Spring Into Summer

This time of year makes me think about a few things. First of all there's no chance of snow anymore, HA. Then I start getting nostalgic and remember all those end of school parties I used to go to when I was a teen. We would sneak out, get an older sibling to buy beer, and hit the house where a party was brewing while the parents were out of town. 


Getting a buzz on and giggling with your girls while the oh-so-cool boys stand nearby, their cigarette smoke wafting into your nostrils. Everyone assumed that everyone else was more confident, experienced and worldly. You would stick with your buddies as your armor against the mean kids, or the random asshole that hated you for no good reason. Insecurity ran rampant, but you still took risks. Sometimes for attention, and sometimes to prove that you had the guts. Sometimes the only true ego boost was found in making people laugh or having the good sense to bring the latest Van Halen or Pat Benatar album to the party that you bought with your babysitting money or tips from weekend shifts at the pancake house. 


It's easy to forget that we were hot back then and we didn't even know it! Okay, I kind of knew that I was. I walked into malls and got accosted by enough 'modeling scouts' to know that I was prettier than most, but I was skinny in a time when skinny was not hot. All my friends blossomed earlier than me, perky breasted and round of hip. That was the currency back then, looking like a woman. Now it's a weird amalgamation of slender childish bodies and implanted tits and ass. This ideal has nothing to do with reality or individualism. It has everything to do with the implied standards that pop culture throws at people. I would be okay with it if these standards were health and the beauty that comes from being fit, but it isn't. 


We didn't know how good we had it, and if you are young and you are reading this, stop. Stop holding yourself up to standards that are fake and meant to keep you from concentrating on what is inside you. Absolutely no one is perfect and absolutely no one has the right to judge. You can rise above. For example, I did pretty well modeling, and this is me in high school, frizzy hair, crooked teeth and all.

Pens vs. Sabres 6th Row Center Ice

It didn't suck.

Of course, I had to get all creative with the pictures, because I can weild a mean camera phone. Don't hate!

Because I love you so much, here are my nostrils. I am also biting my lip because a certain someone looked at me. And I'm not talking about the fat guy in front of me or the Pantomime Penguin.

Completely obscene video to follow.

I'm Special. Bob Said So

Dear Readers,
I won a super special award! A Spatula Blogger Award! Appropriate since I got whacked with one pretty regularly as a kid.Anyway, I got tagged by Bob from I'm Not laughing as being an enjoyably irreverant blogger, or something to that effect. There's a hitch, though. There always is, now isn't there? I have to tell you crap about myself that you don't know. Well, If I haven't told you, it's because it's none yo bidness, but I'm game. I'll play. Besides, as you all know, I find myself endlessly fascinating. 


Hmmm.
1. I like gay people way more than breeders. 
    Maybe it's because I live in Ohio, but I rarely meet any straight people that I think are worthy of my time. I like the way gay people think. I'm a snob when it comes to the intellectual/sense of humor/creativity of people. I know that sounds bad, but at least I'm a snob FOR THE GAYS. Also, it's no accident that every male friend of mine in high school, save two, turned out to be gay. I even bearded for one. I think that's a rite of passage for a gal like me.


2. I met Gina Lollabrigida and her boobs at an IFC awards thingymajigger.
 I am rarely tongue tied. I was that day. She was 50 and looked like a young Joan Collins. I almost got on my knees to worship her but she was with Richard Avedon and I didn't want him thinking that I was making fun of his height.


3. I have a five head. Always have, always will. Voila:

Look, Chemgal. I too, was a glowbaby!

4. I HATE those commercial with Sarah McLachlan and the abused pets that need to be adopted. It's like, 'Cry! Now give me your money!' HATE.


5. I have a bizarre crush on Eddie Izzard. I can't explain it. I don't even think he looks that good in drag. Oy.


6. My ancestor and Mr. McSlore's ancestor fought over the inclusion of slavery in the Declaration of Independence. Unfortunately, mine won.


7. My Grandfather played with Cab Calloway.


8. I share a birthday with Mother Teresa and PeeWee Herman. FUCKED UP.


9. I modeled Norma Kamali clothes on Attitudes. Remember that show? AWESOME Lifetime camp.


10. I abhor country music and folk rock and will go to my grave clutching Dio and Judas Priest albums.


Okay, now here's who I think deserve awards.


Bob from http://ishouldbelaughing.blogspot.com/. for his impeccable taste, clearly. Plus, he blogs religiously and the only thing we disagree about is Bethenny.
Karen from http://itinerantcook.blogspot.com/. She's smart, she can cook and she shares!
Billy from http://billybeyond.blog-city.com/. He also shares. This time it's music and his great photography.
Lady Bunny http://blog.ladybunny.net/ . Yes, she was around before electricity. Yes, she's a filthy old whore, BUT she's one of my oldest and mostest smartest friends.
Finally, Bidz. http://www.bidz.com/ Self explainatory.


Please share stuff about yourself in the comments. Preferably insane and embarrassing.

Mariah, Mariah, Mariah

Rich from FourFour is a saint. He watched all these HSN appearances and then made this powerfully redundant clip. It is unreal. What do you think it's like to be her? She's basically the female human version of Jabba the Hut. She lays around, gets carried and hoisted onto stages, has someone at the ready with an atomizer in case she farts, and has an infant's love of all things sparkly and cute. She must be surrounded with sycophants 24/7. How else do you explain that drugstore designed perfume bottle? It makes L'Air du Temps look like something that fell out of Marie Antoinette's ass.

Muslin and Shark Jaws

I said I'd post some pictures occasionally from the old modeling days, and here we are. I worked with Joyce Tenneson A LOT. We did Matsuda together, Brides, the pirelli calendar, a million different cream or body lotion ads with no face, Shiseido, TIME magazine and Absolut, just to name a few. The most recent was an industry ad for filler back in 2003. She still teaches photography workshops out in the desert and she is a truly gifted artist.


more after the jump, watch out for the boobies.

Airbrushed?

David LaChapelle took this one all the way back in '86. I'm not sure how much he airbrushed. Hopefully just the dress? I dunno. I cut that part out of the picture. I don't even remember what magazine it was in. I do remember that he liked to make the edges of his pictures fuzzy back then, and I had some beautiful prints he gave me that some ex-boyfriend is holding hostage in a storage space in New York. What an asshole. The ex, not David. David got me started. I would not have had a portfolio if he hadn't taken an interest in me. I would have had a much harder time getting signed, not that I gave a shit. Modeling came to me, not the other way around, and as obnoxious as that sounds, it's true. I moved to New York in January of 1985 because I fell in love with it two months before. I had no aspirations of fame or fortune. I just wanted to get the hell out of Akron, Ohio. You would too. Trust me.

P.S. If you're young and you are reading this, take lots of pictures of yourself. Be creative, have fun. Get your friends in on it. My old friend recently showed me some photos another friend took of us in college, ones where we were trying to be all arty and shit. They were AWESOME. Trust me, when you are my age, you will relish those memories. You will love giggling over your first forays into creative visual expression. As a matter of fact, do it whether you are 18 or 48. Who cares? You'll still always be looking back, you know?

I Used To Get Paid To Wear Stuff. Or Nothing At All.

I'm going to start a regular feature where I post pictures from my modeling days in the heady eighties and early nineties. It's all Tobie Wan Kenobi's fault for sending me pictures from a photo shoot that I forgot about and LOVE. Sometimes the obscurely published stuff is some of the best. This one is for my friend Thomas's clothing line that I think we did in 1986. He made amazing stuff out of old Levi's. I still have the white and red jacket he gave me as payment. AWESOME guy, almost as awesome as Tobes.

Today Is My Birthday

I am 29 & 34/2! I don't feel a day over 12! Really! I don't! If you don't believe me, look at all these exclamation points! What grown woman does that?!?

(I'm drunk. duh. it's 7:45. it's a miracle I'm still standing)

Look at the cake Mr. McSlore got me!

Wooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!