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Real Housewives of late Night: Super Bowl Edition

2012-02-03T09:02:00.000-05:00

Oh, how I've missed this. It's better than the real thing!

The Ultimate Super Bowl Snack Tray

2012-01-31T15:32:00.000-05:00

Thanks a lot, WOW Report. Now I'm starving.

A Burrito Is Just A Cross Between A Penis and A Turd

2012-01-27T09:08:00.000-05:00

Just a little introduction to these two before you watch the video- Simon Doonan is the creative director at Barneys. He has been for YEARS, like back in the first days of those fabulous windows and the sample sales where I always ended up with something fabulous like the woven leather Valentino trench coat that I lost somehow. I can't go into that. It's too depressing.

He was part of the scene that I was in at the time and he was always clever, tongue-in-cheek, and kind. His bitchiness was always accompanied by a chummy sort of candor, so it never really rankled. As for Rich, he's a young gay man of intellect whose pop culture observations are pretty much always spot-on. He also appeared as a guest judge on Toddlers & Tiaras, brilliant casting, if you ask me. He's also insanely hot. Like, damn it! Why are you gay????, HOT.

So, watch the video and enjoy, and remember- being unoffendable puts you in an incredible position of power. Couldn't have said it better myself.

Now, go put yourself out there and be happy!

Trying To Make The Winter Fly By

2012-01-26T10:46:00.001-05:00

Ah, yes. Winter in Northeast Ohio. It lasts so long and is so dreary that people in their 30s fly south for those awful months like so many bloated Goldfinches. Me, I choose to stay here. I like a little dark with my light, a little salt with my sweet and a little depression with my joy. I still try to combat the blues, though, mostly by getting off my ass and doing things and going places, like Pittsburgh.

Pittsburgh, you say? How in Saint Morgan Fairchild Hell is that getting away from it all?

Well, let me start with our charming hotel. It's called The Priory and it's a beautiful, restored Parsonage attached to a small sanctuary that wealthy Pennsylvanians book for wedding receptions and the like. I think it would be great for a Halloween party. (I hate weddings. They just seem like a giant exercise in Bride's magazine show-offery and coupledom mutual masturbation, BLECH)

The hotel's ceilings are high, the lighting fixtures are ancient and the atmosphere is one of naughty gaiety. We arrived Saturday night to a crush of revelers in the lobby enjoying a beer or ten before heading off to the wedding reception to listen to slurred speeches full of forced hilarity and watch Auntie dance with her favorite 'nephew.'

We steered clear of that mess and strolled down the hall to our room. There were all manner of lovely artifacts placed here and there and it took all my powers of self control not to steal this hat box that was just sitting on an antique table.

Alas, my backpack was too small. (makes mental note to hit Gander Mountain on the way home)

Get a load of this lovely mini-priory! I can just picture some pious, but perpetually bored man of the cloth wiling away the hours with some brandy and glue.

Okay, maybe not so mini, since it was four feet tall, and not so gluey since I spy a clamp. What are you going to do? Brandy doesn't make a monk so handy. Handsy, yes.

This is the bar. Surprisingly enough, we spent no time there. The Bota beckoned (or was it Cardinal Zin?) and I was still a bit nauseous from my new glasses. I hate them. Lasik, here I come.

Yes, that is an old bank safe acting as the bar storage. Somebody doesn't trust their employees....
Or the guests. Hmm.

The next day we attended the Penguins' hockey game where the boys in Black & Gold prevailed over the Capitals and their much diminished prowess, and then we headed back across the 9th Street Bridge when we were overtaken by a tall ginger with giant mittens. I called him Hellboy O'Brien. Hubby trumped me by calling him Hillboy O'Brien. Teehee, inbred jokes.

As much as I love Pittsburgh, I have to admit that it does give off that not-so-faint whiff of third generation first-cousin marriages, which is where we come full circle, or should I say 'circular.'

Which is what passes for curtains 'round here.

What, no comics? Those are so much classier.

Westboro Vs. A Really Nice Gay Man

2012-01-25T17:53:00.000-05:00

He deserves some sort of peace prize for this. I'd be spitting nails.

A Lovely Spot For A Stroll

2012-01-24T14:40:00.000-05:00

Shouldn't it be 'Le?'

Taken in Pittsburgh on Sunday.

Another Cute One From Volkswagon

2012-01-24T09:39:00.000-05:00

Another Super Bowl is on it's way, and since I don't have a horse in this race I'll be watching it for the commercials. Volkswagon had my favorite last year with the little Darth Vader guy that kept trying to use the force to do things like move his cereal bowl, and now this year we have dogs. Too cute! And don't forget the Puppy Bowl.
Like you could.

The Heckler Gets Heckled

2012-01-18T13:37:00.000-05:00

I'm going to steal from a fellow blogger and say that this guy deserves an ovation for this! I think that any of you that have worked in the service industry would agree.

Thanks, Leenie!

TeBowie

2012-01-13T18:03:00.000-05:00

Not a big fan of Tebow, for obvious reasons since I'm a Steelers fan and I get nauseous when people throw their religion in my face. But this is genius. Jimmy Fallon just keeps getting better.

Two Gay Shit People Say

2012-01-11T11:32:00.000-05:00

Now let this be the end of it!

Shit Gay Guys Say To Their Cats

2012-01-10T15:30:00.000-05:00

I must be a gay guy since I have said all of this when I had a cat. RIP, Celine, I miss you.

Rich is HOT. And smart. Read his blog at FourFour. It's in my blog roll.

January Is The Door To The Year

2012-01-09T12:26:00.001-05:00

I am not a big fan of this month, not normally, but it has been spectacular so far! Sun almost every day, temperatures in the 40s, and there is so much to do that I haven't even had that warm weather withdrawal that I normally get at this time of year. Hmm, weird. I hope I didn't just jinx myself since I usually get so sun deprived that I just want to crawl up inside a Tool video and die. Not this year, oh no!

So, we went out and about yesterday, first to a brunch of Dim Sum (not a huge fan, everything was too doughy) and then a trip to the Asian market. I cannot recommend these places enough. Their produce is dirt cheap, as is their tea. You can walk out with two heavy grocery bags for under $30, so needless to say, I'm a big fan. I am also a big fan of this beauty which is the first thing you see when you walk into the store-

Samarai is almost as big as his horse, yikes! Oh, well. When he breaks the back of his steed, he can always fly off on those wings of his. (??????) I know. I just ignore the silliness and concentrate on the fact that their cilantro is 50 freaking cents. Oh, and if you don't have a strong stomach, stay away from the fresh fish area. A tank full of angry looking frogs is not the nicest thing to start your day looking at. It made me keep imagining this:

From there, it was off to the Botanical Garden, which is a wonderful oasis of warmth and beauty in this grey, though sunny landscape.
More after the jump.

It's no secret that I love Orchids, and these smelled like a combination of vanilla and chocolate and musk. I wasn't sure if I wanted to eat them or have sex with them.

The Rainforest part of the gardens has a waterfall and a little stream, and they have the most spoiled little ducks living there. They just eat their grains and fruit, paddle lazily, and then fall asleep on moss. They are truly the 1% of the duck world.

Can you find him? Difficulty level- 2.

It seems that we arrived at meal time, as these two butterflies were noshing on rotten fruit. There's a joke in there somewhere but I am not going near it.

Let's play another game now! let's play 'spot the chameleon!
Difficulty level- 0. I put him smack dab in the middle of the frame.

He was in the desert part of the gardens which isn't nearly as fun or interesting. The hedgehog is always asleep, the turtles try to escape, and some young googly eyed volunteer tried to get me to touch some disgusting millipede thing she was holding. They also have these tiny birds that shoot around the room like Kamikaze pilots and miss your face by a hair's breadth. Speaking of hair, one butterfly found mine to be tasty.

This one was just born. Little does she know that she, too is in the 1% of her species. There are no bats or frogs to eat her, no asshole insects to tax her nectar or threaten to detain her indefinitely in the box she was born in.

Also, there was this beauty. She followed us around for a while, and I couldn't help but tell her how impressed I was with her physical attributes. I mean, look at her! She's gorgeous. I practically sang to her, it got so ridiculous. It got so bad that if I were a Jezebel commenter, I'd be banned for placing too much emphasis on physical appearance.

Twas a lovely day, all things considered and we finished it off with mussels and french bread while watching Apocalypse Now in the sunroom at home. Yin and yang, I guess.

If you live here in Cleveland, I strongly suggest that you patronize this place. it just couldn't be more magical.

Happy International Bacon Day!

2012-01-07T08:26:00.000-05:00

Do not try this at home, kids.

Tom Ford Loves Tom Ford

2012-01-05T08:04:00.000-05:00

This has been popping up on the internet today, with loads of people making fun of him, his accent, his self absorption. Well, I think it's great. I love his face and his style. I guess haters gonna hate.

Jealous bitches. Who among you would not get on that if the opportunity arose? PLEASE.

I, Me, Tom Ford. I from Steamy Window Productions on Vimeo.

Madonna's Hungarian Interview Retranslated

2012-01-04T11:36:00.001-05:00

By French & Saunders! It's a good laugh on a gloomy day.

Found at Wow Report. They always unearth the best stuff.

THIS Freak

2012-01-04T09:21:00.001-05:00

Oh, Big Ang. You look like a low rent transsexual Staten Island fortune teller and you sound like every guy at the VA Hall that coughs up a lung when he goes out to smoke. I bet you spit in gravel parking lots, too.

Starting Things Off Right

2012-01-01T14:22:00.000-05:00

This orchid is a stud. It just started opening this morning and this is the second time it's re-bloomed, two new stalks each time. Here's a picture from last February-

If you have any that aren't doing well, just send them to me. For some reason, they like it around here. They must be metal and trip hop fans.

Mourning The Dove

2011-12-31T15:51:00.000-05:00

We have a young hawk that practically lives in our yard. About a week ago, I went out to tear up some stale bread for the birds when I heard a loud flapping in the juniper tree above me. It was a hawk whom I disturbed as he was perusing the smorgasbord of feathered delicacies in our hedge. Well, he came back. A lot.

This morning there was a pleasant site out by the back bird feeder. Our mangy squirrel was scarfing up some dropped birdseed alongside a trio of Mourning Doves. I went back to my tea and went about my business until...........until...

Hawk 1, birds 0.

What a mess he left me! Watch him poop the damn bones out on the porch too.

Siri Argument

2011-12-31T14:00:00.000-05:00

Freaking hilarious way to start your New Year's festivities!

New Year's Fireworks In Sydney

2011-12-31T11:14:00.001-05:00

It's already tomorrow in Austrailia so the drinking is slowing down and the hangovers are just beginning. Don't feel bad for them, though. It's Summer down there and they can sleep them off on the beach. Assholes.
Yes, I am a jealous bitch.

But, fireworks. YAY!

Here's New Zealand's.

Shit Nerds Say

2011-12-31T10:35:00.000-05:00

Video Games - E3 2012

Saying Goodbye To 2011

2011-12-30T13:36:00.001-05:00

Some really wonderful things happened this year. I got engaged and married, for one. We traveled quite a bit and I actually got to meet one of you people in San Diego. ;)

We are almost completely finished with the sunroom/bar, and we love the room so much that we eat exclusively in there. The only thing left to do is have the electrician do some re-wiring and get the bar top sanded and finished.

It was a busy year and it flew by. I made some new friends and cemented some old friendships. I found a really remarkable group of women that I didn't know existed until a year and a half ago whose strength matches their kindness, and isn't that a nice surprise in this day and age. Sometimes I feel isolated living so far from so many friends, and it is a relief to know that I can touch base with so many of you through this blog or on Facebook. JerseyGirl, Prodigal Cheez. Chemgal and TNbelle, I talk to you every day and you are my touchstone and my sisters in spirit and heart,

Leenie, you are wonderful. I know that you couldn't move out here but I will never give up on trying! Leigh, AlisonZ and Cissie, you are always at the ready with a smile and something positive to say. Skatt, Classy Drunk, TrueLifeDiva, April, Iwannabeanarchy, kdfinjpn, and Dane, I always look forward to hearing from you. Your insights and senses of humor are head and shoulders above 99% of commenters anywhere. Kbird, you are my inspiration in all things foodie and tongue-in-cheek. Baler! I missed your crazy ass! We've come a long way from the Y bridge, no? Diatribes and Ovations, it was a really nice bonus this year to find you and your blog. You are a great guy with an even greater moral compass. And Bob. What can I say about Bob? He has, hands down, one of the most excellent blogs out there. If you aren't reading I Should Be Laughing, then get your ass over there right now!

If I left any of you out, I apologise. Comment more! Just kidding. Not really.

I will leave you with some photos from our trip to Maine last month and my wishes for all of you to have a safe, happy and healthy New Year. It's going to be a Dragon, which is my Chinese astrological sign and the harbinger of good luck and fortune. Don't waste it!

Love you all.

Searching for sea glass and clams on the beach.

A beautiful Victorian we passed on our way from Kennebunkport to Portland.

Oysters at J's. Sublime and delicious. The only thing that beat them was the scallops. We are forever spoiled by the incredible quality you find up there.

A weathered door down by the wharf in Portland. Speaks volumes about the history and character of this place.

Seafood Mecca. I am not joking. If you want Maine lobsters, this is where you buy them. This is also where we got the scallops to die for. I am pretty sure that manna in heaven was patterned after them.

If you needed any proof that the friends we stayed with were awesome, here it is. Their daughter, aged 3, with a chainsaw.

Perhaps the most beautiful lighthouse in the world.

Words can't express how much I loved it there. I'm hoping that the friend we visited stays healthy enough so that we can go back in the Spring and visit him, and some other friends too. I really do love it there.

Enough about me. What were your highs and lows, and how are you approaching the new year?

Epic Meal Time For Your New Year's Drunch

2011-12-29T15:58:00.000-05:00

It is almost that time again, folks. New Year's Eve- to drink or not to drink? To party with no worries or to party while respecting all those hangover prevention tips that are flooding every damn website right now. I plan on drinking a bottle of wine or two, acting a fool at home with my husband and chowing down on some kind of pork, preferably with bones and fat. The next morning? Who knows. It depends on my hangover level. I may just have to hair of the dog it. Also, I have not gone out on New Years in ages. Why? Because I do not wish to get a DUI or get killed by some asshole who is too cheap to get a hotel room or a cab.

All of that aside, this is just some next level shit. Just don't watch it if you have a stomach ache.

It's Christmas

2011-12-25T12:15:00.000-05:00

Hubby in his Wayne Rooney mask. He's my favorite soccer player. NO, WE ARE NOT ROLE PLAYING LATER. Just want to make sure that's clear.

Hope your day is great and no one throws up on the dog. I'm having a pretty good one, albeit a trifle hungover, and we all know the cure for that- more drinking!

Only one week til Mob Wives....Merry Christmas, bitches!

Merry (?) Christmas From Lady Bunny

2011-12-24T14:41:00.000-05:00

Right back atcha, Bunyon!

The First Same Sex Kiss In The History of the Navy

2011-12-21T16:37:00.000-05:00

As you were.

See, no big deal, right? Breaking one barrier at a time. THAT is what makes it special.

The Hobbit Trailer Is Here

2011-12-21T10:25:00.000-05:00

We only have to wait AN ENTIRE YEAR.

I loved The Ring trilogy, though I must confess that in rewatching them, I fast forwarded through the singing bits and Samwise's endless discussions with Frodo on mountain sides and bogs and such. Then I would replay everything with Cate Blanchett in it and slow-mo the really gory bits. I would also like to say that I had a big old soft spot for Karl Urban as Eomer but then he went and got all nerdy in Star Trek when he played Bones. Seriously, what a lady-boner killer! Blech.

Shit Girls Say, Episode II

2011-12-20T07:45:00.000-05:00

Speaking of poor dogs, I had apocolyptic dog sitting dreams last night including watching a little teacup rat belonging to Courtney Love. She also made me do her dishes which were these hideous designer bowls with the same flower design on them as her tattoos. She made sure to let me know that if I broke any of them it would cost me a thousand bucks, then she blew smoke in my face and taunted me over quitting. When I asked for $40 bucks a day, she said she'd give me four since her dog was about a tenth of the size of an ordinary dog. Dream logic, I guess. It is what it is, but I could totally see her saying that.

The Dark Knight Rises Trailer

2011-12-19T15:48:00.000-05:00

It's the rich versus the poor. How topical. At any rate, I got chills. That Nolan is quite the director, even if he does have questionable skill in choosing his female leads. Plus, Hines Ward! I was not expecting that. Color me super excited.

My Tree

2011-12-19T11:51:00.000-05:00

For the third year in a row, we have done an Asian themed Christmas tree. Finally this year we have found enough decorations so that it doesn't look half decorated. The strings of plastic firecrackers were the best find of all because they filled the tree up so nicely and gave it a more cohesive feel. Thank goodness for World Market, which is also where I found this cute golden Buddha-

More decorations after the jump.

More gold, this time in the form of a fortune cookie-

My friend Mark brought this little guy back from Thailand. Unfortunately, the trip heralded the sad ending of his long term relationship, yet he was happy to report that his trip was still a great success with many happy endings. Such an optimist, that Mark!

Pagodas-

I even found one in sequins!

I just love this little doll's expression. Her mouth is a heart, so cute!

Seeing as I am a dragon and the next year is the year of the dragon, well, you gots to have dragons!

You also have to have an elephant. They are highly respected animals in Asia, if not our own country, at least not the Rick Perry kind. And, look! It has a little bell. Perfect for ringing every time he says something homophobic, only I'd have to do it so much it would drive my dogs crazy.

Last but not least, the lotus flower on the top. I'm not going to tell you what that represents. You're adults. You can figure it out.

Ta-dah! Now, what kind of tree do YOU have?

Shit Black Girls Say

2011-12-19T07:37:00.000-05:00

This is even funnier than the first one!

This Pretty Much Sums It Up

2011-12-18T09:13:00.002-05:00

TGIF With A Real Housewives of Boston Christmas

2011-12-16T12:17:00.002-05:00

R.I.P. Christopher Hitchens

2011-12-16T07:41:00.001-05:00

What to say about an incredibly courageous man with one of the most wickedly brilliant minds in all of journalism? This is the guy that toured the country espousing his anti-theist views and was surprised that, instead of a lynching, he was heaped with praise from fellow non-believers. This is the guy that had no problem turning his back on a movement, like socialism, when it lost it's moral compass. This is the guy that willfully got waterboarded to prove that it was torture when none of the defenders of waterboarding had the guts to do it, and he was 59!

He wrote for The Nation and Vanity Fair. No topic was taboo for him and he even allowed Graydon Carter to assign him a series of de-stressing spa visits when the truth is, he would rather be anywhere else. After all, Hitchens has been eating stress for breakfast since the Vietnam War, along with Johnny Walker Black by his side. He thrived on it.

Another great Lion is gone. He succombed to esophageal cancer at the age of 62, and I will miss his articles terribly.

Link to Vanity Fair which has a ton of tributes to him today-

http://www.vanityfair.com/culture/christopher-hitchens

Kids Getting Bad Presents

2011-12-15T13:14:00.000-05:00

I love the little boy who tells his sister that she should appreciate her half eaten sandwich. Little shit!

Try not to laugh. I dare you.

Mob Wives Season II Trailer

2011-12-15T08:19:00.001-05:00

Is Karen a hot mess or what? Girl has yet to meet a cannoli she doesn't like which makes me assume that her strategy for winning fights this year is to sit on people. She is so hated that the producers had to bring a friend of hers on board so she didn't get her teeth kicked in by the other women. Wise on their part. I would hate to see her claim to be a bullying victim, and what a nutjob. People like her are so toxic that just saying hello to them can turn into a ten year war.

As for Drita, she's still the bleepin' queen of my heart. If you're caught in a dark alley with Karen, she's all you need. Your enemies would be bleeding through their ears and she wouldn't have even smeared her lipstick. She's intense, yes, but she possesses a rough kind of beauty and if she were a man, she'd be running things, or at the very least be the number one enforcer. LOVE her.

Renee is lipo-ing and lifting herself into a smaller version of the biggest drama queen evah, and being in the hospital allows her to indulge in all her self-absorbed shenanigans like never before. Girl is going to be driving nurses crazy with her attention sucking crap and banshee wailing, but if you think that's bad, wait until she hears what Junior did. What did Junior do? He ratted out her Dad in exchange for a lighter sentence. Okay, she has my permission to go apeshit, like she needs it.

Last but not least is Carla. Her name is Carla, right? She's a mouse compared to these lions and I have no idea what her story is going to be. Fighting with Renee, maybe? Dunno. I just want to watch Drita kick Karen's ass.

Shit goes down January 1st at 8 p.m. on VH1.

Jesus Heals The Gay Right On Out Of You!

2011-12-15T07:25:00.000-05:00

I didn't know he could do that!

Shit Girls Say

2011-12-13T15:22:00.000-05:00

I love that she is munching chips with a tiny vodka bottle tucked in between her and her boyfriend.

Shit that me and my girlfriends say:

Where's the Xanax? You swore that there would be Xanax at this party!

You want a blow job? You're gonna have to promise me a mother-in-law free holiday.

I think she might actually eat that Hillshire Farms catalog.

Is she trying to plug the cable box into the toaster?

She's got Munchausen by Facebook proxy.

No, she's a Whirling Dervish of the Mundane!

That's so cyu-ooo-ute!

Do they still enforce child labor laws?

You are all just a bunch of Nigerian princesses.

Bless her heart!

No self respecting cat would sit still for that.

Are you mad at me? You're not mad at me, right?

I secretly love Tang.

Maybe Groupon will offer a deal on liposuction that I can jump on.

You know who you are....There are many, many more, trust me.

Ho, Ho, Hos

2011-12-10T08:47:00.000-05:00

I don't post very often anymore about the Housewives of Wherever, or as I like to call these shows, Day of the Locusts Part II, but I saw this photo and just had to put it up.

What is that body language between Lisa and Kyle about? Lisa looks like she thinks Kyle's hideousness might rub off on her. Her face is a mask of barely concealed disgust! Oh, those rich Brits. When they aren't being bawdy and facetious, they seem to be sitting on piles of repressed feelings. What do you think? Is this the end of the line for this friendship, and what in Paris Hell is Kyle wearing? Her niece's hand me downs, or is it Taylor's skin?

Lindsay Lohan In Playboy

2011-12-09T14:53:00.001-05:00

I don't know, you guys. Not only is it way too literally derivitive, but it's freaking bland. Girl has no soul behind her eyes. I thought I'd never say this but Pam Anderson has more soul, as does any decent drag queen, which she resembles in a boobs-photoshopped-onto-a-Drag Race contestant kind of way.

A couple more after the jump.

Someone over at World of Wonder got it right when they said she was channeling Amanda Lepore more than Marilyn Monroe. YOU be the judge.

(photo from Billy Beyond's Blog)

And here is that famous pose, bastardized by a has-been washed up entitled asshole who will probably join the 27 Club in a couple years. It's sacrilege.

Which do you prefer?

TGIF With Megan Mullally's School For Actresses

2011-12-09T10:03:00.003-05:00

There's nothing like starting the weekend with something completely ridiculous, yet true!

Home for Actresses from Megan Mullally

Chloe Seven-KNEE's Closet

2011-12-09T08:32:00.000-05:00

I think she's cute. Pretentiously cute, but cute nonetheless. I like that she can laugh at herself. Also, I never noticed that she has this little vocal tick where she kinda 'tsks' after a sentence. Does Drew do that in his parodies? Anyway, she would make a perfect flapper and I think that she should be playing Daisy in The Great Gatsby, not Carey Mulligan.

Perhaps Carey is an excellent actress but she just doesn't have IT, you know? Chloe has IT. I kinda love her in a healthy girl crush kind of way.

At Home with Chloë Sevigny: Part 1 from Opening Ceremony on Vimeo.

Response To Rick Perry

2011-12-08T17:01:00.000-05:00

Vote for THIS guy.

It was in response to this incredibly unpopular Rick Perry video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0PAJNntoRgA
Gee, I wonder why people don't like it. Hmmmm.

The BEAUTY

2011-12-06T14:39:00.000-05:00

Can you imagine an entire movie filmed like this? I would pass out, right after I started using pot again.

TimeScapes 4K from Tom Lowe on Vimeo.

Congrats To Tiger On Finally Winning A Tournament

2011-12-05T09:53:00.001-05:00

Finally, at the Chevron World Championship in Thousand Oaks yesterday, he didn't choke. It only took two years for him to get his mojo back, and by mojo I mean a tramp named Maureen that works at Howard Johnsons. All kidding aside, I was almost as relieved as Tiger because a winning Tiger is good for the sport. It's a fact. The ratings go up, more people are interested in the sport and it will help this country take advantage of the exploding market in Asia.

On a lighter side, here's a guy yelling something after Tiger's last tee shot on 18 yesterday.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3dJy_fV2Wzg
It was a Redditor, of course.

Sometimes More Is Too Much

2011-12-04T09:10:00.002-05:00

On our way home from La Dolce Vita in Little Italy (their Fettucini Fellini is to die for), I made Mr. McSlore stop the car so I could get a picture of this enormous tree in front of one of the mansions here in Cleveland Heights. It's kind of a mess, right? It completely dwarfs the house. It's so showy that you can see it from around the corner. I could see it from Murray Hill, practically.

Note also that they decided that renting a cherry picker was okay for one damn tree but put absolutely nothing on the house itself. There is no balance. It's like the only thing they care about is having the biggest damn tree around. It's like the Anna Nicole of trees, sloppy and hard to miss.

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall, Who's The Vilest One Of All?

2011-12-01T11:15:00.001-05:00

Whose voice shrinks men's balls up into their body cavities? Who makes sweeping generalizations of all men, including gay ones? Who miraculously still has a job yet has never been successful at it? Who tells women to amp up the titties while dumbing themselves down, all for the right RICH guy, of course?

Why, it's Batty Canker, of course!

Thank you, thank you to the geniuses over at Vulture. Their NY magazine recaps and TV reporting are my favorites by far.

What It's Like To Be The Puck

2011-11-30T10:48:00.000-05:00

Just don't get too drunk first!

RIP Patrice O'Neal

2011-11-29T14:11:00.000-05:00

One of the truly great comics of our time is gone. He died of complications following the stroke he suffered in October. He will be missed.

Here's his best bit. If you know of any others, please share the links.

Ridickulous Seems Like A Cool Guy

2011-11-29T12:24:00.000-05:00

If you watched The Real Housewives of Atlanta, you know that I referring to the stripper that is so big that he can fellate himself. Is that a word, fellate? Anyway, he can suck his own dick.

I just love how NeNe acts like she's a lady when she sees him. Puh-lease! You know she only acted disgusted because she didn't think of it first. What a nasty old bitter bitch she has become. I have never seen a glummer cunt.

And since you are all wondering.....Ridickulous naked after the jump! Proceed with caution.

Joel McHale on Conan

2011-11-15T10:54:00.003-05:00

He really does hate those Kunts, doesn't he?
And we agreed that if Joel says it, it doesn't count as an actual KKK post, right? Good, because he's funny as Hell, and I still love Conan even though I never seem to be awake or sober enough to hit the DVR when he's on.

The Hunger Games Trailer

2011-11-15T10:13:00.000-05:00

It looks good, and guaranteed to be upsetting. Only one comes out alive. Can we throw Taylor in there too?

Kartrashian SNL Skit

2011-11-08T08:03:00.000-05:00

Please let this mark the end of their rein of terror on the E! network. Such losers! And I blame every single one of you that watch this trite glorification of superficial fame grabbing and phony familial homey-ness.

Remember, this is a girl that is not only famous for getting peed on, but she stole six figures from Ray J's own Mother. And that voice! It is so bland, so devoid of anything remotely resembling character or personality that it makes me want to stick knitting needles into my ears! Oh, and let's not forget that their so-called collections of perfumes, handbags and clothing are complete rip-offs of other designers. They all suck, and this is the first and last post I will ever do about these leeches on society, which I wouldn't have done in the first place if Kristen Wiig wasn't such a genius.

Truth In Advertising

2011-11-07T11:17:00.000-05:00

Here's the awesomely honest commercial for Immortals which opens on Friday. It has half naked muscular men killing each other, hot chicks in slinky ancient Greek slutwear, and epic special effects. I may sit through this one twice. Naked.

Haunted House Hilarity

2011-10-25T15:57:00.000-04:00

My neighbour died. I need a good laugh. R.I.P. John, you old coot. He was a hilarious letch and he will be missed. Somewhere in heaven he is watching hockey and staring down Mary Magdelene's dress.

Occupy Main Street

2011-10-25T13:27:00.000-04:00

Who doesn't have Polo and Caviar Galas? I mean, REALLY. That shit can get expensive!

Occupy Main Street - watch more funny videos

TGIF With No Rapture For YOU!

2011-10-21T14:31:00.000-04:00

So, once again the supposed 'rapture' has come and gone, yet here I sit, untouched and unscathed. How could that be? I've been really good and pious and grateful and nice! I recycle, I compost, I am kind to animals, annoying old people and even screaming brats at the grocery store. What do I have to do, bleed from the palms? Endure another Inquisition while giggling like Anderson Cooper? Heal LINDSAY LOHAN?

Fuck it, it's cold, I'll make a fire.

Since we're probably going to be here through another long freaking Winter while all the sermonizers waft to the heavens like so many Led Balloons, Mr. McSlore built us a right proper wood rack for the sunroom. It only took him an hour and a half!

I think someone might be getting lucky tonight!

What are YOUR plans?

Robert Downey Jr. In Drag?

2011-10-21T09:22:00.000-04:00

NOT a good look for him.

The movie opens just before Christmas.

BonnaRuse Line Up

2011-10-20T14:24:00.000-04:00

Spot on, HA!

The Real Housewives of South Boston

2011-10-19T16:43:00.000-04:00

Since Bravo has jumped the shark with every single branch if the franchise, we might as well get some laughs out of the parodies. Here's the Southie version-

The Walken Dead

2011-10-17T12:07:00.000-04:00

Did anyone watch the premiere of Walking Dead last night, or were all you bitches too busy watching Tre's head spin around? Ah, yes. The beauty of October and all the scary programs on TV!

Unbelievable Last Lap In Bike Race

2011-10-13T10:57:00.000-04:00

You almost hate for one of them to lose!

More Is More

2011-10-07T10:59:00.000-04:00

What assezzeries will you be rocking this fall? I'm going with panties.

Wozniak Remembers Steve Jobs

2011-10-06T18:19:00.000-04:00

The big guy is pretty awesome too. It must be hard to lose such a close friend.

LMLMB's New Look

2011-10-05T17:42:00.000-04:00

I was getting so freaking tired of the strain on my eyes that I decided to make a change. It's a simple one. I still like the layout. I just didn't like the black. My only problem is that the light blue is so BORING. Any ideas?

I think I'll go meditate in church and see if I can come up with anything. I mean, meditate to SLAYER, of course.

The Cat Whisperer

2011-10-05T12:05:00.001-04:00

I love the super close-ups of maru that I just posted but it was severely lacking in the humor department, so here's this one. The two minute mark with the ID is brilliant! Don't spoil the moment by watching after that. Trust me. It's all downhill from there.

The Cat Whisperer Channel
Get More: Atom.com | Funny Videos | Tournament | Upload

Kitty Porn

2011-10-05T11:22:00.000-04:00

Maru wants you. He wants to sink his paws into your rug and violate your box.

What? He does! I saw him jumping out of one from UPS just last week.

9/11, Ten Years Later

2011-09-09T19:30:00.004-04:00

When I was little, my parent's friends' big social/political question was, 'what were you doing when JFK was shot?' I got a bit older and it became, 'Did you know anyone who was there for the Kent State shootings?' Today the big topic is, 'What were you doing when the towers fell?'

. I was at home in Medina, Ohio getting ready for work when they were hit. I would turn The Today Show on at 8 a.m. as I ran around the condo, showering, grabbing sips of coffee and getting ready to drive up to Brunswick and my job as the bar manager at Johnny's, a nice family-style restaurant that catered to the more careerist residents of the town, as opposed to the farmer hilljack assholes that seemed to produce 75% of the offspring up there. Your average people populated the place, cops, teachers, computer programmers and alkie real estate agents. The cream of the Brunswick crop.

As soon as I saw the footage of the first plane hit the North tower, I called my brother who is an architect. He said that the structure would survive as long as none of the support beams were hit, clearly harking back to the first bombing attack which happened in the 90s when I was still living in New York. That was when terrorists placed a bomb in the parking garage but miscalculated on where to put it. Thank God for stupid terrorists! Too bad they weren't as bad the second time around.

Then the second tower was hit as I watched live on TV. I called my Dad. First words out of his mouth were, 'terrorists.' I was aghast. Terrorists weren't on my radar then. It had been almost a decade since the first attack, clearly we had learned something from that. Why would anyone do this? We Americans were happy then. We were flush. Life was good. War was the last thing on anyone's mind. This was the beginning of the end of that blind happiness. This was the beginning of a lot of scary shit. Things I thought I would never see, because we all move forward and do better than our ancestors, right? Did I really believe this? That younger generations improve upon the past? Such is the short sighted stupidity of the young.

Odd off-topic fact. My father died on 9/11 three years later. That was a weird day too. Story for another time.

At work, I was readying the restaurant for the 11 a.m. opening, rushing around, cell phone attached to my ear, trying to contact my friends in New York. Zero luck, total freak out. In my mind, there was a reason I couldn't reach them, and it was a bad one. I didn't know that everyone across the country was having problems, not until I got home at 6.

Later, after I found out that my friends were safe, I found out that one went through a particularly harrowing experience at Ground Zero. He was working in a building right off The World Trade Center's plaza. He and his co-workers were told not to evacuate, it was too dangerous with all the debris, fuselage and human. After dealing with the agonizing sight and sound of those that jumped to their deaths, he and his co-workers got the hell out of there. The towers fell shortly thereafter. He arrived home covered in dust. I cannot even imagine the nightmares he must have. It makes me tear up to this day.

I can't claim much trauma beyond what any American felt that day. Sure, I lived in New York for almost a decade. Sure, I would meet my brother for lunch by the bronze globe in the World Trade Plaza when he worked a few blocks away and we would glance up and talk about how cool it was that we lived in such an amazing place.

Sure, I was freaked out when I woke up Wednesday, September 12th, and walked out to get the paper in the cool dawn, stepping on the concrete driveway in the slowly warming quiet. I looked up and there were no planes in that clear, sill dark star freckled sky. It was eerie, it was like a bad horror movie from the 50s. It wasn't entirely real, even as it was all TOO real, and it was bad for all of us, whether we had been to New York or not. I can't even imagine how bad it was for those that lost someone in those towers, in The Pentagon, or in that field in Pennsylvania. My heart goes out to them. My heart also bleeds for those that in the military that died in the wars that followed, not out of some bandwagon jumping SUPPORT OUR TROOPS bullshit, but because it is all so completely and utterly STUPID, and religion and jingoism and the military-industrial greed machine are at the heart of it. It needs to end, and I wish we were a little more advanced so that we could see it, at least in my lifetime.

TGIF With Your Tutorial On How To Dress Punk-Ish!

2011-09-09T12:53:00.002-04:00

Where does World of Wonder come up with this stuff?

Jimmy Kimmel's Tribute To His Uncle Frank

2011-09-07T20:19:00.001-04:00

So sweet. So sad. So hard to lose someone that you love so much.

Therapy With Kennedy

2011-09-06T09:08:00.001-04:00

She can pretend Daddy is still alive and that all those clay people are Mommy Stretch, and Mommy's many personalities. Bulimic Mommy, Drunk Mommy, Oklahoma-On-Your-Ass Mommy, Grifter Mommy. Why, the list goes on and on!

Even In the 50s, We Dog Lovers Were Insane

2011-09-03T16:37:00.002-04:00

Insane with cuteness!

What If You Were Famous?

2011-08-26T14:07:00.000-04:00

Sometimes (okay, MOST of the time) I look at these tabloid covers and I wonder how much is bullshit and how much is based on factual information. I'm going to guess that their stories are 15% factual, even when the crap comes straight from the publicist's mouth.

Anyway, it's been slow around here, I'm about to turn another year older this weekend and I thought we'd have some fun, get the blog back up and running, by asking you what YOUR tabloid headline would be. What perfectly innocent thing goes on in your life that people would point fingers at and discuss in hushed voices when you're around?

I'll start. I am very good friends with my husband's ex-wife. Some people think this is odd and even have the balls to tell me so, including my own mother. If I were famous, the headline would probably be, Keeping Her Friends Close and Her Enemies Closer, or since this friend is also remarried, Lesbian Love Affair? Who Will Tell Mr. McSlore He Is A Beard?

We're going for a walk today, so if that Sandra/Ryan headline is any indication, Secret Lesbian Tryst In The Mists Of Euclid Creek, FINALLY EXPOSED, as we innocently hug and say goodbye.

See how fucked up this is? Your turn.

Beavis And Butthead Watch Jersey Shore

2011-08-25T10:43:00.000-04:00

Why not? There's nothing else going on, hence all the video posts. Well, there's the economy, corporate rape, Lybian and Syrian unrest, the arrest of Joe Francis (YAY), waiting and waiting for Chris March's show, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, aka The Real Housewives of New Jersey,....

My New Favorite Crackhead Video

2011-08-24T11:50:00.000-04:00

Thanks to World of Wonder.

Progress At Ground Zero

2011-08-23T10:53:00.000-04:00

The tenth anniversary is less than a month away and here is a video showing you how much has been built since the area was cleared. Slow progress, to be sure, what with all the politics involved and the fear of enraging or disappointing the families of those who died.

Some of my friends fear that anything that is built will be a target. Others believe that the design is flawed and should have been smaller. I just wish they would get it done. I still remember everything about that day. It was the beginning of quite a negative time in my life and I can still see the blue sky on September 12th, eerily devoid of planes. I don't like using a vacuum as a metaphor, but this is one that needs filling, STILL.

Ricki Gervais Has A New Show

2011-08-19T17:29:00.000-04:00

I love little people too, and I would love to dress them up in little costumes! No takers yet. They all run screaming when they see the Milania costume. Bummer.

Anderson Cooper's Gigglefest

2011-08-18T10:29:00.000-04:00

SO infectious, that giggle. He's like a 13 year old girl getting tickle bombed at Summer Camp.

On A Positive Note...

2011-08-16T17:31:00.000-04:00

Baby Queen fan, LOVE!

Russell Armstrong, Why?

2011-08-16T15:45:00.001-04:00

Yesterday, I asked what to do with Ashley Holmes. Today, I am asking the same question about The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and Stretch Armstrong. When someone kills themselves like Russell did, should the show go on? I remember almost exactly 2 years ago, I was recapping Megan Wants A Millionaire when one of the contestants killed his wife and then offed himself when the manhunt got to close to him in Canada. Should Bravo do what VH1 did and cancel the show? Should they cut most of Stretch's scenes down? I don't know how they could, she's always at the center of drama. What do you guys think?

Oh, and a very heartfelt and huge amount of sympathy goes out to that little girl with the unfortunate name, Kennedy. that poor child always seemed happiest with her Dad. How unimaginably awful that she will grow up with the knowledge that her Father would rather die than face the mess of his life, and that her mother would drive him to it by airing every last bit of his dirty laundry in an effort to exonerate herself. Stretch is an AWFUL person. That's my opinion and I'm sticking to it.

What To Do With A Problem Like Trashley?

2011-08-15T16:24:00.000-04:00

Mr. McSlore is off at some work seminar training thingymawhatever, so I actually watched The Real Knuckleheads of New Jersey on the day it aired for a change. I never watch it when he's around. NEVER. My husband has a very low threshold for nose jobs and sequins. Go figure.

The Laurita-Holmses held a life coach intervention of sorts for the most ineffectual daughter ever, Trashley. Nothing got resolved, the loser child has no plans other than some vague desire to move to L.A. so she can learn how to apply her own make-up just in case she gets a job modeling empty barrels or burlap flour sacks IF she's lucky in this economy. The girl is just dying for Natural Selection to take her out. Can you imagine how she would make out if Mom and unloved love-buying Step-Daddy Chris put her ass out of their mansion? Where would she sleep, Miss Andy's couch?

Cut the purse strings for good, Jackie. Make like a real parent and JUST DO IT. At this rate you'll be 90 and shelling out for her Depends.

What would YOU do if you were the parent to such a nightmare child? It can't be any worse than what Jackie is doing, Lord knows!

TGIF With A Stamos Snugglefest

2011-08-12T09:13:00.000-04:00

If you no likey, just be glad it isn't an Olsen Orgy or a Saget Scat-a-thon.

The Went- Wents

2011-08-12T07:47:00.000-04:00

Look who finally got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, it's the GoGo's! My, some of them have gotten up there, haven't they? And the cutest one looks the worst! Please tell me that that's a wig Jane Wiedlin is wearing. She looks like she's channeling Sylvia Miles.

She looked like this only a few years ago during her time on The Surreal Life-

Go back to brunette!

Here they are when they were young and still had baby fat in their faces-

What the hell is going on with Belinda's face?

She looks like Eileen Brennan!

I know, we all get old, but this is depressing. Who's going to turn up wrinkly tomorrow, Webster?

Kris Letang At His Best

2011-08-11T12:42:00.000-04:00

I know that most of my readership is made up of people that could give a rat's ass about hockey, but Kris Letang is exceptional. I'll watch this enough for all of us anyway.

Dylan Ratigan Loses His Temper

2011-08-10T15:53:00.000-04:00

ARE YOU LISTENING, WASHINGTON??????????

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Please share, via Facebook, Twitter, what have you. Something needs to be done, sooner rather than later.

Caption The Housewife, Bleary Eyed and Cross Eyed On The Red Carpet Edition

2011-08-08T12:20:00.000-04:00

Time For A Bar-Buh-Qwa

2011-08-04T10:34:00.000-04:00

Chloe's back slurping on some Cher-behrt, and I'm off to Chicago for Lollapalooza. No worries this time. I have accommodations with four walls and air conditioning and everything!

Monsters In Cartoon Form

2011-07-30T09:49:00.001-04:00

Still pretty awful, right?

Thanks, Jersey Chick!

I Don't Give A Fuck Video

2011-07-29T12:17:00.000-04:00

Jon Lajoie is back, he of the Regular Everyday Normal Guy fame. Here he takes silliness to extremes in his new video, and you have to watch the whole thing. YOU HAVE TO, I say! I hear he smokes quite a bit of pot. NO WAY, you say.

Caption The Housewife, Thank You Jesus For Relaxers Edition

2011-07-29T09:25:00.000-04:00

Man Without A Facebook

2011-07-28T19:46:00.000-04:00

New York Didn't Jump The Shark, It Ran It Over And Then Used It For Whale Chum

2011-07-28T13:38:00.001-04:00

What a mess this show has become. What started out as goofy and interesting has devolved into a morass so despicable it is virtually impossible to watch without getting a severe headache. How can women, smart women, allow themselves to be filmed showing what I can only hope are the lowest depths of their character. I am so glad I got super busy and stopped recapping this tragedy when I did. Sickening, just sickening.

Here's a great article from the Huffington Post. Just ignore the Jill love and the Lynn hate. Everything else is perfectly accurate.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/07/26/real-housewives-of-new-york-reunion-hate-video_n_909547.html?ref=tw

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Season 2 Trailer

2011-07-27T15:44:00.001-04:00

Oh dear God, it's going to be BAD, by which I mean good. Mark your calendars for September 5th, 9 p.m.
This new girl looks like a bigger cunt than Cameel, no?

Our Song

2011-07-19T13:31:00.001-04:00

Fucking hippies! LOLOL!

I got married today. I'm a happy girl! Love to all!!!!!!!!!!!

We like a lot of trip hop too, and came to love this song on our first trip to Union Pier. It reminds me of boating and being completely warm and content.

I'm A Bad Mommy

2011-07-17T11:55:00.000-04:00

We all go through periods in our lives where we are incredibly busy. You're doing so much for so long that you don't remember falling asleep at night, you're so tired. The day is done, you shower away the grime, have a cocktail (I recommend Tito's organic vodka mixed with Sweetleaf's mint & honey tea, super refreshing) and you collapse into bed for a quick puppy snuggle, then it's light's out. Just gone. We've been 30% busier than everyone else on the planet to the point where I haven't remembered that moment before falling asleep since June.

The good news is that I have my punch drunk moments, joking to random people about our impending nuptials, and how it's an upgrade for me since everything is MINE now. I'm joking, of course. no I'm not.

The bad news is that I haven't been spending as much time as I usually do with the dogs. Their spoiled asses are used to three treats a day, preferably in a crystal bowl and there better be variety dammit! Regular Shiatsu massage appointments are de riguer, and baby talk words of encouragement every single time they make a solid poo are standard to the point that I don't think either of them could loosen their bowels without them. Instead, I have been combing crap out of their undercoats so it doesn't get all over the newly cleaned carpets, and making them stare at me through French doors for hours at a time while I tile and paint. The looks they give me, the sadness in their eyes, I can practically hear the strains of the royal dirge through the thick panes of glass. It all boils down to one thing: BAD MOMMY.

But then nine or ten o'clock rolls around, we snuggle on the bed, and all is forgiven, even Daddy's scary expletive heavy outbursts when he mis-measured the tile yesterday, and how Mommy smelled as bad as a rotten tuna that just fell out of Tamra's blimp hanger of a birth canal from sweating over thin set as hard as Cameel sweats on the toilet when her meds aren't working. Then....zzzzzzzzzzzzz

That Pretty Much Sums It Up

2011-07-11T11:36:00.000-04:00

And I'm pretty sure that most kids feel the same way. Two guys married each other? Meh. Ping Pong? AWESOME.

As If You Needed Any More Proof

2011-07-07T18:48:00.000-04:00

...that Ohio is NUTS, I mean bananas.

http://www.cleveland.com/strongsville/index.ssf/2011/07/banana_at_large_after_fight_wi.html

Who has a banana as a mascot? This has to be a prank.

Mob Wives Reunion Preview

2011-07-07T08:49:00.003-04:00

Renee is such a drama queen. She'll do anything to get the attention on her. You know she loved it when Renee's boyfriend gave her two seconds of his time! PLEASE. I swear, on her son's eyes, I tell you!
Reunion will air on VH1 Sunday at 8.

Get More: Mob Wives, Karen Gravano, Renee Graziano, Reality TV Shows

C'est Wrong, C'est Wrong!

2011-06-30T08:37:00.000-04:00

Someone stop her before she sings(?!?) again! Dude, you are NOT RuPaul! Get over it.

Genius Or Retarded- You Tell Me

2011-06-28T13:48:00.001-04:00

The only reason I can think of, to use a phone like that, would be extreme paranoia over the possibility of cancer/radiation/tumors/NewtGingrichreadingyourthoughts.