dads and Grandfathers out there. So does Dexter.

Baby Jibbar Jabbar

We sure do love to talk. Too cute.

Tiger's New Baby Boy

It's been a while since I've posted some serious cuteness, and the need to balance out the negativity of the post below is pretty strong. So here he is, Charlie Axel Woods, along with his parents, sister and their adorable puppies. Talk about a charmed existence, Tiger must have gone through some terrible struggles in a past life or something, to be so blessed in this one.

For you golf fans, he is going to finally get back on the fairways next week in the WGC-Accenture Match Play Championship in Tuscon, Arizona. He has won this tournament three times already but it has been moved to a new course, the Ritz-Carlton Golf Club at Dove Mountain. I don't know if that will have any effect on his play but I'm sure that the sponsors are exstatic. Having him back will greatly improve their numbers which have suffered quite a bit in his absence.

Photos by Wenn via People magazine.

Baby Mop

In Japan, they think of everything and if it's crazy retarded Michael K at DListed will post it. I need one of these. My dust bunnies (made up of 90% dog hair and 10% actual bunny) are starting to take over the kitchen and hallway so lock up your toddlers, people. I'm on a mission.

Baby Mop from Chris Milk on Vimeo.

Alfie Will Be 30 When His Daughter Graduates High School

I saw this story in the Daily Mail this morning. A 12 year old boy, barely 4 feet tall, knocked up a 14 year old in his neighborhood. She just had the little girl yesterday. They kept the pregnancy secret until the girl's mom noticed her expanding belly. They are now 13 and 15 which would be a perfectly acceptable age to raise a kid 3,000 years ago in Mesopotamia. He'll be walking her to kundergarten on his way to High School. His own father has 9 children, the girl has 5 brothers and an unemployed father and they both live in Council flats (subsidized housing). Alfie has been to the hospital every day and now keeps a school uniform at his baby's momma's house so he can change in the morning after seeing his daughter. How long do you think that is going to last? How long before the PlayStation looks a lot more inviting than a poopy diaper? Maybe his friends will think that he's a stud for having a kid that young. I really don't know what culture is like in Eastbourne, England but I'm willing to bet that the poor mom will be labeled a slut until she's out of her teens. It should be okay though. She's only two years younger than Bristol Palin so no big deal, right?

Tiger Woods has a Baby Boy

Happy news for the man who has absolutely everything, especially now that he has a son. Yeah, he had knee surgery last year, and yeah, he lost his dad but look at his life! Have you ever seen pictures of his home? It's bananas retared fabulous, way beyond anything ever on Cribs. His bedroom is like a cube of glass. I'd hate to be the bitch with the windex up in that place.

His wife is beautiful, he makes so much money from so many endorsements he never has to win another tournament, yet win them he does. Did you notice how all the golfers started working out after Tiger talked about it? They had to or they couldn't compete. I can't wait for him to get back out there. I think his first pairing should be Anthony Kim, the PGA fratboy. He'll keep him loose and laughing.

Anyway, we're probably going to have to wait to see the baby. At least until that million dollar check from People magazine clears.